I’ve never met anyone quite like you before

The other day Marvin tells me my iPod is corrupted, which made me think my iPod met the wrong crowd and started smoking that cocaine, but apparently it just means all your songs go away and you have to put them back on again.

Marvin was only too happy to fill my iPod.

Let me tell you a little something about Marvin. He owns every song ever invented in the history of mankind. Also? Marvin is annoying.

We had houseguests once, and after they went to bed, Marvin listened to our guest's iPod, decided all her songs on it were stupid, then proceeded to stampede to the computer to change up all her tunes. I am not making this up. Unfortunately for him, she got up about an hour later, and came out to look for said iPod, which Marvin was wholeheartedly violating with stupid songs like Strawberry Letter 23.

Did I mention our guest was 21 at the time, and in no way, shape, or form would get a kick out of hearing Strawberry Letter 23, which was probably a song before she was a zygote?

So, part of my quest to weigh 102 pounds is I'm back to my running, which if you ask Tallulah means I'm back to an annoying trot. Because I have been taking this dog, this cheetah with floppy ears, out with me, and she is so.fed.up. with my slow pace. That dog runs like the wind. So when we go out, she is forever pulling as hard as she can, then looking back at me with pity, and slowing down to this patronizing sort of fast dog walk.

Hey, one of us is two.  And part Tibetan Spaniel. Is what I'm saying to you.

Run

Naturally I am taking my iPod with us as we run, and I frankly do not know how Talu enjoys herself without an iPod. An iPawed.

Yesterday I forgot that Marvin put new songs in, because they were all regular things I like. It wasn't till today that I realized I want to cram this shiny magenta thing where the sun does not shine. And I don't mean Seattle.

Marvin. I know that you knew Michael Jackson. That does not translate to "your wife will want every Michael Jackson song ever written" in her ear. In fact, I really don't want ANY Michael Jackson songs. I am sorry.

And, yes, I know you hate the fact that I like ABBA. But Marv. I don't need eighteen ABBA songs. Give me one Dancing Queen and I'm on my way.

Do you have any idea how irritating it is to have to pull your iPod out, make the dog slam on her breaks, and plink plink plink through songs until you get one you like?

The final straw was when he added Hocus Pocus by Focus

A) You have never heard this song unless you grew up in Saginaw, or a similarly Saginaw-y town. Do some of your townswomen wear chains connecting their wallets to their belts? The straight women? Then okay. Maybe you've heard Hocus Pocus by Focus.

B) I was careful to pick the most exciting video I could find of Hocus Pocus by Focus. Enjoy the visuals. And please, stay until they start yodeling, I beg you. Really. They're going to yodel.

So, I have big plans tonight. Until midnight I will be preparing all my glycemic index diet foods (I cannot tell you how easy this diet is, other than the having-to-bring-everything-to-work part. I was not hungry all day) and then from midnight till 5:00 I will be removing stupid songs from my iPod.

Wait. Let me get it and just randomly choose five songs. So you can feel my pain.

1 Man, 1 Woman by ABBA. Okay, you see what I mean?

Jet Airliner by The Steve Miller Band. Seriously. Have you ever heard me wax on about how I like to jam out to The Steve ridiculous Miller Band?

I Can't Help It by Michael Jackson. I can't help filing for divorce.

Wanna B Startin' Something by Michael Jackson. See above re divorce proceedings.

Temptation by New Order. Okay, I love that song.

But Marvin, they made songs after 1987, you know. Don't argue with me on this.

You wanna be startin' something?

52 thoughts on “I’ve never met anyone quite like you before

  1. Sorry, H&B…I have no Ipod, no Nano, no Shuffle…it took me over TWO WEEKS to figure out how to download a few CD’s into my daughter’s shuffle thingy. Why didn’t it just SAY you have to download iTunes first??? No, let’s let the impatient, recently divorced guy screaming “SERENITY NOW!!” in his head try to figure that out on his own…
    And I think I am getting offended by the constant Sag-nasty bashing going on by you, Junie-pooh. C’mon, you need to embrace your gangsta past…
    O-H….I-O!! That’s for you, Ruskie.

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  2. I don’t have an iPod, but I finally got a Shuffle to fight the boredom when I work out. Will someone tell me why on earth they make the cord/wire thingy 700 yards long on those things? I feel like I’m inside a lime green spider web when I go to the gym. I’m so cool.
    Also, I would be so embarrassed if a music aficiando listened to the songs on my Shuffle. I don’t think there is a song older than 1980 on it.
    Hulk, I feel your pain. when I first loaded my Shuffle I somehow ended up with all my 15 yr. old son’s songs on it. Something about a library?

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  3. Hulk, my friend Marc and I were on the roof of one of those buildings on
    Hamilton Street, and we were looking at the river, when all of a sudden
    there were fireworks at the museum. He said, “Saginaw. It’s not THAT bad.”
    That should be their new slogan.
    On Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 7:50 AM, wrote:

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  4. Ever since reading this mondegreen* I always hear that Steve Miller song (and therefore sing it this way every time!) as “Big Ole Jedi Lineup”.
    *mondegreen=misheard or misunderstood lyrics

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  5. Yes, at least you’ve stepped into the 21st Century and got yourself an ipod. I’m still buying CDs for my walkman.
    I did like Marvin’s youtube version of the video better – the asian subtitles added a very international flavour to their performance don’t cha think?

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  6. “Let me tell you a little something about Marvin. He owns every song ever invented in the history of mankind. Also? Marvin is annoying.”
    Now…replace “Marvin” with “Steve”, and you have just described my husband and his obsession with his ZUNE. He doesn’t have an iPod you see, because according to him, Apple products suck. So he has the Microsoft version of an iPod, which is a Zune. He is constantly “re-synching” it. God, if I hear him say re-synching one more time I might rip his lips off…no wait, I’m going to rip his ears off so he can’t go around with the gd thing in his EARS every second of his life. Also? I hate his music. He has 165413543651658 songs on this computer. I think half of them are the Beatles. I used to like the Beatles, before I met him. Let me tell you a few random songs he has:
    Man On the Silver Mountain, by Rainbow
    A Salty Dog, by Protocol Harum
    One After 909 (Naked), The Beatles (WHAT?)
    For You Blue, The Beatles
    You know what those songs have in common? I have never heard of ANY of them. He is also obssessed with every song by YES, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Rainbow, Crosby Stills and Nash, and Pink Floyd. Again, I used to like Pink Floyd. Can we start a MP3 player widows club or something? Because he’s going to be dead soon, I think. And just to piss him off, I’m going to play something by Matchbox 20 at his funeral.

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  7. Dear Paula,
    I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t own an iPod either. I never have. Or any kind of MP3 player. My husband has enough songs for both of us. And the rest of the free world too.

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  8. I remember Hocus Pocus by Focus from when I was young, I grew up in California. The guitar part is good, not so much the yodeling part. And I would LOVE to have Strawberry Letter 23 on my iPod, that song is awesome! Go Marvin!!

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  9. It occurs to me, Karla, that what I should have done is kept Hocus Pocus by
    Focus on my iPod and I should have sung along to it when Marvin was home.
    That would have made him sorry.
    On Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 9:50 AM, wrote:

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  10. That is ridiculous! If Brian changed my player it would end up with things like Mother Love Bone and Freddy Jackson and Creed and some L.L. Cool J. I would be IN-sane! And he would be dead-meat!

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  11. At first, I giggled at “iPawed”, knowing that’s how some people in this part of the nation pronounce it.
    Then I got to Hocus Pocus by Focus, and fell out of my chair. It has been my boyfriend’s favorite song as of late, and here I’ve been thinking he’s weird for liking this oddball song with a guy yodeling enthusiastically.
    Maybe my boyfriend and Marvin knew each other in a past life.

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  12. Did you notice that Hocus Pocus by Focus got FIVE STARTS out of 901 ratings on that youtube video? Really. And they do yodel. FIVE STARS. What were/are people thinking when they listen to this, um, song? Yeah.

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  13. Yeah, Kathy, my boring Tallulah brushing her teeth video got found and a
    half, and let’s admit it. It wasn’t that thrilling. I think those stars are
    highly unscientific.
    On Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 10:49 AM, wrote:

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  14. That Hocus Pocus song is truly horrid. Awful. The yodeling? Oy vay, not good!
    If my husband ever touched my beloved iPod, I’d have to hurt him. Even though he is 9 years younger than I am? He loves OLD
    music – Bob Dylan and Neil Young are his most favorite – only the stuff from the 60s, though.

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  15. Dear Lynn,
    I remember that party! I drank some kind of whiskey from the Kroger across
    the street.
    Dear mom,
    That never happened. I did NOT have a party while you were out of town. Dave
    N. did NOT get drunk and put eggs in his eye sockets and then my pantyhose
    over his head. Nosir.
    On Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 12:15 PM, wrote:

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  16. LOL! You’re gonna hate me but that song has a great, albeit easy, bass line. Makes me want to play it. (I do play bass.) Maybe that’s one reason Marvin likes it? I’ve noticed in the past that he has a bass.
    The yodeling is just icing on the cake.
    I’ll tell you what’s GREAT adrenaline/exercise songs… all those techno-type songs I suggested from that one post. Seriously, go find a few on You Tube and see if you like them. You might especially like the remakes that DJ Sammy does.

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  17. I also have Hocus Pocus in my favorites; great song. It’s right next to “Strawberry Letter 23”, which is an awesome song because it has several hundred key changes (that make the song better, not just “truck driver’s gear changes”: http://www.gearchange.org/FAQ.html ).
    And right next to those songs: “Frankenstein” by the Edgar Winter Group, and “I Just Want To Celebrate” by Rare Earth.

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  18. Another song I really like is “Who Are They” by Jan Hammer (of Miami Vice fame). http://www.amazon.com/Melodies-Jan-Hammer-Group/dp/B000044TYH
    The keytar solo in that song RIPS OUT YOUR BRAIN and USES IT TO POUND PLAIN OLD GUITARS INTO DUST that Jan then MAKES INTO PANCAKES TO FEED HIS ROADIES, man! Whooo!
    The clip on Amazon is lame, and I can’t get to YouTube from work, but that’s okay, because most of you couldn’t handle it anyway.

    Like

  19. Ha! I love “Hocus Pocus!” But I would NEVER allow my husband, “TheManTheMyth” to put songs on my iPod. If I did, I’d end up with Angry Metal music and the complete works of Tool. And then I’d become a homicidal maniac.

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  20. Okay, I giggled at iPawed (cuz my dogs want one) but snorted morning coffee over the comments. You guys crack me up.
    And Hulk? I don’t get a little love for Skyping the Buckeye game to the other side of the world? Where’s my O-H?? hunh?
    Who loves ya, baby?

    Like

  21. I told my husband to load me up some good music. Now I have Nine Inch Nails, Metallica and Disturbed on it. Guess I wasn’t specific about who’s idea of good music I wanted.

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  22. I have no fear that Kahuna would ever change the songs on HIS Ipawed much less mine. Oh wait I don’t have one and he doesn’t know how to put songs on his. Currently he has listened to Iz, John Mayer, The Beach Boys and A Fresh Bold Truth by that Fox News Guy about umpteen bazillion times and just to dick with him I loaded the Johnny Cash Anthology and some Les Miserables. 🙂 I’m loving like that.
    PS He doesn’t know how to skip or delete songs. (Insert evil Snidley Whiplash laugh here)

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  23. Marvin sounds like the answer to my iPod woes. I’ve been scared to plug it in because my computer ate all of my songs. Maybe he could start offering music makeover consultations.

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  24. I’m exhausted. Why is it that I can be absent from Bye, Bye Pie for a mere 5 days and then have 5 hours of reading to catch up on? You are prolific my friend. I watched your You Tube videos and must admit that I was comforted by your MI accent. My husband has a major MI accent so of course I love you people and the way you say words like “crap.” Also, I am enjoying the Fountainhead but unless I pull an all-nighter will not finish by the deadline. Sad.
    Your post about the man hair slayed me. One of your best ever.

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  25. I just bought an iPod knockoff a few weeks ago and it took DAYS to figure out how to get the music onto it and still be able to find it later in my “folders”. What? Am I 98 years old???? AND OMG… who decided ear buds were a good idea? It would be as comfortable as shoving pumpkins in one’s ears.

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  26. Poor June, you are in the same company as my sister. Her husband gives her a gift, ex: Christmas ipod-takes it out, fills it up and sets preferences etc. Same on her camera. I just don’t understand. I think I would break their index fingers and thumbs. It would be hard to mess with an ipod with missing limbs don’t you think?

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  27. Alas, I attended THE Ohio University with the Marching 110, and not TBDBITL. Speaking of which, my SIL did fund raising for OSU’s College of Fine Arts. She lef tthat job this month to do the same thing for OSU’s The James Cancer Hospital (not sure of the exact name). Anyhooooo, at her going-away do, the OSU marching band came in and played. In some restaurant or bar or conference room in Columbus. Not all of them, but a lot.
    I had to admit that was cool.

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  28. Well, I suppose I am from very far away from Saginaw, but I know the Hocus Pocus song … “Know”, not “like”. His yodeling suck too (see on the map how close I live to yodeling country ? Like I should be an expert huh).
    My husband and I share a Nano, took us forever to find out how to upload CDs and download and work with libraries (is that how it is called, I don’t remember) on 2 computers.

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  29. Found you through Miss Doxie today. LOVE “Strawberry Letter 23” by the Brothers Johnson. Thought I’d throw in the name of the group so you’d know I’m so not kidding. So sad you don’t like it. Does Marvin have a brother?

    Like

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