No Speedo, radio

Because so many of you had so much to say about Vern–the man in my new masthead–yesterday, I thought I would delight you with a picture of said Vern in his Speedo.

Vern
 

You're welcome.

What says fashionable like some tighty goldies and your loafers? I don't know why I assume his…trunks…are gold, they just look gold to me.

That said, lay off Vern! I love Norma and Vern, even though I don't actually know them. And he is not the kind of uncle who makes you search his pockets for candy, whoever said that yesterday. Cut it out.

Speaking of my comments and such, now I know how to make the people who subscribe to me on Google Reader leave that danglity site and actually come on over; I have to redesign my blog!

My sitemeter doesn't count the people who are reading me from Google Reader. And I always thought, "I wonder how many people REALLY read me every day if you include those Google Reader people?"

Well, I don't always think that. Sometimes I think about the cinnamon buns in the vending machine at work, and occasionally I think about Dr. Laura. Because I listen to her on my drive home and she is just so mean.

Why so angry, Dr. Laura?

The other thing I thought about today was my grandmother and another one of her lines. We were out of soap in the women's bathroom today, so I refused to go in there. I mean, I could scurry back to my office and wash my hands in the sink there, but I really didn't want to touch the doorknobs that everyone else had touched soap-free.

Yes, I am Howard Hughes without the money. Would you like a jar of urine?

Seriously, you could almost have had one today, because my choices were (a) go to the no-soap-radio bathroom or (4), go to the other bathroom with no soundproofing whatsoever. Honestly, I can hear people rustle papers while I'm in there. I do not wish to provide sound effects.

Or, (C3PO), my last choice was to go downstairs to the first floor and use the bathroom there, which involves not only going down the steps but also walking a few paces outside. It was 74 degrees here today.

You'd think choice C3PO involved putting on my snowsuit and strapping on some GU and trail mix, so put off was I by the thought of having to go downstairs to that bathroom. Have I mentioned I have run marathons? Hence my reference to GU.

Seriously, both times I went down there today I was in such dire straits I barely made it.

Which made me think of Gramma. She had arthritis, and bad knees, and was all crippled up, and truth be told girlfriend was not that old. She died at age 68, so we're talking she was this bad off at 59 or so. At any rate, her one bathroom was allllll the way upstairs, and she'd sit there and watch her stories, and she'd say, "Oh, I have to go to the bathroom."

Then like an HOUR later, she'd say, "I know I gotta go up there but it pains me so, ya know it?" Ending her sentences in "ya know it?" was a big thing with Gramma.

Finally, TWO HOURS after her initial announcement, she struggle up. "Horse-shit sailor," she'd say, "I gotta pee so bad I can taste it." And then she'd creep creep creep up those stairs to her Dove-and-Prell-and-cigarette-scented bathroom.

You know, she had five kids and like 20 grandkids. We couldn't have pooled our money and gotten that poor woman a downstairs facility? Poor Gramma. But anyway, I thought of her pee quote and I wanted to say it but it didn't seem appropriate for work.

But for YOU guys…

76 thoughts on “No Speedo, radio

  1. Okay, now I feel guilty for reading you in G-Reader (which for this post I should say PG-13-Reader), but I don’t know how else to read you without running through a bunch of bookmarks to find your current post.
    And, if I did bookmark you, I’d miss the gobs of riveting subject matter you write of here, such as Gramma’s urinary tract health.
    And I just can’t miss a goldmine like that.

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  2. I think his speedo is gold too. But why oh why is the man wearing socks and shoes with said speedo? Love it.
    Is there no way we can find people that know Norma & Vern? Surely somehow on the internet we could find someone?

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  3. Why did this publish!!?? It wasn’t supposed to publish till tomorrow. And BTW there ARE relatives who know Norma and Vern & I’ve talked to them. You will just have to see my movie when it comes out.

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  4. If you click on the Speedo ad, you will see plenty of guys in socks and Speedos. Guess Verne was ahead of his time!

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  5. i’m glad you clarified this printed yesterday, i thought i was losing my mind.
    i love norma and vern. they would definitely be the type of neighbors in my small town when i was growing up.
    random comment, prell: i loved, loved, loved prell. so creamy and sudsy and smelled so good.

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  6. I was thinking Vern’s speedo was gold as well.
    Maybe Gramma’s knees were so bad because her only bathroom was upstairs. And she had to carry all those ungrateful kids up and down those stairs 857 times a day, not to mention all the times she needed to go up there for herself, without some kid latched on to her hip. And maybe when she was 36 her left knee started cracking and popping and hurting about 5 stairs up and her doctor said it’s because she is climbing steep stairs 857 times a day with a kid latched on her hip. Not to mention the other times when she had to climb stairs to get kids from naps, go to the bathroom, go to bed, etc. Maybe Gramma would think when she needed to run to Target that it would just be easier to go to the bathroom at Target than to carry a child upstairs to go pee and deal with the knee cracking, popping and hurting. Just a theory… I’m not talking from experience or anything.

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  7. At first glance, I knew the speedo was gold. Then scrolling down and seeing the socks and loafers?? What’s up with that?? I used to think I should have been a lady back then. Now? I’m not so sure I would have been attracted to that. At. All.

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  8. Hmm. I can’t tell if Vern is a conservative Republican or a screaming pinko commie from his fashion choices. The white socks could go either way. Where’s dcrmom???

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  9. Hmm. I can’t tell if Vern is a conservative Republican or a screaming pinko commie from his fashion choices. The white socks could go either way. Where’s dcrmom???

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  10. Hmm. I can’t tell if Vern is a conservative Republican or a screaming pinko commie from his fashion choices. The white socks could go either way. Where’s dcrmom???

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  11. Oh, and Jan-I posted this for you on yesterday’s comments, but thought you may have missed it:
    This one’s for Jan…
    “Looks like we made it
    Left each other on the way
    To another love
    Looks like we made it
    Or I thought so till today
    Until you where there everywhere
    And all I could taste was love the way we made it…”
    Unless you are old enough to be my Grandma. Then, just ewww…

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  12. You could always check your stats in Google Reader to see how many people are subscribing to you. That would give you a good idea, no?
    Is it “Redesign Your Blog” week or something because I just re-did mine too!

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  13. My Grandma always said, “I have to pee so bad my back teeth are floating!” When I was little that always scared me.

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  14. You need to post a warning before showing us men in Speedos.
    (Oh, and based on personal experience, your web traffic will jump today just because you put the word “speedo” in your post….there are some crazy people out there who apparently have nothing to do other than enter “speedo and picture” into Google.)

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  15. fwiw, i saw this in google reader before i could access it on this site.
    i was TRYING to come over here and tell you that you have 481 subscribers in google reader. you can just click “show details” on your feed and it will tell you how many people are reading.
    nice trunks, vern!

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  16. June, I do read you in Google Reader, but almsot every day I actually open up the link and come to your actual blog so that a) I can comment and b) you get the read count.
    The Only Girl, how does one check stats in Reader to see how many people are subscribing? I’ve often wondered if I have more readers who use Google Reader whom I don’t know about, but I don’t know how to find them.

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  17. Is this the same gramma who used to say, “Honey, men are like little dogs. Pee anywhere, hump anything”?
    I still would like to know about these goofy geometric designs to the left of our comments.

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  18. Another Google Reader follower and rare commenter here! I love the new design, although I could have lived without Vern in his Speedo.
    I just wanted to share the Dr. Laura mystification. I do NOT get her appeal – my brother-in-law thinks it’s because I’m a man-hating husband-controlling witch. Oh well, that’s nicer than what I think of him, so I can’t complain!

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  19. I’m sorry for insulting Vern yesterday with my comment about creepy uncles and pockets of candy. I only had one photo to go on and made a rash decision. June, don’t hate me!

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  20. Years ago when my youngest daughter was about 3, I would sometimes listen to Dr. laura when we drove around (just to keep me extra alert from all the boiling blood). One day I was tuning the radio, and found Doc L — Nelly started crying and sobbed, “Not the mean lady! Not the mean lady!” — and I have never listened to the Mean Lady since, but am comforted to hear she still lives up to her name.

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  21. I love the fact that the Speedo is high waisted. Gives Vern a slimming effect. It draws the eye up from the awful socks and loafers. Who wears socks to the beach or lake or whereever they are that necessitates a Speedo?

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  22. June’s former position as swim team manager has no doubt influenced her fascination for men in “Speedos”.

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  23. I like Vern! He seems a dapper sort of guy without trying, and more importantly without caring a whit what others (except Norma) think. What other reason could there be for those socks and shoes?
    When I started reading Bye Bye Pie, it was 100% about June for me. Then it was 90% June and 10% comments, now it’s getting to be 70% June and 30% all the rest of you comedians out there!
    Jan, I loved your comment! Do you need a home elevator? I have sure thought about putting one in here.
    I have no clue whatsoever if I am on google reader or not. I don’t even know if that is a good or a bad thing.

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  24. There’s so much in that picture to love…the perambulator in the background, the telephone pole coming out of the top of his head, the girdle/speedo, the calves so skinny they can’t keep his socks up, the wild & wavy hair that I imagine is really coarse and wiry to the touch, the nose, the way he tucks his chin for pictures so the nose looks even bigger, the fab outfit on his daughter and the proud way he’s holding her.
    Can’t wait for the movie so I can hear more about him.

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  25. Okay, I went to the official speedo site to see the men in socks and couldn’t find any, but did try the My Virtual Model to create a virtual me to try on swimsuits. What a kick. Is that really what I look like (like you guys would know…)?

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  26. Ok first I love Vern too. I want to hear more about Vern and his gold speedo.
    R2D2- I do not think you are Howard Hughes without money because you actually leave your house. And S3E3 you are not near as bad as I am in that I carry not only hand wipes in my pockets (think Monk) I also have my own um…hygenic individually wrapped umm…wiping utensils.
    Finally and foremost I could not wait 2 hours after announcing I must wee-wee. When i have to go well…there you are.

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  27. You have 481 Google Reader subscribers (including me). You just go to the blog’s like page or whatever in Reader itself and then click on ‘show details’ and it tells you how many subscribers any given blog has 🙂

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  28. That get-up is blasphemy to hot Speedo-wearing 20-somethings everywhere. Take a look at real swimmers wearing Speedos – not so gross after all! I love the the V in young athlete’s abs that point to the good stuff. Speedos can be a great thing!
    And now, off to a cold shower…

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  29. BTW, Verne is neither young nor athletic. He does not fit into this category. Just to make sure I’m clear. 🙂

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  30. I wish we could see what the other men at this shindig were wearing. Did Vern stand out from the crowd or were they all similarly attired?
    Oh, and I am 47 and already acting like your Grandma in terms of putting off potty trips because I don’t want to haul my creaky body off the couch. I don’t even have stairs as an excuse, and if I wanted to I could even use the kids’ bathroom which is practically next to the living room. I prefer to walk ALL the way down the hall to my own (CLEAN!!) bathroom, so sometimes I end up walking rather quickly.
    Google reader?? I’m clueless. I have your RSS feed bookmarked in Firefox.

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  31. I am LOVIN’ Vern in the speedo/socks combo. He definitely had style and was not afraid to show it.
    Loved Prell, too.
    Also, I am too lazy to use Google Reader…I just link my fav blogs on my blog sidebar (which is also my home page) and when someone posts, it climbs up to the top of the blog roll, easy peasy.

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  32. Oh my lawd! Is this your best post ever? It at least ties with Fran and his cornholio post. How can we start to vote for our favorite? I’m going to read it again.
    And even though I am “subscribed” to you, I never read you in the Google Reader because I want you to know that I came here! Not like you’re actually checking WHO comes here but… well, I’m pitiful.

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  33. Verne was one cool dude. Sorta devil-may-care with the exception of his wife and daughter(?). Too bad the family didn’t reciprocate. I have a basement full of old family photos. My siblings and Hubs’ siblings passed on them.
    The speedo sorta reminds me of the shorts the basketball players wore back in the stone age of my youth. I still can’t stand what they wear now….baggy pants that looks like they need their diaper changed.

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  34. OMG, I am in rarified company!!! My weird little avatar shape is the same as Hulk’s and Furry Godmother (C&B)’s!!! Does that mean I am part of the popular crowd??????? I know I’ll never come up with the comments that they spew forth! I guess I’ll have to be the straight guy.

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  35. This is for Hulk…
    Even now
    When there’s someone else who cares
    When there’s someone home waiting just for me
    Even now I think about you when I’m climbing up the stairs (and my knee is cracking and popping and hurting)
    And I wonder what to do so he won’t see
    That even now
    When I know it wasn’t right
    And I found a better life than what we had
    Even now I wake up crying in the middle of the night
    And I can’t believe it still could hurt so bad…
    And no… I’m not the same age as your Grandma, unless your Grandma is 36.

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  36. Are any of Vern’s descendants you met the baby in that picture?
    And seriously, Vern, you needed to eat something. A sandwich with extra mayo, perhaps.
    Can you include a picture of Vern and/or Norma on every post? Or maybe once a week. Or only when you have nothing more pressing to discuss.

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  37. Am so mad! All day I replied to your comments, told you how to check how many Google Readers you have, told Lindy I wasn’t mad at her, made fun of Hulk, and it’s not here. Not any of it, not no how. It was good stuff. Damn.

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  38. Oh man! I was actually very interested in your stats on the Google Reader er…readers, and then you took a hard left into Cinnamon Bun land and now hell, I want snacks. Damn you June!

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  39. June, I saw the speedo post last night, too, when I was trying to refresh the screen and see your great new look. I have to tell you that when I scrolled down and saw that lovely pic of old Vern, I spewed sweet ice tea all over my laptop monitor. I know, I know – blame it on Sue, right? And so help me if there wasn’t another tea-spewing episode today. I vote for Furry’s “one scrawny piece of nerdalicious man candy” for comment of the week. That comment got me, Moses the cat, AND my laptop all tea’ed up again. Ding dang it! I guess my tea-sippin’ while June-readin’ days are over, huh?
    And Hulk honey, if you get tired of old BM, just conjure up Ms. Grace by the Tymes…

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  40. WHY would you change your blog design??? It was so good to begin with!!!!
    ….
    ……
    That picture has officially scarred my mind. It is second only to health classes.

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  41. HOw do we know Vern was at a beach? We are all assuming he is at the beach since hello! Speedo. I have been checking out the picture all ding dang day. There’s no sand. It’s grassy! No water. And from what I can tell no one else is dressed in swimming attire. Also too? From the way the baby looks, it appears the baby is dressed for a mild spring day. I think Vern decided to wear his Speedo to the local park like it was normal to do so. Maybe Norma dared him. Maybe Norma told him the night before he didn’t do anything spontaneous anymore and she was growing bored. Maybe he was silently screaming for help.
    Now I think I understand your love of old photos of people you don’t know. The stories one can make up about them.

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  42. I Google-read you, but then click over to read the comments, so I’m counted as a page viewer or whatever. By the by, I’m glad I’m not the only one who would’ve gone to the out-of-the-way bathroom to avoid the toilet germs. Did you bring your own soap to work today, or just a jar?

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  43. Hi June. I follow you on Google Reader.
    Been reading/lurking for a long time, and found http://www.missdoxie.com because of you. Just thought I’d let you know she’s posting again. Your site and hers are 2 of my favorites. Thanks for all the smiles.

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  44. Oh Jan…Is the flame rekindling??
    Oh Ain’t Susi…if it doesn’t work out with Jan…
    How you doin’??
    Yo Vern…got an extra Speedo I could borrow? I’ll need one with a smidge more room in the front…

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  45. Jan,
    There are a couple of people at the picnic table on the right of the photo who look like they are wearing swimsuits too, or at least very short shorts. Glad to know I’m not the only one poring over the background of the picture. I don’t think it’s a beach either; it looks like a park to me.

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  46. Hulk honey, that was a unique way of publicly admitting that you are “gettin’ too big for your britches.” 😉

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  47. Dude, to get the read stats through RSS feeds set up FeedBurner. It isn’t difficult to set up – it’s a Google tool. It tells you how many subscribers (which is all RSS subscribers not just Google Reader) and also what items were read/viewed.

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