No Speedo, radio

Because so many of you had so much to say about Vern–the man in my new masthead–yesterday, I thought I would delight you with a picture of said Vern in his Speedo.

Vern
 

You're welcome.

What says fashionable like some tighty goldies and your loafers? I don't know why I assume his…trunks…are gold, they just look gold to me.

That said, lay off Vern! I love Norma and Vern, even though I don't actually know them. And he is not the kind of uncle who makes you search his pockets for candy, whoever said that yesterday. Cut it out.

Speaking of my comments and such, now I know how to make the people who subscribe to me on Google Reader leave that danglity site and actually come on over; I have to redesign my blog!

My sitemeter doesn't count the people who are reading me from Google Reader. And I always thought, "I wonder how many people REALLY read me every day if you include those Google Reader people?"

Well, I don't always think that. Sometimes I think about the cinnamon buns in the vending machine at work, and occasionally I think about Dr. Laura. Because I listen to her on my drive home and she is just so mean.

Why so angry, Dr. Laura?

The other thing I thought about today was my grandmother and another one of her lines. We were out of soap in the women's bathroom today, so I refused to go in there. I mean, I could scurry back to my office and wash my hands in the sink there, but I really didn't want to touch the doorknobs that everyone else had touched soap-free.

Yes, I am Howard Hughes without the money. Would you like a jar of urine?

Seriously, you could almost have had one today, because my choices were (a) go to the no-soap-radio bathroom or (4), go to the other bathroom with no soundproofing whatsoever. Honestly, I can hear people rustle papers while I'm in there. I do not wish to provide sound effects.

Or, (C3PO), my last choice was to go downstairs to the first floor and use the bathroom there, which involves not only going down the steps but also walking a few paces outside. It was 74 degrees here today.

You'd think choice C3PO involved putting on my snowsuit and strapping on some GU and trail mix, so put off was I by the thought of having to go downstairs to that bathroom. Have I mentioned I have run marathons? Hence my reference to GU.

Seriously, both times I went down there today I was in such dire straits I barely made it.

Which made me think of Gramma. She had arthritis, and bad knees, and was all crippled up, and truth be told girlfriend was not that old. She died at age 68, so we're talking she was this bad off at 59 or so. At any rate, her one bathroom was allllll the way upstairs, and she'd sit there and watch her stories, and she'd say, "Oh, I have to go to the bathroom."

Then like an HOUR later, she'd say, "I know I gotta go up there but it pains me so, ya know it?" Ending her sentences in "ya know it?" was a big thing with Gramma.

Finally, TWO HOURS after her initial announcement, she struggle up. "Horse-shit sailor," she'd say, "I gotta pee so bad I can taste it." And then she'd creep creep creep up those stairs to her Dove-and-Prell-and-cigarette-scented bathroom.

You know, she had five kids and like 20 grandkids. We couldn't have pooled our money and gotten that poor woman a downstairs facility? Poor Gramma. But anyway, I thought of her pee quote and I wanted to say it but it didn't seem appropriate for work.

But for YOU guys…

76 thoughts on “No Speedo, radio

  1. Am so mad! All day I replied to your comments, told you how to check how many Google Readers you have, told Lindy I wasn’t mad at her, made fun of Hulk, and it’s not here. Not any of it, not no how. It was good stuff. Damn.

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  2. Oh man! I was actually very interested in your stats on the Google Reader er…readers, and then you took a hard left into Cinnamon Bun land and now hell, I want snacks. Damn you June!

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  3. June, I saw the speedo post last night, too, when I was trying to refresh the screen and see your great new look. I have to tell you that when I scrolled down and saw that lovely pic of old Vern, I spewed sweet ice tea all over my laptop monitor. I know, I know – blame it on Sue, right? And so help me if there wasn’t another tea-spewing episode today. I vote for Furry’s “one scrawny piece of nerdalicious man candy” for comment of the week. That comment got me, Moses the cat, AND my laptop all tea’ed up again. Ding dang it! I guess my tea-sippin’ while June-readin’ days are over, huh?
    And Hulk honey, if you get tired of old BM, just conjure up Ms. Grace by the Tymes…

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  4. WHY would you change your blog design??? It was so good to begin with!!!!
    ….
    ……
    That picture has officially scarred my mind. It is second only to health classes.

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  5. HOw do we know Vern was at a beach? We are all assuming he is at the beach since hello! Speedo. I have been checking out the picture all ding dang day. There’s no sand. It’s grassy! No water. And from what I can tell no one else is dressed in swimming attire. Also too? From the way the baby looks, it appears the baby is dressed for a mild spring day. I think Vern decided to wear his Speedo to the local park like it was normal to do so. Maybe Norma dared him. Maybe Norma told him the night before he didn’t do anything spontaneous anymore and she was growing bored. Maybe he was silently screaming for help.
    Now I think I understand your love of old photos of people you don’t know. The stories one can make up about them.

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  6. I Google-read you, but then click over to read the comments, so I’m counted as a page viewer or whatever. By the by, I’m glad I’m not the only one who would’ve gone to the out-of-the-way bathroom to avoid the toilet germs. Did you bring your own soap to work today, or just a jar?

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  7. Oh Jan…Is the flame rekindling??
    Oh Ain’t Susi…if it doesn’t work out with Jan…
    How you doin’??
    Yo Vern…got an extra Speedo I could borrow? I’ll need one with a smidge more room in the front…

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  8. Jan,
    There are a couple of people at the picnic table on the right of the photo who look like they are wearing swimsuits too, or at least very short shorts. Glad to know I’m not the only one poring over the background of the picture. I don’t think it’s a beach either; it looks like a park to me.

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  9. Dude, to get the read stats through RSS feeds set up FeedBurner. It isn’t difficult to set up – it’s a Google tool. It tells you how many subscribers (which is all RSS subscribers not just Google Reader) and also what items were read/viewed.

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