Family, June's stupid life, My pets, Photo essays

Good-n-Shiny

by June

It is 8:29 p.m. and I have just finished working. Which means technically I worked a 12-and-a-half-hour day. Well, a 12-hour and 29-minute day. But it's not so bad. I got done with my regularly scheduled job–which doesn't it seem like my last day is taking forever to get here?–and came home and did some freelance work, which I have been doing lately to prepare for my new life. Of freelancing.

Do you know who is excited that I will be freelancing again?

ShinyandfranFrancis. And also my shiny forehead. How can I have a giant wrinkle there and also have a shiny issue? How is that fair in life?

The years I proofread at home, I always proofed in this chair, and Francis always sat on me like this. When I returned to the real work world, it was weird working without trying to navigate around a huge purring creature. And I know you can't tell, but that is as happy as Francis gets, over there.

It's like an otter is sitting on me, isn't it?

After Marvin took this picture of the scene that brought us back to circa 2002-2006, he left the camera next to me. I have not told you guys this, but remember last weekend when you said that picture I took of Tallulah was really good?

Falllu
This one.

Well, this picture was taken with my NEW CAMERA, which I bought before I quit my job in a huff.

Oh, it wasn't THAT expensive. I bought it used from a guy at work. At any rate, it has an automatic setting, but then it has fancy settings, too, and tonight I tried to play with them when I really should have been doing my proofreading, and hello faithful reader who sent me the proofreading job in the first place. I swear right after this I got right on your stuff.

Snoot

Okay, way too close to Henry, who is acting pretty big for his nonexistent britches, if you ask me.

Manyhens
Um. What the Sam Hill was this button trying to achieve?

Focus
How cute would this have been if I knew HOW TO FOCUS? Tallulah was distraught that Francis was on me, and she knew if she wanted to keep snouted she could not even THINK of getting on the chair with us.

So, remember how bad my shots were when I had a simple camera? Yeah. Maybe this was a bad idea.

But soon I will have all the time in the world in which to learn about my new camera. And you can expect BRILLIANT pictures of me wearing a barrel.

In other news, I am going back to Michigan this weekend and I am just delighted that everyone will see I got fat post-Topamax. However, the last 12 times I have talked to my mother she is cramming Halloween candy down her gullet at a breakneck pace, so I may not be alone in my Rubenesque look. "Uoi, uney, aow are ouuu?" she'll say, through her Good-n-Plenty.

I am going back to bug my Uncle Jim again, who probably thinks the worst part about cancer was having to see my shiny forehead eight times in one year. He is still in remission, by the way, and his platelets are up, which is always good. My plates are up, too, in the cupboard. I guess doctors like that sort of thing.

Also, my cousins are having a Halloween bash, and my pal Gertrude and I are going, and now my mother said (we had a Snickers interpreter tell us this) that she wants to go, too. So my mother and I came up with the inspired idea that we are going to dress up as each other. We cannot get enough of ourselves.

So here's where we need your help. Obviously mom will be getting a blonde fright wig. That goes without saying. But what else can she be holding to emulate me? I thought of a red pen. And junk food. What else?

All I have to do to be mom is stuff my brassierial area and wear 3957530234740324 political buttons and I'm all set. Then I get to look over at mom disapprovingly several times during the night. "June, don't you think you're drinking too much?" "June, you're so crude, honey. No one wants to see your bra on your head."

Oh! That's IT! Mom has GOT to tie a bra to her head. I am sorry to tell you that that is kind of my signature move at a party. No, I DON'T know why I didn't get that invitation to dine with the queen.

Okay, more how-mom-can-dress-up-as-June suggestions, please.

74 thoughts on “Good-n-Shiny”

  1. “…too big for his nonexistent britches.”
    “…Snickers interpreter…”
    Bwahahahahahahaha!!
    I adore Francis.
    Mom could have kittens hanging off her. STUFFED, I would recommend. Like Beanie Babies.

    Like

  2. “…too big for his nonexistent britches.”
    “…Snickers interpreter…”
    Bwahahahahahahaha!!
    I adore Francis.
    Mom could have kittens hanging off her. STUFFED, I would recommend. Like Beanie Babies.

    Like

  3. “…too big for his nonexistent britches.”
    “…Snickers interpreter…”
    Bwahahahahahahaha!!
    I adore Francis.
    Mom could have kittens hanging off her. STUFFED, I would recommend. Like Beanie Babies.

    Like

  11. L. Strange, she still has a Morris Udall button. “Ms. for Mo.” So I am CERTAIN she has a Dukakis one.

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  12. I do like the idea of live kittens or baby lions, but I was thinking a tshirt with a picture of your animals on it. Or one that says “I (heart) me.”

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  13. Oh, this is going to be one of those days…
    ~she should go as anti-Annie Leibovitz
    ~a giant FB icon, with a red circle and a line thru it…
    ~a butt with a graduation hat on top–a smart ass…

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  14. If you need a pitstop while near Canton Ohio, give me a call. I would love to meet you and your mom. And I swear I am not a killer/stalker/rapist. At least not in that combination! Oh…and I would let you play with my bulldogs.

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  15. ~buy one of those rubber bald head skull caps, and she can go as MJDI “The Brazillian”
    ~attach a lens to a ball cap, then tie a picture of Talu to the bill of the cap-she can go as Doggie Cam

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  19. You mean you no longer have that Madonna or stingray costume anymore? Your mom can go as your past Halloween costumes. Or just have a giant stuffed cat on the front of her with an afghan draped around her and papers and a red pen in her hand and she is June the freelancing proofreader. Who wouldn’t want to be that?

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  20. June, I adore this post! I have been laughing out loud the entire time.
    “…an otter sitting on me…”
    “…too big for his non-existent britches…”
    “…Snickers interpreter…”
    I agree with everyone, your mom should be holding cats or have them sewn on her. I also second the “I Heart Me” t-shirt idea. I think all night she should walk around and say “I’d never be sad again” about random things. Oh, and make sure she has a Dr. Pepper in her hand.

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  25. You should go with skis in one hand and a jug of Paul Mason in the other.(“skis, what skis”) And then the Democratic pins would work too, because it’s Mom c.1979. And if you had an old brownish Honda laden with “Save the Whale” stickers on it to get to the party, that would really top it off.

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  26. ~glue some burned boards to her body and have her put on a Heat Miser wig and go as The Golden Glow Ballroom…
    ~make giant calendar pages for yourselves-you can go as “May”, she can go as…

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  29. how about if she could make a small ferris wheel and get some guy to dress up like marvin (extra points if he could find a shirt like the one marvin wears in about 8 of your anniversary pictures) w/an engagement ring?

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  30. I wish I could sell toilets from home.
    I agree with Sleeping Beauty, the June as Madonna costume. I remember the party and the costume.

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  31. No ideas about your mom’s costume, but as soon as I finish this book I’m writing, I’ll hire you to edit it. Of course you may be retired by then.

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  36. Be sure your mother carries around a fancy camera and takes terrible pictures of the night’s festivities. Clearly you didn’t inhert your father’s ability, so your mom should have no problem with this task.

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  37. I think you should photoshop your mom into someone else’s family portrait and make a teeshirt of the resulting image for her to wear, obviously along with the Bumpit.

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  38. Aw, so that’s why Francis sits in that chair all day long. He just misses you. I have a soft spot for fat crazy old Francis, even though I realize he would fillet that soft spot in a hot second

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  39. First, I would like to point out that you can’t even see the huge wrinkle thru the shiny…so the shiny is GOOD.
    Second also 2, am I the only one who LIKES your pictures? I don’t think they’re horrible at all. But maybe I’m comparing them to mine…
    Third and lastly, I’m with everyone who says your mom should wear a wedding gown with a Bud Light between the boobs, multiple stuffed cats hanging and a dog trailing, and the Bumpit in her hair.
    Have a great time and take many great pictures.

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  40. Make sure the wedding dress is PINK, though. Pink sparkly shoes would be nice, too. And like TX Peach up there? Sonic wrappers all over the dress would be nice along with attached kitties and one nice pit bull! Hee! Oh, and make sure that your mom makes several poop references throughout the night.
    K. I’m done.

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  43. I forgot about fourth, but which should really be first and foremost, GREAT news about Uncle Jim. Tell him Hi from Team Winston.

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  44. I’ve perused the comments and all of my suggestions have been covered, mainly the beer-in-the-cleavage, bra strap, and cats and a dog accessories.
    Thank you for the umpteenth time for making me laugh.

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  46. You remember when that music chick…I think her name starts with a ‘B’…went to the Grammys wearing a huge-swan-draped-around-her-neck-dress? Maybe, instead of the swan, it could be an enormous Francis tied around her neck. And she DEFINITELY Must be wearing pink, I think.

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  47. Good-n-Shiny! Bwahahahaha. I didn’t notice the shiny forehead, as I was mesmerized by Francis’ glowing evil eyes, hinting that Marvin should take a step back lest he lose a limb.
    I vote that your mom wear the I Heart Me t-shirt and cannot wait to see pictures, however yellowy and blurry those pictures may be.

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  55. Srsly, Paula, you will forever be our favorite for that infamous statement. I still crack a rib every time I think of it, in case you couldn’t tell.

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  56. Well obviously get a stuffed animal cat and attach it to her chestal/belly area a la Francis. Or, bring Francis.

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  57. If she has a stuffed cat, she could carryit around. And she could wax her forehead (Sorry, I couldn’t resist).

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  58. Tiffaney: 🙂
    OMG, I couldn’t comment ALL DAY and what I was going to say this morning isn’t funny anymore.
    I hope this was a isolated site glitch, because I won’t be SILENCED, JUNE, YOU INTOLERANT WHORE!!

    Like

  59. Tiffaney: 🙂
    OMG, I couldn’t comment ALL DAY and what I was going to say this morning isn’t funny anymore.
    I hope this was a isolated site glitch, because I won’t be SILENCED, JUNE, YOU INTOLERANT WHORE!!

    Like

  60. Tiffaney: 🙂
    OMG, I couldn’t comment ALL DAY and what I was going to say this morning isn’t funny anymore.
    I hope this was a isolated site glitch, because I won’t be SILENCED, JUNE, YOU INTOLERANT WHORE!!

    Like

  61. I heart Francis. 🙂 He reminds me of my sweet old Miss Libby, who was a ton-o-bad humor, lay-on-ya tuxedo cat too. How old is Francis? Several cat people have told me black and white cats live longer – Libs made it to 18. You and Francis may wade through many more manuscripts together in that pink chair.
    For your mom as June, don’t forget bitey Lula – maybe y’all can clamp a stuffed dog’s mouth on her arm, to go with previously mentioned kittens, Sonic chili cheese dog wrappers, and escaping bra strap. Oh, she needs to sprinkle plenty of “plus, also, too?” in whatever she says. 🙂

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  62. Who has that crazy pink dress that went from June to ?
    That dress would be great on June’s momma.
    Some cute shoes.
    With all of the suggestions above.
    Don’t forget a cup of coffee.
    A yellow Volkswagon bug.
    June? Everyone knows about the costumes you have posted on ByeByePie, but do you have any pictures of the bumble bee costume from high school? That is still my fav.

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  63. Oh, Paula… I might become a persistent lesbian for you. You crack me up every.ding.dang.day. I might get a Team H&B shirt. Also? Seriously? Just the other day I referenced Hookers and Blow to someone who *does not* read this blog and was met with a blank stare. Then I called them an intolerant whore. I then spent the next five minutes trying to stifle my own hysterics.

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  64. I like all of the suggestions but I would add “My name is Sparkley Rose Blossom, I don’t care what those hippie parents are calling mre this week”

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  65. CATS! a map to Tiny town (although if you lived there you wouldn’t need a map….let me rethink). Carrying a giant Marvin Gardens card? Don’t know. Okay, not great ideas. I’m out.

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  67. If your mother wants to go as a current June, perhaps she could have someone periodically shout “INTOLERANT WHORE” at her.

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  68. I was unable to comment yesterday so all my ideas have been taken. Except for one:
    – Take your mom’s crazy hair wig that she is going to wear, and staighten one side and leave the other side curly/frizzy.
    That’s all I have.

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  71. ok, I commented before I read all the other comments so I didn’t realize I was the 421st person to suggest the Bumpit. So sorry to be a Persistent Suggester.

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