Another padhead for humiliation

Boyohboy 001

Why do I look like I have a mustache when I have my disapproving mom expression? I swear I don't. I think mom's gigantic Sally Jesse Raphael glasses were casting a shadow. I hope.

And so 15,000 people don't ask, mom's shirt reads, "Another Skinhead for Peace." That's our good friend Gandhi, there, on the shirt. The only shirt I own that reads anything is my "Owls are Assholes" shirt. Which I don't even think is true, I am just being funny.

And the poodle mom is holding, which sadly resembles her June hair, belongs to Faithful Reader Hulk's daughter, Hulkette. I asked her if we could borrow it, and I told her I'd return it the next day. But then if you read my blog, you know I was sick sick sick on Sunday, with a giant migraine. I emailed Hulk and told him I'd be there Monday.

Monday rolled around and Hulk told Hulkette, "My friend June will be over later to return your stuffed dog."

Hulkette, who is like eight or something, said, "Well, actually, she said she was returning it Sunday."

Geez. Hulk asked, Who is she, Rain Man? Some people are so persnickety.

And that is all I have to say about my Halloween ensemble. The next thing I have to tell you is for girls only.

IF YOU ARE A BOY, STOP READING THIS. IT INVOLVES MAXI PADS.

YOU JUST LEFT, DIDN'T YOU?

So, I have never been to Sam's Club, because I don't cook and all I purchase at the store is coffee. However, my mother was going to Sam's Club while I was there and asked if I needed anything. Other than 10,734 toothpicks for Hulkette to count, I said I needed some pads. Some "come on over to my pad" feminine protection.

Who returns with nine million four hundred and sixty thousand maxi pads? I did not know all you can get at Sam's Club are bulk items. I mean, talk about bulk. I am set until menopause.

We needed an additional carry-on bag for me to store these things. Had the plane crashed, I had my own air bag. It was ridiculous.

At the airport in my hometown, sometimes they pull you aside and search your bags, and I was pleading with all that is merciful and holy that they would NOT INSPECT THAT BAG. It was like Cathy Rigby was flying or something.

Fortunately, they did not, and I checked the bag instead of carrying it. But then when I got to Greensboro? And it was rolling around the carousel? I wasn't sure if it was my bag or not. And because I can never keep anything to myself, I said to the old, ancient man behind me, "I think that's my bag, but I can't be sure. I'm gonna grab it and look inside."

Okay.

I had really kind of blocked how ridiculous it was in that bag. Remember how they kept opening that case in Pulp Fiction and you couldn't see what was in it but it kept glowing gold in their faces? I opened that bag and you have never seen so many yellow plastic squares in your life. It was like I stole the yellow brick road. It was like an explosion of peeps. We're talking yellow.

The old man, who had been so concerned about my bag situation, politely looked away. He probably wanted to dive onto the carousel and rotate away from me.

"Yep. That's my bag." I scurried out of there, hoping to never, ever see that poor man again.

When I came home and unpacked, Marvin was astonished. 'GEEZ! How many have you GOT in there?! It's like clowns coming out of a Volkswagen!" I didn't tell him there were more pads in my original suitcase.

At any rate, if you're ever over and need some feminine protection, I may have some.

60 thoughts on “Another padhead for humiliation

  1. Yay! I get to be the first one to comment on how much you and your mom resemble one another. What an awesome idea for costumes, considering.
    Oh, and your pad story made coffee come out my nose when Marv mentioned the clowns in the Volkswagon. It cracked me up, mostly because it wasn’t me. This time.

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  2. I feel your pain. While in 7 grade I had to go to the school nurse to get one of their oh so fancy pads. They were in a card board box with a lady from 1972 on them and maybe pink flowers? Well, she was out. So I had to walk with her to some storage closet where she filled a white (TRANSLUSENT) garbage bag full and then I had to carry them over my shoulder like Santa Claus, THROUGH THE GYM full of students back to her office. Yep. That was me. It didn’t leave a scar on my mind or anything. Nope. I’m good here.

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  3. Or Marvin could take them to school to help that poor Farten boy. He could use them as padding when he is getting beaten up every day.
    Okay, I’ll stop. (maybe)

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  4. June, you look JUST like Sally Jesse Raphael!
    Your airport story was hilarious! I didn’t think people still actually used those things. As a teen, 60 yrs. ago, my Aunt Gwen used to work at a place that made sanitary products. I wonder if they had a problem with employee theft.
    Marvin never ceases to crack me up.
    STEVE: You were suppose to leave when June started talking about the pads. Caught cha!

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  5. Yup, definitely the coffee came out the nose, after this one.
    If I were a terrorist, which I’m not-in case any Feds read your blog, I would place my bomb on the bottom of my purse and then I would cover the thing up with hundreds of tampons. Anytime, I’ve been in a security situation where they have to inspect purses, like airports, stadiums, concerts, if I’ve got a tampon on top, those male security guards, peer in, take one look at that bad boy and then step away as if they’d just found a big ole bag of anthrax. They wave you through like it’s nobody’s business, just to get themselves out of an awkward tampon situation.
    And for the record, I would never do that, Feds.

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  6. The funny thing is, Hulkette probably would have forgotten that you even HAD the dog, had I not mentioned that you were returning it. Late.
    How she can remember that, or stuff like the name of a girl she met ONCE when she was three, and not remember to TURN OFF THE LIGHT WHEN SHE LEAVES A ROOM…mind-blowing. No wonder my beard is gray. Or grey.
    Is it me, or does Steve seem to have a rather unhealthy fixation on maxi pads and my manly shoulders?
    Finally, I wonder if there are any other blogs that could possibly incorporate “man meat” and maxi pads like this one…
    Oh, and opne more…
    “Bloody hilarious…”~Hulk is DY-ING here. Bravo, Bronwen.

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  7. I have a pad story to share…we were heading to an amusement park with my sister and her friend (they were about 13-14 years old) and my daughter (who was about 8) and we stopped at McDonald’s to get coffee for the trip (for the parents, not the kids) and the older girls started talking about needing “napkins” for the day because it was that time of the month.
    My daughter, not knowing any better, said “Well, we’re at McDonald’s – they have napkins!”
    Cracked the teens up.
    Ok so it’s not so funny now but we thought it was a hoot then.

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  8. Since you will be freelancing soon, the maxi pads could be of great use…..just use them like Depends..then you will never have to get up from your comfy chair. Wait, that is gross.

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  9. You want embarrassing pad stories? Just live in a remote tribal village in Papua New Guinea where everything has to be purchased by a supply buyer and flown in to your home. There’s nothing like announcing “My two daughters are women now!” by ordering a case of Stayfree and have said case flown in its own Cessna because turns out a case of Stayfree is four feet square. And a case of pads that large doesn’t fit in the bathroom cabinet. We were using it as a table in the bathroom.

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  10. I would love to know what the guy at the airport thought when you opened up your bag. Too funny. If you ever see him on the street, he’ll have to whisper to his friends “That’s the lady I was telling you about – the one that stuffed Big Bird into her luggage.”

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  11. A million years ago, I lived in Taiwan. Then I left. And I had a Ziplock bag full of tampons in my carry on bag. Because in the tropics, it’s humid. And extra humidity can ruin your 1986 Tampax with the cardboard tube.
    So the Chinese Guy in Customs pulls out my Bag O’ Lady Products and says . . . I’m not making this up . . . “Cigarettes?”
    P.S. At the time, I actually could speak enough Chinese that I was able to grab the bag from him and say, “Noooooo. Those are my Lady Monthly Thingies.”
    That’s how it translated.
    I never said I was GOOD at Chinese.

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  12. A friend of mine calls them “industrial strength maxi-saddles” cracks me up. And…not to rat out my fellow sisters, she has been known to rip that pink strip off… make sure it’s obviously displayed in the trash where her husband will see it…then wear one to bed (even when she doesn’t need it…ssshhhh) just to ensure a good nights sleep (or she may be pissed off) works every time. or is that everytime.

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  13. Yep, I can beat all of you and your period stories. I attended Catholic school and I got my period for the first time in the middle of school mass! We were kneeling on the pews and I felt like the kids behind me were staring at me, turns out they had good reason to! After mass I ran to the school office and cried my eyes out. My mom came and picked me up from school. I still shudder at that memory.

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  14. Epilogue~
    Keep forgetting about this…they are not ORBS, or ghosts, or dead relatives. They are light refractions from the lens.
    Buncha ding-dangs is what you all are…

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  15. Thank you for fixing the accent on a la mode. I mentioned to our mutual friend Hulk that it was distressing me, so perhaps he told you? But on this topic … ever read Sand in my Bra? There’s at least one funny story in there about traveling with Aunt Flo. Ooh – just discovered there’s a sandinmybra.com site.

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  16. Cripes – I saw the pic and thought wow, that June’s Mom looks just like the June! And then I looked at the faux June and finally got it – duh. I know but in my defense it has been one of those kind of days.

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  17. Maybe use the maxi pads for next year’s Halloween costume, like my dear husband has done. One year, he made a cape out of Depends, taped panty liners to his clothes and attached dangling tampons to his baseball hat. He carried a big oll’ sign saying ‘Feminine Protector.’ The many ladies that crossed our paths were very appreciative until it started to rain and the costume ‘turned on him’ and all the pads soaked up the water and started dragging on the ground and the tampons blew up double in size. It wasn’t pretty…

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  18. Your suitcase full of glowing yellow embarrassment was hilarious. The first time I flew after the increased security measures were implemented, I had … an item … in my carry on that was more personal and embarrassing than a mountain of maxi pads. Far more. To my utter shock and horror, they were randomly pulling people out of the line at the gate, putting their carry-ons up on a table and then systematically pulling out the entire contents of the bags and laying it all out on the table in full view of the other passengers in line.
    Oh dear god.
    Now, I’m sure there are probably a few things one could have in their carry-on that would be more mortifying to have displayed on a table in front of a group of people you are about to get on an airplane with, but let me assure you, it is a short, short list. I tried to talk myself into having an arrogant, “Yeah, that’s right” attitude about it, but please, there was no way that was going to work. As the line moved along and I got closer and closer to the front my heart was pounding, my face was flushed. Between how nervous I must have looked and the unfortunate, crazy-eyed mad bomber picture on my ID, I’m kind of surprised they didn’t pick me, but they picked the woman behind me instead.
    I would probably still be huddled in a corner somewhere rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently to myself.

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  19. Funny,you don’t look like your mentalstrating in that picture.
    Oh and my pad story…well let’s just say that you always want to make sure that the sticky is positions towards your panty and not your who-who. (wait maybe that’s why owls are assholes.)

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  20. Oooooh, I just about died of embarrassment as a freshman in college. On the trip home for Christmas, I had the unfortunate timing of going through Laguardia about an hour after a big bomb scare. The place was on lock down and they were sifting through all carry on luggage. I had been partying late the night before and threw all my dirty underwear in the carry on with assorted female necessities in a mad scramble to the plane. Yay. All of my business was spread out on a six foot table in the middle of the airport. The closest (male) officer took pity on my near death experience and hugged me when one of the bomb sniffing dogs stole a pair of panties from the table.
    “There, there, Sweetheart,” he comforted me, “At least there aren’t any drugs…Um, are there?”

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  21. Oooooh, I just about died of embarrassment as a freshman in college. On the trip home for Christmas, I had the unfortunate timing of going through Laguardia about an hour after a big bomb scare. The place was on lock down and they were sifting through all carry on luggage. I had been partying late the night before and threw all my dirty underwear in the carry on with assorted female necessities in a mad scramble to the plane. Yay. All of my business was spread out on a six foot table in the middle of the airport. The closest (male) officer took pity on my near death experience and hugged me when one of the bomb sniffing dogs stole a pair of panties from the table.
    “There, there, Sweetheart,” he comforted me, “At least there aren’t any drugs…Um, are there?”

    Like

  22. Oooooh, I just about died of embarrassment as a freshman in college. On the trip home for Christmas, I had the unfortunate timing of going through Laguardia about an hour after a big bomb scare. The place was on lock down and they were sifting through all carry on luggage. I had been partying late the night before and threw all my dirty underwear in the carry on with assorted female necessities in a mad scramble to the plane. Yay. All of my business was spread out on a six foot table in the middle of the airport. The closest (male) officer took pity on my near death experience and hugged me when one of the bomb sniffing dogs stole a pair of panties from the table.
    “There, there, Sweetheart,” he comforted me, “At least there aren’t any drugs…Um, are there?”

    Like

  23. Sixty years ago when my parents were first married, my mom started her period. My dad was a frugal young lad and didn’t want to spend money on pads, so he told her to use rags like his mother did. She told him to take his rags and shove them up his ass. But in nicer words.

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  24. There is not a towel, but instead a blanket on the couch in the den, because the dogs usually sit there during the day. The blanket should have been removed before guests sat on it, but I was too busy cooking a meal for 10 people, so sue me. Can’t anyone notice what a pretty house we have and get off the subject of a towel on the sofa. Also, I only jointed Sam’s so I could buy salmon for June. It’s a long story.

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  25. Ha!!! I really am cracking up over this! Everyone feels the need to share their own personal feminine protection story. So, here’s mine!
    I am the oldest of 5 sisters (the boys don’t count in this story), plus my mom, so that makes 6 of us with monthly cycles. My step-dad popped over to the local Safeway and asked for the giant case of Tampax to distribute amongst the bathrooms at home. When he gets to the register with the giant 3-ft. square box full of Tampax the poor teen-aged checker looks at him quizically and my step-dad looks him straight in the eye and said, “I smoke ’em”.

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  26. Mom, your home is lovely. I too have blankets and sheets on my sofas to protect them from the dogs. Why wasn’t anyone helping you in the kitchen? You were kind enough to invite over guests and you slaved away graciously. Hmmph, next time canned salmon.

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  27. One day in 7th grade, our (male) English teacher found an unused, wrapped pad on the classroom floor. He held up the pad in all its pastel pink-wrapped glory and asked loudly, “Did anyone lose a pack of tissues?” Stifled giggles. “Anyone? Did anyone lose these tissues?” More giggles and awkward looks. Then he actually turned to one girl and asked, “Are these your tissues?” She quickly responded, “No, I don’t have a cold today.” Giggles turned to outright laughter. To this day, we don’t know if he was trying to be sensitive or if he was just that clueless.

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  28. Pads are nothing compared to the wrapped sex toys I have HEARD about going through security screening. (Never give a sex swing as a Christmas gift if it has to go through airport security) Just sayin.

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  29. OMG! I about died when I read the Furry Godmather’s post. Definitely one of the most mortifying stories I have heard in a while. Me loves it.

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  30. LisaPie gets my vote for funny post this week.
    “I smoke em”. Ha!
    I picture the checkout boy going home and stealing tampons from his sister and getting caught trying to smoke a weed stuffed cylinder. (Inhales, hands it over to June,) “here”

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  31. Laughed when I read the comment that Steve left about using them for an art project.
    My 4 year old granddaughter made a card for someone and guess what she used to glue on the front for decoration? Yep, you guessed right. What a lovely card it was too with the 6 pads stuck to the front. lol

    Like

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