Wicked dog

So, tomorrow I am getting a textbook to proofread, which is wonderful and everything, but of COURSE I am getting a huge, difficult TEXTBOOK on STATISTICS to proofread right before Thanksgiving, in which 394858 of my relatives are coming.

Okay, four. Four of my relatives are coming. Still.

So I have to think about cleaning this house, cooking Thanksgiving dinner–and y'all know I am Chef Tell, over here–and getting a HUGE textbook proofed, all this week.

Oh! And a friend from LA is coming to NC, and she is driving 90 miles to see me on Tuesday. So now I have to clean the house, plan for Thanksgiving dinner, and read a huge, difficult textbook MINUS ONE DAY.

I decided to gather my proofreading supplies so that I can be all ready tomorrow. So maybe I can spend, like, 10 hours working and get ahead of myself.

When I'm proofreading, I need my giant mother dictionary; the Chicago Manual of Style (heretofore known as the CMOS); my pens; a notebook so I can record any anomalies I see; the APA style guide; and my copious checklist that I have, reminding me of everything I need to do when I proofread these books.

(For example? First? I have to look at every.single.page. to make sure the pages are all there. Then I have to look at every.single.page. again to make sure none of the pictures are missing. Then I have to look at every.single.page. again to make sure the chapter headings are correct. And no, you can't do those things all at once. You're liable to miss something.)

Next time you say, "Oh, I love to read! Maybe I could be a proofreader!" please see the above paragraph. Because that's about 10% of what you have to do to proof a ding-dang book.

At any rate, I commenced to gathering, and I found everything I needed. I even found that checklist of stuff, which was miraculous, because I haven't worked for this company in a year and a half.

The only thing missing? Was the CMOS. And, you know, the CMOS is the style guide we use to proofread these books. It's kind of, oh, I don't know, INDISPENSABLE!

You know how I color coordinated my books last year, and the CMOS is red. I carefully perused each red book. Then I looked over at the orange books.

Shelf Shelf2 These pictures were taken with my old camera last year, and let's pause and appreciate how we do not have to tolerate blurry photos anymore.

Anyway. The stupid book was NOT on the shelf. I started looking in other rooms, in closets, in chests, in the ATTIC. By the time Marvin got home, I was livid.

"Don't even TALK to me," I said, throwing 8,459 music-related things out of a drawer. Cause you guys. Marvin has an illness. Really. He CRAMS every drawer with crap. And carp. Seriously! 

Marvin helped me look, because he knows he makes it difficult to find things, with his stuff-in-every-crevice habit.

And girl, we did not find that ding ding ding and also dang CMOS.

I even called Tank to see if I'd loaned it to him. He seemed to feel just awful that I hadn't.

Finally I said "FINE, then. I am going to Barnes and %$#%& Noble." Marvin went with me. Because what's more fun than traipsing in the rain with your furious wife when she's going to buy a style manual she KNOWS SHE ALREADY HAS?

I stomped in there, and you guys. There was some sort of Wicked convention for children at the Barnes and $^#$% Noble. I am not even making this up. There were easily 45 million children there, half of them dressed like witches, and they were CHANTING in UNISON on a stage. The entire place was packed. And not one person working there could help me find my stupid CMOS, because they were busy with the devil worship or whatever was going on over there.

FINALLY, in the very smallest corner of the store, I found the CMOfrickingS. It was FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!! FIFTY-FIVE! Oh, I was mad. Then we got into the world's longest line, like we were standing to get onto the teacup ride at Disneyland, because EVERY CHILD IN THE CITY OF GREENSBORO was purchasing Wicked-related objects.

I was gonna have a stroke.

After spending every dime I had and saving the bag so I could beg with it tomorrow, we just pulled into our driveway when I said, "Hey. Didn't Tallulah eat the Chicago Manual of Style?"

"Why does that sound familiar?" Marvin asked.

I stampeded to my blog.

Cmos

December 4, 2008. Sighhhh.
 

57 thoughts on “Wicked dog

  1. Just want to let the world know that my husband bought me a freaking Snuggli for my birthday. He was laughing when I opened it. I am so bummed.

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  2. That dog not only needs to compensate you for that book, but for all your valuable time wasted looking for it. What a bitch.
    Seriously, June you are the best proofreader. I, for one, can vouch for the toughness of your occupation. If you hadn’t proofed my work, my head would still be spinning, lost in an abyss of misplaced commas, typos and dangling participles. Alas, everything dangles on me nowadays.

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  3. Giggle, giggle, snort. Heart this post. Made me laugh hard. “…busy with devil worship or whatever was going on over there.” Heart you.
    While I always find you funny, I might be a little extra sensitive today. I got 1.5 hours of sleep. I’m a little punchy!

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  4. Bad puppy.
    You should have marched her up to the B&N store and let the witches have their way with her. That’ll teach her.
    I couldn’t read my Statistics book for a grade, I imagine reading it for money is just as yawntastic…..

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  5. Bad puppy.
    You should have marched her down to the B&N and let the witches have their way with her.
    That’ll teach her.
    I couldn’t read mt Statistics book at all, guess it is more fun if you are getting paid to do it.
    Hulk- I color coordinate my shirts…..

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  6. In my life, the best way to find a missing object? Buy a replacement. The missing object will show up within 24 hours after buying its replacement.
    When we moved here, I needed my middle daughter’s birth certificate to register her in high school. About a week ago, we needed it again. I looked EVERYWHERE for that ding dang thing. Everywhere we keep important papers, everywhere it should have been and a lot of places it shouldn’t have been. Couldn’t find it, needed it quickly, so I ordered a replacement online to the tune of $40.
    I found it the next day. In my purse. In. my. ding. dang. purse.
    I will forever now be refering to Barnes and Noble and Barnes and $^#$% Noble. Because you crack me up.

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  7. I color coordinate my clothes closet, too. I also color coordinate my (and the hubbby’s) socks in their drawer. I also have the same colored hangers in the closets. My girls hangers are all pink. My baby’s hangers are all blue and mine and my hubby’s are all blue and green.
    Yes, I think I might have some OCD. Don’t judge me. Don’t get me started about how I have to count the grapes I put in my kids lunches. I have tried not to but CANNOT stop myself and will even interrupt a conversation so I can concentrate and make sure I get the right numbers of grapes counted out. I see you judging me.

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  8. Chef Tell! Wow, there’s a name from the distant distant distant ( I am old ) past. I still say “dazzh uf zalt und dazzh uf beppuh” when I am seasoning my food and just laugh and laugh while the rest of the room stares at me.

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  9. Perhaps Lula was proffering a suggestion for Mince Words With June. BTW, what is the &@$%* book for the club?
    And wow, Jan. Seek help immediately before you start making your children match their underwear to their outfits, because I swear it took me YEARS to outgrow that particular habit my mother drilled into me. Yes, she checked before we left the house… Oy.

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  10. Perhaps Lula was proffering a suggestion for Mince Words With June. BTW, what is the &@$%* book for the club?
    And wow, Jan. Seek help immediately before you start making your children match their underwear to their outfits, because I swear it took me YEARS to outgrow that particular habit my mother drilled into me. Yes, she checked before we left the house… Oy.

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  11. Perhaps Lula was proffering a suggestion for Mince Words With June. BTW, what is the &@$%* book for the club?
    And wow, Jan. Seek help immediately before you start making your children match their underwear to their outfits, because I swear it took me YEARS to outgrow that particular habit my mother drilled into me. Yes, she checked before we left the house… Oy.

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  12. Won’t it be wicked funny this week if you never have to use the CMOS as a reference?
    Many of my younger employees lately have been using “wicked” as an adjective (“I can’t come to work today since I have a wicked cough”). Is this related to the demonic sightings at the Barnes and freakin Noble thing?

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  13. Before I read that you remembered Tallulah ate your book, I was going to suggest that you take a picture of every blasted room/closet/shelf in your house and post it on your blog. I gaurantee that one of your Faithful/OCD/EagleEye Readers would have located that book by day’s end.
    I could use a little OCD in my life. My drawers are crammed with junk, and my closet would cause you gals to hperventilate.
    Jan,counting grapes? That is too funny!
    Sounds like an exhausting way to live life.
    Organized, but exhausting. No wonder you only got 1.5 hours of sleep. Were you up recounting grapes?!

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  14. Oh, Junie, I laughed myself silly at today’s post. I’m sorry, just couldn’t help myself. Poor Tallulah, she is SO in the doghouse! You do know that you tell a tale of mishaps better than almost anybody, right? 🙂
    If it makes you feel better (or laugh), here’s my cat-ate-my-homework story: The spring after I bought my Little House in the Little Woods, I was gathering up all my house-buying-associated paperwork to take to my accountant and file my taxes. I could NOT find the one most important paper, the deedy one with all the signatures, etc. – the one the IRS wants as proof you really did sign your life away for a house. Finally, I found some shredded pieces of what it used to be. My darling, dear, heart-of-my-heart Taffy Cat (RIP) had pulled it out of a folder filed carefully away on a bookcase, and shredded AND eaten most of it. My accountant STILL laughs about it.
    Jan, I just don’t what to say… counting grapes? Really? Girl, you are the Queen of OCD.

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  15. I dig that your books are (were) color coded. I think all libraries should do it for the wow factor. I did it once at my house and really enjoyed for as long as it lasted.

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  16. I am taking Statistics this semester so I totally feel your pain, one glimpse of the dreaded textbook and I tear right up! By the way, those pictures you are making sure are all there? Yeah. I find them pretty freakin useless. So, thanks.

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  17. My name is LisaPie and I am applying for membership to Jan’s OCD Anonymous group. I can NOT physically walk away from my car unless I have checked, double checked and then TRIPLE checked by hearing the beep when I lock my car. I don’t know why. But I watch people with their “devil may care” flippant tra-lee-tra-la attitudes walking away from their cars without locking, or double checking or anything and I wonder wtf? Don’t they care if someone breaks in and rifles through their stuff and gets their cds all out of order?
    June, I used to work at a printing company and did typesetting, proofreading (never my own stuff) and some collating and binding. I loved, loved, loved it! And do you know? To this day every. single. thing. I read be it a magazine, or a book or pamphlet off the street, whatever. I find typos in them. Every one. Lots of places have just replaced good OCD detail-oriented proofreaders with spell-check, like that’s gonna work!
    And I think it goes without saying that my closet is also color coordinated and my book shelves are organized by subject matter and my music is alphabetized. Y’all know I am a joy to live with, right? 🙂

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  18. Have you tried CMOS online? I had a trial run and am tempted to subscribe for a year. I think it should come free when you buy an actual book. Because the web environment is like the movie – the book is always better.

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  19. Have you tried CMOS online? I had a trial run and am tempted to subscribe for a year. I think it should come free when you buy an actual book. Because the web environment is like the movie – the book is always better.

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  20. Have you tried CMOS online? I had a trial run and am tempted to subscribe for a year. I think it should come free when you buy an actual book. Because the web environment is like the movie – the book is always better.

    Like

  21. Am. Rolling. This is the funniest thing you have written in a while. I can see your eyes rolling back in your head as you wait in line with the 45 million chanting children. I heart you, too.
    Barnes and %$#%& Noble. Indeed.

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  22. You can tell June is upset because she said CMOfrickingS rather than CMOdingdangS.
    Also too, I noticed that heretofore was the wrong word (I think it should have been hereafter) but was so pleased to see it used I didn’t care. That is such a great word.
    I’m sorry to hear about the B & #$@%#N trauma (the witches and the price). May your weekend be better.

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  23. I don’t color-coordinate my books, they’re all shelved according to category because I’m crazy like that, but I noticed I have a couple of the same books you do: Edith Wharton’s The Buccaneers and Weird US. Who knew we’d have that kind of connection?

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  24. Shoot! I could have sent you my copy of CMOfrickingS. It’s just collecting dust over here, along with my other style books. (How much longer can I blame the “current economic climate” for my lack of freelance jobs? I got the CMOS for Christmas from my MIL one year (per my request), and she thought it told you how to be stylish and apply makeup. Seriously.
    Do you ever have to send in estimates for how long it will take you to proof something? That is the worst. I have no idea how long it will take until I get into the job and see what kinds of mistakes they’ve made and how often they’ve made them. Do you think I’ll be out many jobs if I just start estimating that it will take me 394858 hours to proof everything? Yeah, I thought so too.
    Good luck with the book and with your entertaining. In the freelance world, you never have any work until you have a bazillion things to do or until your whole household is sick.

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  25. I have been known to color coordinate not only my children’s underwears with their outfits but my own as well. Mostly I just make sure I know which underpants and socks they are wearing so *in case* one of them goes missing I have a very clear, concise description of what they were wearing. “Ummm.. she had on her blue jeans with the hole in the knee, her brown and pink Aeropostale sweatshirt with the monkey on it, her pink butterfly underpants and her pink socks with brown monkeys on them…” And they coordinate their own socks, etc. I have warped them.
    Just FYI… I am about to take my daughter to the movie. I am dressed in my blue jeans, black shirt, black and white polka dot underpants, black and white polka dot bra and black and white polka dot socks. THAT’S RIGHT! JUDGE ME! And now you all know~ in case I go missing.

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  26. Colors and subject matter? I am depressed. I always thought that a shelf was a Gestalt puzzle and books were supposed to fit in the space available.
    I see grapes the same way: You need to have enough of them on the plate to make a nice Gestalt grapiness.

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  27. People have been making fun of me for years for having my bookshelves organized by color. My husband hates it but doesn’t have the energy to take them all down and reshelve them alphabetically instead.

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  28. June, thank you for the best laugh and distraction since my ding dang hard drive crashed into oblivion yesterday. Maybe Tallulah ate my hard drive, or tried to hump it.

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  29. Oh, Jan. Stop. Now. Life beyond OCD is possible. It’s twelve small steps away…
    I am 47 and a half. Earlier this year, after a particularly distracting day, I walked up the stairs and realized for the first time in my life that I had not made my bed. Making said bed included 4,287 coordinating pillows. It was undone. I shrieked and called my husband to inform him that I was no longer my mother’s daughter.
    He was never more pleased and I haven’t made it since. FREEDOM!

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  30. I totally recommend drunk turkey. It’s the tastiest and most foolproof turkey ever. Buy a turkey that comes with the pop-up thermometer. Rinse turkey and remove the crap from the inside. Shove a bunch of cut up green onions (6 bunches or so) into the cavity of the turkey. Take a plastic turkey cooking bag and put a T. of flour in it and shake it all around. Place turkey in bag, breast side down. Now for the fun part: pour a bottle of sherry in the bag and a bottle of soy sauce. Cook it until the thermometer pops up. It’s the most flavorful turkey ever!

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  31. I was looking at your books and had to tell you that I also have the Secret Language of Birthdays, Linda Goodman’s Love Signs and the Sunset Western Garden book.

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  32. Sorry about the 55$ blow. At least you’re working…money for the holidays. I feel sorry for the poster whose husband bought her a Snuggly…I’d bap him one then get in my Snuggly alone.

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