So, tomorrow I am getting a textbook to proofread, which is wonderful and everything, but of COURSE I am getting a huge, difficult TEXTBOOK on STATISTICS to proofread right before Thanksgiving, in which 394858 of my relatives are coming.
Okay, four. Four of my relatives are coming. Still.
So I have to think about cleaning this house, cooking Thanksgiving dinner–and y'all know I am Chef Tell, over here–and getting a HUGE textbook proofed, all this week.
Oh! And a friend from LA is coming to NC, and she is driving 90 miles to see me on Tuesday. So now I have to clean the house, plan for Thanksgiving dinner, and read a huge, difficult textbook MINUS ONE DAY.
I decided to gather my proofreading supplies so that I can be all ready tomorrow. So maybe I can spend, like, 10 hours working and get ahead of myself.
When I'm proofreading, I need my giant mother dictionary; the Chicago Manual of Style (heretofore known as the CMOS); my pens; a notebook so I can record any anomalies I see; the APA style guide; and my copious checklist that I have, reminding me of everything I need to do when I proofread these books.
(For example? First? I have to look at every.single.page. to make sure the pages are all there. Then I have to look at every.single.page. again to make sure none of the pictures are missing. Then I have to look at every.single.page. again to make sure the chapter headings are correct. And no, you can't do those things all at once. You're liable to miss something.)
Next time you say, "Oh, I love to read! Maybe I could be a proofreader!" please see the above paragraph. Because that's about 10% of what you have to do to proof a ding-dang book.
At any rate, I commenced to gathering, and I found everything I needed. I even found that checklist of stuff, which was miraculous, because I haven't worked for this company in a year and a half.
The only thing missing? Was the CMOS. And, you know, the CMOS is the style guide we use to proofread these books. It's kind of, oh, I don't know, INDISPENSABLE!
You know how I color coordinated my books last year, and the CMOS is red. I carefully perused each red book. Then I looked over at the orange books.
Anyway. The stupid book was NOT on the shelf. I started looking in other rooms, in closets, in chests, in the ATTIC. By the time Marvin got home, I was livid.
"Don't even TALK to me," I said, throwing 8,459 music-related things out of a drawer. Cause you guys. Marvin has an illness. Really. He CRAMS every drawer with crap. And carp. Seriously!
Marvin helped me look, because he knows he makes it difficult to find things, with his stuff-in-every-crevice habit.
And girl, we did not find that ding ding ding and also dang CMOS.
I even called Tank to see if I'd loaned it to him. He seemed to feel just awful that I hadn't.
Finally I said "FINE, then. I am going to Barnes and %$#%& Noble." Marvin went with me. Because what's more fun than traipsing in the rain with your furious wife when she's going to buy a style manual she KNOWS SHE ALREADY HAS?
I stomped in there, and you guys. There was some sort of Wicked convention for children at the Barnes and $^#$% Noble. I am not even making this up. There were easily 45 million children there, half of them dressed like witches, and they were CHANTING in UNISON on a stage. The entire place was packed. And not one person working there could help me find my stupid CMOS, because they were busy with the devil worship or whatever was going on over there.
FINALLY, in the very smallest corner of the store, I found the CMOfrickingS. It was FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!! FIFTY-FIVE! Oh, I was mad. Then we got into the world's longest line, like we were standing to get onto the teacup ride at Disneyland, because EVERY CHILD IN THE CITY OF GREENSBORO was purchasing Wicked-related objects.
I was gonna have a stroke.
After spending every dime I had and saving the bag so I could beg with it tomorrow, we just pulled into our driveway when I said, "Hey. Didn't Tallulah eat the Chicago Manual of Style?"
"Why does that sound familiar?" Marvin asked.
I stampeded to my blog.
December 4, 2008. Sighhhh.