Current Affairs · Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

I think Jessica Simpson is a big fan of wave particle duality

Yesterday was cold, so during our walk I made Tallulah wear her sweater.

Sweatergirl

Talu humiliate.

Actually, she didn't seem to mind. Until we walked past a bunch of other dogs whose parents didn't make them wear sweaters like a bunch of pansies. Normally she jumps and wags her tail and engages with those dogs, but yesterday she just looked the other way, like she was busy contemplating wave particle duality. And who isn't?

Thanks, everybody, for telling me your new year's resolutions yesterday. I still like the person who said she was going to wear more aggressive jewelry. I love unusual resolutions. I also liked the person who was gonna leave the country this year if it slap killed her. I would do the same if I weren't agoraphobic. Which makes it hard to go to Target, much less Fiji.

Okay, I'm really fine at Target. But leaving the country gives me hives.

My new year's resolution? No more celebrity gossip. It's not even necessarily true, and if it is it's none of our business; it rots your brain and crams it up with useless facts when you could be considering wave particle duality.

On my home page? I have not one but THREE celebrity gossip sites. The other day I was perusing that intellectual TMZ? And I can't even remember what celebrity we were discussing, but one of the comments said "He was a guiness." She meant GENIUS. Which is kind of ironic.

Do I really need to be hanging around a crowd that spells "genius" "guiness"? I do not. And I also watch the TMZ show, I am sorry to tell you. And they are honestly baffled, these TMZ-ers, when they stand outside a restaurant or a doctor's office, and the person they are stalking is rude. I mean, they really act like they don't get it. "Our cameramen were so nice to Brad Pitt. They just kept saying what big fans they were, both when he went into the doctor's office and when he came back out."

Okay, you know what would be really nice? If you really cared about Brad Pitt? Which I don't because he's a cheaty cheaterpants from Cheattown? If you really cared, you'd LET HIM LIVE HIS LIFE without your intrusiveness! Are they really that far gone that they can't see this?

So that is why I am done with celebrity gossip for 2010. Which I am going to call "two-thousand AND ten" instead of "twenty-ten" simply because it annoys Faithful Reader Hulk.

I will not renew my Star magazine subscription. I will remove my tawdry sites from my home page and replace them with something deep like BarryGibb.com. (Oh, yes there is.) And I will not watch TMZ on TV.

I will be deep and meaningful.

Tune in January 1 when I discuss wave particle duality.

June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

Shark week

I'm certain you were on pins and needles, but here is my nice floor after cleaning with the Shark steamer:

Henryonfloor

It got so clean it sprouted a kitten! And do you see that little white spot over by the baseboard? That's paint, and who's annoyed with the slobbeldy slob who got paint on my floor before I moved in here? You know I want to sit there and scrape at it, but I have to proofread things today.

Isn't it funny how Henry matches the floor? If he didn't have any white, I'd probably step on him all the time. He's like a little chameleon. Well, really, he'd be a pretty big chameleon.

Also plus, you know how I said I put away all my Christmas decorations the other day?

Decorations
Yeah.

I got those nice plastic bins for storage, and I crammed everything in there, and then I just had to keep ONE tiny cardboard box to shove a few remaining things (no, the candles did not go in the attic. Those are in a Christmas bag in my closet, and will you remind me of that next December?) (Kind of like how you never remind me to blog about the things I ask you to remind me of, but instead just complain in the comments that I never blogged about whatever?).

Do you have any idea how many TIMES since then that I have found more decorations in this house, and had to traipse back up to that cold, low-beams-that-give-me-concussions-attic? First it was the Santa hand towel in the bathroom. That went easily in the cardboard box. THEN it was the holly-edged kitchen towels that were in the laundry. Crap.

Then that DANG gay porn Santa was glowing merrily on my porch; I had forgotten about him. THAT time I had to reopen one of the plastic bins and navigate his O-mouthed self in.

Finally, last night, I found a nightlight sort of thing in the dining room. It's shaped like a Christmas tree, and when you plug it in, sparkles swirl inside the tree–so pretty! Because the Ice Capades called. Want their subtlety back.

So I unplugged that thing, and using every swear word you have ever heard, jammed it into the cardboard box. "Okay," I thought. "That is IT. I will see you next December, boxes."

This morning I found a little Christmas serving plate under another dish.

#&#%#$@$%!

And I'd like to thank my MOTHER, who is practically Mrs. Claus, for all these things. She sends me pre-Christmas gifts of Christmas decorations, and then she goes shopping AFTER Christmas and sends me more Christmas things, and I think she only sends me things because HER house is completely loaded with Christmas stuff and probably my stepfather said he'd strangle her with holly  if she brought in another thing.

Okay, the thought of my calm stepfather threatening to strangle anyone is killing me. But you don't know him so it's not slaying you like it's slaying me.

You know, I did not mean to get off on this tangent. I meant to write about the running club I'm going to join, but I guess I'll have to discuss that pertinent matter tomorrow.

Also I was going to talk about my new year's resolution, but at this point you have peed down your own leg and missed all of your children's graduation ceremonies.

Does anyone have any new year's resolutions? I mean, other than to get away from this particular post? Do tell.

June's stupid life · Marvin

Marvin’s guest post

[As I said yesterday, I really don't remember why Marvin created a
guest post, but here it is. You'll be disappointed to read that it's really
less "Marvin's side of things" and more "Marvin talks about how
funny June is" which, (a), we already knew and (q), not really what you
wanted. But so what? Sometimes life throws us a curve ball. It's not the size
of the waves, it's how you founder and drown. Or something. Okay, here's
Marvin. (Oh, and because Marvin is hard to understand, I feel I should clarify
he lived with his friend Bill for like nine years. Bill eventually married my
stepsister.) Okay. Marvin speaks
:]


Back when I was still single, and common-law married
to a man who eventually became my brother-in-law, I had a string of short-lived
relationships that never seemed to get off the ground.  They would start
off well, and cruise along for a while until I just kind of forgot that I was
supposed to be dating someone, and doing things like remembering to call them
or even bring enough money to the theater to pay for their ticket as well as
my own.

June was the first person to point out the fact that if we were
really in a relationship, I should want to call her just to see how she was
doing.  And that I should want to spend the $700 I won in Las Vegas on our
collective bills, rather than hoarding it all and leaving June to fend for
herself and scrape up her half of the phone bill.  I know this may just
seem like common sense to most of you out there, but I really needed someone to
explain this stuff to me, and I was happy I chose June to be the one to do it.

Anyway, many years later, I found myself working at a computer
company and running my own vanity website for fun and very little profit. 
It started out as a project to learn what happened to everyone in my
kindergarten class, but turned into an obsession that I spent thousands of
hours on, until Facebook came along and stole my idea and June started a blog
that got more hits in a single afternoon than I got in a whole month.
At
some point after we were married, and before every single one of my
ex-girlfriends was linked to me on Facebook (June is a very forgiving woman), I
sent out a survey to all of my exes that stated the following: 


Greetings former girlfriend/date/main squeeze, etc.  First of all, I
hope you are well. Second, I hope you remember who I am! My wife and I were
discussing our past relationships recently, and I had the brilliant idea of
sending out a survey to see how much my former flames remember about me, and also
about the time we spent together. Rest assured, I remember everything about you
.”

Not surprisingly, some people failed to respond at all.  Some
did respond, telling me that I was crazy, and that I really should think about
taking up a hobby.  Nevertheless, some were good sports about this, and I
receive some telling responses to the various questions I posed.  Here are
some examples.

Example 1:

Q: Do you have any
good stories of our time together that you would like to share with our
readers?

A: Not really, sorry. Except for the fooling around, it was mainly pretty
awful. I had NO self-esteem whatsoever, and our relationship managed to
repeatedly destroy what little pride I did have. Your Bar Mitzvah was kind of
fun, though.

Example 2:

QLooking
back, do you think our relationship was balanced? Did one of us put more effort
in than the other? Do you think you had stronger feelings for me than I had for
you? If so, do you think this had an effect on our relationship?

A:  I am sure I put in more effort than you. You unfortunately were the
first of many like that! Let's see: I put in all the effort, you none. How
might have that affected our relationship?

And then there was this:

Q: Was I nice to you? Supportive at least? Did I ever spend any
money on you?

A: My memory is a smidge foggy, but I'd say you were nice to me. Supportive?
Seems like you were.  You believed in me as a singer and did stuff to
encourage that, like play guitar, so I could sing stuff. Money? Yikes, I don't
know. I don't actually remember going on dates, but do remember going to your
apartment to sing songs and hang out. I don't think you spent money on me, did
you?  I also remember having a blue shirt that had velcro instead of
buttons. This is not to say that you took advantage of this fact. I don't think
you did, I'm just remembering that I really liked that shirt…

In any case, June’s was by far the most concise and entertaining
of all the responses I received And I am not saying this because she is now my
wife.  I am saying this because I desperately want to know what it is like
to post something on a blog and receive a response from someone other than my
mother.  Here it is in its entirety.  Read it and weep.

Marvin: What year did we meet? What city were we living in at the
time? What were the circumstances that led to us getting together?

June: We lived in the same dorm all of 1984-85 at Michigan State, and we never
met. I often wonder if we ever passed each other in the cafeteria of that dorm,
me with my new-wave perm, my chocolate pudding and coffee, and we didn't know
we'd end up married. Anyway, we met the very beginning of the 1985 school year.
My roommate brought me over to your unsanitary pink house where you lived with
approximately 47 other guys. You were one of the only people I ever met that I
immediately wanted to date. I liked you all of 1985, but you did not like me
back until May of 1986 when I had grown out said perm a little, and also I was
tan. As a result I assumed you were shallow, which you kind of are. So you finally
called me after seeing me with the aforementioned tan, and we slept together
about 10 minutes later.

Marvin: How many months or years (god forbid) did our relationship
last?

June: Our relationship lasted from May 27th, 1986 until sometime in August of
1986. I just tried to find my diary to get an exact breakup date but cannot
find it. Where the hell is that diary? Then we saw each other again on October
11, 1996 and we are still dating.

Marvin: Was I nice to you? Supportive at least? Did I ever spend any
money on you?

June: Hah! You maybe paid my way into the drive-in that one time. Why didn't I
make you pay for things? God, I was pathetic. You were sort of very nice. You
would say really good things. You could always say the right thing. But then on
the other hand, you would go like four days without calling me, which in dating
time is like 165 weeks. So you were nice and supportive when you were in the
mood to be nice and supportive, which is probably how all 19-year-old boys are.

Marvin: Do you have any good stories of our time together that you
would like to share with our readers?

June: "Our readers." Who's gonna read this? If anyone IS reading
this, you should know Marvin made up this whole survey while at work. Nice.
Anyway, one time your dog humped my leg. That was a good memory. One time we
were on the phone and there was a thunderstorm and we both turned out the
lights so we could enjoy the storm. Aren't you supposed to get off the phone
during a thunderstorm?

Marvin: What were the circumstances behind our inevitable breakup?

June: Oh, that was so sad. For me, anyway.

So, you called me and said you were coming to East Lansing with
all your friends and to meet you there.  I was wearing a huge black and
white short-sleeved men's shirt I got at the thrift shop and black Capri
leggings.

Anyway, you finally got there and stayed for maybe an hour. You
and your friends were driving away and I ran up and asked you to come in for a
minute. I begged you to let your friends drive your fancy Mustang home so that
you could stay with me a while longer. You, of course, would not hear of such a
thing and left.

When you left the room (not before), I threw a beer bottle at the
wall. Somehow this story has been exaggerated and all your friends think I
threw the beer bottle AT you, but I did not.  You heard the beer bottle
crash, paused for a second, then I heard you calmly walk out the door. I knew I
had acted too nutty and you were done with me.

Oh, it was the most awful feeling. I wish I could go in a time
machine to 1986 and tell my weepy self that I would end up marrying you and it
would be okay. I did not wash the black-and-white outfit for months, cause it
had your molecules on it. I was a mess.

Marvin: Do you think you learned anything during our entanglement
that helped you with your future relationships, or was the whole thing a big
waste of your time?

June: I learned you cannot get away with throwing beer bottles for dramatic
effect. Actually, I didn't officially learn that at that time, ‘cause I did
dramatic effect things for years after that (I threw coffee on another
boyfriend once. Oh, it had cream. It wasn't scalding or anything. Calm down).
But it was one of the times that added up to that lesson.

Marvin: Looking back, do you think our relationship was balanced?
Did one of us put more effort in than the other? Do you think you had stronger
feelings for me than I had for you? If so, do you think this had an effect on
our relationship?

June: No. Yes, me. Yes, definitely. Of course it had an effect on our
relationship.

Marvin: What is your present marital status? What are you up to now?
June: I am married to you. Since you last saw me five hours ago I have gotten
up, given the cats a treat, wiped up the crumbs you left on the kitchen counter
(did you make cinnamon toast?) and made coffee. I have mentioned coffee three
times in this survey.

[Well,
there it was. Marvin's guest post. One wonders what Marvin learned from his
little survey. One thing he did NOT learn was to stop leaving crumbs on the
kitchen counter. He also continues to leave his molecules everywhere.
Okay. June out.

Oh.
And yes it IS founder. Look it up.
]

 

 

June's stupid life · Los Angeles · Times I Amused My Own Self · Weblogs

Amber is the color of your energy

I was putting away the Christmas decorations yesterday, and I found this photo in the attic.

Orangeaura

It's one of the nine million aura pictures I had taken through the years, because I know you will be shocked to learn they were easy to come by in LA. This time my aura was orange, like Henry. I know you can't read the words below, but they say, "Orange. Artistic, physical-creative expression, excitement.

That's me. Ms. Excitement. Indiana Junes.

And YES. I took the Christmas decorations down. The tree is in a bag. I used my fancy new plastic containers. Apparently my aura does not say, "Respects the earth." I also took a private jet to club a bunch of baby seals to hang on the fake tree next year. Then I tossed those plastic rings for six-packs into the ocean.

Oh! And speaking of killing everything, be sure to read Serena by Ron Rash this week, as it is our book club book (see Mince Words with June, over there on the right) and we meet January 3. Which is coming right up. Which means I need to buy a new calendar, and I don't know if I can find a calendar that physically and creatively excited me (see what I did there?) like this year's vintage Better Homes & Gardens calendar. Was obsessed with that one.

So, hey. Listen. If I were to, say, sell a Bye Bye, Pie mug, and it read: "I drink from my everyday mug every day," would you get that? Or would you be lost?

Let me know. Faithful Reader Paula from New York who likes Hookers and Blow suggested I have the mug say: "I read Bye Bye, Pie and all I got was this ding-dang mug." Which I also thought was funny.

Faithful Reader Hulk said it should read: "I will never tell you why I quit my job."

What say you?

Oh, and speaking of Faithful Reader Paula, she is our comment of the week. Go, Paula. All that blow makes her funny.

Now that my decorations are put up? Are red up, as my grandmother would say ("Help me red up the dishes"), I am going to clean my wood floors with my NEW STEAM CLEANER. You know the part where I got a little oddly excited about that Better Homes & Gardens calendar? It's nothing compared to the Dennis-Hopper-with-the-oxygen-mask excitement I have about the steam cleaner. DON'T YOU F$%&#*' LOOK AT ME!

Okay. Only funny if you saw Blue Velvet. And if you haven't, for the love of God don't see it. No one needs those images burned in their brain.

All right, I'm off. To steam some floors. See? I got a little thrill just typing that. Maybe my mug could just read: "I read about June getting oddly excited every day."

Oh! P.S. Tomorrow Marvin is guest posting. I do not know why. He just emailed me with, "Here's my guest post." We must have discussed this when I was in another of my blackouts. "I read about June's everyday blackouts every day."

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

The rest of your Christmas good deeds

About a month ago, I suggested everybody who reads this blog sign up to do a good deed. There were so many participants that I started listing your good deeds about a week ago, and here are the rest. Good job, everyone!

 

Every single time I am in line during this month, I have been/will let the person behind me go first. Not quite up there with saving the world, but it does make people happy. Especially at WalMart.

pendy

###

 

I donated to the Blue Cross (British animal charity) and bought 5 bricks to help build a shelter for homeless children in India.

Vicki

###

 

I volunteered to organize the adopt-a-family program at my daughter's all-star cheerleading gym. I coordinated it with an agency in the city, put tags on the Christmas tree, and collected all of the donations. I am so proud of all of the families who participated. Yesterday I was able to deliver toys, clothing, and gift cards for 12 needy families in our area.

Stephanie

###

 

My hubby went up to the nearby convenience store Sunday night and a woman was broken down and needed a jump. He drove home, got the jumper cables and drove back up to jump her off.

Mrs. Oh

###

 

This organization called Compassion [encouraged] us to adopt a Rwandan child — $38 a month. I was given a 7 year old boy. I really enjoyed telling my four kids about the difference we will be making in his life. My 7 year old asked if he could send his bike to him — of course, that opens him up for the new bike he wants for Christmas but still…it was a sweet thought, yes?

Fawn

###

 

My daughter and I baked a bunch of cookies last night, so I put together a Tupperware full of them to take to her school for the teacher's lounge. 

Cristy

###

 

I've been letting people go ahead of me in line at the supermarket as well as letting cars cut in when there's a line. Last night, I went to the hockey rink because my favorite NHL player was donating the hair to make wigs for kids with cancer. After he got his long locks cut, he was available for autographs and photos for a donation to the Leukemia Foundation. I gave double the amount requested and in return, got a photo of myself with George Parros (he's my Barry Gibb).

Kelly

###

 

We adopted a family of 6 through our church instead of buy presents for each other this Christmas. All 15 of us pitched in $1,000 and went shopping together. Picture all of us schlepping carts through the stores and we had to reach a consensus on each gift.

Kelly

###

 

One of the 3rd shift custodians at my office just lost his wife — he has 6 children under the ages of 16. We have organized dinners and I am cooking and delivering dinner to his family on Tuesday. My department is going to chip in and together cover 3 more dinners in January. It's such a small gesture, but will hopefully ease his burden a little.

Bonnie Lou

 

One of the things I do every Christmas is NEVER pass by The Salvation Army kettle without putting something in…requires a lot of planning …as a former banker I NEVER HAVE CASH! Also plus, helped the sweetest old lady unload the front of her electric cart at the Wal-Marts the other day, load it back up and out to her car.

d-lou

 

My son and I went to the local battered women's shelter and choose six gift lists. Most of these kids had to leave their homes without their favorite toys and they only had the toys in the common room to play with. We had the best time shopping. He kept trying to choose the toys that made lots of noise and I kept reminding him that 50 children in the same play room with all those loud toys would drive the adults insane. I picked out the girly stuff and he picked out all the Tonka trucks, riding toys and several ABC singing toys.

Tarva

###

 

A friend and I were dining at one of my favorite pizza places and there was a large party of fifteen little girls with two parents having a birthday party. After they left I noticed the waitress looked a little disappointed and I thought perhaps she had not been tipped. She had done an excellent job waiting on that party as well. A quick conversation with our waiter confirmed it. I emptied the cash out of my wallet (I don't carry a lot so it was about $20) and had our waiter give it to her. She had tears in her eyes, she was so grateful.

Lindy

###

 

I was shopping for Christmas ornaments. Once I got up to the register, the cashier lady was slow as molasses wrapping all the ornaments up. An old lady showed up with one single ornament, and I would have let her go before me except I was already mid-transaction when she showed up. She was waiting for a couple minutes when one of her little old lady friends came by and said that the bus was leaving, (literally, as this was sometimes what my mom said figuratively to me when I was younger and dawdling) and that they needed to go. She sighed and had to abandon her electric guitar glass ornament and go back with her tour/outing group back onto the big coach bus. When the lady was finished with me I quickly had her ring up the guitar and ran it out to the lady on the bus before it left. She was all sorts of confused, and asked what it was for, and I told her to have a Merry Christmas. I got a "Well, bless your heart!" which made *my* day and hopefully I made hers as well.

Katie

###

 

Our local market puts together bags of groceries for $10. They will deliver to needy families (and there is about $25 worth of food in them). I've bought one each week in December and will continue through the end of the month.

Joanie & Spotte the cat in Northern California

###

 

Today, a tattooed, earplugged teenager was blocking the entire lineup. People were honking and mad at him. I rolled down my window and asked if he was okay. He said his car was in a hit and run at Borders and then after being with the police all afternoon, he came with his girlfriend to pick up her little sister at school. They were first in the lineup but now he thought his battery was dead. I didn't have cables but I knew the principal (who is the coolest guy on the planet) would. I texted the principal. He ran right down and we got the traffic moving, the kid's car running, and everyone on their way. The kid turned to me and said, "That is the coolest principal in the world." I guess my good deed is done for the day.

lisa

###

 

I stopped at Walmart and bought some iTunes gift cards and Christmas cards to hold them (I bought the "good" ones, June!). At the airport, I passed them out to all the servicemen I saw and wished them a Merry Christmas.

Dawn in Austin

###

 

My sister called the other night to let me know some of her kids don't have winter coats (she runs an after school program for at-risk youth). So I am packing up a few extra I have around the house and bought a few new ones to send home with her after Christmas. Last year she had a kid who had to wear the same pair of pants and sweater (no coat) to school every day with shoes that didn't fit. We bought him new clothes and shoes to keep at school since his parents would take away the new ones.

Erin on the West Coast

###

 

The girl in front of me at Target couldn't find her card to pay for her stuff, so I insisted that the cashier add my things to the order, and I paid for both of our purchases.

Jenene

###

 

There is a homeless man who sits by the fountain where I work. He is kind and always happy. He loves the water, which is why he hangs out there. I got our department to take a collection for him, so he can have a Christmas too. We love him, you see. He is a part of our lives. And we wanted him to know it.

Kim

###

 

A woman needing free legal services and an order of protection for herself and her son walked into my office at lunchtime. [They're] finding [themselves] homeless ten days before Christmas. We got her squared away with temporary housing for her and her child; animal rescue assistance for her three horses, two goats, various chickens, geese and ducks (better scurry) and one (1) alpaca (but no partridge in a pear tree, alas); and a hearing date in January. Not the sort of thing I'm usually called upon to do, but what the heck. 'Tis the season.

Roxie's Mom

###

 

I popped in to drop off a donation at the local per pound thrift store and discovered that a hotel had renovated and donated their entire stock of towels. I bought all of them (took me two loads in a decently sized SUV), brought them home, washed them because, well, ew… (three bottles of detergent later) and delivered the final folded product to two animal shelters and an SPCA.

Shannon

###

 

Our pastor's 9-year-old son was diagnosed with leukemia 3 months ago. Our pastor's wife is the sweetest most giving person you would ever meet. It occurred to me that she might be having a hard time getting in the spirit this year. So I sent a message to as many ladies as I had contact information for. The goal is to have something in her mailbox or her doorstep every day in December just to let her know we love her, are praying and thinking about her, and while it won't do anything to help their increasing financial burden or make her son well, it will hopefully bring some joy into her heart. At the end of the month we are all pitching in to give her a day at the spa, including someone to care for all 3 of her kids. So all month she is getting little scented candles, chocolates, cards, bath products, and just endless love!

Lee

###

 

I sponsored Christmas for a child in foster care. She is three years old and since I have two boys, and always wanted a girl, I bought her a pink hat and mitten set, a doll with hair, four cute long sleeved t-shirts, and a blanket. I do it every year and I think I enjoy it more than buying for my own family.

Lety

###

 

I played Coffee Claus one day for someone at Starbucks, today I delivered a few new infant toys to the local hospital for babies born around Christmas who may have some problems or whatever, and I am dropping off a package of goodies and a previously used child's power wheelchair to a disabled children's home.

Lynn delivered donations of clothes and shoes today to one place, and will deliver toys and art supplies on Friday elsewhere.

Mary and Lynn

###

 

After my volleyball game tonight we went out to a local establishment. My bill came to $8 and some change. I paid it and then tipped our waitress $5. She tried to give me change and kept asking me if I was sure when I told her no. I know… no big spender… it's not like I tipped her $100 but she appreciated it.

Jan

 

My best friend, after much deliberation, had switched her mother's nursing home to a brand spanking new Alzheimer's care facility. She had been in her new home a month when she somehow got out one night after she'd been put to bed. She wandered out onto the busy road in her confusion and got hit and killed by a car. Last year, my friend, (an only child), lost her father to a brain tumor. My friend called my husband and me, in the middle of the night from the scene of the accident. We rushed to her side and have been helping her though this ever since. I organized a dinner drive for her and her family, with various friends bringing dinner to them every night. I planned and cooked for the very large gathering at her home after the funeral. When she asked me to host the annual ornament exchange and party she has every year, because she didn't want to cancel it, but didn't feel up to having 40 women in her house, I had it at my house. My husband and I have held their hands throughout this whole ordeal and even though it has been a stretch to devote so much time and energy to another in this busy season, it has been my honor to help her through this awful time. It sure beats the 10 bucks I gave the Salvation Army bell ringer, because I had no other change.

Joanne Mannix

###

 

This elderly woman was on the corner with a cane and a sign saying she needed help. I gave her everything that was in my wallet which was awful since I never carry cash. The next day I paid for the car behind me in the Sonic drive through.

[There was] a woman who returned her DVD to the redbox machine and did not wait to see that it was spit back out. I reconfigured it and popped it back in. 

lauren

### 

 

Yesterday, with some friends from church, I helped hand out toys from Toys for Tots and food baskets to needy families in our area. We got to give toys to about 150 or 200 kids and their families, and took pictures of them with Santa. It was pretty great 🙂

Sharone

###

 

The post office near my house has no parking lot. The only parking spaces are a few metered spots and the parking police are very quick to give tickets in that area. Today I put change in every expired meter and in every one that was running low. As I was driving away I saw the parking enforcement car pull up so I'm glad I did that.

I also took the money I was going to spend on myself and donated it to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

Stephanie D.

###

 

A friend who is also a special needs teacher contacted a few of us regarding a family that was truly in need and provided us with a list of essentials and yes, I mean essentials, that the family would appreciate. Purchased my entire list, plus threw in a couple of fun things for the children.

Paula

###

 

I helped a woman with three tiny children get her groceries to and into her car. She was teetering about and having a hard time, and one of the kids was attached to her leg.

Fay

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Food and Drink · Friends · June's stupid life · Marvin

Snuggie is the new Chia Pet

Who thinks he's hilarious that he got me a Snuggie?

Iamtacky
But I am way ahead of myself. Allow me to tell you about our Christmas Eve and Christmas day so far. Because we haven't gotten to the part where we go to the movies, which is in half an hour so I have to stampede through nine thousand pictures.

Notevenamouse
The night before Christmas, not a creature really was stirring, or even shaking, which was good because we abandoned our pets for the night to head out to TinyTown. Where all the action is.

Tinytowntraffic

And I wasn't even being facetious. I tried to take this photo for you of how pretty TinyTown looked all lit up for Christmas, and there were CONSTANTLY cars going up and down the main street, here. Oh, I was irked. Marvin had to kind of laugh at me. Because hi. We moved here from LA. And I'm complaining about the 10 cars in my way.

Tinytowndinner
We had just a beautiful evening at the gracious home of our friends R and J, and yes, we do feel sorry for them for having such short names. Their daughter and brand-new fiance were also in attendance, and two brilliant men who are lifelong friends of R and J. Oh, they were fun to talk to. That's the thing about TinyTown. Everyone there has the gift of gab. Because you have to visit. You can't say, Let's all hop in the car and check out that hot new club. I mean, you could, but the TRAFFIC on the main street…

Asparagusweirdo
I have been married to Marvin for 11 and a half years, and this is the first time I have noticed he eats the bottom of the asparagus. He doesn't like the tops. I could have saved tens of dollars the five times I've cooked asparagus by digging in people's garbage for their asparagus bottoms.

Donttakepicturesatchurch
Who's going to hell taking a photo at church? But I was just so excited to be back at my TinyTown church on Christmas Eve. The music was exceptional, and I saw just everyone. I hobbed and I knobbed.

Merrydogpoo

We didn't get in the car until well after midnight, but as soon as we shut the doors, a terrible odor filled the vehicle. Marvin had stepped in dog poo. I tried to take a festive photo of him scraping the poop in a parking lot, but this is as far as I got before he got cranky about the whole thing.

Reindeerkiller
We went to bed at 2:30, so how delighted was I with Jewish Marvin when he woke me at 8 a.m. screeching, "IT'S CHRISTMAS! IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Tallulah picked out her own gift, weeks ago at PetSmart. I let her go up and down the aisles, then I went back and bought her the thing she had sniffed the hardest. It was a bone with beef on the outside and pork on the inside. Mmmm! This pretty much encapsulates what she did all day.

Catsinthecradle
Do not even know why I got gifts for the cats, as they were way more amused with the boxes and wrapping paper.

Kitten
My stepsister got me this cute shirt. Fortunately, you can see my nice Snuggie on both sides of this stellar photo. I have decided to wear the Snuggie in every photo you see of me for all of 2010.

Whatevergift
Marvin got this…this…oh hell. I have no idea what it is, other than it makes noise and annoys me already. Thanks, mom!

Takemeaway

I got luggage! I no longer have to use the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman flowered satchel I got 15 years ago. Yay. It is three pieces altogether, and yes, they are pink. Have you met me?

Hellokittywhattimeisit
Marvin also got me a Hello Kitty watch. Because I'm 44. And sportin' a Snuggie.

Buddyboring
I remember last year that several commenters were unnaturally interested in what Marvin got for Christmas, and I didn't mention it because, hello, boring. Here is what Marvin gets every year: (1) CDs of bands you've never heard of (2) DVDs of bands you've never heard of (3) DVD/CD combos of either bands you've never heard of or musicians you cannot believe Marvin could learn anything new about, such as our good friend Buddy Holly above, who even I already know better than this mother knew him. Oh, and (E) musical instruments that annoy me.

Sweet

For ages now, I have begged for earphones for my iPod that actually, you know, FIT in my ear. Either I have defective ear holes or they make those earphones for Tinkerbell. So. Got some. Can't wait to cram them in my ear and jam out to some Bee Gees. I know you envy me.

Auntmarymasterofsuspense
My Aunt Mary likes to send you all kinds of gifts within the gift, such as this pretty little bag. Always look inside every nook and cranny of Aunt Mary gifts, because she'll stick 'em just anywhere. She is master of suspense, that Aunt Mary. She is Alfred Hitchchristmas.

Pretty
See? Inside the bag were the pretty pretty earrings. Yes, everybody knows to send pink. Again, hi. Met me?

Dinner
Finally, it was time to eat apparently very shiny food, which was delicious.

Winniedinner
Does anyone remember Thanksgiving, when Henry sat on my lap through dinner? This time it was Winston, who it turns out? Is kind of fond of the salmon. And crap. I am not wearing the Snuggie and have already ruined my plan. Oh, but it's not 2010 yet. Cool. I took this picture myself, hence the part where it SUCKS, but still. At least you get the gist.

Alfalfa

As I type this, Marvin is finally showering so we can go to the movies, and it is crucial that I show you his pretty hair during Christmas dinner. Apparently there was a shark in there or something. Must have been attracted to the salmon.

Okay, then! Merry Christmas, everybody! Hope you are as lovely as we are, and also as laden down with gifts and food.

XOXO,

June

Food and Drink · Friends · June's stupid life

No room at the inn or at the grocery store

Henry is looking out the window again, chittering his teefs at birds.

Chitter 

He is truly unconcerned with the shape of my blinds. Which is fine because I CANNOT WAIT to get a cute curtain there. Do you think Santa brought me a cute curtain? Aaaannnnd cue the part where my mother leaps off her roof, because she just spent the last two months asking me what I wanted for Christmas and I never mentioned the blind.

I tried to take a picture of the birds at the bird feeder, but of course as soon as my camera lens clicked on the window, they all flew off. They're high-strung that way. And it's a shame, because there was a cardinal and also Mrs. Cardinal, who is stuck being mostly brown through life while her husband gets to be all red and handsome and earn more money.

My soldier made fun of me for writing to him about my birds at the bird feeder. Hey, I had to write him once a week; pretty soon you start writing about the trivial things.

You knew I had a soldier, right? I'm pretty sure I mentioned him. I volunteered with this organization to write once a week and send a care package (read: Maxim magazine) every month. I am pleased to announce that Eddie, my personal soldier, is done being in Iraq and is home. Well, home-ish. Last I heard he was in Germany and all I can see on his Facebook page is an unbelievably cute message from his Nana which is about to kill me. She even signed it. "Love, Nana." I want to pinch her cheeks.

At any rate, fortunately I was assigned a soldier who had a sense of humor, so he found me funny and not berserk. And he'd write me back and ask when I turned 80, with the entire letter about what kind of birds were at my feeder. And you should have HEARD the guffaws when I took up knitting.

Speaking of being old, I went to my fancy tea yesterday with The Other June.

Ohenry
There's a hoity-toity hotel in town, called the O'Henry. It is not named after my cat. They have afternoon tea. With clotted cream. If you told me there was an all-afternoon vomit, jazz, and inappropriate apostrophe fest that also had clotted cream, I would still attend for the clotted cream.

Every single person at the tea was female. Do men hate tea? I know Barry Gibb drinks tea. Why so tea-shy, men?

China
They serve you with unmatched china, which I think is adorable. Also too, what are those little peppercorn-looking red berry things called? I used to work for a flower company and I had to proofread flower recipes, and we used those red things in every winter bouquet and now for the life of me I cannot think what they're called and I'm irritated with my own self.

Usedtobefood

Yeah. So. I meant to photograph all the pretty food when it came, but I forgot until just two lonely cookies were left. Don't worry, they got eaten, too.

Puttingonairs

See, you CAN take me anywhere.

At any rate, I am off to (gasp) go to the grocery store. I have no choice. We are having salmon tomorrow and you have to get it pretty close to when you're gonna eat it. I know the store is going to be a nightmare. Shut up.

This evening we are going to TinyTown, to have dinner with some friends and then go to the midnight mass, which starts at 10:30. What can I tell you? Midnight mass sounds better than 10:30 mass.

It is my guess that 32 people will read me today and tomorrow, but I said that last year and people read this dumb blog, so what do I know?

Merry Christmas, everyone who celebrates it! And if you don't, will you stay out of my grocery store today? It's gonna be bad enough. Thanks.

Food and Drink · June's stupid life · Marvin

The one where June makes fun of her groceries

Yesterday, I was supposed to receive a statistics textbook to proofread, which may lead to you wonder, HOW MANY EFFING STATISTICS TEXTBOOKS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD? And why do they all need proofreading? And I cannot answer those questions. All I can say is I’m not complaining.

About that, anyway. I would like to complain about the part where we’re on day one of Marvin Being Home for His Break and it’s already annoying. Twice I have tried to start this post and twice he has come in here to tell me important things, like his dream from last night and also to reiterate that normally at this time, he wouldn’t be here.

At any rate, I did not receive said book, and I kept thinking oh, the poor ***FedEx*** man must be busy, I’ll give it awhile and next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and also it was 9 p.m. and no book. So I must remember to alert Los Angeles, yes, the whole city, that my book did not arrive. But the woman I work with in LA does not get in until noon because hi, it’s LA, man, far out, and noon is 3:00 in the afternoon for me, and at 3:00 in the afternoon today I will be at a fancy tea with my friend the Other June.

So needless to say, I didn’t have any work to do yesterday. Sadly, I went to the outdoor MALL here, and that was a stellar idea. Because no one else decided to go there. Yeesch. And it’s not only an outdoor mall, it’s a HUGE outdoor mall, and inexplicably it’s divided into two parts. So people are forever telling you if a store is in the “old part” or the “new part.” I am not using air quotes. People really call it the old part and the new part and you are somehow supposed to know which part is old. And vice versa. Don’t you hate it when people say vicey-versa? And ying-yang? It’s YIN, folks, yin.

The old and new parts along with the yin and yang are divided by probably half a mile and several streets, so you have to drive from one to the other, which is why that entire area is clogged and berserk, and they have men in the street with orange jackets and whistles to direct traffic.

Naturally, I had to go to both parts, because life is ridiculous, and I was stuck in one of those situations where someone is backing up, someone is coming at you, and someone else has pulled up on your left and you just want to get your machine gun and knock everyone off. Is the FBI going to arrest me for saying that?

So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.

Everything is sad, honey, as my grandmother would say.

After that delightful and relaxing time, I came home and organized my food cupboards. I know. The fun never stops. And what I discovered was that we have 17,000 of everything.

GotanyvanillaI bake something maybe once every two years. Apparently, each time I decide we couldn’t possibly have any vanilla and I have to get more. I wonder what led me to spend the big bucks on the Spice Islands that one time?

Areweinitaly That no-carb diet is going great. Hey, pick up some thin spaghetti while you’re out.

Greenteaisgoodforyou

You know how they say green tea is so good for you? I should just call that Edward vampire, because he’ll be the only friend I’ll have left when I’m still vibrant in 80 years. 

Ohnooregano

No, I’m sorry, I can’t lend you any oregano. I need it for my 79 boxes of thin spaghetti.

You’ll be relieved to hear I rearranged my spice cupboard and wrote a list of what spices we have, in alpha order, because apparently I have become not only a hoarder but also Monica on Friends.

Oh, but one last thing.

Sidviciouscookies

Marilyn Manson called. Wondered if we were decorating cookies together again this year.

June's stupid life · Los Angeles

Carlos V

I was lying in bed last night with yet another migraine and somehow the story of Carlos V popped into my rather hurty head and I do not know why. But now I will tell it to all of you and your head can hurt.

Morehenrylessmug

(By the way, I ran out of original Christmas coffee mugs to show you. Today is Marvin's last day of school for the year, so maybe some kid will bring us a new one. We got a really super cool polka-dot throw from someone at his school yesterday and I'm a little unnaturally excited by it. But it's so fun! And soft! And blankety!)

Anyway, Carlos V.

For most of our time in Los Angeles, Marvin and I lived in Silverlake, which was a really cool neighborhood where men wore skirts and women had leopard spots in their hair and sometimes you'd see one person with a steel bar around their neck with a chain that connected to the other person's nose. We loved living there.

In the last two years, however, we were forced to move to Burbank, because we had drama at our apartment and we could no longer afford our now-super-trendy neighborhood.

Burbank is five miles from Silverlake, and also 9,000 miles. It is totally white bread, with clean, safe, tidy neighborhoods, and oh I hated it at first. The one good part was that we had tons of kids trick-or-treating at Halloween. As you can imagine, our old neighborhood was not teeming with kids.

My first Halloween in Burbank, I ran out of candy. And as you know, my kitchen is not a place where you can go fake a treat. "Here, kid. It's a Lean Cuisine! Just three minutes in the microwave and you get two vegetable servings!"

I will never forget the forlorn look on the little girl's face who was climbing my porch that night. "Honey, I just ran out of candy. I'm running to R. Please come back."

R was the convenience store on the end of our block. All the other letters on their sign had faded except the R, and we had no idea what it was really called.

R was a ludicrous convenience store. Despite Burbank being so white bread, it was still Los Angeles, so it was still more ethnically diverse than, say, Appleton Wisconsin. I mean, our neighbors on one side were from the Philippines, and the neighbors on the other side were from Laos. They had two beautiful German shepherds, the Laotians did, named Queenie and Haaanh-Haa. Okay, the second one's name was not really Haaaanh-Haa, or maybe it was. We'd hear them calling those dogs (they had been imported from Germany. Did I mention they were beautiful?) in the back yard and it sounded like, "Queenie! Haaanh-Haaaa!" We could NOT figure out what they were saying for the second one.

Sometimes we'd make up names for the second one when we heard them call. "Queenie! Half-shelf!" we'd say, or "Queenie! Hat rack!" No idea what that second dog's name was.

So, the owner of R had, you know, stuff you'd expect to see there, like soda and mayonnaise and Kotex, and then there'd be those saint candles to cater to his Hispanic crowd, Asian groceries, Indian groceries, do rags, and even those picks for your hair where the handle is actually shaped like a fist. When is the last time you've seen one of those? Did this guy go to the set of Room 222 for those picks?

There was also, at R, a fine selection of foreign pornography, which I bought often because I thought they made highLARious hostess gifts. And do you know every time I bought, say, Polish Playboy, the owner was visibly disgusted with me? Look, bub, YOU'RE the one who has supplied me with Latvian Girls Gone Wild. Why blame ME for purchasing your wares?

This story is never-ending. I hope you had nowhere to go today.

So it's Halloween, I DASH to the corner to R, and he has no bags of Halloween candy. Sure, you've got 18 copies of PentCasa, but no Halloween candy.

He did, however, have for 25 cents apiece, these small candy bars called Carlos V. They had a picture of a king on them, who I imagine was old Carlos. The fifth. I bought as many of them as I could.

Carlos
When I returned to the house, Marvin was appalled. "What is this weird candy you've bought for the children? Where was this even MADE?" But I tell you what, one of the kids actually said, "Ooo! Carlos V!" He must have lived somewhere near R.

The point is, Marvin was obsessed with Carlos V, and every once in awhile he'd tape a wrapper of Carlos V somewhere for me to find: inside a cupboard, say, or on the medicine cabinet.

Months later, I was applying for a job where I insisted I knew how to create websites, and thank all that is holy they never called me, because you all know how it gets around here when you ask me to make a button. Marvin, who has his own website and no you may not look at it because it has our real names, got on said website to show me how to make headlines and such.

He removed his regular headline for one of his pages and showed me how by creating a new head which read, "June eats Carlos V's arse all day."

The only funny part about this story is, like, FIVE months later, his best friend called Marvin to ask why his website's header was "June eats Carlos V's arse all day." We had forgotten to remove said head.

Really, that was the longest story ever. And such a rewarding ending!

I am totally gonna do a Carlos V giveaway.

June's stupid life · My pets · Proofreading/Copy editing · Web/Tech

June, who looks a little like Dame Edna, sends her holiday regards

 Mcmdameedna

Nothing says happy holidays like an orange "please rescue our pets other than that black-and-white-one in the back room" sticker.

I'm in the middle of proofreading a deposition, and all I can think of is all of you who took my survey the other day, who said, "I get so sad when I look and a new post isn't there."

So here I am, BLOGGING when I should be working.

Oh, and speaking of that survey? A lot of people said, "I hate it when you miss a day."

I have not missed a day of blogging since November of 2008. And even then it was just one day. There were a couple posts I have eventually taken down, but I do post daily. So keep checking back if you don't see a new post that day.

I have to finish my work, which I would DO if you all didn't make me feel GUILTY that I haven't POSTED yet, and then I have to get a few gifts today, so I took Tallulah to dog day care. Here is the link to her webcam. They have fancy new cameras there now, but I can NEVER get them to work. Maybe you can, Miss Bigbucks, with your highfalutin' computer. Here's the fancy link.

When I told Talu she was going to daycare today, she immediately started trembling with excitement. Who loves her the daycare? As soon as she can see it from the car, she leans across the dashboard so at least her snout will be there a few seconds sooner.

It's so quiet here when it's just cats. The only sound is the bell on Henry's collar, which I wish I could figure out how to remove, because I don't care HOW many angels get their wings, it's irritating.

Oh, and also? I have a question which has nothing to do with bells on a collar. Where's a good place to get big Rubbermaid-ish tubs to store my holiday finery? I've been using cardboard boxes and they aren't weatherproof–news flash. Anyone? Bueller?

Also also, does anyone have a good chocolate-chip cookie recipe? I know I could just buy the tube of them, but I'd prefer my cookies without chemicals in them. Thank you.

Okay, I'm going back to work. Are y'all not working this week? Are you working till the 24th? Marvin used to work for a place that never closed (I refuse to say "24/7." I hate that phrase) and he was scheduled to work Christmas day SEVEN CHRISTMASES IN A ROW. They never rotated the schedule. Sometimes he'd switch with people, but I remember spending a few Christmases without his white arse. Sucks. Does anyone have to work on Christmas? Wouldn't it be cool if Mrs. Claus read this blog? She could complain about how tired her spouse is every Christmas.

Okay, really going back to work now.

P.S. I'm back. Am going to be fired. My friend just sent me this photo of Marvin and me from 1812. Could we look any younger?!

Wewereyoung

Friends · June's stupid life · Marvin

Lesbian Blitzen (This title is only funny if you read the comments regularly. I’m telling you, read the dang comments.)

Your faithful blogger June has just returned, and I mean just, as in I still have my coat on. But perhaps that's because Marvin insists on turning off the heat altogether when we leave the house, and it kind of kills me that he's so cheap about heat, when he continues to leave every light on like he's Thomas Kinkade.

I guess I never finished my thought above, did I? I just returned from TinyTown, is what I meant to say, where Marvin and I went as a surprise since we used to live there and all, because it was Dr. Whit's 80th birthday, and they had a throwdown in the church hall, there, and we were invited.

I used to work at the church when I lived in TinyTown. They were very nice to my heathen self.

Dr. Whit delivered 2,000 of TinyTown's children in his years as the town doctor, which is saying something because TinyTown only has 3,000 people. Plus also, Dr. Whit is a fine musician, which is why he took a shine to Marvin and me. Particularly me, because you know how I bring it on home on my autoharp. Okay, Marvin. He took a shine to Marvin, he was just kind of peripherally stuck with me.

If you read this blog back when I lived in TinyTown, you already know that coffee hour after the church service was something to behold. Well let me tell you what. Coffee hour after the church service when it's Dr. Whit's birthday? Mother of pearl. I look like Violet Beauregard after she's chewed the gum and turned into a blueberry.

There were meatballs, there were ham biscuits, there were little teeny sandwiches with crab in them, there were croissants with chicken salad, there was FRIED chicken, there were big giant Fritos and some kind of orange-colored dip for said Fritos, there were two big trays of fruit and a plate of chocolate-covered cookies and some coconut-ish cookies and also the good doctor's birthday cake.

Then Marvin reminded me we were vegetarians, which annoyed me. But I managed to stuff myself nevertheless.

I forgot to being my camera to said event, because the weather here was atrocious still, so we had to leave early. I said to Marvin, "We really have to go, come ON" because of course he was doing the thing where he clomped around the house doing God knows what, and every time he'd head to the door he'd turn back around again and go back into the house, once again making me desperately wish I could hire Cleopatra to stand there with her asp so he'd be afraid to head in that direction.

Once we were on the road, Marvin announced he was hungry, and I pointed out that (a) he'd been awake three hours, why hadn't he addressed this issue previously and (4) there'd be food at coffee hour.

No, Marvin insisted, he couldn't wait that long, so he pulled into a McDonald's. And he ordered his food to eat INSIDE the restaurant. "Marvin, we have to GO," I said, exasperated. "We're two minutes from TinyTown," he said, removing the ham from his Egg McMuffin. "Just calm down."

Church starts at 11:00. At 10:50, we were still on the road. "Are we almost there?" I asked, because believe me, it all looks the same till you get to TinyTown. Two-lane road, fields, an occasional house, another field.

"We're nowhere NEAR TinyTown," Marvin said.

….!

Oh, I was mad.

"What do you MEAN we're nowhere near TinyTown?"

"I thought we'd get there on time, but I guess we're not."

Honestly, he's lucky no one left a pitchfork out in any of their fields. I'd have poked one prong in each eye and strung him up a flagpole. Oh, I was IRRITATED.

We got there at five after, and of course church had started, and of course it's a tiny old church with huge doors that make an enormous sound when you open them, so naturally God and everyone stopped in their tracks to stare at us when we walked in.

But after that humiliation, it was fun. It was so good to see my TinyTown peeps. And I know you enjoy me for saying "peeps." I asked Dr. Whit which of his 80 birthdays was his best one, and he said this one. He was 80, he was still here and healthy, he'd golfed a 44 this week, all his grandkids were in the room and he had cake.

It's a shame Marvin won't be around for his 80th birthday. His eyeballs are so headed for a pitchfork before then.

June's stupid life

Snow point in reading this one

Before I begin with this extremely important post, I'd like to thank everyone who answered my highly scientific survey. It was fun to hear from everyone. I particularly like the stories where someone says "My [insert name of loved one here] told me to read you, so I did." I had no idea so many people were named Insert Name of Loved One Here. It'd be hard to call those people in for dinner.

Second, my Christmas-themed mug of the day also coincides with my theme of the atmosphere.

Wintercoffee

It snowed! And it iced! It's treacherous! Yay!

Those flakes on my mug? They're real. Really that mug is just cream-colored, and that's how big the snowflakes are in front of it.

I did have plans to get my hair colored today, because the snow has apparently hit my roots and stayed there, but my hairdresser called at 8:36 a.m. to see if I was coming in. I told her I could but that my hair was not as important as her life, and if she couldn't get in I could reschedule. Okay, I totally lied. My hair is WAY more important than her life, but it seemed like the nice thing to say.

FrontyardView from my front door. I know if you live somewhere with weather you're all, "That's IT?"

We also have plans tomorrow, plans I have been looking forward to for over a month, and said plans are 90 miles away. I don't know if we can get there or not. The snow part isn't that scary, but the part where it was raining not men but ice all night? Yeah.

In Michigan, every road would be clear now and covered in delightful-for-the-environment salt. During storms, we all go to the road with giant pretzels and crudites and just dip 'em in the street. It's a Michigan tradition. However, the roads here are exactly the way they were last night, and everyone is flapping their manicured hands and patting at themselves with magnolia leaves, totally getting the vapors over what to do to the roads.

And then they go in and make barbecue.

Sometimes I miss the hearty no-nonsense Midwest.

But guess who is delighted about this tundra?

Heartsnowmom
I know this is out of focus, but it's the only one I took where any part of her body is still in the frame. She is TEARING around the back yard like a madwoman. She's part Tibetan spaniel, you know. It snows a lot in Tibet.

We took her for a walk last night, as this storm was coming down. I finished my statistics book and wanted to get it in the FedEx (mention number 38747383) (you know what I'm gonna do? Every time I say "FedEx" I am gonna put it in exciting font, so it really stands out. I'm telling you, ANY DAY NOW, big money. BIIIIIG FedEx money) –let's just start this paragraph over.

See, I was EARLY getting my book back, and I was excited about beating my deadline, but the roads were bad so I decided to walk two or three blocks to the FedEx box and walk the dog at the same time, and the point of this stupid story is that Tallulah pulled like a banshee (not that they are famous for pulling, really) the whole way there, and when I got to the box it said, "Mail has already been picked up due to weather."

And there were a few magnolia leaves scattered near the box.

Coldbirdbutz

The birds are saying, "Where we sit? Buttz chilly."

Okay, I'd better go. The comment of the week is more the conversation of the week, because many of the commenters got all up in this gay porn Santa topic, and just go click on This Week's Special if you want to taint your image of Santa forever.

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life · Weblogs

If sleigh bells were ringing, really, how could you NOT listen?

Ooo, we're supposed to get a big storm today or tomorrow! I'm so upcited! It never snows here, you know. This is my third winter here and it'll be the third time it's snowed. I have nowhere to go except to the FedEx box (pay UP already, FedEx) to drop off yet another book back to the publisher, and I can walk to said box if the roads are really that bad. Give me a good excuse to made hot chocolate when I return.

I can make real hot chocolate. It's one of the only cooking-related things I know how to do. Because, you know, all you have to do is heat milk then dump a bunch of crap in there.

Should I start a cooking blog? I am so good at describing my process.

Do you know what I hate? "Nosh." That word gives me the willies.

But that is not why we are gathered here today. Remember earlier this week I said I wanted to have a little survey? Let's have one now! I know, right?!

Oh, but wait. Because I want to poke everyone's eyeballs out who can't see the FedEx arrow, I'm gonna point it out to you.

Smellthelogo I have circled it. If anyone says they still can't see it I will personally come to your house and scrub your eyeball region with kosher salt.

June's blog. Where you come for the Christmas spirit. 

I used the spraypaint-can feature in Paint. Didn't I do a lovely job? I'd have made a great gang member, spraying my graffiti. All the rival gangs would be all, "Wait. WHO owns this corner? Can you even read that? My fellow gang member?" I have no idea how gang members address each other. Don't they all have scary nicknames like Spidey and The Situation?

Okay, here's our survey. Spidey. Please answer. I will not judge you for typos or grammatical errors. Thank you.

1. How did you find this stupid blog?

2. Do you find it overwhelming that I post every day?

3. What would you change? About this blog, not about the world. Are you sick of hearing about my cats? Marvin? You want MORE cat photos? Tell all.

4. How long have you been reading?

That is all. Four beautiful questions. Well, seven, kind of.
I have no idea if your replies will change anything, but if I hear 800, "Oh my shattered potato, shut UP about Henry!" you know, maybe it'll have an effect.

Word up. June Gang 4ever!

Family · Friends · June's stupid life · My pets

The Pied Piper of Stroms

Today we are drinking from the head of a penguin.

PenguinHenry disturbed. Mom drink from bird head.

So, I lived through my dentist appointment, but just barely. I’m unsure if they don’t numb me enough there, or if they don’t crank the nitrous enough, but I am way more aware of what’s going on than I used to be at Dr. Beiber’s office in LA.

Anyway, I’m filled. And yes, it’s porcelain.

My day, however, was the worst of times and it was the best of times. Because that beleaguered UPS man returned to my door yesterday–he hates me–and brought me this:

Stroms

It’s from one of my oldest friends, who has a v.v. important job and two children and a husband and a commute, and how she remembered that chocolate-covered strawberries are my favorite thing is beyond me. And do you think I sat down and ate them all? Without sharing with Marvin? You would be correct. June gets very selfish when it comes to her stroms.

Marvin calls strawberries “stroms” and I have no clue why. It’s like how he says “dirty, grandma” when something is dirty, and he only does it because that’s what I say. Heaven knows why he has ANY word for strawberries, seeing as I eat them all before he knows they’re in the house.

The package came wrapped in a ribbon, which naturally I tried to tie to Tallulah’s head, and man did she enjoy me and my ribbon.

Hatemom Lula not Darla in Little Rascal. Pleeze remove.

Did I ever tell you about when my grandmother took me strawberry picking? I was probably 10 or 11, and oh, was I a pleasure to go with. I was AGHAST at how early we had to go, and then I kept singing, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” during the picking portion, like I was some kind of field hand. (I saw Gone With the Wind for the first time when I was 10, so I was probably feeling Suellen and Careen out there getting their hands unladylike.)

I kvetched and moaned and carried on, and finally we were done. We took our stroms up to the tent at the front of the field. Grammy got her wallet out.

“What are you doing?” I asked her, incredulous.

“Well, I’m paying,” she said, probably desperately wishing my father had never met my mother and created the likes of me.

“They don’t pay US!?” I was PISSED. I guess I thought we were trying to earn a few extra dollars for some reason.

I have always been a cheerful and diligent worker.

When my father was young, a donut truck used to drive around the neighborhood selling fresh donuts, which hi. Why did all the good stuff happen before I was born? Anyway, my father used to pay my aunt to walk into the front yard and buy the donuts for him. It was too much effort for his 9-year-old self to WALK INTO HIS OWN FRONT YARD.

And then he’d never share even one donut with my poor Aunt Mary.

I have no idea how I got on this tangent.

Oh, there was one more thing I wanted to show you before I commence another exciting day in Life of June. Remember how I said I was so not the alpha?

Otherwomansabitch
Here is the scandalous scene I encountered when trying to get into bed the other night. And do you think she felt bad and scurried away? I had to LIFT her ludicrous self and place her at the foot of the bed.

When I first stole Tallulah I called my friend Ken, who we call the Pied Piper of dogs. In retrospect, now what I know from dogs, all of Ken’s dogs have been Labs, and come on. How hard are THEY to train? Somebody bring Ken a Tibetan spaniel/Am-Staff/Beagle mix and see how he does. At any rate, I asked him to just tell me ONE THING, the most IMPORTANT THING he could think of, for raising a good dog.

“Never, ever let them on the bed,” he said.

Yeah.

Friends · Health · June's stupid life · My pets

Ode to Joy. I love that furniture polish.

Just because I didn’t show you a picture of yesterday’s Christmas mug doesn’t mean I didn’t TAKE a picture of yesterday’s coffee mug.

Fyourcoffee Francis despise you. And your caffeine addiction.

Henry was obsessively fetching his magenta mouse, as per usual, and also, what looks better with a red mug than an enormous old cranky black and white cat? Whose team most of you are on, may I add.


I also, lucky you, took a photo of today’s mug.


Blurcoffee Okay, so Henry was obsessively fetching his mouse again. I tried for an action shot. Sue me.


Oh! In other really important news, remember the other day when I photographed my front porch (and no, I don’t mean my chestal region)? I was disturbed by our autumnal welcome mat. It contained an owl saying, “Whoooooo’s there?” Marvin picked it out. What can I tell you. So I went to Target and spent $8 that I shouldn’t have on a Christmassy one.


Joytothemat


Joy to the world! June has a mat. Place.your.FedEx.box.here! Let every preeeesent, be forrrr meeee.


Okay, I’ll stop.


Oh! But no I won’t. Because I also wanted to show you the disturbing Santa light cover my mother got me last year.


Santaseverywhere

You put this over your porch light? And his face lights up maniacally, scaring little children and ruining their holiday. Yay!


I guess that’s all I have to tell you about Christmas in my house thus far. Today I have to have a filling replaced, so it has cast a pall over everything else. Do you do that? Do you spend your whole day dreading the dentist and being unable to enjoy anything, because you know later you will be having your face drilled? Perhaps it’s not the best way to deal with it, but it’s what I do.


Yesterday I went to a lunch at a friend’s house, and it was a delightful lunch that included lasagna, and who isn’t delighted to get lasagna? Anyway, I noticed she wasn’t eating, and she said she’d been at the dentist all morning getting a crown.


Okay.


There is no way I could throw a lunch party for six or seven people the day I was also getting a crown. I’d be on Valium or Xanax or something, (a), and (12), I’d have to go home and go to bed and decompress after. I do not understand it when people can just charge through life in a strong manner.


I will not be taking a Xanax for the filling replacement, by the way. I figure I can be tough through this one. But my next crown? Valley of the Dolls.


Okay, then. Everyone have a delightful day. Don’t worry about me. And my MOUTH SURGERY. Or anything.


P.S. I forgot I was gonna show you the Christmas presents I sent to my mother. I am really bad at wrapping gifts, but what I lack in talent I made up for in glitter and gaudiness. I will abstain from Liberace jokes at this juncture.


Pretty I wish my brother George were here.

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

June posts your good deeds. A task that took her three hours. But this is not about June…

This post is so huge I'm not even gonna show you Christmas coffee mug of the day. I know, right!? But I gathered all your holiday good deeds and listed them here, which might even be better than looking at my mug. I hope I didn't leave anyone out. You guys rock. I have the best readers in the world. Keep those good deeds coming!!

I spent a bit of time over the last day and a half organizing people to buy gifts for children in the care of the Department of Child and Family Services here in MA. A friend of ours works for the post office and he asks us each year to help find people to buy gifts for this program. Overall the post office finds gifts for almost 1,000 kids.

We are getting gifts for 5 children ourselves.

Just bought two midwife kits at International Medical Corps for us after watching Oprah today. Seriously, I don't know about you, but I'm terrified of childbirth — these chicks deserve all the help they can get!

There was a homeless guy with his homeless dog outside of Petsmart. When we finished shopping I took a rawhide bone out of the sack and a fiver out of my wallet and drove over to the homeless man I asked the man if his dog could have a raw hide and he told me yes, that would be nice. Then I gave the man the $5 and told him to go get him some coffee and a burger. He told me he was okay and didn't need anything but I could tell he wanted to take it. I told him to go get him a cup of coffee and buy his dog a burger. He laughed and took the money.

Today when I went to the gas station to purchase gas I noticed that there was a very stressed young mom out with three little ones in an older minivan pumping gas. When I went in to pay for my gas I asked the attendant if she had paid at the pump and he said no, so I gave him $15 to go towards her gas and asked him to tell her Merry Christmas.

I saw what appeared to be a granddad, pushing a stroller, with a kid asleep in it, with a jug of milk strategically balanced on the top. He was walking by, looking at all the full lanes, shaking his head, & moving on. I had to yell "sir" a couple of times, but got his attention & told him to please go ahead of me. He was quite appreciative. As I was smiling smugly to myself (because, you know, pride comes before a fall), I saw the bottom of his stroller. CRAMMED FULL OF AS MUCH STUFF AS I HAD IN MY WHOLE CART. Sigh. It still counts, though, right?!

I held the door open for 5 random people today. All of whom were older than me/strangers.

Old lady at the store, she wanted something off the top shelf, I'm 6'5", so easy, asked if she needed any light bulbs changed, she declined.

I let a girl sing when my band performed Tuesday night. Because I remember always wishing that I could get up and sing with a band before I was actually in a band, but most bands are not willing to let an audience member mess with their stuff.

I held the door open for some people today, and I tried to be super cheerful for my cashiers and bus drivers, so that's a start.

Today I purchased a bunch of shampoo, conditioner, soap, socks for a little girl, hard-cover books for a 1st grade girl, and a set of spelling/letter flash cards for a three-year-old. This is something we do here at work where we adopt a family for the holidays.

Does it count as a good deed if, when you're walking the dog just before you leave for work and don't have a dog poop bag because he just pooped ONE HOUR AGO and I…I mean someone… didn't think he would poop again so quickly, and no one else saw the dog poop so you coulda just left the poop there…. If you go back home, come back with a poop bag and pick the poop up 15 minutes later, is that a "good deed"? Because I could do that one. Just sayin'.

1.) I picked up Chinese food for lunch for myself and two co-workers, and when I saw several other carry-out bags there for other customers, I paid for one of them. The Chinese joint employees were very confused.

2.) I took the $10 my boss gave me to cover his Chinese food, gave it to the Salvation Army dude standing in front of the restaurant, and paid for my boss's food myself.

I fed the expired meters when I had to make a trip to another courthouse yesterday. This was fun and I'm going to do this again.

And last but not least, when I was going through the line at McDonald's getting my Filet of MmmmDelish Fish, I paid for the next person in line behind me.

I gave my umbrella to a woman waiting at the bus stop on Wednesday. I think I scared her with my own rain-induced wild woman hairdo.

Mary Vogel and I have decided to donate kids’ clothes and toys–she younger, me tweens–to local groups who need them. We will keep you posted as we get this RAK done.

I tried to buy a scarf and some hand warmers for the Salvation Army lady ringing her bell, but she WOULD NOT take them, so I'm giving them to a single mother I work with.  

Went out to our favorite BBQ restaurant. The table next to us had been there for a while and our food came before theirs. Rob made his excuses to them about us being regulars. They were polite, but we could tell they were a little put out. When Rob returned to our table, I asked him to secretly put some money on their tab for waiting.

Gave a street scammer all my cash ($30). "I'm trying to get to Seattle. . . "

Spent 45 minutes helping an old woman carry her groceries home. (Twenty minutes walking to and from; 15 minutes putting them away in her kitchen and chatting.)

Withdrew $200 in 20s; walked around downtown; gave money to whomever asked. I had only 2 hours to spare. Last person to ask five minutes before deadline got $120. SUPER fun!

I gathered up all the grocery carts that people had left scattered around my side of the icy parking lot and took them all to the grocery cart parking station so that the cart-gatherers wouldn't have to risk life and limb ice-skating around in the cold to gather them.

We had such an abundance of [Christmas decorations] that we'll never use again, so after we decorated (using only a fraction of what we had), we packed up the rest of everything and I'm going to drop it by a Children's Center here in town.

I figured the Children's Center can use it to decorate their own classrooms, hallways, and dining area so the kids have something festive to enjoy together.

I delivered a lady's order direct to her door for free and then hugged her when I arrived (crazy random hugger here). She has cancer and can't get out to the stores to Christmas shop and wanted to get her dog something nice.

We also bought a lovely doll for my niece on Saturday and got an extra one the same for the wishing tree (they give the gifts to poor children).

Donated money online for orphans in Uganda and took over nursery duty for lady in my church.

I had an early morning hair appointment Saturday. It was snowing and just plain messy outside, so I stopped and picked up a dozen donuts for the hairdressers and customers who made it in.

I took my ultra-large coffee maker, which brews 2,000 cups or something like that, to school and made coffee for my college English classes.

I volunteered to help a friend's friend move over the weekend. Loaded all the heavy stuff into my truck and took it to storage for her. She wanted to buy me lunch, but because I know money is tight for her right now, I just told her to pay it forward. Help someone else the next time she gets a chance. And buy me a beer sometime.

I took two angels off of the Christmas Child tree at my church and purchased gifts for two brothers. While I was selecting the angels off of the tree, the leader of the Christmas Child program at my church cornered me and asked me to volunteer my Saturday sorting all of the gifts for the program and helping to purchase more gifts. I think I am really going to enjoy helping!

I decided to donate a pint of blood.

Wouldn't you know, I get a R.O.O.K.I.E tech. First she had to prick my finger to check my coagulant number or something like that. Not only did she painfully prick, she squeezed. Then waited. Then squeezed again. Then waited. THEN SQUEEZED AGAIN. It was bloody painful.

So we're not exactly off on the best foot. But I'm keeping my eye on the mission.

It hurt like a *&^% when she put the needle in, and I flinched. She exclaims, "Oh! Don't move!" Hey, don't STAB me and I won't move. Something tells me this is gonna leave a mark.

Then she's having trouble getting the bag to fill, so some guy has to come over and fiddle with it. She had to keep the blood pressure cuff tight, and at one point, my fingers were going numb. Twice she had to release the cuff and refill. I still have no feeling in my right hand.

So I'm trying like mad to concentrate on my magazine article. And it’s not working. Watching the clock, literally 20 minutes later I ask, "So, how are we doing there?" She responds: "The bag is almost half full."

Somehow this finally ends. She asks what color bandage I'd like. I honestly couldn't care less, I just want to get the heck out of there. So she starts wrapping and wrapping and wrapping and wrapping this 2" wide neon pink surgical tape around my arm. FIVE TIMES. Should I be worried about my limb at this point?

It was pouring down rain, when I went out to my car, guess who had a flat tire?! Yeah. And, I had planned to stop for gas on my way home. Did I mention it was pouring rain? Um, yeah. The two stations I went to, BOTH of their systems were down, cash only.

Last night at the dentist's office I held the door for a man who was carrying several boxes and almost dropping them.

I’m participating in the Wish Tree program through my company. Every year we buy Christmas gifts for kids in the Head Start program. It makes me so sad when they ask for things like a winter coat. I remember when I was a young, single mom and times were tough, so I like helping someone who's walking in my shoes. In keeping with that, I always try to find a boy with my son's name.

I took a box of cookies over to the fire station, just because. Next week I'm volunteering at the Operation Christmas Child warehouse in Charlotte, preparing gift boxes for children around the world.

I have a coworker, who will remain nameless, but if you need imagery, imagine Frasier Crane's ex-wife Lilith. She comes into my office each morning, first thing, to try out her sermonette of the day. Today, instead of looking bored, I told her I liked her seasonal sweater. She went into her version of Violet's "Why this old thing? I only wear this when I don't care how I look" line from "It's A Wonderful Life." However, I could tell that she was touched, since she wandered back to her office in record time.

Does taking two little old ladies on a road trip to see their other little old lady sister count? How about the 1287463 times we had to stop so someone could go potty? How about the fact that it's cold/snowy/sleety in Ohio and I'm from Texas?

Today is garbage day in my neighborhood. We have winds gusting up to 45 mph, so you can imagine the havoc it is playing with the plastic-type garbage cans. I have retrieved several of my neighbors cans and placed them into their driveways.

I had to go through the toll booth twice on Monday on my way to the Pioneer Woman book signing and I paid for the driver behind me each time.

Walking the friendly boxers this eve and Cosmo goes off to sniff a nativity scene, happily comes back and drops something at my feet, Lucy grabs it, runs off, I chase, grab her and retrieve the item, and place The Baby Jesus back in his cradle thingy. I hope none of the neighbors were watching, I know Santa is.

My aunt, who was brain-damaged in an auto accident over 30 years ago, lives alone in a small apartment. The complex has many other disabled people living there and they all look out for one another. My aunt has just finished chemo and radiation for lung cancer.

Occasionally, people from the state come by to do an inspection. They're just checking to make sure people are eating, that their heat is on, things are clean and everyone is safe.

Yesterday, my aunt's neighbor had an inspection. She was quite proud of the fact that she has been living there for 13 years and has never had a violation. But today she got a violation for having a smoke detector with a weak battery. She had two days to fix it.

She was so upset over getting a violation that she cried. I told her I would install new batteries for her. But that wasn't the problem. She didn't have the money for batteries.

I ran out to the General Dollar, bought her two batteries for both alarms as well as two for my aunt.

While I was there, I thought about all the other folks who live there on very limited incomes and decided to get everyone new batteries.

Because many are disabled physically as well as mentally, rather than just leave the batteries on their doorstep with a note, I knocked on each door and installed the batteries for everyone.

It was a good day.

We are donating a bunch of supplies to the no-kill shelter in town and delivering meals to homebound seniors on Christmas Eve.

My son came home from work the other day talking about this woman he works with who is a single mom of two, no car, etc. who was saying that since Wal-Mart discontinued their layaway plan she didn't know how she was going to get Christmas for her kids. So, he and I are secretly adopting her family for Christmas. We are going to wrap everything and leave it in the office and the owner is going to tell her that someone dropped it off for her.

Does leaving boxes of freshly baked goodies around the neighborhood count?? Spent the last 4 DAYS, measuring, mixing, baking, cooling, frosting and decorating hundreds of different baked goods.

Left a $20 tip for a $9 meal today and planning on slipping some $$ to a coworker whose paycheck is woefully inadequate …

I opened doors everywhere I went. I waved traffic ahead of me at stop signs. Even when they had the right of way. Twice!

There’s a homeless man that I have, unfortunately, had to ask to leave our parking lot on occasion. He has taken up a new post and I was able to locate him yesterday. I gave him some money and made sure he knew about a place nearby that offered free coffee and warmth all day. He did know of this place, told me his name was Jason, and that he was getting very close to being able to have his own apartment. I will probably try to find him again on Monday.

There is a young man in our neighborhood who has been out of work for about a year. He has also gained a lot of weight due to medication. I took him out yesterday and we got a new winter coat and other basic necessities (none of his clothes fit). We spent the day shopping and then met my husband at a local Italian place for dinner.

My husband and I went out for dinner and then drove through a local Christmas lights display. Once through the park, you are asked for a donation per car that is collected for a children’s charity. So, we paid for the family in the car behind us.

And also? At dinner, I had an extra coupon for the restaurant where we were eating. As we left, I gave it to a cute young couple at a nearby table.

My husband works with a lady who has been fostering two young boys because they were being neglected by their mother. Recently their mother decided to take them back. The woman and her partner were devastated. It was not an "official" kind of fostering through the state. They let them take the toys and clothes and everything and did not really have a choice but hope for the best.

A few days ago the mother decided she did not want the kids anymore and "returned" them to my husband's coworker and her partner. The kids have no toys, barely any clothes, what they have are summer clothes and it has gotten cold here. I gathered up quite a few clothes that my son has grown out of and that will probably fit the younger child and my husband took them to work tonight. I also filled a huge bag with toys, books, crayons, coloring books and stuffed animals that were either meant for my son’s Christmas or things that he did not play with too much anyways. I hope they can use everything, especially the clothes, but I figured if they don't fit they can take it to a resale store and get store credit and get things that fit.

Friday I responded to a WANTED: Christmas help posting on our local Freecycle from a woman who was looking for things for two kids for Christmas. She responded that she had found things for those two, but had just heard from another woman who had taken in two girls whose mother had just passed away. Apparently the girls came to her with very little. I went to Penney’s Saturday morning doorbuster sale armed with the $ off coupons and bought three outfits for two girls 11 and 15 years old and dropped them off at the Freecycle poster's house. She emailed me later that the woman was overjoyed when she brought them to her.

I gave the mall security guard at the Target entrance a roll of quarters so the next forty people who took a cart got one for free.

Went to Petco, needed dog food, went to the biscuit bar, bought an extra bag doggie delights, went to the drive-thru bank, gave them to my favorite teller for others who bank with their ever so happy doggers.

Beauty products · Faithful Readers · June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets · Weblogs

I want you to know. I will NEVER be organized about my blog topics

First and foremost, here is my Christmas mug of the day. Du jour of the day. When I waitressed, I used to love it when people asked what the soup du jour of the day was. I never felt superior or anything. It's hard to feel superior in a brown polyester dress that zips up the front, but I managed it.

Henryhaslicensetokill 

That stupid Michigan license plate really showed up, didn't it? When Marvin and I first moved in together and he was getting the cow for free, I had to explain to him why license plates in the living room weren't gonna work. It was kind of like that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Carrie Fisher makes Bruno Kirby throw out the wagon wheel coffee table.

"I want you to know, that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table."

I should have required films that you must view before reading this blog. That one, Annie Hall, It's a Wonderful Life and Arthur. That way, at least you'll know what I'm talking about half the time.

There are many things I wish to cover today, and all of them must be brief, because not only did I get a migraine yesterday which seriously hampered how many pages I proofread and now I have to catch up and because I'm gonna READ so much you know I'll get another one, I also have to go to the post office.

Which, remember how I was gonna complain about my Friday two Fridays ago? One of the things I was gonna tell you is that I had to go to the post office that day and the man in front of me, who had JUST KVETCHED to me about how long the line was, bought a $278 money order IN QUARTERS. I am not making this up. QUARTERS. And he COUNTED them all. "One, twooo…"

So I'm really looking forward to returning there, and given that Christmas is in 11 days I am certain it will not be ludicrous or anything. And they have ONE EMPLOYEE working there. He's the nicest guy. Maybe I should bring him something today. Like a gun. Or, you know, cookies.

Okay, so I really have to go. I have an idea. Why don't I list for you all the things I need to discuss and you can remind me. And I always tell you guys to remind me and instead what you do is you DON'T remind me and then you complain six months later that you never heard about the whooandsoo that YOU NEVER REMINDED ME ABOUT. Geez, I ask for one tiny favor.

Here're topics I need to discuss when there's more time:

1. What was wrong with Oprah's left eye yesterday in the special where she interviewed the Obamas?

2. Did Stedman hit her? I doubt he'd mess with that money train. Did Gayle? Did she get pinkeye from letting her friend pierce her nose, because that's how my friend got pinkeye. Okay, see, instead of a list I am instead starting to discuss Oprah's eye and that's not what I wanted to do.

3. Oprah asked the Obamas an interesting question. She asked what their favorite Christmas gift was. I think we should discuss our favorites at a later date. Good blog topic.

70sjune
4. We need to discuss the part where I played with my makeup and did a 70s June look.

5. Good deeds. I have to list all your good deeds you've done so far and then link to you and the thought of starting this task sounds worse than standing behind Mr. 278 x 4 quarters.

6. I want to do a little survey of all of you. Ask you questions about this blog, how you came to it, what you like about it, that sort of thing.

 Everyonescute
7. My pets are cute. This was yesterday when I had the migraine. They like it when I'm in bed all day. And yes, sometimes I try to bring Francis in and he immediately waddles back to his pink chair, quite kerfuffled about being moved. Poor Fran.

8. I have to tell you how I am not the alpha in this pack. Nor is Marvin. I think you can guess who is. She is staring at you in Personal Growth, up there. See? That wasn't funny unless you've seen When Harry Met Sally.

Okay. Off to begin all these tasks. I also have to wrap Marvin's gifts, because he keeps finding reasons to walk into my closet, a place he has never found remotely interesting before, and one of his gifts is three feet tall so it's getting hard to hide. Yes, I did get Marvin an Oompa Loompa. Who doesn't want a preachy short orange person around? I mean, other than Henry.

Okay, bye.

Current Affairs · June's stupid life · Los Angeles

Free-range blogging

Since (because) I told you how I'm drinking from a Christmas mug every morning, of which I have 752 from students of Marvin's, I thought it'd be fascinating to photograph them every day for you. Or maybe not so much fascinating as stupid. Whichever.

The "since (because)" thing will only be funny if you read me all the time. Or maybe not so much funny as stupid.

Anyway, as soon as I put the cup in my in-box and got out the camera, Henry stormed over there to pose. Who has grown up being blog fodder? Is it our Hen?

Henryneedcoffee

Henry make coffee mug all about Henry.

Look through my we-still-can't-afford-to-buy-cute-curtains window and see how wintery! There are no leaves left. I finally brought my poor geranium inside. It's been on my porch and I saw it the other day wearing a scarf and mittens and it occurred to me maybe it's a trifle cold for the poor thing.

It's funny to live somewhere with weather again. Believe it or not, in LA we used to refer to this time of year as "winter." It was still 67 degrees, but man, was that arctic for us! You'd think Marvin and I had not both been brought up in the coldest state on earth or something.

Did I ever tell you my parents' rule for whether I got a ride to school or not? No one walks to school anymore. Anyway, if the temperature was higher than my age, I had to walk. So when I was 8, if it was 9 degrees, I had to walk. Doesn't that sound like child abuse? Yet every kid in school was traipsing through that tundra. There was no annoying line of SUVs at my school at the beginning and end of the day. We schlepped.

And you know how we think it was safer back then? In fact, it wasn't. Crimes against children are down almost 60% since the 70s. Do you know one of the reasons they think this is so? Lead gasoline. I am not even making this up. Apparently, lead is so incredibly bad for you, even floating around in the air, that it can make you kind of crazy.

Okay, now I am starting to sound like Rik, that idiot neighbor I had who scammed my landlord out of his money and house. But here, it was even in the New York Times.

Speaking of walking to school and crime and lead and New York, have you ever heard of this Free Range Kids movement? It started with a mom in NY who let her kid take the subway alone, and a bunch of people thought it was great and another bunch were appalled. I have no kids, so I have no opinion on it, other than it's sort of interesting. Here's her site. She thinks kids are too mollycoddled these days. What do you think?

I have no idea how I got off on this tangent today. I was just gonna show you my mug and get out. You'll be surprised to hear I have to proofread a statistics book again today. I recently sent this company an invoice, and it was the 47th invoice I sent. Does this mean I have read 47 statistics books? Because oy. And because I still couldn't tell you what a chi-square is.

Books · Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

I must be brief. Not boxers. Or even boxer briefs.

Your close personal pal June is worky today. Yes, on Saturday. I know you feel sorry for me.

When I wasn't working yesterday, I was reading our book club book, Serena, by Ron Rash. I am obsessed! It's such a good book! Click on Mince Words with June over on the right to get the details about book club. It's still called Mince Words with June, isn't it? I think so.

Anyway, the other thing that happened yesterday–I mean other than the part where I bit the inside of my $%##@&% lip and now I keep RE-biting it and I hate everything–is the UPS man rang my bellllll, rang my bell. See what I did there? I mean, other than putting the song Ring My Bell into your head? I mentioned UPS this time and not FedEx. There goes that big Tiger Woods endorsement money I was lookin' at.

I went to the door and when I opened it, I almost could not even see over the boxes that had arrived for me. I said, "Oh, my God!" and I didn't even know the UPS guy was still there, but he said, "I know, right?" as he headed for his truck.

"I'm an only child!" I yelled after him.

Iknowright

My porch after the UPS man left in disgust. This was not even the first batch of boxes to arrive, not at all. Hey, it was worse when my grandmother was alive, and I was her only grandchild.

I guess that's all I have to say about my gifty Christmas. Oh, and speaking of things that will disgust you? Tallulah Gardens may have her own page on Facebook. If you want to friend her, she is accepting requests. Which is kind of more than you can say about her in real life. She is kind of aloof with people when we're not being cyber.

Finally, it's Saturday, that day where some of the time I remember to award the comment of the week. This week Faithful Reader Brenda gets the dubious honor. Because of her tongue. Click on Special of the Week if you wish to see it.

Okay, back to work. Anybody want to hear about statistics?