Ode to Joy. I love that furniture polish.

Just because I didn’t show you a picture of yesterday’s Christmas mug doesn’t mean I didn’t TAKE a picture of yesterday’s coffee mug.

Fyourcoffee Francis despise you. And your caffeine addiction.

Henry was obsessively fetching his magenta mouse, as per usual, and also, what looks better with a red mug than an enormous old cranky black and white cat? Whose team most of you are on, may I add.


I also, lucky you, took a photo of today’s mug.


Blurcoffee Okay, so Henry was obsessively fetching his mouse again. I tried for an action shot. Sue me.


Oh! In other really important news, remember the other day when I photographed my front porch (and no, I don’t mean my chestal region)? I was disturbed by our autumnal welcome mat. It contained an owl saying, “Whoooooo’s there?” Marvin picked it out. What can I tell you. So I went to Target and spent $8 that I shouldn’t have on a Christmassy one.


Joytothemat


Joy to the world! June has a mat. Place.your.FedEx.box.here! Let every preeeesent, be forrrr meeee.


Okay, I’ll stop.


Oh! But no I won’t. Because I also wanted to show you the disturbing Santa light cover my mother got me last year.


Santaseverywhere

You put this over your porch light? And his face lights up maniacally, scaring little children and ruining their holiday. Yay!


I guess that’s all I have to tell you about Christmas in my house thus far. Today I have to have a filling replaced, so it has cast a pall over everything else. Do you do that? Do you spend your whole day dreading the dentist and being unable to enjoy anything, because you know later you will be having your face drilled? Perhaps it’s not the best way to deal with it, but it’s what I do.


Yesterday I went to a lunch at a friend’s house, and it was a delightful lunch that included lasagna, and who isn’t delighted to get lasagna? Anyway, I noticed she wasn’t eating, and she said she’d been at the dentist all morning getting a crown.


Okay.


There is no way I could throw a lunch party for six or seven people the day I was also getting a crown. I’d be on Valium or Xanax or something, (a), and (12), I’d have to go home and go to bed and decompress after. I do not understand it when people can just charge through life in a strong manner.


I will not be taking a Xanax for the filling replacement, by the way. I figure I can be tough through this one. But my next crown? Valley of the Dolls.


Okay, then. Everyone have a delightful day. Don’t worry about me. And my MOUTH SURGERY. Or anything.


P.S. I forgot I was gonna show you the Christmas presents I sent to my mother. I am really bad at wrapping gifts, but what I lack in talent I made up for in glitter and gaudiness. I will abstain from Liberace jokes at this juncture.


Pretty I wish my brother George were here.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

84 thoughts on “Ode to Joy. I love that furniture polish.”

  1. Are you getting a filling replaced becuase it fell out or becuase you are going from the 1970’s silver filling to the 2010 clear filling? Just curious.
    Your Santa is creepy but I love the mat!

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  2. Culpepper, it is indeed a porcelain one, but apparently there is decay that he can see, which I guess means its no longer filling as it should be. Which is kind of the point of a…filling. I have no metal ones left. And now it occurs to me that I must have gotten this porcelain one not that long ago–like in the last 12 years–and my charming teeth grinding must have made it chip or leak or whatever and I bet youre glad you asked.

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  3. Get porcelain. I only have one filling but it has lasted for a looooong time and is still in great shape.
    Disturbing Santa looks like he got a glimpse of the giant underpanch of one of those wooden garden ornaments of bent over gramma, which is disturbing in itself, no?
    Okay, I’m off to take a friend to chemo. It’s not a RAK. I’m doing it with intention and love. An IAL, if you will.

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  4. Get porcelain. I only have one filling but it has lasted for a looooong time and is still in great shape.
    Disturbing Santa looks like he got a glimpse of the giant underpanch of one of those wooden garden ornaments of bent over gramma, which is disturbing in itself, no?
    Okay, I’m off to take a friend to chemo. It’s not a RAK. I’m doing it with intention and love. An IAL, if you will.

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  5. Get porcelain. I only have one filling but it has lasted for a looooong time and is still in great shape.
    Disturbing Santa looks like he got a glimpse of the giant underpanch of one of those wooden garden ornaments of bent over gramma, which is disturbing in itself, no?
    Okay, I’m off to take a friend to chemo. It’s not a RAK. I’m doing it with intention and love. An IAL, if you will.

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  6. Okay, you clearly did not read my above comment, Furry, but that is not why I resent you. YOU HAVE ONE FILLING? ONE!?!?!??! I have 72 root canals and crowns. I am a dentists dream.

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  7. Aargh…
    I.hate.the.dentist. I would rather go to the gyn doctor. REALLY. I need meds to get to the dentist, and the funny gas, and that’s just for a cleaning. I am so proud of you June for actually going. My plan is to get false teeth…send them to the dentist and I’ll stay home.

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  8. oh i’m the same as d-lou. i would seriously get my woohah checked every week to avoid all current and future dental exams, cleanings and fillings.
    did i tell you i can finally see the arrow in the fed ex logo? yeah, me. 🙂

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  9. June, your door looks really pretty. The wreath looks like lavender, but I doubt that it is.
    The Santa looks like something you’d see in a gay porn shop, with that nice round mouth. No offense June’s mother.

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  10. It is odd living with someone of another species. She of the sanctimonious “I have one whole filling in my pretty little head” and I who hath more bridges than Madison County and more fillings than all the chocolate eclairs in Whoville…and having eaten all of those at one time in my life could possibly explain my poor dental track record. Or not.

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  11. I do so love decorating vicariously through others. I have not hung a wreath, put up a tree or laid out a Santa rug. I am however drinking from a reindeer mug does that count?

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  12. He IS gay porn Santa. I initially thought he looked like The Santa Claus in the second movie but oh no…he is totally gay porn. Santa Stocking Stuffer Porn Star hanging up over there.
    I guess this is an ok place to put my RAK?
    JANERA…..
    Here’s the story…I’ll try to be brief. Our pastor’s 9 year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 months ago. Our pastor’s wife is the sweetest most giving person you would ever meet…but right now she is doing all she can do just to take care of her very sick little boy and keep her other two children from feeling lost in the shuffle.
    She was on my heart recently as I was going about decorating my house, shopping, and generally getting in the spirit of the season. She is cloaked in cancer daily…treatments at the clinic, treatments at home, homeschooling her too weak to go to school son, the heavy cloud of despair, doubt and sorrow hanging over her. It occurred to me that she might be having a hard time getting in the spirit this year.
    So I sent a message to as many ladies as I had contact information for to form a RAK chain for her. The goal is to have something in her mailbox or her doorstep every day in December just to let her know we love her, are praying and thinking about her, and while it won’t do anything to help their increasing financial burden or make her son well, it will hopefully bring some joy into her heart. At the end of the month we are all pitching in to give her a day at the spa, including someone to care for all 3 of her kids.
    So all month she is getting little scented candles, chocolates, cards, bath products, and just endless love!

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  13. Ugh… dentist talk. I have 3 root canals scheduled for tomorrow. 3! I already have the crappiest teeth in the world, and did you know that when one is pregnant one is more susceptible to teeth problems because of all the stinking hormones? The “one,” in this case, would be me. I’ve been dreading it for weeks. The only thing that might replace my fear is that Santa light cover. I’ll be thinking of it during the root canals to distract myself. Thank you. Just kidding, June’s mom. It’s lovely. I’m really going to be singing, “I hate the dentist in the Spring time. I hate the denist in the Fall. I hate the dentist in the Summer when it sizzles…”

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  14. My dentist has a tv in every room, so you can watch Oprah while you are getting your teeth worked on. I find Oprah MUCH more painful…

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  15. This holiday season I’m getting up close and personal with BOTH my dentist and my girl-parts doc. I got a crown and two fillings this month, and my dentist told me at the end “You make my job easy.” I’ll bet my chart says “high pain tolerance” on it because I’m screaming on the inside and not biting his hands. And my girlie-parts are getting an endometrial biopsy after Christmas, and if those two words don’t strike fear into your heart, they should. They’ve tried to do this twice before without drugs and this time they are prescribing drugs and some kind of pain block. I think I prefer the dentist.
    And I love all your decorations. I meant to say something the other day about your Santa door hanging in one of your pictures. It is spectacular. Gay porn Santa is too funny too. I want one.

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  16. Waha, Valley of the Dolls. Love it. Did you know that January Jones was named after a character from that book? Or some equally porny book from the same time/genre. I get all those Nobel winning novels mixed up.

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  17. Yeah, June. I was swimming in the deep end of the gene pool the day I picked out my teeth. More reasons to hate me? The dentist doesn’t want to whiten them because he’s afraid they’ll glow AND they are so straight that when my brother got braces and I wanted them too? The orthodontist laughed in my twelve year old face.
    I’m just happy that particular gene wasn’t tagged with the one for bi-polar disorder. Score!
    Gay porn Santa. Sknnnnk!

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  18. Yeah, June. I was swimming in the deep end of the gene pool the day I picked out my teeth. More reasons to hate me? The dentist doesn’t want to whiten them because he’s afraid they’ll glow AND they are so straight that when my brother got braces and I wanted them too? The orthodontist laughed in my twelve year old face.
    I’m just happy that particular gene wasn’t tagged with the one for bi-polar disorder. Score!
    Gay porn Santa. Sknnnnk!

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  19. Yeah, June. I was swimming in the deep end of the gene pool the day I picked out my teeth. More reasons to hate me? The dentist doesn’t want to whiten them because he’s afraid they’ll glow AND they are so straight that when my brother got braces and I wanted them too? The orthodontist laughed in my twelve year old face.
    I’m just happy that particular gene wasn’t tagged with the one for bi-polar disorder. Score!
    Gay porn Santa. Sknnnnk!

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  20. Oh man, I do the same thing with the dentist! It starts with a nightmare two days before in which the dentist discovers a black hole in my mouth where my tooth should be. Then the day of I am a wreck and can’t concentrate on anything. Luckily my dentist will give you some miracle gas that makes you feel like you’ve had one too many glasses of wine while he works on your tooth….it’s the only way I am able to sit there and not cry the entire time! Good luck at the dentist…I’ll be sending good vibes your way!

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  21. I have the pleasure of getting my first crown, in fact it’s a two for one deal, in early January (to replace old fillings, the dentist also implied I was old because (now I’m all freaked about because vs. since, forgive me if I got it wrong) my teeth will no longer hold a filling.
    I’m scared. And I would not charge forward with my duties like your friend did. I think fainting couches should make a resurrgence.
    But good luck!!

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  22. Okay, so I finally decided to read the comments even though I feel like I’m trespassing, because you (June) are always talking about how funny your commenters are and Holy Crap on a Cracker, you are right! I’m cackling out loud at Gay Porn Santa (good thing I’m the only one in my office) and now I’m afraid that the phrase Gay Porn Santa is going to be running through my head all day, kind of like how you get a commercial jingle stuck in your head? Yeah like that. GayPornSantaGayPornSantaGayPornSanta.
    I’ll go back to lurking now. 🙂

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  23. Dear Jill,
    I can see the name of your blog and I realize others cannot, but what I want to know is, in what way can a pear be sassy? Tart, maybe. Also? P.S.? GAY PORN SANTA.

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  24. First of all, if KW does not win SOMETHING for Gay Porn Santa, then I may be done.
    Second, I once had a dentist where you got your own tv (to use while there, not to take home or anything), your own channel changer (yea, that’s what I call a remote) AND they would give you a free parafin hand wax treatment (with the oven mitts and everything) while you waited.
    I LOVED MY DENTIST.
    Sorry you have to go June.

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  25. My sister just pointed out to me that I made a comment about Gay Porn Santa and my pastor’s wife in the same comment section. I am going to H-E-double hockey sticks.

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  26. Lee, that is the second nicest thing I have heard all day. The first one is that I have been hired away from this job. Well, actually, yours is a lot nicer for the universe, and your minister’s wife is lucky to have you as a parishoner/friend. Do share some of the RAKs you ladies give to your friend. I am betting that they are very special.

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  27. June!
    As I scrolled down and saw the door pic I thought it was going to be a pic out of a magazine and when I went down further I’d see your door (like a “went for this” and got “that” scenario). It looks very nice! Not that I have low expectations of your decorating skills or anything. So, in summary, well done. Sort of Chatting at the Sky style (until Santa head showed up).

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  28. One question… what kind of special perve wants to seek their pleasure from a Santa with a nice round mouth? Does it come with a bonus DVD, Santa’s Naughty North Pole???

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  29. Also, Jan, maybe Kenny Rogers’ gay lover does. Did you ever consider THAT? You’re so inconsiderate, Jan.

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  30. I used to have an evil Porn Santa. Then my ex-husband put him too close to the 100 watt light bulb, which should have been 60 watt. Evil Porn Santa became Twisted, Melty Porn Santa. Not a pretty sight.
    My daughter had a root canal when she was 10 years old. Can you freaking believe it? She’s 19 now and still has problems with that tooth. *shiver*

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  31. I love me a good Liberace reference. I particularly love that he used proper grammer and didn’t say “was”.
    btw, I also sing “I wish I WERE an Oscar Meyer weiner.”
    Ooh Lee has broken my heart for that family.
    My kindness for the month is that I sponsored Christmas for a child in foster care. She is three years old and since I have two boys, and always wanted a girl, I bought her a pink hat and mitten set, a doll with hair, four cute long sleeved t-shirts, and a blanket. I do it every year and I think I enjoy it more than buying for my own family.

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  32. Wait. WHAT? Kenny Rogers has a gay lover? Well slap my hide…I NEVER heard that before. Doesn’t Kenny know you gotta know when to fold ’em?

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  33. Furry, I heard that job blows. And also Lety, did you know thats on Liberaces tombstone? About his brother George, I mean. I cannot recall if the tombstone uses were or was. Wouldnt that be an awful thing Marvin could do to me? Put a grammatical error on my tombstone. June Gardens. She were nice.

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  34. Okay, Kenny Rogers isnt gay. That I know of. Plastic surgery notwithstanding. Im just saying Gay Porn Santa looks a little like Kenny Rogers, so if he DID have a gay lover, said gay lover might enjoy Gay Porn Santa. Oh, forget it.

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  35. Gay Porn Santa DOES look like post-facelift Kenny Rogers! Do you think Kenny had Gay Porn Santa on his front porch and took him to the plastic surgeon and told him he wanted to look like him? Maybe he is gay and that’s why Lucille left him.

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  36. Jeez, I hate to write about an actual job when I could be gay porn Santa as a full-time volunteer position. Sure, it would require hours of holding still on Junie’s porch, pursing my sensuous lips just oh-so perfectly, but who wouldn’t sign up for a gig like that?
    I am going from being an assistant director of the annual fund at a private college to being the director of the annual fund at a very classy private high school for boys. Rest easy folks: I have a firm policy against trick or treating my friends, unless, of course, they are alumni, and then, well, they had better pony up or all hell will break loose. Or I will pout and cast evil looks and aspersions in their direction.
    And yes, I am right there with thee, June. I could stand almost anything except a tombstone reading “He done good. Now he be done.” ACK. HAIRBALL.

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  37. Go ahead and Google “gay porn santa”, you’re number one Junie. Appropriately for someone who said “having her face drilled” yee haw! Marvin you cad.
    I used to have a wallet sized card with a picture of ‘Joy” dishwashing soap and “Pride” furniture polish. I would proudly show off my “Pride and Joy” to anyone. No comments from any weird perverts…only the normal ones out there.
    My dentist’s name is Perry O’Dontal and he is a pain.

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  38. Ohmygod, Cosmos dad, I had that picture too! I was at my regular bar, back when I had a regular bar, and some guy asked if I wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy, and when he showed me that picture, I laughed so hysterically that he looked a little frightened and said, Um. You can have it. Oh, I carried that photo for years.

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  39. Ok, June with the RAsoK. I’ve let so many people ahead of me while driving I’m going to lose my Hostile New York Driver Cred. I’ll have to be re-trained after the holidays!

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  40. Ok, June with the RAsoK. I’ve let so many people ahead of me while driving I’m going to lose my Hostile New York Driver Cred. I’ll have to be re-trained after the holidays!

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  41. Ok, June with the RAsoK. I’ve let so many people ahead of me while driving I’m going to lose my Hostile New York Driver Cred. I’ll have to be re-trained after the holidays!

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  42. Whoa, to think I almost didn’t mention the Gay Porn Santa because I was concerned about insulting your mom!
    Last month at my nephew’s wedding a guy pulled out that pride and joy card! He had a bunch of funny cards that I can’t remember now. Oh, and every time he has to renew his driver’s license, he wears a different wig for the photo. He showed me his current license and it was hilarious.
    He looked like that mug shot of Nick Nolte.
    HULK: Lord, you crack me up!
    JUNE: I certainly hope tomorrow you show us a picture of your face smiling real big with your novocaine. Because you know how
    fecal talk is really funny to you? Well, that is how I am about novocaine face. I LOVE laughing at people with novocaine face.
    Including myself.

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  43. Crap, I meant LEE, Your RAK was super!
    Jan, no offense, but I can’t remember what yours was. I’m sure it was super too!

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  44. I never really worried about the dentist until the time I went in for what I thought was supposed to be a cleaning and turned out to be an appointment for two fillings. Two. At the same time. On opposites sides of the mouth, and one on top, one on bottom. I looked really attractive all day.
    I was a teenager at the time, which I guess is why no one cared to inform me. I can only imagine the alarm on my face when the hygenist asked “You want to be numbed for this, right?”

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  45. I almost bought that same mat at Target last week but it was $9.99 here. Is it on sale or is the cost of living that much lower south of the NC/VA border?

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  46. Seriously K-Dub? You don’t remember my RAK??? Starbucks-gate???
    I am off to google Gay Porn Santa right now. I am cracking up over Cosmo’s dad pointing out that June said she was getting her face drilled.

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  47. OH. MY. Do not, under any circumstances, really google Gay Porn Santa. Take me at my word. I didn’t even click on the links, the small captions were enough… Off to pour drano in my eyes.

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  48. I wonder how many people really thought it would be a good idea to google Gay Porn Santa? Besides Jan of course. Kudos to Cosmo’s Dad for pointing out that June was getting her face drilled. Good luck with the dentist June. Mine has to remind me to breathe every so often. He’s a good guy like that.

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  49. How in the world am I going to make it through my morning meeting with the big cheese with all these images of Liberace, Gay Porn Santa, Kenny Rogers, and now Popeye going through my mind?

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  50. Lety ~ You are good people over there. Love your RAK.
    Cosmo’s Dad ~ You’re killin’ me smalls!
    Jan ~ Lucille left him to sail away to another world of islands in streams.

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