The Pied Piper of Stroms

Today we are drinking from the head of a penguin.

PenguinHenry disturbed. Mom drink from bird head.

So, I lived through my dentist appointment, but just barely. I’m unsure if they don’t numb me enough there, or if they don’t crank the nitrous enough, but I am way more aware of what’s going on than I used to be at Dr. Beiber’s office in LA.

Anyway, I’m filled. And yes, it’s porcelain.

My day, however, was the worst of times and it was the best of times. Because that beleaguered UPS man returned to my door yesterday–he hates me–and brought me this:

Stroms

It’s from one of my oldest friends, who has a v.v. important job and two children and a husband and a commute, and how she remembered that chocolate-covered strawberries are my favorite thing is beyond me. And do you think I sat down and ate them all? Without sharing with Marvin? You would be correct. June gets very selfish when it comes to her stroms.

Marvin calls strawberries “stroms” and I have no clue why. It’s like how he says “dirty, grandma” when something is dirty, and he only does it because that’s what I say. Heaven knows why he has ANY word for strawberries, seeing as I eat them all before he knows they’re in the house.

The package came wrapped in a ribbon, which naturally I tried to tie to Tallulah’s head, and man did she enjoy me and my ribbon.

Hatemom Lula not Darla in Little Rascal. Pleeze remove.

Did I ever tell you about when my grandmother took me strawberry picking? I was probably 10 or 11, and oh, was I a pleasure to go with. I was AGHAST at how early we had to go, and then I kept singing, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” during the picking portion, like I was some kind of field hand. (I saw Gone With the Wind for the first time when I was 10, so I was probably feeling Suellen and Careen out there getting their hands unladylike.)

I kvetched and moaned and carried on, and finally we were done. We took our stroms up to the tent at the front of the field. Grammy got her wallet out.

“What are you doing?” I asked her, incredulous.

“Well, I’m paying,” she said, probably desperately wishing my father had never met my mother and created the likes of me.

“They don’t pay US!?” I was PISSED. I guess I thought we were trying to earn a few extra dollars for some reason.

I have always been a cheerful and diligent worker.

When my father was young, a donut truck used to drive around the neighborhood selling fresh donuts, which hi. Why did all the good stuff happen before I was born? Anyway, my father used to pay my aunt to walk into the front yard and buy the donuts for him. It was too much effort for his 9-year-old self to WALK INTO HIS OWN FRONT YARD.

And then he’d never share even one donut with my poor Aunt Mary.

I have no idea how I got on this tangent.

Oh, there was one more thing I wanted to show you before I commence another exciting day in Life of June. Remember how I said I was so not the alpha?

Otherwomansabitch
Here is the scandalous scene I encountered when trying to get into bed the other night. And do you think she felt bad and scurried away? I had to LIFT her ludicrous self and place her at the foot of the bed.

When I first stole Tallulah I called my friend Ken, who we call the Pied Piper of dogs. In retrospect, now what I know from dogs, all of Ken’s dogs have been Labs, and come on. How hard are THEY to train? Somebody bring Ken a Tibetan spaniel/Am-Staff/Beagle mix and see how he does. At any rate, I asked him to just tell me ONE THING, the most IMPORTANT THING he could think of, for raising a good dog.

“Never, ever let them on the bed,” he said.

Yeah.

58 thoughts on “The Pied Piper of Stroms

  1. I’ve heard it said that you should not let the dogs sleep with you because it gives them equal power and all that. Makes them think they’re the pack leaders. Well, I’m here to tell you, mine already think they are the pack leaders. And as soon as they start paying the bills, I’m totally going to let them lead the pack. But until then… I make the rules.
    And the rule is, no dogs allowed on the bed. But really? It’s because the bulldog snores. Loudly.
    For Hulk and Lee, who asked about the Almond Butter Buckeye recipe- it’s up on my site.

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  2. First…why do you have a twin bed? And? My daughter has those sheets…they get softer every time I wash them.
    How did you manage to eat all the stroms after a dental appointment? Did they taste all dentally?
    LOVE THE PENGUIN HEAD.
    That photo of Lula looks like she has kleenex coming out of her ear.
    DAWN ~ What is your site???????

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  3. First, my dentist actually has a masseuse on staff who will rub your hands and arms (and that’s all, Hulk, don’t get excited) while you are getting your filling. Awesome, no? When I did it, my hands were so clammy that she didn’t even need oil! (Oversharing?)
    Also, my dog sleeps under the covers at the foot of the bed, which is both weird, and unfortunate (for her). She sleeps with my son who is a farting machine.

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  4. Its not a twin bed, for heavens sake. And I know my apostrophes are not gonna show up because they never do when I reply to a comment and it irks me.
    What if all we could have AFFORDED was a twin? Wouldnt you have felt bad asking?
    Anyway it just looks small because a DOG is there, I think.
    Also also plus also incidentally, my dentist appt. wasnt till 2:40, so I ate the stroms before. Yes, I brushed obsessively after.

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  5. I’ve also heard that dogs shouldn’t sleep on your bed or get up on the furniture. Those rules don’t apply in our house. I have a huge yellow lab and and a german shorthaired pointer who make themselves at home on our king size bed. The GSP likes to sleep with her head on my shoulder and the lab enjoys stretching out with his head on a pillow.
    We have two couches in our living room and some nights I find it ironic that the two dogs take up one couch while the rest of us squeeze ourselves on the other. Why don’t we just move the dogs? Sleeping dogs are dogs who aren’t eatin shoes or destroying a library book! Besides, they look so darn cute when they are sleeping.

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  6. o.m.g. If Lula was a chocolate lab, she would look just like my Coco laying on my bed!!! Although Coco will move to the foot of the bed once I get in and MAKE her move. She wont dare lay on my husbands side because she knows he will boot her out of the bed! Gotta love em!!

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  7. June, you have some awesome friends to send you choc. dipped strawberries! You do seem to attract a good crowd, don’t you?
    And yeah, you have totally lost the alpha leader position. If you feel bad about sharing your sleeping space with Tallulah, think of me with 2 large fat cats, 1 smaller skinnier cat and 1 fat schnauzer crammed in around me so that I can’t roll over or turn much under the covers since they have me pinned in. It makes me think of what wearing a strait jacket would feel like. Then further picture the husband and the schnauzer and the pit bull snoring like a herd of fat truck drivers.
    I bet you are feeling better about your sleeping arrangement now, aren’t you? : )

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  8. Fawn, who is now following me on Typepad, which I didnt even know you could do, go online. My friend lives in Michigan, so she must have found some service thatd mail them. They came with an ice pack. And they were good.

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  9. My dogs rule the roost at my house. I find dog bones and dog toys in my bed. I had better be up fixing breakfast for them at 6:30am or Mr. will slap me in the face. He has giant paws and it hurts.

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  10. Oh yeah?? Imagine ol’ Talu there is an eight-year-old girl about half that size. And she climbs into your bed. Then proceeds to sleep perpendicular to the head and foot of the bed. With her feet touching your ribs. Then she has a dream about monsters. At least you can beat a dog.

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  11. Does Marvin feel emmasculated surrounded by all that strom pink? Does he dream in every other color BUT pink out of self defense?
    You are SO color coordinated!
    (Notice how I didn’t even notice that Lula was on the bed?)

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  12. Are you sure Tallulah has no Lab in her at all? I’m just saying…. 😉 The other day a woman asked me if Diesel was a viszla. She looked very taken aback when I replied that he was mastiff, pit bull and boxer. Don’t know whether that was just because of the pit bull part, or if it was because I dared to have a not purebred dog.
    Free Yoda!!

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  13. Love the caption on the Lula pic. My yellow lab Tia (who looks amazingly like Lula) knows she is not supposed to get on the furniture or bed, so she waits until I am out of sight to do it. Many’s the morning that I leave to take the kids to school and run back in 30 seconds later because I forgot something, and there she is, guiltily jumping off the bed. So I know she thinks she is alpha in this house, or maybe an alpha wannabe. Her big alpha trick is to follow from the front. Whenever I go anywhere in the house, she tries to anticipate where I am going and get in front of me so as to appear to be leading, but looking back every few feet to make sure I am still behind her. Sometimes I turn off into another room just to trick her. No wonder she’s neurotic.
    Love the penguin mug. Marvin’s students’ parents have good taste.

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  14. When we got our Lucy as a puppy (she’s now 11), the rule was she would be an “outside” dog. That was changed to “she can come inside but she can’t sleep in the house at night.” That was modified to “ok, she can sleep in the house but not in our room.” Which was corrected to “she can sleep in our room but not on the bed.” Then the rule was changed to “she’ll sleep better if she’s snuggling with us.” These rules were made and modified in the span of several hours on the day we brought her home. She stopped sleeping on the bed about a year ago. I think WE took up too much room for her to be comfortable.

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  15. RAK Update:
    My RAK partner Hulk set the bar pretty high, what with his clothing those in need and moving strangers but I did what was on my heart. I sent four “thank you” emails to former teachers who really had an impact on me. I got two responses and they seemed to geniunely appreciate the message. June this was a great idea. You deserve a platter of chocolate dipped stroms.

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  16. That was a really good one, Kellyeeeeee! I recently got to do that with a teacher I found on Facebook. I think any teacher would appreciate knowing they had a good influence on someone!
    How sick of me are you that I have to give you 86 Es at the end of your name?
     
    Juneeeeee

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  17. Kelly! AWESOME RAK! Awsome!
    June ~ I am sorry. Really. I do feel bad…after I wrote that comment I thought, “you should have worded that differently. That sounded….rude.” What I should have said was “is that a twin bed you and Marvin share? How COZY!”. And now I do feel bad.
    Boy, I keep inserting my own foot in my own mouth, now don’t I? I suppose better than in Santa Porn Star’s round mouth.
    Please don’t hate me June. I am needy this time of year.

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  18. Years ago, I had a Dalmation named Howard. He thunked he was smarter than he could back up with IQ points. In trying to be sneaky, he would nap on the love seat in front of the FULL LENGTH window by the front door. You know, so he could escape to the full and upright position upon my arrival. Every day, I would come home and see those spotted jammie legs flung over the arm of the couch. Inside he would be dutifully waiting, a smug grin on his face.
    He did the same thing with bagels and cream cheese. Whenever you got back with a piping hot cup of Joe, there was Howard, across the room, sitting politely, a smear of white spooge on his lips and your slimy bagel on the coffee table where you left it.
    Zoe, our lab, is thankfully without guile. Neither was ever allowed in bed. The Pappies? Would die of horror is we treated them like that. Simone sleeps on Terra’s head. Zali behind my knees and Aida on the pillow by my head.
    Whew! I’m done.

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  19. Years ago, I had a Dalmation named Howard. He thunked he was smarter than he could back up with IQ points. In trying to be sneaky, he would nap on the love seat in front of the FULL LENGTH window by the front door. You know, so he could escape to the full and upright position upon my arrival. Every day, I would come home and see those spotted jammie legs flung over the arm of the couch. Inside he would be dutifully waiting, a smug grin on his face.
    He did the same thing with bagels and cream cheese. Whenever you got back with a piping hot cup of Joe, there was Howard, across the room, sitting politely, a smear of white spooge on his lips and your slimy bagel on the coffee table where you left it.
    Zoe, our lab, is thankfully without guile. Neither was ever allowed in bed. The Pappies? Would die of horror is we treated them like that. Simone sleeps on Terra’s head. Zali behind my knees and Aida on the pillow by my head.
    Whew! I’m done.

    Like

  20. Years ago, I had a Dalmation named Howard. He thunked he was smarter than he could back up with IQ points. In trying to be sneaky, he would nap on the love seat in front of the FULL LENGTH window by the front door. You know, so he could escape to the full and upright position upon my arrival. Every day, I would come home and see those spotted jammie legs flung over the arm of the couch. Inside he would be dutifully waiting, a smug grin on his face.
    He did the same thing with bagels and cream cheese. Whenever you got back with a piping hot cup of Joe, there was Howard, across the room, sitting politely, a smear of white spooge on his lips and your slimy bagel on the coffee table where you left it.
    Zoe, our lab, is thankfully without guile. Neither was ever allowed in bed. The Pappies? Would die of horror is we treated them like that. Simone sleeps on Terra’s head. Zali behind my knees and Aida on the pillow by my head.
    Whew! I’m done.

    Like

  21. Excellent, Kellyeeeeeeeeee!!
    I am proud to have you as my RAoK partner!
    You know, what you may think is small and insignificant, may be really big to someone else. Especially a recipient. So don’t discount these acts.
    It is the thought that counts.
    See how original I was there? I should market that…

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  22. Somehow my 30 pound dog manages to take up the whole bed too. Apparently she sleeps best if her butt is almost touching my face. At least she’s one of those tail-down dogs. What if she was a Basenji?

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  23. Y’all’s dog stories are cracking me up! Linda in CO’s dog pretending to lead the way, and Furry Mamma’s dog licking the cream cheese off the bagel… wow… dogs rule!
    Great RAK, Kellye!

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  24. Couple of things…
    Our dog is never allowed to sleep on the beds or furniture. Occasionally I will come downstairs first thing in the morning and find tell tale evidence that she has been on the couch. (Fur… everywhere, couch cushions… everywhere). My sister, not Lee, the other one, tells me I am mean and cruel and unusual. Maybe, but I am certainly the Alpha.
    Hulk… You can’t beat children when they get in your bed??? Oops.
    Lee… Needy this time of year??? This time of year??? Really.

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  25. Lula is an amazingly photogenic dog even with her eyes closed.
    My now deceased, best dog ever Dinah, used to hide a wrapped, cream soda flavored dum dum sucker under my pillow. I’d pull it out every night until it would get ratty and throw it away. A couple of nights later a new sucker would be there. She must have hidden a cache of kids Halloween candy that I was never able to find. Cream Soda was her favorite flavor.

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  26. My wheaten terrier thinks she is human. She insists on having her head on a pillow (my pillow) when she sleeps. I start to burn up with her next to me and make her get down at our feet. When I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she lays horizontal on my pillow and refuses to move. My husband thinks its so funny. She definitely wears the pants in our family:)

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  27. Duffylou, I’ll swap a dead bird under my pillow for that cream soda flavored dum dum sucker under yours. In fairness to Roxie, I think she found it in the yard and was just trying to keep it safe and warm. (I wouldn’t have found it before I got into bed, except she kept trotting back to the bedroom all night. I finally went to see what she was up to and she was lying by the little bird, patting it on its little head.)
    Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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  28. Speaking of farting dogs, the only story I have about that subject is also Howard the Dalmation related. I had hardwood floors that someone had ingeniously installed about six inches over the slab. Needless to say, they were loud. Howard would be sitting there, minding his own beeswax when he’d let out a bass trombone. Poor Howard would leap around, smelling for the intruder under the floorboards.
    Eventually, he would come sit by me. Suspiciously rechecking the offending spot for signs of life. He’d look at me, the spot, back to me.
    That Howard was a real comedian. I could go on for days. But I won’t. You are welcome.

    Like

  29. Speaking of farting dogs, the only story I have about that subject is also Howard the Dalmation related. I had hardwood floors that someone had ingeniously installed about six inches over the slab. Needless to say, they were loud. Howard would be sitting there, minding his own beeswax when he’d let out a bass trombone. Poor Howard would leap around, smelling for the intruder under the floorboards.
    Eventually, he would come sit by me. Suspiciously rechecking the offending spot for signs of life. He’d look at me, the spot, back to me.
    That Howard was a real comedian. I could go on for days. But I won’t. You are welcome.

    Like

  30. Speaking of farting dogs, the only story I have about that subject is also Howard the Dalmation related. I had hardwood floors that someone had ingeniously installed about six inches over the slab. Needless to say, they were loud. Howard would be sitting there, minding his own beeswax when he’d let out a bass trombone. Poor Howard would leap around, smelling for the intruder under the floorboards.
    Eventually, he would come sit by me. Suspiciously rechecking the offending spot for signs of life. He’d look at me, the spot, back to me.
    That Howard was a real comedian. I could go on for days. But I won’t. You are welcome.

    Like

  31. Ok… the sheets match Marv’s ever so rosy cheeks, unless he is dressed for some kind of role playing thing later…anyway. I don’t think thats how Talu rolls. You cannot see the upper bunk from the picture angle…trust me.
    Anyway, I get the little tiny old grandma whiskery hairs that totally populate her face around her lips and bad doggy breather thing from Lucy when she wakes up, right on my upper lip and its that tickley annoyingly gonna make you tickle laugh and sneeze thing, along with the bad breath. Its a waker-upper.

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  32. Dawn, we had the yang for your yin when we were kids. Tuffy Marie would, faithfully each morning, deposit a bird (or, if she was feeling creative, a squirrel) head upon my doorstep. Ah, the good old days.
    And June, about that Dr.Beiber in LA. I hear by the Memphis Mafia grapevine that he was trained by Dr. Nick, who kept Elvis stoned for the last 10 years of his life, thankewveramuch.
    And Hulk, no sense sparing the rod. Of course, with kids these days, you might well find yourself thrashed by your rod or skewered on your own petard. Perhaps just living with it might be the better career move.
    God, I love this neighborhood. Oh, and I told my boss today that I was outta here in January. My assistant and I have a standing routine that we have done for the past year or so. Whenever I leave for lunch, I say “I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.” Today, I told her that I really was. She cried; I cried. Pretty much the whole office was all like boo hoo. I will miss the people; I will not miss the bosses.

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  33. hold on…stroms, ummmmm lucious, drippy, sweet, and oh so rosy…Marv rubbed stroms on his cheeks! hmmm funfest Junie.

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  34. RAK alert…
    After my volleyball game tonight we went out to a local establishment. My bill came to $8 and some change. I paid it and then tipped our waitress $5. She tried to give me change and kept asking me if I was sure when I told her no. I know… no big spender… it’s not like I tipped her $100 but she appreciated it.

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  35. Excuse me a second: I want to nom on Hen-Hen’s feetsies. Oh nom nom nom.
    Okay. I’m done.
    I just adore seeing pictures of animals. Lulu’s face is priceless in that photo.
    I used to call strawberries “jalopies”. Have no idea why.

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  36. Thanks, June, for reminding me of my favorite penguin cup, which The Cowgirl (teenage daughter) ruined by putting said cup in the dishwasher.
    Merry Christmas to you, too.
    (Note: the above post is my attempt at humorous sarcasm. How did I do, y’all?)

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