Carlos V

I was lying in bed last night with yet another migraine and somehow the story of Carlos V popped into my rather hurty head and I do not know why. But now I will tell it to all of you and your head can hurt.

Morehenrylessmug

(By the way, I ran out of original Christmas coffee mugs to show you. Today is Marvin's last day of school for the year, so maybe some kid will bring us a new one. We got a really super cool polka-dot throw from someone at his school yesterday and I'm a little unnaturally excited by it. But it's so fun! And soft! And blankety!)

Anyway, Carlos V.

For most of our time in Los Angeles, Marvin and I lived in Silverlake, which was a really cool neighborhood where men wore skirts and women had leopard spots in their hair and sometimes you'd see one person with a steel bar around their neck with a chain that connected to the other person's nose. We loved living there.

In the last two years, however, we were forced to move to Burbank, because we had drama at our apartment and we could no longer afford our now-super-trendy neighborhood.

Burbank is five miles from Silverlake, and also 9,000 miles. It is totally white bread, with clean, safe, tidy neighborhoods, and oh I hated it at first. The one good part was that we had tons of kids trick-or-treating at Halloween. As you can imagine, our old neighborhood was not teeming with kids.

My first Halloween in Burbank, I ran out of candy. And as you know, my kitchen is not a place where you can go fake a treat. "Here, kid. It's a Lean Cuisine! Just three minutes in the microwave and you get two vegetable servings!"

I will never forget the forlorn look on the little girl's face who was climbing my porch that night. "Honey, I just ran out of candy. I'm running to R. Please come back."

R was the convenience store on the end of our block. All the other letters on their sign had faded except the R, and we had no idea what it was really called.

R was a ludicrous convenience store. Despite Burbank being so white bread, it was still Los Angeles, so it was still more ethnically diverse than, say, Appleton Wisconsin. I mean, our neighbors on one side were from the Philippines, and the neighbors on the other side were from Laos. They had two beautiful German shepherds, the Laotians did, named Queenie and Haaanh-Haa. Okay, the second one's name was not really Haaaanh-Haa, or maybe it was. We'd hear them calling those dogs (they had been imported from Germany. Did I mention they were beautiful?) in the back yard and it sounded like, "Queenie! Haaanh-Haaaa!" We could NOT figure out what they were saying for the second one.

Sometimes we'd make up names for the second one when we heard them call. "Queenie! Half-shelf!" we'd say, or "Queenie! Hat rack!" No idea what that second dog's name was.

So, the owner of R had, you know, stuff you'd expect to see there, like soda and mayonnaise and Kotex, and then there'd be those saint candles to cater to his Hispanic crowd, Asian groceries, Indian groceries, do rags, and even those picks for your hair where the handle is actually shaped like a fist. When is the last time you've seen one of those? Did this guy go to the set of Room 222 for those picks?

There was also, at R, a fine selection of foreign pornography, which I bought often because I thought they made highLARious hostess gifts. And do you know every time I bought, say, Polish Playboy, the owner was visibly disgusted with me? Look, bub, YOU'RE the one who has supplied me with Latvian Girls Gone Wild. Why blame ME for purchasing your wares?

This story is never-ending. I hope you had nowhere to go today.

So it's Halloween, I DASH to the corner to R, and he has no bags of Halloween candy. Sure, you've got 18 copies of PentCasa, but no Halloween candy.

He did, however, have for 25 cents apiece, these small candy bars called Carlos V. They had a picture of a king on them, who I imagine was old Carlos. The fifth. I bought as many of them as I could.

Carlos
When I returned to the house, Marvin was appalled. "What is this weird candy you've bought for the children? Where was this even MADE?" But I tell you what, one of the kids actually said, "Ooo! Carlos V!" He must have lived somewhere near R.

The point is, Marvin was obsessed with Carlos V, and every once in awhile he'd tape a wrapper of Carlos V somewhere for me to find: inside a cupboard, say, or on the medicine cabinet.

Months later, I was applying for a job where I insisted I knew how to create websites, and thank all that is holy they never called me, because you all know how it gets around here when you ask me to make a button. Marvin, who has his own website and no you may not look at it because it has our real names, got on said website to show me how to make headlines and such.

He removed his regular headline for one of his pages and showed me how by creating a new head which read, "June eats Carlos V's arse all day."

The only funny part about this story is, like, FIVE months later, his best friend called Marvin to ask why his website's header was "June eats Carlos V's arse all day." We had forgotten to remove said head.

Really, that was the longest story ever. And such a rewarding ending!

I am totally gonna do a Carlos V giveaway.

49 thoughts on “Carlos V

  1. Karen Valentine’s favorite color was orange, as I recall from whatever teen mag I was reading. It was something like, “An unusually strong color choice for women”, which had me wondering about male colors and female colors for YEARS! And yeah, her name was cool!

    Like

  2. Jessica,
     
    McMuffin! That was the last birds name. And I forgot their nest was made from German shepherd fur! Oh, you poor thing. Youre in 2007 and 2009 at the same time. Like that bad movie with Sandra Bullock and Bill and Ted, whatever his name is.

    Like

  3. Carlos V. What a riot. I did not know he was King of All That Is Chocolate.
    I think he is one of those Hapsburg kings whose name is Carlos V if you look at it through one ancestral line and Louis XIV if you look another way. That stuff always makes my head spin.
    I know there is a building at the Alhambra in Granada, Spain that has something to do with him, but I never bought the ticket that includes that part.

    Like

  4. You tell the best stories. I am in the middle of reading Bye Bye, Buy, and oh, I’m snorting all over the house forcing others to listen to hilarious “Bye Bye, Pie” cause that’s your name at my house. Anywho. Remember that the fur of those German shepherds were used to warm up a clever mama bird’s nest (for Shelly, Omelet, Benedict, and… what was the other one’s name?)? It may be old school to you, but new to me, and oh am I chuckling.
    It’s hard keeping the facts straight reading both blogs though- I gotsta tell you. You mentioned getting your hair done the other day, and I was thinking, “No!! You have saved $10,000. Stay strong.”

    Like

  5. OMG, how did you pick Appleton, WI? I grew up right next to it. In fact, Appleton was where I used my friend’s older sister’s ID in order to get into the cool under-21 dance clubs before I was 18. I know. Rebel.
    Aside from Lawrence U, you’re right, less diverse than LA burbs.

    Like

  6. I’m glad there is no one left at the office because I am laughing out loud! There is really something hysterical about Carlos V, I think it’s his face.

    Like

  7. that Toastmaster instructor that committed hara-kiri?? You took his class, didn’t you?

    Like

  8. June, I am totally inviting you to my next party. My friends never bring me PentCasa. We have about 15 bottles of tequila, which neither of us drink because Kevin likes bourbona nd I can’t drink tequila anymore after Cinquo de Mayo 2005, but we have no PentCasa.

    Like

  9. Sorry Carlos V, but your chocolate probably tastes like it came out of your arse. Nestle is a hot waxy tasting mess.
    I’ll take the Hershey highway instead.
    I guess that’s a new take on the King who turned everything to gold. The King who shits chocolate seems much more interesting.

    Like

  10. Just got back from shopping, went by a bookstore and in the Amish book section were books by Rachel Beaver%%%, they had put the sale sticker over whatever was her last name, I commented loudly “Wow Amish Porn”. I got dirty looks from the folks in the large print section.

    Like

  11. Just got back from shopping, went by a bookstore and in the Amish book section were books by Rachel Beaver%%%, they had put the sale sticker over whatever was her last name, I commented loudly “Wow Amish Porn”. I got dirty looks from the folks in the large print section.

    Like

  12. Just got back from shopping, went by a bookstore and in the Amish book section were books by Rachel Beaver%%%, they had put the sale sticker over whatever was her last name, I commented loudly “Wow Amish Porn”. I got dirty looks from the folks in the large print section.

    Like

  13. Such a good post June! I love PentCasa, but really love Latvian Girls Gone Wild because the American version of those commercials crack me up. I can only imagine them in Latvian.

    Like

  14. First of all… I have never noticed Hen’s soul patch. Did it just start growing in now that puberty is upon him? Very handsome and manly.
    Was I the only one who thought the foreign porn would be specific to whatever country it was from? Maybe I am a racist but when June said Polish Playboy I had a vision of a meaty woman with her hair in a bun, kind of frizzing around her face, with a large nose. I’m thinking of all of the stereotypical images associated with different ethnicities. I know it’s wrong and totally not PC but that’s what I thought.
    Hulk~ I thought you were only into Gay Santa Porn.
    Good to see Statler Target Steve back among us. I was afraid he had left us for good after Starbuckgate.

    Like

  15. That is so funny. That wrapper cracks me up. “El Rey de los Chocolates” – “The King of the Chocolates”! Ha! They must be awesome. Did you try it – is it good? I’ll get I can find it in San Diego.

    Like

  16. “Room 222 is an American television comedy-drama produced by 20th Century Fox Television. The series aired on ABC from September 17, 1969, to January 11, 1974, for 112 episodes.”
    Thenkewveramuch.

    Like

  17. Nothing like remebrances of Karen Valentine, Junie you were still a toddler in 1969 when 222 came out… you and your liberal parents.

    Like

  18. Also? I just noticed that Carlos V looks a little like Barry Gibb. Perhaps this is why I was drawn to its milk-chocolate-style-bar goodness.

    Like

  19. I was just shopping? Which was a really good idea cause neither was anyone else? And it came to me. We did finally learn that other dogs name. It was Legend. Which Im telling you sounded like Hannh-haaanh! when they called him. 

    Like

  20. I’m pretty sure Haaanh-Haa means, “The Queen of the Chocolates” in Laotian. She was just using Queenie’s full title.

    Like

  21. Wait–I used to live in Silver Lake, and I was THAT girl (“one person with a steel bar around their neck with a chain that connected to the other person’s nose.”) I wonder where I misplaced that steel bar…

    Like

  22. Do you think Carlos V was the newest improved version of the original Carlos I, II, III, and IV? It does say “nuevo” on the package.
    Wow, I was way slow on the PentCasa thing. Penthouse was one of my favs as a younger guy since I do love the lesbian bling. Do hispanic men need their adults mags to be in spanish? Do women ever actually believe that we read the mags for the interesting articles?
    Thanks for the Target love yesterday. A lot of holiday plastics go on sale 12/27 after Navidad. We close at 7pm Christmas eve, so get your stuff and GET OUT!!! 🙂

    Like

  23. June, In Mexico those bars are called Carlos Quinto (keen-toe) which means “the fifth” oddly enough in Espanol. As in “I stayed home today and ate Charles the fifth. and his chocolate-y arse”.
    In keeping with my Mexican Spanish lesson, you could say PlayNino, or PlayChico or go wild and use PlayVaron.
    Sorry I can’t help you with Hustler. And I don’t know the names of any other porn mags, English or Spanish.

    Like

  24. ohmygoodness i must have not had enough coffee yet. took me all this long time to figure out pentcasa.
    okay…wait for it….
    hahahahahahaaaaaaaa….
    there ya go.

    Like

  25. Fay, thank you for appreciating the hilarity that is June. And I was TRYING to think up a “play[insert foreign name for boy here]” and I couldn’t think of one. Also, yes, Tallulah is back in bed. She’s not as young as she used to be, apparently. Plus also not to mention, I did taste Carlos V. And his arse. Neither were anything to write home about. “Dear mom, Ate Carlos V…”

    Like

  26. Maybe his name was Henry? I’m not seeing anyway you could make Carlos V into Haaanh-Haaa. But, what do I know? Maybe it was supposed to be Hookers and Blow.

    Like

  27. When I use to live in Venice we had a little store around the corner…. we called it “the little store around the corner” it too had a sign, “store”. I always liked the saints candles very decorative on the patio. Who is going to be first to say Carlos Vee?
    Pent casa yeppers funny, maybe Play nino?

    Like

  28. They have Carlos V bars at the Festive Latin Market across the street from our place.
    Did you ever try one? Was it good?
    PentCasa! BWAAAahahaha.

    Like

  29. “Milk Chocolate style bar.” Hahahahaha! That’s like on the aerosol can of cheese it says, “cheese flavored food product.”
    I really want to try one now.
    Oh, and it may be time for the topamax again. According to my calendar, this is your 4th migraine (or so) in the past couple months. Plus, now you don’t have to think because you don’t have to go to work! I LOVE how the puzzle pieces are fitting together! 🙂
    Wouldn’t it be weird if I actually kept a calendar to record the Gardens’ memorable moments? Ha!

    Like

  30. Carp, I thought you were gonna say when you opened the CarlosV there was a porno chocolate bar. Like you know a Big chocolate schlong.

    Like

Comments are closed.