The one where June makes fun of her groceries

Yesterday, I was supposed to receive a statistics textbook to proofread, which may lead to you wonder, HOW MANY EFFING STATISTICS TEXTBOOKS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD? And why do they all need proofreading? And I cannot answer those questions. All I can say is I’m not complaining.

About that, anyway. I would like to complain about the part where we’re on day one of Marvin Being Home for His Break and it’s already annoying. Twice I have tried to start this post and twice he has come in here to tell me important things, like his dream from last night and also to reiterate that normally at this time, he wouldn’t be here.

At any rate, I did not receive said book, and I kept thinking oh, the poor ***FedEx*** man must be busy, I’ll give it awhile and next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and also it was 9 p.m. and no book. So I must remember to alert Los Angeles, yes, the whole city, that my book did not arrive. But the woman I work with in LA does not get in until noon because hi, it’s LA, man, far out, and noon is 3:00 in the afternoon for me, and at 3:00 in the afternoon today I will be at a fancy tea with my friend the Other June.

So needless to say, I didn’t have any work to do yesterday. Sadly, I went to the outdoor MALL here, and that was a stellar idea. Because no one else decided to go there. Yeesch. And it’s not only an outdoor mall, it’s a HUGE outdoor mall, and inexplicably it’s divided into two parts. So people are forever telling you if a store is in the “old part” or the “new part.” I am not using air quotes. People really call it the old part and the new part and you are somehow supposed to know which part is old. And vice versa. Don’t you hate it when people say vicey-versa? And ying-yang? It’s YIN, folks, yin.

The old and new parts along with the yin and yang are divided by probably half a mile and several streets, so you have to drive from one to the other, which is why that entire area is clogged and berserk, and they have men in the street with orange jackets and whistles to direct traffic.

Naturally, I had to go to both parts, because life is ridiculous, and I was stuck in one of those situations where someone is backing up, someone is coming at you, and someone else has pulled up on your left and you just want to get your machine gun and knock everyone off. Is the FBI going to arrest me for saying that?

So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.

Everything is sad, honey, as my grandmother would say.

After that delightful and relaxing time, I came home and organized my food cupboards. I know. The fun never stops. And what I discovered was that we have 17,000 of everything.

GotanyvanillaI bake something maybe once every two years. Apparently, each time I decide we couldn’t possibly have any vanilla and I have to get more. I wonder what led me to spend the big bucks on the Spice Islands that one time?

Areweinitaly That no-carb diet is going great. Hey, pick up some thin spaghetti while you’re out.


You know how they say green tea is so good for you? I should just call that Edward vampire, because he’ll be the only friend I’ll have left when I’m still vibrant in 80 years. 


No, I’m sorry, I can’t lend you any oregano. I need it for my 79 boxes of thin spaghetti.

You’ll be relieved to hear I rearranged my spice cupboard and wrote a list of what spices we have, in alpha order, because apparently I have become not only a hoarder but also Monica on Friends.

Oh, but one last thing.


Marilyn Manson called. Wondered if we were decorating cookies together again this year.

83 thoughts on “The one where June makes fun of her groceries

  1. It’s hard for me to believe that no one else noticed the small error in this paragraph:
    So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.
    As much as I loved the visual of June driving with her head out the window like a dog, if the GIANT CHUNK of ice had been on the hood of the car, it would have slid onto the road. Methinks the GIANT CHUNK was on the roof of the car. Although, remembering that June drives a VW, I’m pondering now just how GIANT that chunk could have been!


  2. Plus, also, the women on a messageboard I used to frequent would type VIOLA, rather than voila and UPHAULED, rather than appalled. It was kinda cute the first time.


  3. I just pulled a Marvin.
    We just got back from New Orleans, and I HAD to catch up on 5 days worth of June’s blog. We were headed to do some last minute Christmas shopping and I told my husband to give me fifteen minutes. Well, an HOUR later I was still reading the comments and he was so irked. I thought to myself, I am Marvin, my husband is June.
    I really missed you guys.


  4. Laurie,
    My motto has always been “proof not lest ye be proofed”, because I think June would find MANY more of my mistakes than I would of hers. But I agree it is probably the roof, having had that pile of snow slide from the roof onto my windshield many times.


  5. June,
    WHY didn’t you also sort the your spices into regions of origin, type up an index so you can cross-reference (so that when you need an Italian flavor, but want something different than oregano), make a copy of it, keeping one taped to the spice cabinet door, and storing the other in a fire-proof box at least a hundred yards away from the original????


  6. But ya know that oregano is the “secret ingredient” right? Ask those who live in Mayberry…lol (and it may be fictional but it lives in my heart!!!)


  7. Thank you, Erin on the West Coast. I thought I was the only one who remembered to air my grievances and engage in feats of strength today.


  8. I, too, cleaned out my pantry (and fridge and freezer) last weekend, and threw away THREE lawn and leaf bags of expired food. Purge much? Now my pantry has OCD and everything is in its family group in a straight line. Monica would be proud. I almost took a picture to post next to it so my husband could see where to put everything, but caught myself, because I believe that would be one tiny step away from standing on a ledge somewhere, singing showtunes.
    Also, too, and hereforwith, back in the day when I was not home with two kids full time and taught elementary school, the teacher next door to me would always say “I wished” instead of “I wish.” “I wished I had brought my lunch today because they are cooking up roadkill in the cafeteria.” It got to the point where I would rather run a rusty fork up my veins than listen to an EDUCATOR speak incorrect grammar (and don’t get me started on schools who have errors in the newsletters they send home). As the daughter of a newspaper editor, I can easily develop a twitch over such things.


  9. I’m getting hives over the misuse of apostrophes on Christmas cards. (e.g., Merry Christmas from the Smith’s) “The Smith’s WHAT?” I keep saying (through gritted teeth). Please tell me I’m not alone.


  10. I feel your pain, Jess. Here in TN it is not at all uncommon to hear a teacher use woeful grammar on camera. I still remember how irksome it was to hear someone use “orientate” instead of “orient.” “Yeah, buddy, we got them freshmen orientated last week.” Grrrrr. Makes me want to get on that ledge and sing “Some Enchanted Evening” with you.


  11. June–Please have a “most sickening Christmas letter ever received” contest. I have a contender for the Grand Prize, which I’m hoping is not oregano because I have my own trunk-load.
    Right before my grandmother died, she kept buying charcoal briquettes and aluminum foil. I’m hoping that my collection of oregano AND bay leaves is not a sign of pending demise.


  12. off topic: my pet peeve of the day. go to lindsay is selling some cast-off clothing and something is described as being roughfulled, rather then ruffled. i guess someone knows a thing or two about lindsay lohan.


  13. My friend went to her grandmothers to make green Rice Krispie treats. Grandma had two nearly empty bottles of green food coloring and a third nearly full. Grandma could not remember ever using green food coloring but, hello, she had two nearly empty ones and a back-up emergency bottle.


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