The one where June makes fun of her groceries

Yesterday, I was supposed to receive a statistics textbook to proofread, which may lead to you wonder, HOW MANY EFFING STATISTICS TEXTBOOKS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD? And why do they all need proofreading? And I cannot answer those questions. All I can say is I’m not complaining.

About that, anyway. I would like to complain about the part where we’re on day one of Marvin Being Home for His Break and it’s already annoying. Twice I have tried to start this post and twice he has come in here to tell me important things, like his dream from last night and also to reiterate that normally at this time, he wouldn’t be here.

At any rate, I did not receive said book, and I kept thinking oh, the poor ***FedEx*** man must be busy, I’ll give it awhile and next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and also it was 9 p.m. and no book. So I must remember to alert Los Angeles, yes, the whole city, that my book did not arrive. But the woman I work with in LA does not get in until noon because hi, it’s LA, man, far out, and noon is 3:00 in the afternoon for me, and at 3:00 in the afternoon today I will be at a fancy tea with my friend the Other June.

So needless to say, I didn’t have any work to do yesterday. Sadly, I went to the outdoor MALL here, and that was a stellar idea. Because no one else decided to go there. Yeesch. And it’s not only an outdoor mall, it’s a HUGE outdoor mall, and inexplicably it’s divided into two parts. So people are forever telling you if a store is in the “old part” or the “new part.” I am not using air quotes. People really call it the old part and the new part and you are somehow supposed to know which part is old. And vice versa. Don’t you hate it when people say vicey-versa? And ying-yang? It’s YIN, folks, yin.

The old and new parts along with the yin and yang are divided by probably half a mile and several streets, so you have to drive from one to the other, which is why that entire area is clogged and berserk, and they have men in the street with orange jackets and whistles to direct traffic.

Naturally, I had to go to both parts, because life is ridiculous, and I was stuck in one of those situations where someone is backing up, someone is coming at you, and someone else has pulled up on your left and you just want to get your machine gun and knock everyone off. Is the FBI going to arrest me for saying that?

So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.

Everything is sad, honey, as my grandmother would say.

After that delightful and relaxing time, I came home and organized my food cupboards. I know. The fun never stops. And what I discovered was that we have 17,000 of everything.

GotanyvanillaI bake something maybe once every two years. Apparently, each time I decide we couldn’t possibly have any vanilla and I have to get more. I wonder what led me to spend the big bucks on the Spice Islands that one time?

Areweinitaly That no-carb diet is going great. Hey, pick up some thin spaghetti while you’re out.

Greenteaisgoodforyou

You know how they say green tea is so good for you? I should just call that Edward vampire, because he’ll be the only friend I’ll have left when I’m still vibrant in 80 years. 

Ohnooregano

No, I’m sorry, I can’t lend you any oregano. I need it for my 79 boxes of thin spaghetti.

You’ll be relieved to hear I rearranged my spice cupboard and wrote a list of what spices we have, in alpha order, because apparently I have become not only a hoarder but also Monica on Friends.

Oh, but one last thing.

Sidviciouscookies

Marilyn Manson called. Wondered if we were decorating cookies together again this year.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

83 thoughts on “The one where June makes fun of her groceries”

  1. I can’t relate to Carlos the fifth, but I can relate to buying-groceries-you-already-have. I just bought three bags of flour, only to find out that I had three other bags in the cabinet from Easter? Last Christmas? No idea. My son would love the black food coloring… every year, he combines all the Easter egg colors to make black and his eggs always look a little purple.

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  2. For me it’s seasoned rice vinegar. Every time I make that ramen noodle salad? With the rice vinegar? I figure I don’t have any. My husband has threatened me with I don’t know, something bad, if I bring home ONE MORE BOTTLE of seasoned rice vinegar.

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  3. You know another terrible thing people say, or rather, type? “WAH-LA!” aldsfuwoeirasdnfl;ajf it’s voila, kids. French.
    I don’t think I have multipes of anything but I do have this ridiculous habit of leaving my plates everywhere I go and then accusing my husband of making my plates dissapear. And then we go visit people and find one of my plates in each of thier houses from the last time I brought them some baked somethings.

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  4. What makes your labels get all nasty like that? Do male mice lift their legs and pee like dogs?
    Lovin the Beverly Hillbillies references. Don’t you hate when someone says lovin?

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  5. Honestly!! I just heard supposebly-Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Furry my darling-one last act of kindness for Christmas(although since my boss hasn’t even bothered to give us a subscription to the jelly of the month club, why I’m feeling so generous is a mystery) anyways a friend who is also a special needs teacher contacted a few of us regarding a family that was truly in need and provided us with a list of essentials and yes, I mean essentials that the family would appreciate. Purchased my entire list, plus threw in a couple of fun things for the children. One truly random act of kindness for my partner Furry. Happy Holidays.

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  6. Honestly!! I just heard supposebly-Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Furry my darling-one last act of kindness for Christmas(although since my boss hasn’t even bothered to give us a subscription to the jelly of the month club, why I’m feeling so generous is a mystery) anyways a friend who is also a special needs teacher contacted a few of us regarding a family that was truly in need and provided us with a list of essentials and yes, I mean essentials that the family would appreciate. Purchased my entire list, plus threw in a couple of fun things for the children. One truly random act of kindness for my partner Furry. Happy Holidays.

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  7. Honestly!! I just heard supposebly-Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Furry my darling-one last act of kindness for Christmas(although since my boss hasn’t even bothered to give us a subscription to the jelly of the month club, why I’m feeling so generous is a mystery) anyways a friend who is also a special needs teacher contacted a few of us regarding a family that was truly in need and provided us with a list of essentials and yes, I mean essentials that the family would appreciate. Purchased my entire list, plus threw in a couple of fun things for the children. One truly random act of kindness for my partner Furry. Happy Holidays.

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  8. Hey I did an act of kindness! Last night!
    I helped a woman with three tiny children, get her groceries to and into her car. She was teetering about and having a hard time, and one of the kids was attached to her leg. Cuteness. 🙂
    I too, do the buying-groceries-I-already-have thing. Thin spaghetti noodles are one of my things. Another is pickles. But then again, one really can’t have too many pickles, can one?

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  9. Speaking of things people say that irritate you; someone fairly close to me has started using “conversate” in place of “talking with” or “speaking to” or whatever this person USED TO use before being sucked into the vortex of stupidity. I have tried nicely to point it out but to do more might not work. I reeeeeeeeeaaaalllllyyy HATE that word. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
    I have similar large quantities of sundry items in my pantry. You are not alone. I have this horrible tendency to buy 3 or 4 boxes of tea every time I go to the store because I do love tea and want to try every single flavor and brand out there, apparently. Last December I put myself on a “tea hoarding challenge” and have not bought any more tea this whole calendar year. Guess what? I still have some teas left. It’s not my fault that i want to try a new tea and it only comes in a package with 50 or 60 bags. I do feel really good that I have whittled my tea stash right down to a svelte normal person’s tea cabinet.
    So, whatever happened to the FedEx man?
    Oh, and whenever you feel the urge to poke Marvin’s eyes out, go look at that new pic of the two of you when you were in young love. That should give him an hour or two reprieve, right?
    Off to the kitchen! Those tamales will not make themselves. : )

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  10. Black vanilla spagetti with extra oregano, and a large green tea to go, please…
    Oh, and a side order of tuna Cheezits, for my friend here…

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  11. My cat before Simon was named Oregano and I’m just now realizing how fortuitous it is that I didn’t have him cremated upon his demise. That would’ve been one ass-nasty tomato sauce, had the jars gotten mixed up.

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  12. My cat before Simon was named Oregano and I’m just now realizing how fortuitous it is that I didn’t have him cremated upon his demise. That would’ve been one ass-nasty tomato sauce, had the jars gotten mixed up.

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  13. My cat before Simon was named Oregano and I’m just now realizing how fortuitous it is that I didn’t have him cremated upon his demise. That would’ve been one ass-nasty tomato sauce, had the jars gotten mixed up.

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  14. Why do I always forget that I get annoyed when I show my cupboards or fridge or bookshelves, because then everyone stampedes to criticize said pantry items or books or whatev? I do it to myself all the time.

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  15. I finally had an epiphany regarding my pantry filling obsession: my Mother hordes her money and obsessively saves it, I horde pantry items and obsessively save them. There I feel better for having said that in front of you all (or y’all for our Southern speaking audience). Once something goes into my freezer or pantry, I am loathe to use it and many time things get thrown out instead of consumed. Now that I realize I have this issue, I am working on it.
    Why couldn’t I have had my Mother’s issue around money?
    Now, having said that, I will be the big person and offer to take any of your extras to get them out of your pantries…

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  16. Can’t lend you my oregano cause I have 89 boxes of spaghetti….cracked me up. I could do the same with my pantry items but that would require cleaning out the pantry and really? Who has time the day before the day before Christmas? Oh yeah, June does.

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  17. I had to laugh a little! I was just at my Aunt’s house in Georgia and she has a similar oregano problem!
    Also, too? What drives me crazy are these stupid baby names that people have come up with. We know a couple who named their first born Paprika. Really? Ginger? Yes. Ginger is a name. Paprika? Uh, no. Not so much.
    Other friends named their girl Sabina. Saah-BYE-na. Do you see that it rhymes with an anatomical girl part? Oh, no…she will not be teased AT ALL!
    Why do this to your children, I ask?

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  18. WTG Paula H; you’re killin’ me with the ass-nasty tomato sauce comment. I’ll give you the rest of my life to stop doing that!
    Speaking of killin’, we had the Rhodes College drinking team over to the house after work last night. Since it was my last real day of work there, I was totally spoiling for a throwdown (thankfully, nothing was thrown up) and my teammates were similarly inclined. The Furry G made salmon dip and did some cheese magic tricks and we all visitated (just to be annoying) for damn near 4 hours. We killed off several large bottles of wine, all the bourbon, and La La brought some of those nasty little lite beers that she drinks with a straw. I am so in the Christmas mood now.

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  19. Really? YIN yang.
    Thanks June, I have learned something new.
    Right with you MA Pal on stupid kid names. And stupid name spellings. And weird pronounciations. I once ‘met’ a person online who’s name is Jynice. I asked her how to pronounce it and she never responded. I was horrified because I figured it was Ji (rhymes with guy) and Nis (rhymes with miss) which sounds a lot like vagina and I just knew I would accidentally call her vagina. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who then decided that a ‘jynice’ is the area between a person’s vagina and anus. I am really looking forward to meeting her now.
    Oh…June…maybe you should have a spaghetti dinner for all your friends for the holidays?

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  20. Beloved commen-taters, please, please keep up the usual high level comments. I really need some giggles and this blog is going to be my first stop when I pass by a computer. June, hubby does most of our grocery shopping and he must be shopping for you too. Our cupboards are full of duplicates so you must be getting our overflow. Rock on everyone, you’re the best!

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  21. Paula 23, Supposably IS a word (I had to look it up to verify that) but I would never use it either. I had a boss who used it A LOT and I used to feel incredibly superior to her until I looked it up.
    I went thru my cabinet a while back and tossed some 30-year-old spices. Cook much?

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  22. My biggest pet peeve is when people say “I seen the paper yesterday.” You saw the paper yesterday, moron! Why yes, I live in the south, why do you ask?

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  23. Monica Geller, you can also admit to us that you broke out the label maker and organized everything alphabetically, too.

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  24. Shut up!! Supposebly is a word, like instead of saying “supposedly I love to quit my job??”

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  25. I can totally empathize. My ex-assboyfriend would go buy a new Dremmel tool everytime he had to use one. When I kicked his ass to the curb we found 14, YES FOURTEEN, Dremmel tool kits complete with all the little grinders and wheelie thingies. Oh and did I mention he had NO job and lived in MY house and bought them with MY credit cards. Bitter? No why do you ask?

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  26. Well, it is a word, but they are not using it in the right context! Ah ha! p.s. since I can’t spell today-I meant “supposedly I would love to quit my job” Okay, okay, how about people who use than instead of then. I have a couple of “friends” of facebook that do this one. Wish I had a big red pen! Okay, heading back to my ungrateful job, really. Still feeling grump

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  27. Totally saw a giant box of Carlos V yesterday at Sam’s Club and took a picture of it before I realized I did not know where to send it, and can’t post it here. Oops. Anyway, I totally have an alphabetized list of my spices, because every spice cupboard I have ever had is so deep that I can never see all the way to the back and I am usually too lazy to pull everything out to look at it the one time a year I want to use herbs de Provence.

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  28. Before I read the rest of comments…
    OK, OK, I KNOW!!! I was the one who used the spelling Wa-La for voila a few weeks ago. I HONESTLY did not know it was a real word. Like Ta-Da. WAIT!!! Don’t tell me… Ta-da is really spelled taudau. GREAT! I am now ashamed and embarrassed.
    MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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  29. June, I feel your frustration with Marvin hanging around. When my hubby is off work, he doesn’t understand that I have a routine and his idea of my routine and MY idea are two very different things.
    Terraplane, who drinks beer out of a straw?? That’s just weird. And wrong. So very wrong.
    When my daughter first started playing hockey, she would ask which team were they “versing” for that day’s game.

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  30. June, I feel your frustration with Marvin hanging around. When my hubby is off work, he doesn’t understand that I have a routine and his idea of my routine and MY idea are two very different things.
    Terraplane, who drinks beer out of a straw?? That’s just weird. And wrong. So very wrong.
    When my daughter first started playing hockey, she would ask which team were they “versing” for that day’s game.

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  31. June, I feel your frustration with Marvin hanging around. When my hubby is off work, he doesn’t understand that I have a routine and his idea of my routine and MY idea are two very different things.
    Terraplane, who drinks beer out of a straw?? That’s just weird. And wrong. So very wrong.
    When my daughter first started playing hockey, she would ask which team were they “versing” for that day’s game.

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  32. I have 5 boxes of pasta in my pantry. All of them 1/4 full, three angel hair, one linguine, one penne.
    I also just brought home a dozen eggs Monday night and my hubby asked why I got more eggs. I told him I needed them for cookies and that I only have 1/2 dozen in the fridge. He then reminded me I had just bought a dozen THE DAY BEFORE.
    I have three 5 lb. bags of sugar and two 5 lb. bags of flour. I kept forgetting that I picked them up WITHIN THE PAST WEEK.
    And BTW, Monica Gellar is my hero.

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  33. First, Happy Festivus to all! Now, June, some of us were born to be spaghetti noodle horders. I believe it’s a recessive gene on the mother’s side.
    I hate when people use your instead of you’re. A friend on Facebook had a comment on her status where the person used higher instead of hire. It was my ROaK not to publicly mock him since he is a teacher. Check out this RAoK: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/12/23/dnt.gas.for.strangers.wreg
    And in conclusion, I want to go to Terraplane’s parties. How does one get on the Rhodes Drinking Team? Are there tryouts?

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  34. Lord help your marriage if Marvin ever retires.
    I spent about a year where, every time I went to the grocery store, I thought I needed salt. I don’t know why. I ended up with a lot of salt. And now? I always forget to buy it, because I’m thinking that I still have a salt backlog at home. But I don’t.

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  35. why haven’t you been smoking the oregano, like any normal person?
    are you trying to be a bogart around the holidays?
    i’ve got papers and a lighter, so we would be in business!

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  36. First, where did you get BLACK food coloring? It’s so cool! I’ve not seen it in my neck of the woods.
    Second, for what purpose did you use the black food coloring?
    I have a good friend that is a Branch manager for quite a large company. He was brought up in a rural part of Indiana. There are times when a done did it or kidses comes out. Although he has stopped saying warshing machine.

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  37. June, only you can make a post about cleaning out your pantry funny and interesting. You always make my day. Merry Christmas!

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  38. Hey! Who is that other Lee up there? That was not me, Lee, sissy to Jan. Perhpas I should always sign my posts, Lee, Jan’s sissy.

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  39. First of all: Kelly, I concur about the wrongosity of drinking beer with a straw. However, on the Rhodes Drinking Team we are all about the quirks and eccentricities. It is, after all, how you qualify for the team. Except for Erin on the West Coast, who is now an honorary member of the team. It is a RAK which was easy to do, granted with a wave of my royal hand. Here’s to her and here’s towards her; if we never knew her, we would have never knowed her. Bottoms up, especially those reeking of cloves. You know who you are.

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  40. I would have commented earlier but I WAS TOO HUNGOVER. The Rhodes College Drinking team will be the end of me. It was so much fun though that one guy’s wife called to ask what we did because he spent the night laughing in his sleep.
    You should have been there on Dirty Martini Night. Ow. I think my liver actually cringed a little.
    Oh and Paula? If your ass doesn’t smell of Christmas Ham, does it reek of snotty French college student? ‘Cause that would so get you on the Drinking Team.

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  41. I would have commented earlier but I WAS TOO HUNGOVER. The Rhodes College Drinking team will be the end of me. It was so much fun though that one guy’s wife called to ask what we did because he spent the night laughing in his sleep.
    You should have been there on Dirty Martini Night. Ow. I think my liver actually cringed a little.
    Oh and Paula? If your ass doesn’t smell of Christmas Ham, does it reek of snotty French college student? ‘Cause that would so get you on the Drinking Team.

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  42. I would have commented earlier but I WAS TOO HUNGOVER. The Rhodes College Drinking team will be the end of me. It was so much fun though that one guy’s wife called to ask what we did because he spent the night laughing in his sleep.
    You should have been there on Dirty Martini Night. Ow. I think my liver actually cringed a little.
    Oh and Paula? If your ass doesn’t smell of Christmas Ham, does it reek of snotty French college student? ‘Cause that would so get you on the Drinking Team.

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  43. Sorry my brain is still a might pickled from the Funfest.
    Partner Paula! I almost forgot to tell you that what you did for that family is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! (((Hugs))) You’re the best.

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  44. Sorry my brain is still a might pickled from the Funfest.
    Partner Paula! I almost forgot to tell you that what you did for that family is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! (((Hugs))) You’re the best.

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  45. Sorry my brain is still a might pickled from the Funfest.
    Partner Paula! I almost forgot to tell you that what you did for that family is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! (((Hugs))) You’re the best.

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  46. It’s hard for me to believe that no one else noticed the small error in this paragraph:
    So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.
    As much as I loved the visual of June driving with her head out the window like a dog, if the GIANT CHUNK of ice had been on the hood of the car, it would have slid onto the road. Methinks the GIANT CHUNK was on the roof of the car. Although, remembering that June drives a VW, I’m pondering now just how GIANT that chunk could have been!

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  47. Plus, also, the women on a messageboard I used to frequent would type VIOLA, rather than voila and UPHAULED, rather than appalled. It was kinda cute the first time.

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  48. I just pulled a Marvin.
    We just got back from New Orleans, and I HAD to catch up on 5 days worth of June’s blog. We were headed to do some last minute Christmas shopping and I told my husband to give me fifteen minutes. Well, an HOUR later I was still reading the comments and he was so irked. I thought to myself, I am Marvin, my husband is June.
    I really missed you guys.

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  49. Laurie,
    My motto has always been “proof not lest ye be proofed”, because I think June would find MANY more of my mistakes than I would of hers. But I agree it is probably the roof, having had that pile of snow slide from the roof onto my windshield many times.

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  50. June,
    WHY didn’t you also sort the your spices into regions of origin, type up an index so you can cross-reference (so that when you need an Italian flavor, but want something different than oregano), make a copy of it, keeping one taped to the spice cabinet door, and storing the other in a fire-proof box at least a hundred yards away from the original????

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  51. But ya know that oregano is the “secret ingredient” right? Ask those who live in Mayberry…lol (and it may be fictional but it lives in my heart!!!)

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  52. Thank you, Erin on the West Coast. I thought I was the only one who remembered to air my grievances and engage in feats of strength today.

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  53. I, too, cleaned out my pantry (and fridge and freezer) last weekend, and threw away THREE lawn and leaf bags of expired food. Purge much? Now my pantry has OCD and everything is in its family group in a straight line. Monica would be proud. I almost took a picture to post next to it so my husband could see where to put everything, but caught myself, because I believe that would be one tiny step away from standing on a ledge somewhere, singing showtunes.
    Also, too, and hereforwith, back in the day when I was not home with two kids full time and taught elementary school, the teacher next door to me would always say “I wished” instead of “I wish.” “I wished I had brought my lunch today because they are cooking up roadkill in the cafeteria.” It got to the point where I would rather run a rusty fork up my veins than listen to an EDUCATOR speak incorrect grammar (and don’t get me started on schools who have errors in the newsletters they send home). As the daughter of a newspaper editor, I can easily develop a twitch over such things.

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  54. I’m getting hives over the misuse of apostrophes on Christmas cards. (e.g., Merry Christmas from the Smith’s) “The Smith’s WHAT?” I keep saying (through gritted teeth). Please tell me I’m not alone.

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  55. I feel your pain, Jess. Here in TN it is not at all uncommon to hear a teacher use woeful grammar on camera. I still remember how irksome it was to hear someone use “orientate” instead of “orient.” “Yeah, buddy, we got them freshmen orientated last week.” Grrrrr. Makes me want to get on that ledge and sing “Some Enchanted Evening” with you.

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  56. June–Please have a “most sickening Christmas letter ever received” contest. I have a contender for the Grand Prize, which I’m hoping is not oregano because I have my own trunk-load.
    Right before my grandmother died, she kept buying charcoal briquettes and aluminum foil. I’m hoping that my collection of oregano AND bay leaves is not a sign of pending demise.

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  57. off topic: my pet peeve of the day. go to lohanhouse.com. lindsay is selling some cast-off clothing and something is described as being roughfulled, rather then ruffled. i guess someone knows a thing or two about lindsay lohan.

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  58. My friend went to her grandmothers to make green Rice Krispie treats. Grandma had two nearly empty bottles of green food coloring and a third nearly full. Grandma could not remember ever using green food coloring but, hello, she had two nearly empty ones and a back-up emergency bottle.

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