Yesterday, I was supposed to receive a statistics textbook to proofread, which may lead to you wonder, HOW MANY EFFING STATISTICS TEXTBOOKS ARE THERE IN THE WORLD? And why do they all need proofreading? And I cannot answer those questions. All I can say is I’m not complaining.
About that, anyway. I would like to complain about the part where we’re on day one of Marvin Being Home for His Break and it’s already annoying. Twice I have tried to start this post and twice he has come in here to tell me important things, like his dream from last night and also to reiterate that normally at this time, he wouldn’t be here.
At any rate, I did not receive said book, and I kept thinking oh, the poor ***FedEx*** man must be busy, I’ll give it awhile and next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and also it was 9 p.m. and no book. So I must remember to alert Los Angeles, yes, the whole city, that my book did not arrive. But the woman I work with in LA does not get in until noon because hi, it’s LA, man, far out, and noon is 3:00 in the afternoon for me, and at 3:00 in the afternoon today I will be at a fancy tea with my friend the Other June.
So needless to say, I didn’t have any work to do yesterday. Sadly, I went to the outdoor MALL here, and that was a stellar idea. Because no one else decided to go there. Yeesch. And it’s not only an outdoor mall, it’s a HUGE outdoor mall, and inexplicably it’s divided into two parts. So people are forever telling you if a store is in the “old part” or the “new part.” I am not using air quotes. People really call it the old part and the new part and you are somehow supposed to know which part is old. And vice versa. Don’t you hate it when people say vicey-versa? And ying-yang? It’s YIN, folks, yin.
The old and new parts along with the yin and yang are divided by probably half a mile and several streets, so you have to drive from one to the other, which is why that entire area is clogged and berserk, and they have men in the street with orange jackets and whistles to direct traffic.
Naturally, I had to go to both parts, because life is ridiculous, and I was stuck in one of those situations where someone is backing up, someone is coming at you, and someone else has pulled up on your left and you just want to get your machine gun and knock everyone off. Is the FBI going to arrest me for saying that?
So I’m waiting for everything to clear up when the GIANT CHUNK of ice and snow that had been on the hood of my car? Slid off and onto my windshield. So then I could see nothing. And it was too heavy to move with my windshield wipers. I had to roll down the window and drive with my head out, like a dog.
Everything is sad, honey, as my grandmother would say.
After that delightful and relaxing time, I came home and organized my food cupboards. I know. The fun never stops. And what I discovered was that we have 17,000 of everything.
I bake something maybe once every two years. Apparently, each time I decide we couldn’t possibly have any vanilla and I have to get more. I wonder what led me to spend the big bucks on the Spice Islands that one time?
You know how they say green tea is so good for you? I should just call that Edward vampire, because he’ll be the only friend I’ll have left when I’m still vibrant in 80 years.
No, I’m sorry, I can’t lend you any oregano. I need it for my 79 boxes of thin spaghetti.
You’ll be relieved to hear I rearranged my spice cupboard and wrote a list of what spices we have, in alpha order, because apparently I have become not only a hoarder but also Monica on Friends.
Oh, but one last thing.
Marilyn Manson called. Wondered if we were decorating cookies together again this year.