Amber is the color of your energy

I was putting away the Christmas decorations yesterday, and I found this photo in the attic.

Orangeaura

It's one of the nine million aura pictures I had taken through the years, because I know you will be shocked to learn they were easy to come by in LA. This time my aura was orange, like Henry. I know you can't read the words below, but they say, "Orange. Artistic, physical-creative expression, excitement.

That's me. Ms. Excitement. Indiana Junes.

And YES. I took the Christmas decorations down. The tree is in a bag. I used my fancy new plastic containers. Apparently my aura does not say, "Respects the earth." I also took a private jet to club a bunch of baby seals to hang on the fake tree next year. Then I tossed those plastic rings for six-packs into the ocean.

Oh! And speaking of killing everything, be sure to read Serena by Ron Rash this week, as it is our book club book (see Mince Words with June, over there on the right) and we meet January 3. Which is coming right up. Which means I need to buy a new calendar, and I don't know if I can find a calendar that physically and creatively excited me (see what I did there?) like this year's vintage Better Homes & Gardens calendar. Was obsessed with that one.

So, hey. Listen. If I were to, say, sell a Bye Bye, Pie mug, and it read: "I drink from my everyday mug every day," would you get that? Or would you be lost?

Let me know. Faithful Reader Paula from New York who likes Hookers and Blow suggested I have the mug say: "I read Bye Bye, Pie and all I got was this ding-dang mug." Which I also thought was funny.

Faithful Reader Hulk said it should read: "I will never tell you why I quit my job."

What say you?

Oh, and speaking of Faithful Reader Paula, she is our comment of the week. Go, Paula. All that blow makes her funny.

Now that my decorations are put up? Are red up, as my grandmother would say ("Help me red up the dishes"), I am going to clean my wood floors with my NEW STEAM CLEANER. You know the part where I got a little oddly excited about that Better Homes & Gardens calendar? It's nothing compared to the Dennis-Hopper-with-the-oxygen-mask excitement I have about the steam cleaner. DON'T YOU F$%&#*' LOOK AT ME!

Okay. Only funny if you saw Blue Velvet. And if you haven't, for the love of God don't see it. No one needs those images burned in their brain.

All right, I'm off. To steam some floors. See? I got a little thrill just typing that. Maybe my mug could just read: "I read about June getting oddly excited every day."

Oh! P.S. Tomorrow Marvin is guest posting. I do not know why. He just emailed me with, "Here's my guest post." We must have discussed this when I was in another of my blackouts. "I read about June's everyday blackouts every day."

64 Comments

  1. I too have lusted in my heart over the Shark steam mop! I about had to change my panties on Christmas morning after finally receiving the stand mixer I’ve been pining for forever AND a mandoline (the kitchen implement, not the musical instrument).

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  2. Dennis-Hopper-with-the-oxygen-mask excitement?
    You kill me.
    God, I HATED that movie. So disturbing.

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  3. Lisapie-
    I’m in Ft. Worth and yes would love a get-to-gether! Depending on how “deep” in the heart of Texas you are, we could stage a coffee break (with our new mugs) at the starbucks in Waco!…. At least theta a halfway point between ftw and Austin. Dawn- what do u say??

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  4. Lisa Pie… I know Deep in the Heart of Texas but I could not pass up the clap, clap, clap. I had to ask. Just like on Valentine’s day I have to wish everyone “Happy V.D.”. Veneral disease is never not funny. To me anyway.
    The stars at night are big and bright
    Deep in the Heart of Texas
    The prairie sky is wide and high
    Deep in the Heart of Texas…

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  5. All of the mugs sound great. And if you’re still looking for a 2010 calendar that inspires you? Go to calendars.com. Humungous selection!! I buy from them every year and didn’t have to pay shipping this year. Return customers got a free shipping coupon back in Oct.(?). Good luck!

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  6. I will buy any mug that you produce. Curious about the steam on the hardwoods. Have a Shark and only steam my tile.

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  7. I.don’t.know.where.to.start.
    You guys are so F*#$^% funny! See what I did there? I almost swore.
    The brown smoothie sent me into a fit of laughter and I accidentally passed gas. My husband looked at me in horror.
    Jan fathering a child with a washer inad dryer cracked me the hell on up. Oh dear. See? I swore.
    JUNE! I will buy buy buy a mug no matter what is on it….be it your mug, Marvin’s mug or Henry’s mug. I want a BYE BYE PIE mug. Now. Right now.
    Off subject…my husband just turned to me and said “Did you know Rain Man died?” I immediately teared up and exclaimed “Wa wa wa WHAT???” to which he replied, “yep. Kim Peek”. For the love of all that’s holy I thought he meant Dustin Hoffman. Pheww. What a relief. Apparently the REAL Rain Man is some dude named Kim Peek. Rather, was.

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  8. I want a mug that says, “They’re drinking from their everyday mugs every day over there.” And I can’t wait to discuss that evil, evil Serena.

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  9. I totally want a mug with each saying. But only if there’s a mug shot of June’s mug. On the mug. Maybe mine can say “I got mugged by that ding dang June Gardens.”
    I had wood floors in my old apartment and used to love to steam clean them. Best feeling in the world to the ol’ tootsies.

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  10. It could be redd up. I thought maybe it was short for ready, but then of course itd be read up. Sometimes you just wish your grandparents would stop being dead for a minute so you could ask these things.

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  11. Technically, MOM, that is a tank top. And I have a shrug over it. So its not really a bra strap. And if I were you, Id watch my Ps and URLs, if you know what I mean.

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  12. If you had a ding-dang everyday mug, I would drink from it ding-dang near every day. *IF* I did the dishes.
    I agree with the set of four idea mentioned above, with a different picture or slogan on each one. I guarantee there would be pictures of me using them. I mean, hello? A) Funny B) Interwebz inside jokes? I’m all over that. C) I have this strange fear of stuff breaking or print rubbing off or whatever, so I take pics of everything. I worry about shirts a lot. you know, the decals peeling off in the laundry. Anyone else have this irrational fear??
    Hmm… as usual, my comment went an entirely different direction from where I was trying to take it. Go figure.

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  13. Please, please write up a review about the Shark. I have almost bought one sooo many times.
    That’s why you were assigned the stupid orange edit pen. It matched your aura.

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  14. Replying to Joanie of Joanie and Spotte,
    I, too, have become crazy about sparkle and glitter in recent years.
    What’s that about? I just bought a silver sequin purse and shoes! I have nowhere on earth I can wear them in public but I just had to have them.

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  15. I would totally buy a cup. How cool would it be to “read you” while I drink my morning coffee from your cup? I like the everyday idea.

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  16. Yes to the mugs. Yes to the larger size. I do like the everyday/every day version.
    Sorry this comment is short and boring but efficient. 🙂

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  17. It has been 7 years since I bought my “new” washer and dryer set from Sears, and I am still madly in love with them. They are the hE3T, but they have upgraded in the stores to the he5T now. They are the best things since hookers and blow. I love, love, pink fluffy, sparkly fuzzy heart love them! So, I totally understand the new appliance adoration. That said, I am hesitant about you using steam on the wood floors. Be really careful and read all you can on the label of the Shark.
    What I have read about the Shark is that it is fab-u-licious on cleaning kitchen tile and bathroom tile and grout and vent-a-hoods where grease and stuff collects. I bet it would be really good on windows and then follow it up with a chamois to shine them.
    I would buy any or all of the mugs you might choose to sell us. And my vote is for bigger rather than smaller. I also don’t like to have to refill very often.
    I plan on being up really early and waiting on Marvin’s guest post. Oh happy day, we get to hear the “other side” of the story! : )

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  18. I like Paula’s ding-dang suggestion. It fits you. I firmly believe size matters…a LOT, so I would like the mug to be big enough so when I press the 2-coffee button on my ding-dang, fancy coffee machine, the coffee does not overflow. 2 cups is a crackalicious way to start your day. I would buy the Ugg boots, too.

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  19. I got a little lusty for a washer/dryer set at Sears yesterday. It was the kind that washes and dries in a ridiculously short amount of time. I then looked at my husband and said, How old am I? cause I am not old enough to be lusting after appliances.
    Steaming cleaning the floors sounds like heaven. There is something so rewarding about a clean home. And the smell! Oh I love the smell of a recently cleaned house. You must post how well the Shark works.

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  20. yes, yes, YES! an every day/everyday mug AND a “June candle” – the perfect accoutrements for the computer desk. Maybe the candle could have changing aura colors like mood rings – remember those? (oh, I’m getting so very old…)
    and with my advancing age I’ve developed “magpie syndrome” (a newfound love of all things sparkly and glittery) along with over-50 eyes so must have BIG printing and lots of glitz.

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  21. Indiana Junes! Bwahahahaha.
    I think your mug should say “I read June every day and LOVE ME some FedEx.” (Gotta keep your potential future sponsors happy).
    I love new appliances. When my hubby and I were shopping together I stopped to fondle and gaze at and stroke the new stoves at Sears. Then I turned my lustful eye to the steam cleaners both for wood floors and carpet and the fancy vacuums. I then practically fathered a child with the new washer and dryer I had been watching out of the corner of my eye. I don’t know why the sales men at Sears get nervous when I come in.

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  22. I am always on the lookout for good mugs, so I would buy an everyday/every day mug. And also I would buy the ding-dang mug, but could it say “ding and also dang” instead? Cuz I think you say that more, and I laugh every time you do.
    And maybe you could find a way to get the mug makers to include a printout of why you quit your job — that way it’s not posted on the Intarwebz but we all get our curiosity satisfied. Because can I tell you how much it is KILLING me that you haven’t told us that story??

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  23. I would totally buy (bye) a mug. And perhaps more to give as gifts with no explanation as to their hidden meanings.

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  24. I would definitely go for, “I drink from my everyday mug every day.” Awesome idea!
    I’ve had my picture taken at a home party here in Ohio, (we must be the LA of the mid-west), with an actual “aura” camera. Everyone’s aura was light pink or amber some had an orb of light. Mine was dark blue and purple with four orbs. The aura lady told me that meant I was spiritual and somewhat connected psychically and the orbs were my guardian angels. Freaked me out a bit that mine was completely different than all the rest.
    Blue Velvet is disturbing, but love me some Isabella Rossellini.

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  25. I can just see that aural picture of June on the side of one of those religious candles they sell at Family Dollar. Saint June, it looks like. And you should be sainted for all those RAKs done in your behalf.
    Also too, I would buy a mug or three or better yet, a set of four. Oh and I’d like them to be about the size of the snowman mugs from Dec. 13, please. Although size probably wouldn’t matter since I probably wouldn’t drink out of them anyway – I’d just look at them and giggle all day.
    (Did you ever explain the difference between since and because?)

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  26. I guess I bess write out my RAK’s lest my partner Fawn think I did not do any.
    I must say I do RAK’s all year long, but here are my special December ones:
    1. Took and treated an 85 year old lady to a Christmas Tour of Homes that was an hour from Atlanta in the town that she had grown up in, and had moved away from 60 years ago.
    It was like going down memory lane for her as she pointed out numerous points of interest such as where she got her first kiss, her high school, and the funeral home where her parents and all her siblings had been prepared for buriel.
    She told me the day had been one of the happiest days in years for her.
    2. When walking I saw a lady out in the cold hosing off a blue tarp. I asked her if she was going camping and she said no, that she had to paint her ceiling after a leak had been fixed. She was using the tarp to cover her furniture because she was going to use spray paint for the ceiling because she didn’t want to spend the money on a can of Kilz and a paint brush.
    I ran home and came back to her house with a can of Kilz, a paint stirrer, and a brush so that she could do her ceiling the proper, easier way, without detriment to her furniture.
    3. I bought Christmas toys for a children’s cancer hospital.

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  27. Happily, Christmas here runs from November 20 until January 7. The three wise men have now driven their red pickup truck from the bar into the kitchen (I understand this; sometimes it is good to stop drinking and have a bite to eat). They are parked under the small tree on the kitchen counter, one of 7 trees in the house (and one outside. Hey, we like Christmas).

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  28. Were all the Indians forced from their homes on the Trail of Tears also Italian? My world has been rocked.

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  29. Blue Velvet was such a disturbing movie. Right up there with Boxing Helena.
    One of my gay guy friends said he got a brown smoothie for Christmas. I screamed “Gross” at the top of my lungs into the phone. He explained that a smoothie was kind of like a snuggie, and that the color of his was brown! I felt a little foolish.

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  30. I can relate to your excitement about your steam cleaner. I was giddy with excitement when I got my Oreck vacuum last year. No one else is allowed to vacuum with it even yet.
    Indiana Junes — 🙂

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  31. I too enjoyed the Indiana Junes reference.
    As I watch you dump your toxic waste into the bag with your Christmakkah tree, I feel like the Native American standing next to the road as people throw garbage out of their cars. Too abstract? Google it.
    Since your mug idea will probably generate enough sales to start a line of mugs, don’t forget to include a subdivision for all your sponsors. You could hide arrows all over one and apparently I will never find them.

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  32. Roxie's Mom, commenting from not-so-Pleasantville where it is sunny but only 12 degrees and the dog still insists on going out for a walk, but there is not a cloud in the sky (again, too long?) says:

    “I read Bye Bye Pie every day and that ding dang June never ever told us about the pet psychic no matter how much we begged and groveled.” Too long?

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  33. A) Paula, sometimes it is pink. Your aura changes, you know. At least thats what they told me at the ever-reliable aura photo booth.
     
    2) Yes, Suburban, I just went out and paid $90 for a cleaner WITHOUT CHECKING to see if it was for wood floors. Yeesch. Its called a Shark. I have no idea what a shark has to do with cleaning wood floors.

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  34. Indiana Junes!! Bwahahahahahaha!
    I am outraged that your aura isn’t pink. But what do I know from aurae? We don’t have such things in NY.

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  35. Indiana Junes!! Bwahahahahahaha!
    I am outraged that your aura isn’t pink. But what do I know from aurae? We don’t have such things in NY.

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  36. Indiana Junes!! Bwahahahahahaha!
    I am outraged that your aura isn’t pink. But what do I know from aurae? We don’t have such things in NY.

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