Shark week

I'm certain you were on pins and needles, but here is my nice floor after cleaning with the Shark steamer:

Henryonfloor

It got so clean it sprouted a kitten! And do you see that little white spot over by the baseboard? That's paint, and who's annoyed with the slobbeldy slob who got paint on my floor before I moved in here? You know I want to sit there and scrape at it, but I have to proofread things today.

Isn't it funny how Henry matches the floor? If he didn't have any white, I'd probably step on him all the time. He's like a little chameleon. Well, really, he'd be a pretty big chameleon.

Also plus, you know how I said I put away all my Christmas decorations the other day?

Decorations
Yeah.

I got those nice plastic bins for storage, and I crammed everything in there, and then I just had to keep ONE tiny cardboard box to shove a few remaining things (no, the candles did not go in the attic. Those are in a Christmas bag in my closet, and will you remind me of that next December?) (Kind of like how you never remind me to blog about the things I ask you to remind me of, but instead just complain in the comments that I never blogged about whatever?).

Do you have any idea how many TIMES since then that I have found more decorations in this house, and had to traipse back up to that cold, low-beams-that-give-me-concussions-attic? First it was the Santa hand towel in the bathroom. That went easily in the cardboard box. THEN it was the holly-edged kitchen towels that were in the laundry. Crap.

Then that DANG gay porn Santa was glowing merrily on my porch; I had forgotten about him. THAT time I had to reopen one of the plastic bins and navigate his O-mouthed self in.

Finally, last night, I found a nightlight sort of thing in the dining room. It's shaped like a Christmas tree, and when you plug it in, sparkles swirl inside the tree–so pretty! Because the Ice Capades called. Want their subtlety back.

So I unplugged that thing, and using every swear word you have ever heard, jammed it into the cardboard box. "Okay," I thought. "That is IT. I will see you next December, boxes."

This morning I found a little Christmas serving plate under another dish.

#&#%#$@$%!

And I'd like to thank my MOTHER, who is practically Mrs. Claus, for all these things. She sends me pre-Christmas gifts of Christmas decorations, and then she goes shopping AFTER Christmas and sends me more Christmas things, and I think she only sends me things because HER house is completely loaded with Christmas stuff and probably my stepfather said he'd strangle her with holly  if she brought in another thing.

Okay, the thought of my calm stepfather threatening to strangle anyone is killing me. But you don't know him so it's not slaying you like it's slaying me.

You know, I did not mean to get off on this tangent. I meant to write about the running club I'm going to join, but I guess I'll have to discuss that pertinent matter tomorrow.

Also I was going to talk about my new year's resolution, but at this point you have peed down your own leg and missed all of your children's graduation ceremonies.

Does anyone have any new year's resolutions? I mean, other than to get away from this particular post? Do tell.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

72 thoughts on “Shark week”

  1. My resolution is to get my house organized. I’m probably more organized than the average person, but this year I’m stepping it up to Martha Stewart’s standards. I bought that book that you talked about at Bye Bye Buy and I am doing something daily from that book. I predict I’ll be upping my daily dose of Paxil by February. We’ll see.

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  2. My friend, who is sitting next to me and also wetting her pants,has a New Year’s resolution to be more daring with her jewelry. She needs to because she is as boring as hell and wears her little diamond studs and necklace every damn day.
    Mine is to swear less. I know, we are deep.
    Also, had sad that I have company, who have driven 6 hours to see me, and I am reading your blog first thing this morning. Maybe I am slightly stalkerish???

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  3. That is the best resolution I have ever heard. To wear more daring jewelry. Teeee. I think we should all have ridiculous resolutions like that. Lets see. I resolve to stop wearing t-shirts. I am 44 and the jeans-and-t-shirt thing should be done. I just made that up but its good.

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  4. Roxie's Mom, commenting from not-so-Pleasantville where it is all the way up to 30 degrees but there are many, many clouds in the sky and it looks like it's going to rain (or snow) says:

    My only New Year’s resolution is to do everything that June asks of me. So, June, I am herewith reminding you to remember in December (I’m a poet and didn’t know it) that the candles are in the Christmas bag in your closet. They are not in the attic.
    Phew. Glad that’s done. I love checking things off my to-do list.

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  5. I love that about the jewelry… I resolve to stop getting so emotionally invested in reality television. I can usually be found on any given weeknight sobbing over the fates of the Biggest Loser contestants, voting like mad for American Idol, and generally screaming at the Big Brother houseguests.
    In other words, I resolve to get myself a life.
    Happy 2010!!!

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  6. I will be losing weight (because I refuse to buy more pants) and to get our household budget figured out. Every month the husband and I say to each other “Where did our money go?” and that’s just not good. They are fun resolutions, but they could be with my new hott self and plenty of money to throw around.

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  7. I gave up resolutions last year.
    But once, in the past, I resolved to send every one (see what I did there?) of my friends a birthday card. I sent out an email asking for their birthdays, set up a birthday reminder alarm at Birthday Alarm (convenient, no?), and bought birthday cards in bulk.
    Then I picked out cards for each person on my list, wrote their name on an envelope, wrote their birthdate in the stamp corner, and filed it under the month of their birthday.
    And so at the beginning of every month, I would go to my file, pull out the current month’s cards, and set them on my desk so alls I had to do was write a quick note, stuff it, stamp it, and drop it in the mail a few days before their birthday.
    It was a fun resolution, but a lot of work.
    And also obviously before I had kids.
    Because now?
    I forget my own family’s birthdays. Yes, even the kids a couple of times (well, not that DAY, per se; I usually remember the day BEFORE, which is all the time you need until they’re about 5 years old).
    So, if you think I’m gonna fall all over myself to send people cards if they’re not running around my house wearing nothing but a play apron screaming, “No, IIII’MMMM in chaaaaaarge!”, then you’ve got another thing coming.

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  8. Our resolution is to stop drinking for the month of January and right up until Valentine’s Day. Husband and I have been imbibing way too much. After Valentine’s Day maybe have some wine once in a while.
    We are also going to do the South Beach Diet for a month. It’s a terrific way to jump-start the weight loss.
    Also continue to exercise regularly. I started that about 4 months ago and have been a good girl.
    What a boring 2010!!

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  9. i gave up making new year’s resolutions a few years back. but when i turned 40 i decided i must live by the motto “no more regrets. ever.” i will tell you it’s been the most awesomeness thing i’ve done. because before then i would be in the process of making decisions and think “well, next time…” and then next time would never come and i would be hating myself big time. big.
    so now on each birthday i reevaluate my life. what would i like to have accomplished by this time next year. it’s working for me.
    guess what? my birthday is in january..bwaahahahaha…
    anyway. the big 50 is looming. LOOMMING i tell you. (yeah, 2010 i turn 46 but dang 55000000 people!)
    i’m thinking long and hard about this one.

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  10. 1. I’m totally jacking Sugar Mommy’s resolution about the birthday cards. LOVE that idea! So that’s resolution number 1.
    2. Stop cussing. Ha! F that! Just kidding, i’m going to try!
    3. Have a baby! This one is FUN!

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  11. To run a 10K. I started running in Feb. ’09 and completed several 5k’s this summer (effin HOT!). I was so impressed when I read deep down in your blog somewhere that you trained for and ran an effin MARATHON!!! Wow. And my New Years Wish, if there is such a thing, is to join a running club. Because I’m not a self-motivator when it comes to passing the 4 mile mark. Sad.

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  12. I resolve to be a little less serious when I comment. Add some humor…
    I resolve to look carefully at ALL THE LINES ON ANY MARRIAGE LICENCES in 2010 before I sign…
    I resolve NOT to tease Junie about doggy day care. I also resolve to work out EVERY DAY…Yeah.
    I resolve to meet ONE of you crushers this year in person, so she can report back, “We were fussing over THAT???”
    I resolve to TRY not to get upset after Hulkette spills her 7364523284736526th glass of something on the carpet in 2010, which will be roughly around January 7th…
    I resolve to buy a Junie mug…at cost.
    I resolve to TRY NOT to punch the people who say “Two Thousand AND Ten”…DON’T PUT AN “AND” IN THERE!! And it’s “Ih-ROCK”, not “Eye-RACK”. Geez…
    Finally, I resolve to keep reading this dang blog. No matter HOW many pictures of creatures I have to weed through…

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  13. Yeah, two thousand AND ten, a space odyssey does NOT sound near as good, does it?
    Sadly, all the resolutions sound good and I want to adopt every one I read.

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  14. When I was 15 and started making resolutions, I resolved to get my room clean and keep it clean. I’ve been making that resolution every year since then, and have yet to be successful. I’m 45. That means I’ve been trying to be neat for 30 years. Probably ain’t gonna happen. I saw a picture of my great-grandmother sitting at her kitchen table, which was covered with clutter. I think my problem is genetic.
    My son once made a resolution to eat a banana. That’s what I like… A goal that you can accomplish!

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  15. I resolve to ride a mechanical bull this year. Yup. I’m watching footage of Kathie Lee and Hoda attempting the same thing right now.

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  16. I want to run. I’ve never run in my life. I have dreams where I run and I’m oh so happy. I was all set to do it last year and I came up with all kinds of excuses. Maybe I’ll resolve that this years reasons will be better than last years. And my kids will repeat back to me what I’ve said to them for years: It’s a reason to you…an excuse to everyone who hears it.

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  17. I resolve to become a minimalist. I had to clean out my parents’ house this year and now have to clean out my own house since we renovated my parents’ house and are going to move into it. And I never want to have to do that again, nor do I want my kids to have to do it. So I resolve to be ruthless and throw everything we haven’t/don’t/won’t use the *&^%$#$* out.
    My parents were married 56 years. That’s a lotta sh*t is what I’m saying.

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  18. I resolve to become a minimalist. I had to clean out my parents’ house this year and now have to clean out my own house since we renovated my parents’ house and are going to move into it. And I never want to have to do that again, nor do I want my kids to have to do it. So I resolve to be ruthless and throw everything we haven’t/don’t/won’t use the *&^%$#$* out.
    My parents were married 56 years. That’s a lotta sh*t is what I’m saying.

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  19. I resolve to become a minimalist. I had to clean out my parents’ house this year and now have to clean out my own house since we renovated my parents’ house and are going to move into it. And I never want to have to do that again, nor do I want my kids to have to do it. So I resolve to be ruthless and throw everything we haven’t/don’t/won’t use the *&^%$#$* out.
    My parents were married 56 years. That’s a lotta sh*t is what I’m saying.

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  20. All of my resolutions revolve around food (and who has to lose 30 pounds?). First, I really want to start a Menu Monday, where I plan meals for the week, and then STICK TO IT. I am a serious food stockpiler (stockpiler sounds so much better than hoarder, because stockpilers don’t need friends to do interventions on them). I scoff at June’s paltry 4 boxes of spaghetti…I probably have a year’s supply of pasta on my shelves. So my second resolution is to eat from my stockpile, and stay away from the food flyers that just encourage me to buy more. Third, I want to learn to cook new and tasty meals, because it’s not good to force my family to eat what I’ve cooked because “it’s a sin to waste food” (as my mother always said).
    Oh, yeah, and I want to start exercising again.

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  21. OH, that reminds me, you several commenters who are resolving to run. I have a question. I never wanted to run but now it is sort of interesting/appealing to me, BUT I read on a fitness blog that there is this … condition … or mishap … or I DON’T KNOW, but I need a confirm/deny from you runners in the know.
    Running makes you poop? Like without much warning? Because I will NOT be running if I am going to be ending said run with poopedy poopedy pants.

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  22. OH, that reminds me, you several commenters who are resolving to run. I have a question. I never wanted to run but now it is sort of interesting/appealing to me, BUT I read on a fitness blog that there is this … condition … or mishap … or I DON’T KNOW, but I need a confirm/deny from you runners in the know.
    Running makes you poop? Like without much warning? Because I will NOT be running if I am going to be ending said run with poopedy poopedy pants.

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  23. OH, that reminds me, you several commenters who are resolving to run. I have a question. I never wanted to run but now it is sort of interesting/appealing to me, BUT I read on a fitness blog that there is this … condition … or mishap … or I DON’T KNOW, but I need a confirm/deny from you runners in the know.
    Running makes you poop? Like without much warning? Because I will NOT be running if I am going to be ending said run with poopedy poopedy pants.

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  24. Running makes you poop??? I’ve never heard of such a thing!!! LOL This coming from a reformed non-runner-I did many 5k’s, a couple of 10k’s and even a 10 mile “fun” run this year. Have resolved to do a 1/2 marathon in 2010!

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  25. OMG Paula! Laughing my ass off right now. Having been a runner for years, it does not make you poop unexpectedly. That is the funniest sh*t I’ve heard today.

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  26. OMG Paula! Laughing my ass off right now. Having been a runner for years, it does not make you poop unexpectedly. That is the funniest sh*t I’ve heard today.

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  27. OMG Paula! Laughing my ass off right now. Having been a runner for years, it does not make you poop unexpectedly. That is the funniest sh*t I’ve heard today.

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  28. Running can give you the URGE to poop but it’s not like it gives you diahrrea. I know I didn’t spell that right.
    But, it doesn’t happen to everyone all the time. Running just “shakes it up” for some people and moves things along.

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  29. My resolution is to set stricter boundaries with my workplace. And to not be afraid to tell them they’re overstepping boundaries. I will no longer be available to work all day every day!

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  30. I resolve to read this ding dang everyday blog every day. And I look forward to Hulk being less serious, poor man must lighten up!

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  31. So, Paula, it looks like you can run without fear of those telltale brown streaks.
    Everyone’s resolutions are weakening my resolution which is to NOT make a resolution. I only break them on say January 3rd! But, Paula H&B, I gotta get rid of sh*t too! We’ve inherited and squirreled away way too much carp. So that may be my unofficial resolution.
    Lauren who will be 46, hey, don’t worry about 50. The real stress comes when you turn 60! I’m still recovering from that.
    And yes, also, too, I will be saying twenty-ten! Shorter and more to the point. And my family thinks I’ve lost it when I ask them how they are going to refer to the year.
    Cyndi who is going to be having fun, resolutions #2 & #3 should be kept together. My 2-year-old grandson recently started shouting the F word while shopping with his parents.
    Hulk, what can I say. You have remarkable resolutions and I especially like the last one. That is one that we probably will all try to keep whether we actually say it or not. Junie, you have a loyal bunch of groupies!
    Happy, happy y’all!

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  32. i resolve to be BETTER.
    not a better wife, not a better mother, not a better lover, not a better housekeeper, not a better blogger.
    just BETTER!

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  33. My New Years Resolution is that I am going to go to the RSPCA and adopt a kitten. I figure that I will at last have someone that will be pleased to see me when I walk in after work .. even if it is just to see to its needs.
    Also plus the main reason is that I read that our local RSPCA is so full of unloved and unwanted kittens and cats that they are putting down litters .. FULL LITTERS .. as they are dropped of. THAT is an outrage. I just hope I only come home with one. :o)

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  34. I make one resolution a year, but this year, I think I’m going to have to make two.
    The first is to be better at keeping the one resolution I make.
    And second, this year, I would like to be a better master. No, Hulk, not that kind! A better leader for my dogs.
    We will be practicing lessons learned at puppy school and attending class at the dog park every week.

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  35. WOW Debbie. Way to put it right out there for all of us! ๐Ÿ˜‰ If and when you do bang Hulk, I would like a guest post with LOTS of details and photos would be nice too. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I am going to start running. I have been researching 5, 8, 10 K’s in the Chicagoland area and am going to start training January 1. There is a program called Couch Potato to 5K and I’ll be using that. I am not a couch potato but need to lose weight so I am going to start my training with this. Coupled with running up and down my stairs 3,275,684,962,670,356 times a day and playing volleyball every week (or everyweek) I am hoping the weight will start to come off. Of course if this fails, I guess I could resolve to bang Hulk. That’s aerobic exercise right?!?! But he won’t want to because I’ll still be fat. (Cue fail music from game show here.)

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  36. You guys are hysterical! June is right, half the fun of this blog is reading the comment section. Soon I will start carrying my new baby laptop to work so I can sign on wirelessly and read you all on company time without Big Brother watching over me and reporting me to my boss. I guess screwing over the employer isn’t such a good resolution for 2010 though. It sounds like Hulk may be a good second choice…..
    By the way June, since I know your step father I for one AM slayed by the stangling comment! I can’t imagine it either!
    Thanks for the daily laugh.

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  37. I am horrible at keeping resolutions. For years I would write them down on a slip of paper and put it in my wallet. Every year
    my list would be almost identical to the year before: Lose weight, exercise more, be a better person, blah blah blah.
    A few months ago I announced to my family that my new mission was to be “Fit at Fifty”. I had really good intentions, but I turn fifty on Jan. 8th, and I now I say, “I said I would be “FAT at fifty.” (I’m not fat, just need to lose ten pounds and firm up, but can’t seem to do it.)
    Running doesn’t make me poop, but it does make my knees hurt.

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  38. My resolution is to remeber Hulk’s wedding anniversary with his mom… I’m still laughing and very sentimental or is it semi-mental? Who knows. When I run the dogs they poop. So runners, know your audience!

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  39. Good luck to all our virtual family memebers for your resolutions. As one who started running as a resolution in 1980 (before many of you were born), just get into it gradually. The first day I ran maybe 200 yards. In three weeks I was running a couple of miles. In less than a year I ran a marathon. Slow and steady wins the race.
    And also, practically every good change in behavior I have made has been from a New Year’s resolution. Except for marrying the Furry Godmother. That was completely selfish of me and I don’t regret it one tiny iota.
    Carpe diem, y’all.

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  40. My resolution is to come up with more amusing comments so that I can make it into the comment of the week. And to constanly modify my name so as to fit it with the cool crowd. ๐Ÿ™‚
    For those who want to start running..there is a book, couch potato to runner or something that I bought once. I think you can find the program online…or let me know and I can look for the book and tell you the gist. (BTW…my doctor told me last week that I don’t need to lose anymore weight so for the first time in 10 years, losing weight is NOT on my list)

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  41. Terraplane, that sure was sweet what you said about marrying Furry.
    Since you’ve been running for so long have you ever had problems with your knees? I keep hearing how bad running is, that fast walking is so much healthier for our joints.

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  42. As I understand it, one of the reasons Our Miss Junnie and Our Uncle Marvin had to leave California is because their “joints” hurt. But with it being medicinal now… that means its healthy.

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  43. Last year I completed two of my three resolutions, which were to make peach freezer jam, and win a blue ribbon at the fair for knitting socks. I can’t remember what the third one was, for all I know I did it!
    This year I want to make pickles with cucumbers and dill that I grew, have more muscles and less fat, and wash my dishes every night. Huzzah!

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  44. First, I resolve to find out who the poser Lee is. We need clarification between Lees.
    Second, I resolve to run like the wind with my sissy Jan. She thinks I am blwoing smoke up her arse, but when I breeze past her in the Chicago Marathon, who will be laughing then? HUH?
    I was afraid to run because my girls are quite….um….buxom….and I was afraid the running would just tear those poor girls right off my chest wall. Then I spoke to another buxom runner who said she wears a sport bra AND her regular bra to keep those girls high and tight. Any other suggestion from big buxom runners? June? Oh, I cracked my own self up on that one.
    Third, I resolve to be one of the ones to meet Hulk in person, however, not to bang him. Believe me, he will be the relieved one about that. I’ve already told my husband that we will be hosting Hulk and Hulkette one weekend as my sissy Jan, her children and me and my children will be taking them all around Chicago. I’m pretty sure Hulkette’s Mom will have no issue with Hulk taking their daughter to Chicago to meet two women he met on June’s blog and then spend the weekend at one of their homes. Yeah, pretty sure she’d be all over that.
    And lastly, I resolve to read ever single comment on June’s blog. One can miss SO much if one doesn’t read the comments.

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  45. I resolve to stop linking actual real-time events to television or movie excerpts during conversations for the benefit of the poor people trying to talk to me. (like the Mary Catherine Molly Shannon Character on Sat. Night Live) Oops – see how I need to work on this ( purely unintentional- honest).

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  46. Amy, I am going to look for that couch potato book. Thanks! I don’t want to heave my ass off the sofa, run around the block and drop dead of a heart attack. Especially if I have also sh*t my pants. Oh, the shame.

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  47. Amy, I am going to look for that couch potato book. Thanks! I don’t want to heave my ass off the sofa, run around the block and drop dead of a heart attack. Especially if I have also sh*t my pants. Oh, the shame.

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  48. Amy, I am going to look for that couch potato book. Thanks! I don’t want to heave my ass off the sofa, run around the block and drop dead of a heart attack. Especially if I have also sh*t my pants. Oh, the shame.

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  49. I’m declaring 2010 the year of travel. My goal has been to leave the country at least once a year and I failed to go anywhere but Ft Lauderdale in 2009. I suppose there is still time to drive to the border, but nevertheless, in 2010 I resolve to travel to at least 3 places.

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  50. KW,
    The right knee acts up every now and again, but I don’t run on pavement any more. I gave that up in my early 50s and am glad that I did. So no more road races, just getting out five days a week and enjoying the changes in the weather.
    I think that the fast walking thing sounds pretty good.

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