The Perfect 2010

Hey, it's a new year! Did you notice?

Everything here seems about the same, except my hair smells like smoke. Because Marvin and I went to a bar. I know you're sick and tired of hearing about Marvin and me at a bar. Happens so much.

One of his friends was playing in a band at some bar called the…the…crap. It was the [Adjective Noun]. CRAP! It was some word that was in the warm-color family, I remember that, and then the noun was like something small and maybe cute. I wasn't even drunk, I just can't recall the dang name. I want to say the Rusty Parrot, but I really think that's where Blanche Devereaux drank in The Golden Girls, and I often get my reality mixed up with The Golden Girls'.

Anyway, here's Marv and me before we left.

Cruellaandhuzband
I kind of look like Cruella DeVille in that picture. PUPPIES!

So, the thing is, I never really hang out at bars anymore, because I'm, you know, middle-aged. And married. It just doesn't really come up anymore. And yet I still think of myself as someone who goes to bars, probably because from 1987 to 1992, I was in one every night. Which is also something Grace Kelly could say.

Even when I moved to Seattle in 1992, I still went to the bar a lot, because did I ever tell you how on my first day in Seattle I took the bus downtown to open a checking account, got to talking to the banker guy, and was offered a job on the twelfth floor as a receptionist for one of the bank's departments?

I ended up taking the job because (1) it was there and (6) the building was lovely, but mostly because (Q) there was a bar in the lobby. I know. I am too married to my career. I have to be more Funyuns and less Responsibilityuns.

Funyuns_Original

And it turned out that was the most Funyuns job ever. I found my first Official Gay Friend in Seattle, one of many, and let's call him Jehoshaphat, which seeing as it isn't 1712 was not really his name. Sometimes Jehoshaphat and I would be giggling so hard that when the phone rang at my RECEPTIONIST's desk, he'd just pick it up and slam it down so we could continue.

Again. Responsibilityuns. Which I stole from an article in The Onion, by the way. "Funyuns still outselling Responsibilityuns." I heart The Onion.

At any rate, Jehoshaphat had a real job in said department, so he could leave before 5:00, which I could not because I was receptionist. Jehoshaphat was one of the first people I knew who had a cell phone, because his boyfriend was a fancy stock broker or something. Anyway, he'd call me at around 4:50.

"Hoity-toity bank. How may I direct your call?"

"Psssssssssss…You hear that? That's me, peeing out the first drink! Get down here!"

Oh, I loved that job.

I have no idea how I got off on this tangent.

Oh! Bars! So yeah, I feel like I still go to them, but I really stopped about 15 years ago, and last night I was a little worried I wouldn't have the right thing to wear. I just read that boot-cut jeans are way out of style now, and I have no skinny jeans or whatever is in right now.

But when we got to the Copper Kettle or wherever? Turns out I needn't have worried. Because first of all, everyone was my age, which I didn't expect. And also, I saw:

*a hair scrunchie

*a shirt consisting entirely of skulls, and

*a leather miniskirt

Fortunately not on the same person. And I know I am not one to be dolling out the fashion advice, with my fine wardrobe of yoga pants and 2 for $10 tshirts from Old Navy. But I think we can all agree that no middle-aged woman should be wearing a leather miniskirt. I mean, Rhianna can. She's 20. And Tina Turner can. Because she's Tina Turner. But Sally Jo from over in accounting should not be rocking the leather mini at age 47.

So my point is, my unfashionable jeans were fine over there at the Terra Cotta Cupcake or whatever.

And we met some nice people, who told us about a good Indian restaurant, and also, are ya sittin' down? The band? After they had just played some song that the chorus went: "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and everyone in the room knew this song but us? After that? The lead singer said, "This song goes out to my buddy Marvin's wife, who is a big Bee Gees fan."

I thought they were all gonna pummel me with Bud bottles. But the song they played was To Love Somebody, and seeing as somebody recently commented here that she HAD TO GOOGLE BARRY GIBB finally, (yeesch!) I am going to assume you do not know that song. But it's pre-disco Bee Gees, and yes, there was pre-disco Bee Gees. About 10 years' worth of songs, in fact, and To Love Somebody is one of them and fortunately everyone in the room sang along and I am still alive to bore you with this tale.

Anyway, we went home at 11:00. Because somebody had TWO vodka cranberries and had to go home.

Somebody needs some Funyuns.

53 thoughts on “The Perfect 2010

  1. Enjoying one of the last smoky bar nights in NC, huh? We went out to a pub the night before the smoking ban came in here in England. Not really sure why because we don’t smoke and I HATE ending up smelling like an ashtray. But it was historic or something.
    My sis lives in NC and says it was one of the last states to bring in the ban because so much tobacco is produced there. Nice to see who has the influence.

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  2. Oh, I heart vodka cranberries…especially when I’m rockin’ my new pair of skinny jeans that I’m waaaayyyy too old for. But after enough vodka cranberries I don’t care and neither do the other drunks.

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  3. I came here checking for a new post, and there isn’t one! Yes, I realize you posted yesterday. But I started reading this one again, and realized that it was the name of the BAR you couldn’t remember, not the name of the band. Which makes my Persistant Lesbians joke really lame. So I have to make up another name for the bar now. The Peach Fuzz? The Yellow Kitten? The Hot Toddy? I would totally go to The Hot Toddy.
    Happy New Year, June and Marvin Gardens!

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  4. Happy New Year, June! I lurve the BeeGees and I still love Barry Gibb. And I loved ‘To Love Somebody’ and How Can You Mend a Broken Heart and Run to Me and, heck I love all their songs. Hey, I just remembered, did you ever see them do a concert with a laser light show (or maybe it was just high powered spotlights back then and sing Center of the Universe? Oh yeah, that was the very best!

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  5. Hulk, dawn and Expat- Go Bucks!!!
    (my husband is an Ohio state alum)
    I watched the video today – loved it! I really enjoyed it even though I only started reading you this fall.

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  6. Good news – smoking in public places is officially banned in NC as of today. I suppose your fellow partiers had to get it out of their systems last night!
    So I googled Barry. He’s very… fluffy. What with the blown hair and all. And what glorious bling! I was a teen in the 90’s, crushing on the Seattle bands that were your neighbors at the time. They’re just about completely opposite from Barry. But I agree Barry has eye candy potential. 🙂

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  7. I’m glad you guys had fun. And you killed me with scrunchie. I hate those things. Another fashion trend to hate is oversized shirts with tights. Not attractive on 99% of the population. Last night we partied like rock stars last night, but I kinda wish we had stayed in because this morning was rough. And then listening to 94,000 people yell didn’t help either.

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  8. I don’t know if I could be MORE exhausted after reading that post…Happy New Year!

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  9. “You don’t know what it’s like, You don’t know what it’s like… to love somebody… to love somebody… the way I love you.”
    Yes, I am a 45 year old living in a 31 year old body.
    Fanny Be Tender is another one of my pre-disco Bee Gees favorites.
    Did you ever listen to the Raspberries or was my dad the only one? I kind of like them, too. He dragged me to their concert last year (b/c my mother wouldn’t go) in Anaheim and like 4 people were there. Ok I’m exaggerating but you get my point.

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  10. Lee, Yay for you!!! I wish for you that those straight legged jeans will just slide right on up your svelte, marathon-running bod! And I think perhaps there are about 20 people who can wear the skinny jeans. I forgot about all the teenagers who can eat Doritos and drink regular coke all day long and still weigh 90 pounds. I hate them.
    And Tiffany, oh my goodness! What a memory you have!! As soon as you mentioned the baby blue satin jacket, i could just see him singing with his pretty blonde hair and Bee Gee voice. So sad. Yeah, and what was with him hooking up with that ho, Victoria? She was too old for him and then she went and recorded a song with him. Total BS. Bitch couldn’t sing.

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  11. Oh great I was at the Taupe Tea Caddy last night living it up, yeee haww ha ha. Started in on my New Years resolutions, 1) gain weight (ate a boston creampie) b) start smoking (got a carton of Winstons) iii) not sure (took ambien maybe I’m Tiger Shrubs). Mmmmmm Funyums, are in the offering plate next to my Junie amber glow candles at the Gardensalad altar.
    Wish I saw Carol Burnett, had to tuen the channel at Dick Clark, did hear Kathy G. drop the F bomb on Andy Cooper, take a drink.

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  12. Happy New Year June, Marvin, and everyone out there!
    June, your mouth shur looks purtie.
    Marvin looks lit. You both look mighty happy. A great way to start the New Year.
    My husband and I decided to stay in, just the two of us. We cooked a fantastic dinner together. Steak and shrimp. And lots of wine. With champagne later. We watched Anderson Cooper giggle all night at Kathy Griffin. He truly giggled the New Year in. I still can’t believe he’s gay.
    Speaking of gay. I too worked in a bank many years ago, and became super friends with a gay guy that also worked there.
    As it turns out, twetny years later we now both live in Atlanta. We are still great friends. (He’s the guy who got the brown smoothie for Christmas!)
    Linda in Co: I loved The Carol Burnett Show! Wish I had seen that special on t.v.
    I think FunYuns are flavorless.
    And I thought Dick Clark was dead! I think I said that last year too, unless I’m having Deja Vu.

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  13. OMG, Marianne, didn’t this post make you so miss Jehosephat? He was too much fun.

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  14. You know next time you go to the bar I have a blue denim shirt I can lend you :-D. Now I have the “To Love Somebody” song in my head. I am glad you two had a good time on your cultural adventure. Cheers, and Happy New Year!

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  15. “Hope floats” is one of my all time favorite movies! Cannot get enough of it. I went to a bar with my friend that is visiting from Germany and had to jump in the shower after getting home, I cannot sleep with nicotine hair! And I smoke when I am at a bar…don’t tell anyone!
    I used to have this scent neutralizing spray for hair, it was so wonderful. You would spray it in stinky smoky or food smelling hair, and it was magic, all you could smell was this really nice clean scent, it neutralized all the yucky smells. It was made by the Body Shop, but they discontinued it about 10 years ago.
    It was like Febreze for hair.
    Oh look, Salon Selective makes a spray like that now: http://www.amazon.com/Salon-Selectives-Hair-Freshener-Fresh/dp/B0017PF9RG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1262382251&sr=8-2-fkmr0
    I am so happy, I will have to order that RIGHT NOW! And so should everyone!

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  16. Linda in CO… we also rang in the new year with Dick Clark, who should sue his plastic surgeon because he looks like a marionette, and I felt awful watching this poor man try to speak. And Tracy, was the movie “Hope Floats?” Just one of the many useless pieces of information I have stored away. Happy New Year, June!

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  17. Happy New Year, Junebug!! I remember To Love Somebody because I am also old, and in fact, old enough to be looking for you to mention the Regal Beagle in this saga! Oh well, maybe for St. Patty’s Day… XO

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  18. Funyuns.. ahhh that takes me back to the volunteer office at GAMC.. and Renee. Renee loved her some Funyuns and you know what .. Renee .. she was a sharer .. so the only time I ate Funyuns was when Renee bought them .. hmmm .. thinking back that really makes me seem like a tight wad I guess. Sadly I must say that Funyuns are not sold here in Australia .. I do believe that the other 22 million people here don’t really know what they are missing .. but I do. :o)

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  19. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I’m hysterical right now. Because no, I don’t know the To Love Somebody song (although I’m thinking of a song that has those words in it from a Sandra Bullock movie. The one with Harry Connick, Jr. Oh, I’m mad b/c I can’t remember the name of this movie. But now I’m thinking that is not the song in this movie.)
    However, I do know the song that band played with the “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy” chorus. Love that song!
    Still I don’t know one song by the BGs.

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  20. Happy New Year, June and Marvin and kids. I totally thought you were going to say that the picture of you and Marvin was taken after his two vodka cranberries, what with those rosy cheeks and that loopy look and all.
    We treated the kiddos to an expensive night out watching Avatar 3D, and were home in time to watch Dick Clark ring in the new year. We then found a PBS documentary on Carol Burnett that I just couldn’t turn off – the Carol Burnett Show was my all-time favorite variety show. Fun evening.
    I remember slow dancing to “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” but I can’t remember who I was dancing with. Loved the BeeGees.
    Could the bar have been the Pink Squirrel? Pink Rabbit? Amber Gerbil? What are the warm colors, anyway?

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  21. June, love the art deco earrings I see peeking through your tresses.
    My son works at one of those trendy clothing shops in the mall. They currently sell the super skinny, skinny, slight boot, boot cut, and fit and flare jean cuts. Mind you, these babies are $61-$88 when not on sale and they stop at a ladies size 12. (Men’s stop at 36″ waist.)
    And also, I can’t believe I’m going to say this because I will sound like my mother, but half of the styles come with slashes and holes. For $88!

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  22. “Terra Cotta Cupcake” — hilarious!!
    Oh how I loved Andy. Pre-Victoria P and coke binges, however. I begged my parents to buy me a baby blue satin jacket that looked JUST like his, because to my 9 year old self, if I had the same jacket, somehow he’d have a “feeling” I was out there, he’d move heaven and earth to find me, fall madly in love and marry me right on the spot. Disney fantasy much?

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  23. June! You and Marvin looked FABULOUS! Your eye makeup? You look dazzling!
    Joann ~ My 16 year old daughter is also one who can wear the skinny jeans. And she is adorable with her cute little boots and skinny jeans all tucked in. And her long straight hair…because she too owns the Chi. When I run the Chicago Marathon with my sissy Jan, we will also be able to wear the skinny jeans, and they will probably be back out and boot legs will be back in. Oy.
    Illinois is smoke free….love it. I used to bartend back in the day when smoking was still allowed in public places so I would come home at 3 in the morning and have to disrobe in the basement, come up and immediately get in the shower. Ick.

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  24. Happy (Unlimited Possibilities) New Year – so glad you were out there par-tay-ing like it was 1979 at the Amber Aura! I always loved me that disco. Even convinced a guy I was dating to buy a white suit – talk about an impulse buy…

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  25. Happy New Year June!! I have to say, that when you said the name of the band was [Adjective, Noun], I thought to myself, “Well, it must be the Persistant Lesbians, of course!” Then I giggled, because I crack myself up.
    Oh, and since I’m like 42, I totally KNOW who Barry Gibb is. I used to be in love with Andy. Then he died. 😦
    And, I also heart The Onion. Just thought you’d want to know that. Now I’m off to eat pizza and wings and watch football in my jammies. Yay!
    PS@ Joann – my almost 15 year-old daughter is one of those two people who can pull off the size 0, skinny jeans. And yes, I hate her.

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  26. My sisters and I loved the Bee Gees long before they took up Jive Talkin’. We would put their albums on our big stereo console and whip out our big combs we kept in our back jean’s pocket and sing into our comb microphones. My favorites out of the many, many pre-disco songs I love were, “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” and “Run To Me.”
    Personally, I hate straight leg jeans. I think there are about 2 people in the world who can pull off the skinny straight-legged jean. Victoria Beckham and anyone else as anorexic as her. They are not a flattering piece of clothing! In fact, I think they should be outlawed along with leather mini-skirts for anyone who does not have to Google the identity of Barry Gibb.

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  27. Ranchboy and I stayed in last night. I hate driving anywhere on NYE, it’s crazy on the roads. Gosh, I sound like I’m 80!
    Anyway, needed a quiet day. We’ve been dealing with closing up my Mom’s condo and moving her from Chicago to DC. She’s 93 and life is challenging for her and all of us right now.
    June, drive around town and hang your head out of the open window. That’ll air the smoke out of your hair…
    Happy 20 O 10!

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  28. I can’t believe you can still smoke in bars in NC!? …wait, Winston Salem? Maybe I’m not surprised. Anywho, I’ve lived in MA, NY and ME in recent years and you can’t smoke anyplace public in any of those states anymore. If I still went out, I’d love love love coming home NOT smelling like smoke.
    Happy New Year! Thanks for a great 2009 in posts!

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  29. Good Lord. “Dolling.” And now I have to leave it there, because otherwise your comment and this one won’t make sense. Hello, dolling.

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  30. Shana, we were just dicussing last night–where do they GET those pictures? I dont know why we werent able to figure out maybe they had a photographer. A photographer from THE ONION!

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  31. I have a friend who doesn’t, like, “get” the Internet. She is planning a wedding for her daughter. We were talking about wedding stuff, and I threw out the name of a local photographer who is awesome. And my non-Internet-browsing friend said, “Oh, we have a photographer. She’s flying in from Santa Barbara. She works for “The Onion.”
    But my friend said “The Onion,” the way you would say, “I love her new ring, she got it “At Tiffany’s,” know what I mean?
    And I just about cracked up at the fact that my friend was putting on airs about having an Onion photographer. Also? Who knew The Onion had a staff photographer to begin with?

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  32. Oh June! LOL about the gay friend peeing out his first drink. You cannot have enough gay friends..I love them. Happy New year to you, Marvin and the kids. (Just put your coat outside on the deck to air it out from the nasty bar smell.)

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  33. Good for you and Marvin. Going out on New Year’s Eve is fun (although Mr. Culpepper and I sat home and were fast asleep by 10:30…I know, sad:)).
    I was also a bank receptionist with a gay friend in the 1980’s. I do love me some gay bankers. Sadly, we had no bar. Your bank was much cooler.
    I want to cry when I hear that people need to google Barry Gibb. Would these same people also need to google Andy? Oh dear lord, this upsets me. It was so nice that the band played a song for you. You were the popular girl in the audience. Did they put a spotlight on you? So cool.
    Happy 2010 June!

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  34. Ashley, they’ve invented this marvelous thing called Google. You can see Barry Gibb in two seconds. GO LOOK! Then you can say, “Oh. Yeah, he was hot in 1979. I see why June isn’t over it.”

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  35. “Sally Jo in accounting over there….”
    Bwhahahahahahahahah!
    Oh, I love starting off the new year with a good giggle!
    PAT*, I totally identify with not being able to remember something exactly but knowing what kind of words you are searching for. For which you are searching. Whatev. Last week we had a nor’easter and I was trying to remember the other type of storm we get and I was all, “it’s … fast. and it comes from Canada” and it took me all ding dang week to come up with Alberta Clipper.
    *Plus Also Too

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  36. “Sally Jo in accounting over there….”
    Bwhahahahahahahahah!
    Oh, I love starting off the new year with a good giggle!
    PAT*, I totally identify with not being able to remember something exactly but knowing what kind of words you are searching for. For which you are searching. Whatev. Last week we had a nor’easter and I was trying to remember the other type of storm we get and I was all, “it’s … fast. and it comes from Canada” and it took me all ding dang week to come up with Alberta Clipper.
    *Plus Also Too

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  37. “Sally Jo in accounting over there….”
    Bwhahahahahahahahah!
    Oh, I love starting off the new year with a good giggle!
    PAT*, I totally identify with not being able to remember something exactly but knowing what kind of words you are searching for. For which you are searching. Whatev. Last week we had a nor’easter and I was trying to remember the other type of storm we get and I was all, “it’s … fast. and it comes from Canada” and it took me all ding dang week to come up with Alberta Clipper.
    *Plus Also Too

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  38. Happy New Year, June! I still wear boot-cut jeans. I have no desire to go back to 80’s fashion like all the cool kids are doing these days. Did you know the kids are ripping the necks of their oversized sweatshirts? Just like in the 80’s. And yes, they’re wearing tapered jeans. Even the boys. Ew! And side ponytails are back in style, too. At least I haven’t seen any acid washed jeans yet… 🙂
    PS – I still don’t know who Barry Gibb is. Please don’t hate me.

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