Let's all be obnoxious and start calling Henry "Henri," in a French way. I mean, let's really bring it on home with the accent, like "Onnnn-reeeeee." Try to be scrapey in your voice when you say the "Onnnn" part.
If you could also manage to squeeze your fingers and thumb together, like a French chef who has just tasted something exquiseeeete, that'd be even better.
Okay, so go forth today and somehow try to work the word "Onnnn-reee" into a conversation. Let me know how it goes. Let me know if you managed to do the finger/thumb thing.
Here are some suggested ice-breakers you could use to work it in:
"My friend June, who I actually don't know, has a lovely cat named Onnn-reee!"
"Oui! This crepe is excellent! Perhaps I'll save the leftovers for Onnnn-reee."
"Oh, you dance at Deja Vu? You must know many French people. Do you know anyone named….Onnn-reeee?"
Is Deja Vu only a strip club in Saginaw? Because if it is, that was only funny for the four people who still read me there.
A bunch of people have sent me an article stating that my hometown, Saginaw, is once again number one for per-capita crimes. We're number one! I said we should all get those big foam fingers, and instead of pointing up they should point at you, like a gun.
Really, I don't know why I'm not a millionaire, with my excellent marketing ideas.
I have to go out today and buy fleece-lined running pants, because my first day of my running group is Saturday morning. And let me tell you what, it be cold out. I wish I were covered in fur like…Onnn-reee.
I had to email my friend Hometown Horselady, who lives in my violent hometown still, and who–when she's not knocking people off–runs every single day of her life. Usually because someone is coming after her with a knife.
Anyway, obviously it's even colder in Michigan than it is in North Carolina, so I figured she'd know from what gear to have.
Hometown Horselady also owns horses, none of whom are named Henri, but they are cute anyway. She goes around showing them all the time, and I really don't know what she shows them. Nevertheless, she has to take them out of town to show them. Maybe she shows them less crime-ridden cities. Or she shows them the…Onnn-reee Ford museum.
So, wish me luck. If you're out in Greensboro at a running store, look for the only portly woman in there, checkin' for fleece. And feelin' "ornreyyyy."