Health, June's stupid life

Just came in from running club and boy are my decision-making skills tired

Oy.

Before I complain about how my LUNGS are BURNING and I can't stop COUGHING and thanks, all my grandparents, for smoking cigarettes throughout my childhood because clearly I have black lung, before I get into all that, I'd like to direct your attention to the column on your right.

You will see I have a new button, so you know I didn't create it, called Buy Buy Pie stuff. This button links you directly to this site, the site where June is desperately trying to get rich off her fabulous new collection of Bye Bye, Pie t shirts and coffee mugs and rhinestone thongs. Okay, someone suggested rhinestone thongs and it slays me. I don't really have any to sell. (Oh, and if you're reading this right after I publish it, my designer Sadie Olive is still working on that button, so it may give you an error reading right now. Calm down. Click my link in this paragraph. I'd hate to deprive you of June thongs.)

Speaking of slaying me, I did want to let you know that someone in Indonesia Googled "gay porn santa" for reals, and found my blog. Sadly? Mr. or Mrs. Indonesia? Has Googled it twice that I know of.

Also, who lives in Egg Harbor Township? I see your locale on my sitemeter and it is a compelling name of a township. Also, someone looks at me in Menomonie, Wisconsin. Whenever I see that, I start singing, "Mena mena. Be be be de de. Mena mena. Be be be be…" from Sesame Street.

Which trust me, you don't want in your head.

So that you don't think all I do is stare at my sitemeter, I left my warm house and bed and pets and spouse today to go running when it was EIGHTEEN EFFING DE-EFFING-GREES out. Yes, that second "effing" was necessary. Because EIGHTEEN!

DEGREES!

FAHRENHEIT!

I guess saying "Fahrenheit" was not as impressive as if I'd said "Celsius," because 18C is colder than 18F. Whatever.

I got to my running club wearing a long-sleeve runner's t shirt, a scarf, a running jacket, my DOWN jacket, a hat, gloves, long underwear (which was a mistake), fleece pants, thick socks, and one of those throw rugs with the bear head on it.

We learned all about running shoes and inserts and sports bras and then we had a raffle WHICH I WON, thank you, so now I get $20 off my running gear, or perhaps off the price of the ambulance ride for my lung transplant, and finally we headed out to the RIDICULOUS PARK where did I mention it was EEEEEEEEIGHTEEN DE-EFFING-GREES out?

So we ran. Well, we stretched and contorted first, like this:

Stretch

and then we ran. One entire mile. Oh, shut up. It was hard. And that wind was a-blowin'.

But we ran by the water, and all these geese were there, and I felt sorry for them till I remembered they were wearing down. On my way back past the geese, they all flew up and right over my head. I was kind of hoping they'd all land on me and peck my head, like in The Birds, cause at least I'd have been warm.

Also, I passed someone walking her bitty puppy who by the way seemed to care not at all that it was

EIGHTEEN DEGREES

out.

Anyway. Ten years ago, in early spring of 2000, I ran my first time to train for a marathon. They had us run and timed us, then they put us with others who ran at the same pace as we did. Now, when you are talking about my pace, "ran" is a loose term. I came in at a blistering Kenyan 14:30. In case you are not a runner, people often complain they are slow when they run a 10-minutes mile. I run a 14 minute and 30 second mile. I hate those "Oh, I'm slow; I run a 10-minute mile" bastards.

Ten years later? After an entire marathon and a half marathon and just running for fun in general? Do you know what my pace was?

14:30.

Well, look. At least it wasn't longer. I'm 10 years older and eight pounds heavier than I was in 2000. I guess I shouldn't complain.

But you know I will.

Anyway, it's Saturday, so you know it's the once-a-month occurrence of when I remember to award the comment of the week, and this week it goes to Dawn in Austin. Because her strong feelings about coffee make her one of my people.

P.S. Mena mena. Be be be de de. Mena Mena…

57 thoughts on “Just came in from running club and boy are my decision-making skills tired”

  1. There are two things I enjoyed just now, reading all the comments. One, I loved, Hey, its a boy! Hey, who cares? And…oh crap. Oh! No! I remember. What I wanted to say is, whats a red robin? Isnt a red robin really a cardinal?

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  2. I don’t understand Fahrenheit so I had to convert that 18F. -7.8C apparently. That’s seriously cold. That’s about what it is here first thing in the morning, which is partly why I’ve not been running lately. That and the paths are icy in the local parks. I was glad for the excuse at first but a week later with no thaw in sight I am feeling very fat and lazy. Need to get me a Wii Fit or something…

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  3. It was negative-frickin’-forty degrees out today, with no relief in sight. I’d dance naked (indoors of course) or just plain-old ZERO degrees. FML.

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  4. Linda, get back out there with your 10-minute self. Ooo, you Im slow, I only run 10 minutes people burn me up. My friend David? My age? Runs less than a five-minute mile. You can imagine how I hate his gut parts.

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  5. June, you have made my day. I was one of the people talking about running those sloooowwww 10 minute miles. I was always one of the slowest people in my running group. It sure is nice to know that I would have left you in my dust back in my heyday.
    You almost make me want to start running again. I never really liked it while I was running, but oh that sanctimonious healthy afterglow.
    Your mom is such a hoot.

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  6. LOL You now know that 18 degrees C isn’t all that cold actually so I won’t say that… but what you might want to say is 18 Kelvins. Now THAT’S mighty cold.
    (That’s -427 degrees F and -255 degrees C if I did my math correctly.)

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  7. I appreciate Hulk’s comments about loving me as he does his own mother, but we all know how Oedipal that is. I can’t believe he is actually cold, so cold that his man parts…., well never mind, I don’t want to think about it. I can only say this as I have to June over the years, “Dress for it!” You must wear warm clothes in the winter. This should not be news to you. Wear a down coat, hat, scarf, gloves, boots, and long underwear. It’s not fair to complaint about freezing if you’re wearing a thin jacket and nothing else. Oh dear, I’ve made another unseemly reference.

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  8. “I guess saying “Fahrenheit” was not as impressive as if I’d said “Celsius,” because 18C is colder than 18F.”
    Ummmm…. no. But keep up the good math.

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  9. Have you ever noticed that when people look up into the sky to watch, for instance a flock of birds flying over, that most people have their mouths open. You know birds use open mouths for target paractice.

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  10. Two days ago in Elvistown, Zoe and I ran a couple of miles in 10 degree weather. Before that, 13 had been my measure of personal stupidity. Thankfully, there was very little wind, but I have to concur with Hulk on this one: it was so cold that my eyelids nearly froze shut.
    I laud thee for thy braveness.

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  11. It’s 56 degrees Fahrenheit here in usually sunny Las Vegas. I’m going in to work tonight and will probably need to bring a jacket for when I leave.
    I don’t like the 3 digit temps in the summer, but I have to say, fall, winter and spring are quite nice. Not that I’m about to go running in it. Maybe once I lose about 35 pounds…or not.

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  12. No efffffing way would I be out there RUNNING in the 18 degree weather. Yeah. No. I would do a 1 minute mile because I would be in MY CAR.
    I am totally impressed with the 14 minute mile. Good golly miss molly, it was ri-damn-diculously cold out there. I’m surprised your legs could move. YOU GO GIRL!
    I heart that picture of Onnree.
    Oh, and can I nominate Jan for runner up for commenter of the week? Calling Nugget a dick just about did me in.

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  13. I am totally impressed, you DID IT! Congratulations. I flaked out and missed my running club because I’m traveling back home today. Yeah. Excuses, excuses. So much for my New Year’s resolution. But I must say, my eggs benedict and steaming cup of coffee were quite tasty this morning. Tomorrow: major hike.

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  14. Everybody sing!!!!! “Mena Mena…. it’s effing cold out… mena mena…18 degrees…”

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  15. oh, junie, you make me jealous with your cold temps, for it is a balmie -36.4 F where I am at. (I had to google a converter for that one, that’s -38 C if you’re curious) I should FEDEX you a snowbank, the view out your window suggests you are deprived on that front, and I have lots to spare.

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  16. Thank you, June, for letting me vicariously run in the cold with you. On another note, I know someone who lives in Egg Harbor Township, but that is as close to it as I can get.

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  17. Yea, June! You actually went out and did it! Are you going to go out again? Was Henri helpful in the warm-back-up process?
    And, Dawn, are you going to go on a book-signing tour? I’ll try to get you a spot here in town. Of course we don’t have a book store…but I might be able to reserve a card table in the corner of the local feed store.

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  18. Hey! Look at me and my witty self! Does this mean I’ve been published? Because I’d like to put that on my resume, if I ever decide to get a job.
    I think I went to the same school as the other Erin, as I was a 17 minute miler myself. In fact, I think I hold the school record at flunking P.E.- Two years in a row.
    Just a side note, where my husband lives? It really does get to 55 degrees Celsius, I don’t even bother to look it up, because that is just effing hot.

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  19. Hey-was it cold whe you ran this morning?
    And I heart your mother as if she were my own, but it is FREEZING here in Violence City, USA!! Not, “Man it is cold out today.” No. I’m talking “Holy SHE-ITE! I think my man parts just crawled back inside…”.

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  20. you only weigh 8 more pounds than you did in 2000? that alone impresses me. i’m pretty sure i’m a solid 15 lbs. heavier. i guess i really should do something about that … boo.

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  21. Oh I’m so envious of your 18 degrees. FAHRENHEIT! Right now that would seem positively balmy. Boo for MN weather.

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  22. Um, 14:30? Really? I think you’re supposed to be able to WALK a mile at that pace. Did you stop for coffee along the way?

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  23. Oh, yeah, Chief! Youre right! I stayed in London one summer, and everyone kept complaining about the heat and theyd say things like, Isnt it awful? Its 59 degrees or whatever.
     
    Numbers are not my strong suit, Chief.

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  24. Actually 18 degrees Celcius would be in the 60s F, quite balmy. So 18 degrees F is much more impressive. My sister once contemplated going out and running when it was in the low single degrees, so she could join the “more miles than degrees” club, but I don’t think she ever did it.

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  25. Cafe press has thongs. Not rhinestone ones, but you could do June thongs if you wanted to.
    Also, 14:30? Is faster than I ever ran a mile in high school. I was a 17-minute kind of girl. Probably still am, since I haven’t actually attempted to time my mile in about 12 years and I no longer weigh 102. I miss my 16-year-old, slow-running body.

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  26. I think you run at a good pace. I have never run a mile in my life. It is sunny in Michgian and 26 degrees. Feels warm, truly, because of the rare sunshine. It makes me happy. I’m glad you’re running again.

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