B-I-N-G-Oh, wow, drag queens!

I have one word for you:




And I am really sorry that I continue to think it's funny to say "I have one word for you" and then I have lots of words. Clearly, I'd be a bad drag queen, cause I lack the funny.

But really, girl.

Who doesn't love bingo? Who doesn't love drag queens? What's better than combining the two for a fabulous, sold-out fundraiser right here in Greensboro?

My friend and somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin, and his nice girlfriend who we'll call Marty Martin's Woman–

I mean somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin's Woman–

invited some of us to join them at drag queen bingo last night, and event which apparently happens a couple times a year and how on EARTH did I not know about it before this?

Because you'll be stunned to hear I love me a drag queen.

And this is why I am writing to you today. You know, other than the part where I wanted to be a princess and a movie star when I was little, I have really never had any sort of career goals I am passionate about. I mean, I do love me some proofreading, sadly I really do, but I have never said, Oh, everything inside me churns to be a proofreader.

There was a period where I wanted to be a go-go dancer, but it's not up there with IT person for job demand.

But last night? Last night, I had an epiphany.

I really, really want to be a drag queen. You get to dress up, put on tons of makeup, then go out there and flail your arms dramatically to an ABBA song.

Glitter LIPSTICK, you guys. Have you ever met anyone who should be wearing glitter lipstick like it's okay more than me?

And I do not think it's fair that you have to be a man to be a drag queen. It's discrimination. I think it'd be kind of a novelty to let me do it.

So here's where I need you. First of all, I need a name. A good one. Last night there was a Fuchsia Red, and a Crystal Snow, and I've heard of a Lotta Slots, which is good. The only drag queen name I can come up with is Amanda Not. See, cause I'm…not…a…man…

Okay, it sucks. I know it sucks. You have to help me! Hey, June Gardens wouldn't be bad, actually.


Marvin, leaving drag queen bingo, trying desperately to look hetero. "Man! Do I ever love women! No luck here, guys! Cause women! Love 'em!"

Doesn't Marvin look cute in his spectacles? He needs them now to drive at night. Because we are 73.

Help a 73-year-old female drag queen! Get a sister a name!

Thank you.

Oh, and of COURSE Paula H&B is commenter of the week. You must click on This Week's Special at right to see her beautiful what-we-thought-was-Mennonite-but-really-is-Amish dirty talk. Because something is deeply wrong with all of us at Bye Bye, Pie.

102 thoughts on “B-I-N-G-Oh, wow, drag queens!

  1. Mine in Phoebe Duvet. There are a whole lot of us Duvet sisters or brothers or whatever. Hey mayb Gay Porn Santa wasn’t Gay Porn Santa at all but trying to be a Drag Queen Santa with a beard.


  2. Furry G is Tess Tosterone, while i am mainly Miss Understood. I really wanted to be Tess Tosterone buy my mom wouldn’t let me.
    Furry says to tell you Miss Creant is another possibility, as well as Miss Ann Thrope. I would humbly offer Miss Ogynist as well.
    Thanks for dropping the Terraplane bomb on Marty. He richly deserves it, rat that he is:)


  3. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.


  4. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.


  5. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.


  6. And I hope you, similarly to Stella, NEVER get your punctuation back. And btw, I love me some Marvin, and only wish I had found him first!


  7. Ok, my stripper name would be “Spunky Farnham” which would probably not be conducive to drunk men throwing dollar bills at me as I lurch around a brass pole.
    However, my drag queen name is “Bera Breast” which, yeah, does fit. Or it did back in my early 20’s when I was earning beer money by participating in wet t-shirt contests at the famous “Sundance” on the Parker Strip of the Colorado River. Ah, youth.


  8. Ditto what Furry said about our appreciating the love. I just have to say how much fun this is, playing word games with all of you good folks. Like anything else, practicing your wittiness has to help and it sure is good to laugh together.
    I would be a drag queen but I would have to shave my Van Dyke beard. I think I’d call myself Terra Firma. Hahahahah.


  9. Drag queen… Bingo? The two don’t really go together. I automatically think of old men in blond wigs playing bingo (with the prize being some prune-flavored lip gloss)…
    As for drag queen names, I would say a good one is Glimmer. Glimmer and something punny for the last name, since I’m no good at puns.


  10. Growing up, my mother always joked that her stripper name was Mona Goodbody. Now, she was not a stripper, nor could she have played one on tv, but she always thought she was hysterical. To this day, it is still the first name that pops into my head when I hear the words stripper or drag queen.


  11. Also? You said this fundraiser happens a couple times a year? Sounds like a great time/place for the Bye Bye Pie reunion/meet-n-greet/put faces with names. I think you should publish the particulars and we can all begin to make travel plans. I’m not even kidding.
    Think about how great we will all look in our group photo wearing our BBP t-shirts and rhinestone studded thongs.


  12. There is a recipe for finding your stripper name. The name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name. Mine is Ginger Dobson…kinda stripperish right? Ha. Well…I know it isn’t the formula for a drag name but hey…it’s all I got!


  13. Wow!! I was just telling my husband about gay bingo here in Dallas!!
    My porn/stripper name is Honey Dahlen. Perfect for the south.


  14. We used to stay across the street from a hotel called the Riu Belplaya in Spain, and The Spouse always said he thought he would use that as his drag queen name, should the time come.
    I am partial to Layona Davenport.


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