B-I-N-G-Oh, wow, drag queens!

I have one word for you:

DRAG.

QUEEN.

BINGO.

Dragqueenbingo
And I am really sorry that I continue to think it's funny to say "I have one word for you" and then I have lots of words. Clearly, I'd be a bad drag queen, cause I lack the funny.

But really, girl.

Largedrag
Who doesn't love bingo? Who doesn't love drag queens? What's better than combining the two for a fabulous, sold-out fundraiser right here in Greensboro?

Martymartin 
My friend and somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin, and his nice girlfriend who we'll call Marty Martin's Woman–

I mean somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin's Woman–

invited some of us to join them at drag queen bingo last night, and event which apparently happens a couple times a year and how on EARTH did I not know about it before this?

Prettyqueen
Because you'll be stunned to hear I love me a drag queen.

And this is why I am writing to you today. You know, other than the part where I wanted to be a princess and a movie star when I was little, I have really never had any sort of career goals I am passionate about. I mean, I do love me some proofreading, sadly I really do, but I have never said, Oh, everything inside me churns to be a proofreader.

There was a period where I wanted to be a go-go dancer, but it's not up there with IT person for job demand.

But last night? Last night, I had an epiphany.

I really, really want to be a drag queen. You get to dress up, put on tons of makeup, then go out there and flail your arms dramatically to an ABBA song.

Wannabeher
Glitter LIPSTICK, you guys. Have you ever met anyone who should be wearing glitter lipstick like it's okay more than me?

And I do not think it's fair that you have to be a man to be a drag queen. It's discrimination. I think it'd be kind of a novelty to let me do it.

So here's where I need you. First of all, I need a name. A good one. Last night there was a Fuchsia Red, and a Crystal Snow, and I've heard of a Lotta Slots, which is good. The only drag queen name I can come up with is Amanda Not. See, cause I'm…not…a…man…

Okay, it sucks. I know it sucks. You have to help me! Hey, June Gardens wouldn't be bad, actually.

Marvisstraight

Marvin, leaving drag queen bingo, trying desperately to look hetero. "Man! Do I ever love women! No luck here, guys! Cause women! Love 'em!"

Doesn't Marvin look cute in his spectacles? He needs them now to drive at night. Because we are 73.

Help a 73-year-old female drag queen! Get a sister a name!

Thank you.

Oh, and of COURSE Paula H&B is commenter of the week. You must click on This Week's Special at right to see her beautiful what-we-thought-was-Mennonite-but-really-is-Amish dirty talk. Because something is deeply wrong with all of us at Bye Bye, Pie.

102 thoughts on “B-I-N-G-Oh, wow, drag queens!

  1. Neshi Wisner is my stripper name…Not too bad.
    Oh, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go to drag queen bingo! Have any of you ever been to Key West? SO MUCH FUN! Gay men know how to party, is all I’m saying.

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  2. We used to stay across the street from a hotel called the Riu Belplaya in Spain, and The Spouse always said he thought he would use that as his drag queen name, should the time come.
    I am partial to Layona Davenport.

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  3. Wow!! I was just telling my husband about gay bingo here in Dallas!!
    My porn/stripper name is Honey Dahlen. Perfect for the south.

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  4. There is a recipe for finding your stripper name. The name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name. Mine is Ginger Dobson…kinda stripperish right? Ha. Well…I know it isn’t the formula for a drag name but hey…it’s all I got!

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  5. Also? You said this fundraiser happens a couple times a year? Sounds like a great time/place for the Bye Bye Pie reunion/meet-n-greet/put faces with names. I think you should publish the particulars and we can all begin to make travel plans. I’m not even kidding.
    Think about how great we will all look in our group photo wearing our BBP t-shirts and rhinestone studded thongs.

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  6. Candy Ass.
    Cox and Beaver… heh, heh, heh, heh. I’m giggling like Beavis and Butthead.

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  7. Growing up, my mother always joked that her stripper name was Mona Goodbody. Now, she was not a stripper, nor could she have played one on tv, but she always thought she was hysterical. To this day, it is still the first name that pops into my head when I hear the words stripper or drag queen.

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  8. Drag queen… Bingo? The two don’t really go together. I automatically think of old men in blond wigs playing bingo (with the prize being some prune-flavored lip gloss)…
    As for drag queen names, I would say a good one is Glimmer. Glimmer and something punny for the last name, since I’m no good at puns.

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  9. Ditto what Furry said about our appreciating the love. I just have to say how much fun this is, playing word games with all of you good folks. Like anything else, practicing your wittiness has to help and it sure is good to laugh together.
    I would be a drag queen but I would have to shave my Van Dyke beard. I think I’d call myself Terra Firma. Hahahahah.

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  10. Ok, my stripper name would be “Spunky Farnham” which would probably not be conducive to drunk men throwing dollar bills at me as I lurch around a brass pole.
    However, my drag queen name is “Bera Breast” which, yeah, does fit. Or it did back in my early 20’s when I was earning beer money by participating in wet t-shirt contests at the famous “Sundance” on the Parker Strip of the Colorado River. Ah, youth.

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  11. And I hope you, similarly to Stella, NEVER get your punctuation back. And btw, I love me some Marvin, and only wish I had found him first!

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  12. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.

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  13. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.

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  14. Has anyone else noticed how exceptionally good Furry & TerraP are at Mennonite Porn and Drag Queen Names? Simply.Awesome.

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  15. Furry G is Tess Tosterone, while i am mainly Miss Understood. I really wanted to be Tess Tosterone buy my mom wouldn’t let me.
    Furry says to tell you Miss Creant is another possibility, as well as Miss Ann Thrope. I would humbly offer Miss Ogynist as well.
    Thanks for dropping the Terraplane bomb on Marty. He richly deserves it, rat that he is:)

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  16. Mine in Phoebe Duvet. There are a whole lot of us Duvet sisters or brothers or whatever. Hey mayb Gay Porn Santa wasn’t Gay Porn Santa at all but trying to be a Drag Queen Santa with a beard.

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  17. Oh yeah, the formula? I would be Larri Warren. Not so exotic, eh?

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  18. Charlamaine Intervention, just call me Charley?
    seems kinda long to me…not quite the cachet of say, “Farfel Mountain”.

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  19. The generator gave me Monica Duvet. The formula would give me Honey Shamrock. However, I am Italian, and picture a Honey Shamrock having an Irish accent, green glitter all over, and some wild red hair.

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  20. I have a friend who used to be a karaoke hostess at a bar here in DC called Madams Organ. She’s the friend I went to Sardinia with this summer (you can see my photos on Facebook). When she did the karaoke thang, she would dress up as a drag queen – although she is a very beautiful, natural-born woman – complete with wig, crazy sexy dresses, glitter lipstick, etc – and my friend Kristyne called herself Mittens Sandalwood, which is her porn-star name. So I would calculate yours (I’m sure you already know how) and go with that. She is available via email for any drag-queen-although-you’re-already-a-woman advice you may need.

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  21. Dawn in Austin, I too am Divine Intervention! Well, I am with my maiden name. With my married name, I am Divine Tension.
    And when I put in my husband’s name, he’s also Divine Tension. And no, we do not have the same first name, or even close. I think I picked the broken name generator.

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  22. I don’t think I can have a drag queen name because dang despite my love for all things draggy and queenie or in my case saggy and …. well you get the picture. I just hate that these guys look better as drag women then I do as a normal one!

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  23. Just call me Anya Courtisan in the mornin’ darlin’. Or Kristy Kreme. Anybody else craving donuts suddenly?

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  24. My Byebyepie bling is here! My byebyepie bling is here! I’m SOMEBODY now!!!!!!

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  25. June, good for you for sticking up for Marvin. Back off, IAIN!!
    My drag queen name was Ophelia Cox!
    I did it again and it came up Donna Summersaults!! I could do this all day.

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  26. My stripper name would be Mocha Newton. Which is better than my mom’s which is Hobo Hooker! LOL!
    My drag queen name was NuPaul. I like my stripper name better!

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  27. Wow, I think that was the only time all night when I was not smiling goofily…bravo on the snapshot.
    I ran the drag queen name generator and got Lotta Estrogen…not bad. On the second run it was far too racy for inclusion here. But the best I found in my brief search
    Helena Handbasket

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  28. Okay, so according to the drag queen name generator, I’m Ivana Dick. I have to say I adore my stripper name, Tootles Madison!!

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  29. Well, Cyndi, sometimes. I mostly got them when I was in that funniest blogger contest and I think competitors were coming over and being mean. Which, come on. Its not a competition for a Rhodes Scholarship or something. Calm down.

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  30. Oh, I loved some drag shows back in the day. In Charlotte, in the 80s, the best drag queen names were tres French and tres girly, like Genevieve Ducharme or something.
    Now I am old and live in what must be the town least likely to have drag queens at all.
    Do you actually ever get “June you suck!” comments?

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  31. Devine Tension, but if I use the stripper formula, I’m Katy Spring. This is pretty funny, thanks for the laugh. And, I’m horribly jealous of men who can do their makeup so well.

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  32. HULK IS BEHIND THIS!!! I just did it and my name was Creme Bru Lay. Who knew Hulk operated a Drag Queen naming service?

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  33. Okay,1980 called and it wants it faux shearling-collared corduroy Levi’s jacket back. What’s up with Marvin and his multiple shirt layered look?

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  34. But Shelley, I appreciate you reading the comments first to check. I love it when we cover something and then 10 comments later, hey look! Here we are back at that subject again! Although in fairness, sometimes my comments can take longer to read than the actual post. Which is wonderful, as I love all comments. Even June, you suck! comments.

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  35. I was going to tell you the thing about the pet’s name and the street, but of course, your other quicker readers have beaten me to it. I feel compelled though, to tell you that my name is Buffy Wesleyan. I’ve always loved my stripper/drag queen name.

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  36. Drag queen makeup are the most artistic, beautiful works of art. I am so very jealous you have drag queen bingo. The only bingo we have is at the senior center… with no booze. And really, how fun is that?

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  37. Mittens Antrim?
    I grew up on Antrim Court. Once a really drunk and pervy dad drove me home after a babysitting gig. When I told him to turn right and he saw the name of my street, he was all, “Excuse, me, waiter, I’d like to order the Steak Antrim, please.” Nice.
    Ima Hotchick?

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  38. Patches Luther. I guess that’s all you can expect when you have a hamster for a pet.

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  39. I am SO jealous. The only fundraisers we ever get are bake sales and pancake breakfasts. Feh. I want a drag queen bingo!

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  40. I am SO jealous. The only fundraisers we ever get are bake sales and pancake breakfasts. Feh. I want a drag queen bingo!

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  41. I am SO jealous. The only fundraisers we ever get are bake sales and pancake breakfasts. Feh. I want a drag queen bingo!

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  42. And yes, Marvin does look cute in those specs. I can just see that face inside a daffodil.

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  43. Wasn’t there some email thing going around a while back where you pick your stripper name by using your first pet’s name as your first name and the street you first lived on as your last name? My stripper name would be Taffy Dunbar.

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