I have one word for you:
But really, girl.
My friend and somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin, and his nice girlfriend who we'll call Marty Martin's Woman–
I mean somewhat-Faithful-Reader-except-he-hasn't-read-my-blog-since-he-started-his-new-job-and-I-don't-see-where-that's-an-excuse-because-Terraplane-reads-and-comments-from-HIS-new-job-and-OMG-I-am-so-using-this-entire-intro-every-time-I-say-his-name-which-is-Marty-Martin's Woman–
invited some of us to join them at drag queen bingo last night, and event which apparently happens a couple times a year and how on EARTH did I not know about it before this?
And this is why I am writing to you today. You know, other than the part where I wanted to be a princess and a movie star when I was little, I have really never had any sort of career goals I am passionate about. I mean, I do love me some proofreading, sadly I really do, but I have never said, Oh, everything inside me churns to be a proofreader.
There was a period where I wanted to be a go-go dancer, but it's not up there with IT person for job demand.
But last night? Last night, I had an epiphany.
I really, really want to be a drag queen. You get to dress up, put on tons of makeup, then go out there and flail your arms dramatically to an ABBA song.
And I do not think it's fair that you have to be a man to be a drag queen. It's discrimination. I think it'd be kind of a novelty to let me do it.
So here's where I need you. First of all, I need a name. A good one. Last night there was a Fuchsia Red, and a Crystal Snow, and I've heard of a Lotta Slots, which is good. The only drag queen name I can come up with is Amanda Not. See, cause I'm…not…a…man…
Okay, it sucks. I know it sucks. You have to help me! Hey, June Gardens wouldn't be bad, actually.
Marvin, leaving drag queen bingo, trying desperately to look hetero. "Man! Do I ever love women! No luck here, guys! Cause women! Love 'em!"
Doesn't Marvin look cute in his spectacles? He needs them now to drive at night. Because we are 73.
Help a 73-year-old female drag queen! Get a sister a name!
Oh, and of COURSE Paula H&B is commenter of the week. You must click on This Week's Special at right to see her beautiful what-we-thought-was-Mennonite-but-really-is-Amish dirty talk. Because something is deeply wrong with all of us at Bye Bye, Pie.