The one where June gets no rest

As you can imagine, I was up late enjoying the drag queen bingo on Friday night.

Well. You know. Late for me. Meaning I got home at, like, 11:00, which wooo! What happened to 1988 June? Coming home late then meant 7:00 in the morning.

But unlike 1988 June, I had to get up and go running with my running group, and once I had run my two miles obscenely early yesterday morning, the running instructor said, “How you feeling, June?” and I stupidly said, “Fine!” because then she said, “Okay, then, I’m going to challenge you.”

Can I interject? I hate challenges. You know how everyone’s resume says they want a challenging position? I don’t. Couldn’t everything just be easy? I’d like a position where I already know everything and I breeze through my day. I mean really.

So she challenges me to run up a hill. A HILL. And of course I did it, because I clearly hate myself, and who was terribly sorry she ate 394783920 fried pickles at drag queen bingo?

After having seven heart attacks and coming home and telling Marvin my jaw hurt and I was certain it was my heart about to explode, I had to get my roots done, which maybe that doesn’t sound taxing to you, but I had to be there for over three hours because, hello, I have hair.

My point is, I was ready to go to sleep last night, I’ll tell you what.

I settled all in, and I was happiness personified. I was so drifty…

Then Marvin started moving his feet.

Marvin has this thing where after he’s fallen asleep, he moves his feet around. It’s not Restless Leg Syndrome, because that is where you move your legs before you fall asleep. Once Marvin starts with the feet thing, he often progresses to jerking his entire body, every couple minutes, for the rest of the night.

I lay there, and every time I’d drift off, JERK! Marvin would move. Also, the dog was on my legs, which were cramping, and after an hour of JOLT! and being pinned under a dog, I got up and went to the other bed.

I was just nicely getting to sleep when I heard, “Where’d you GO?”

Sighhhh.

It was Marvin and his modern-dance-moves-in-his-sleep self, lording over the bed. “You were doing the jerking thing, and I could not fall asleep.”

“But it’ll be lonely in there,” said Marvin, who I knew would be back in REM in .06 seconds once he went back to bed. Which he did.

So finally, FINALLY, I fell asleep, only to hear, “Click!” …..”CLICK!”…..”Click!” I tried, OH I TRIED, to ignore it, and I could hear old Marv and Tallulah sawing logs in their “lonely” room. THEY were capable of ignoring it.

“CLICK!”

“CRAP!” I said, throwing back the covers violently.

Winston and Henry were on the built-in shelf in the hallway, taking turns playing with my iPod earbuds. One would pat at it–“CLICK!”–then the other would. I have never left my iPod out before, so this must have been a thrilling novelty.

Here is an artist’s rendering of Winston and Henry on the shelf, to give you a bit of a highly accurate visual.

Catsonshelf
Yes, I am available for hire. If you need extraordinarily lifelike renderings of cats, with really really concise proportions, call June! I like how Henry is smaller than the Ugly Doll. And the iPod.

I put the iPod in my jewelry box, there, which is really an old box that had powder and soap in it in 1952, and I love love love it, and could you remind me that’s where I put said iPod, because you know I will forget and not see it for the next six months.

I returned to the bed and immediately fell asleep again. Because did I mention I was tired? And had run two miles then up Mt. McKinley?

“CRASH!”

This was the loudest sound you have ever heard. It was awesome and terrible.

Franpossessed
Guess who was at fault. And I have better pictures of Win and Hen, but I so enjoy how Francis looks like one of the scary owls from the bad forest in Wizard of Oz, here.
And speaking of proportion, I have somehow made it look like you have to lose weight before you can open our refrigerator. It looks like the narrowest space on earth. Which it isn’t. Our bathroom is.

So not only was there a great and terrible crash, then there was some odd, repetitive noise I could not even describe to you. Mostly because I was too busy picturing myself gleefully beheading everyone else who lives in this dwelling. This dwelling of REMus Interruptus.

Did I mention I could still hear lonely Marvin sawing logs?

This time those dreadful churls had done something that defied all logic and reason.

They had somehow UNSCREWED the vent-y, screen-y thing underneath the shelf, torn down the filter-y thing behind that (have I mentioned I am an architect and also a heating expert? When I’m not using the Paint program, I mean), and had CRAWLED INTO IT and under the house. I am not even making this up. In fact, I am not so sure they crawled under the house so much as back into the bowels of hell from whence they came.

I had to TALK THEM INTO coming back up, put everything back together, then try not to slice them both into teensy pieces, dry them into jerky, and chew them merrily for breakfast.

Honestly. Winston was a really good cat until he met Henry. It’s like he’s joined a gang or something.

Wherecatzrbad

Also? My 44-year-old white self is available to tag things for YOUR gang. Give me a call, won’t you? Gang person?

I’m going to take a nap.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

49 thoughts on “The one where June gets no rest”

  1. Sometimes it seems like all the forces of evil, four-footed children included, have ganged up against you. At that exact moment, it truly is nap time.
    REMus Interruptus indeed. Great poost today. Ciao for now.

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  2. Had a cat who would go into the toy box and pick out one lego, just one, and proceed to flick it all over the house. all. night. long.
    I’m thinking the jerk thing is a guy thing. Not that that guys are jerks! Well, sometimes they are. But I mean that thing where they jerk when they fall asleep, that’s a guy thing. CGMan does that every night. If he knew how close to death he was sometimes, I wonder if his life would dream in front of his eyes.

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  3. I have been gasping for air for the past 3 days reading your blog. Seriously, I am dying over here.
    We’re big Seinfeld fans so we call those annoying jerking sleeping movements “jimmy legs” or “jimmy feet” and so on.

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  4. I’m a jerk too. My jerky self destroys my own REMs let alone anyone within striking distance.
    Freaky coincidence number two; I move my feet before I go to sleep. It’s a comfort thing. I’ve done it since I was little. Let me tell you, this was a real romance booster. Guys always loved trying to fall asleep while their new main new squeeze starts doing the frog kick in a double bed.
    Ah, fond memories…

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  5. Also? I was reading the paper this morning while I was eating my pancakes. As I was perusing the obits I stopped suddenly and almost choked on my pancake. June Gardens, aged 91, passed away. It was a little weird to see that name looking at me. Then I gigggled at my own reaction. Which isn’t surprising because I am an inappropriate giggler at funerals.

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  6. Jan, YOU MUST post June’s Obit. PLEASE!
    June, I am so sorry to hear about your demise. You were caught in a gang war crossfire weren’t you?

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  7. I was having a really crappy morning until I read your post today. When I start laughing uncontrollably, my husband just says, “Reading Bye Bye, Pie again, huh?” I hope you get some sleep tonight!

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  8. Has Marvin tried the bar of soap under the fitted sheet at the foot of the bed for his RLS? Supposedly it allegedly works to stop the jerking around (but not the jerking off and did I say that out loud?)
    Francis, (Team Francis here!) looks like the deer caught in the headlights “You guys are SO in trouble now!”
    Winston seems to be giving ol’ Fran a run for the money in the El Bee Ess department.
    June, you have to start adding the WH turf tag to all your photos now.

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  9. Gladys, I would be happy to post June’s obit but it is fairly run of the mill boring. Not at all what I would imagine for June’s obit:
    June Gardens
    Witty, warm and wise June Gardens, formerly of Saginaw, WI, LA, and Tiny Town, NC, passed away yesterday in what police sources are calling a “drag queen gang war”. Police are still investigating the apparent homicide and are not releasing many details to the media. One police source, speaking on conditions of anonymity, said that it was “the worst crime scene I have personally ever witnessed. Young officer, without as many years on the force, were being carried away from the scene, crying. I doubt any of them will ever work in the field again. It was just awful… glitter, fake eyelashes, wigs just scattered everywhere…” The office trailed off and after composing himself and accepting a tissue from this reporter continued, “we have been having big trouble with these drag queen gangs. One moved into town and then a few months later another group came in. The first group began to defend their turf, tagging hair and nail salons around town with some sort of glitter lipstick paint. The second group responded by trying to lure children from the local high school into joining their gang.”
    Marvin Gardens, June’s husband, said that his wife hadn’t been the same since the couple went to a Drag Queen Bingo fundraising event. He would often catch her coming home late at night, often after 10pm, and she would have remanants of glitter on her coat. “She became moody, indifferent and defensive. I knew the drag queens were behind it but I didn’t know where to turn for help.”
    June is survived by her husband, her animal companions, Talulah, Francis, Winston and Henry and her faithful following of readers on her wildly popular “Bye Bye Pie” blog.

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  10. OMG. Jan. I am dying. (I originally wrote, “dyking”. Excuse me while I hike up my Freudian Slip. I must be channeling Sigmund.)
    Terra and I had a cat named Myshkin who, when she wanted to play in the wee small hours of the morning, would perch upon the dresser and scoot delicate objects to the edge. She would move them only an inch or two at a time. If you didn’t get up –oopsie!– There goes Mommy’s precious heirloom or glass of diet Coke. Ann Noy Ing. (the Asian drag queen in the gang)
    Let’s see. Drag Queen Gang Names for two hundred, Alex… The Hot Slashes? The Hairnet Hussies? The Sister Razor’s Sledge?

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  11. OMG. Jan. I am dying. (I originally wrote, “dyking”. Excuse me while I hike up my Freudian Slip. I must be channeling Sigmund.)
    Terra and I had a cat named Myshkin who, when she wanted to play in the wee small hours of the morning, would perch upon the dresser and scoot delicate objects to the edge. She would move them only an inch or two at a time. If you didn’t get up –oopsie!– There goes Mommy’s precious heirloom or glass of diet Coke. Ann Noy Ing. (the Asian drag queen in the gang)
    Let’s see. Drag Queen Gang Names for two hundred, Alex… The Hot Slashes? The Hairnet Hussies? The Sister Razor’s Sledge?

    Like

  12. OMG. Jan. I am dying. (I originally wrote, “dyking”. Excuse me while I hike up my Freudian Slip. I must be channeling Sigmund.)
    Terra and I had a cat named Myshkin who, when she wanted to play in the wee small hours of the morning, would perch upon the dresser and scoot delicate objects to the edge. She would move them only an inch or two at a time. If you didn’t get up –oopsie!– There goes Mommy’s precious heirloom or glass of diet Coke. Ann Noy Ing. (the Asian drag queen in the gang)
    Let’s see. Drag Queen Gang Names for two hundred, Alex… The Hot Slashes? The Hairnet Hussies? The Sister Razor’s Sledge?

    Like

  13. June, we are living the same life with different addresses… Why am I the only one to EVER hear them??? And then I have to check out the noise and what is going on. Then I am even more awake after dealing with those animals that have slept the.whole.live.long.day but spring into action after midnight.

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  14. Oh my word, you are hilarious. This was a terribly therapeutic story to read. You know, my husband does that same jerking the legs thing?! It’s not all the time but it makes me crazy. What in the world is it??? I’ll think of you next time it happens.

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  15. I totally want Jan to write my obituary and speak at my funeral in, oh, 45 years or so. What a great sendoff for the imaginary June Gardens. I hope that the real one gets sent home in such high style.
    I heard that June was killed by a six inch spike heel on a size 13 pump. Sad indeed, but you know how ugly it can get when good drag queens go bad.
    Furry, how about the Bipolar Bears as a gang name?

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  16. June: When Restless Legs happens at night, it’s called Periodic Limb Movements of Sleep (PLMS). It’s a sleep disorder and may be mucking with his stage 4 sleep.

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  17. If Marv was sleeping with Lula….. well she’s one hot bitch.

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  18. This just cracked me up, not to mention the comments. I feel your pain. My cat WAKES UP just as we go to bed, then I’m up and down three and four times trying to feed him, let him out, etc., until finally, I put him in the kitchen and close the door. I too have been known to escape to the upstairs bedrooms. Oh yes, and I’m also dealing with the snoring by my dear hubby. I desperately need a nap.

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  19. My cats always manage to find a BEAD or something and mouse it around the house in the wee small hours. NASCAT races or something. Then there is The Hall Closet We MUST Get Into. Add to this the Table With the Precarious Leg that is just waiting to be knocked over and you have me in Full Body Twitch from 3:30 a.m. until the alarm goes off.

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  20. I find it hysterical that out of that whole blog detailing June’s frustrating night, Paula H & B only comments on the fried pickles.

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  21. OMG, we are living the same life. Andy does that same damn thing (he did it last night, so I’m really cranky today) and he snores and rubs his head, so he always ends up dropping an elbow on my head. I usually just stay up half the night and go to bed when he goes to work. It’s safer. And Punk likes to try to eat my earbuds instead of playing with them. I don’t know why, he just developed a sudden fascination with them.
    Freudian slips seem to be everywhere today. I was trying to read this, while laughing, to Andy and accidentally said “As I was jerking off, DRIFT!” …and then we were both laughing.
    BTW, Andy also sleeps thru every loud noise. A shelf collapsed in our last apartment and a bottle of liquor fell out and bounced across the kitchen, making THE LOUDEST NOISE I have EVER heard. I thought someone was breaking in and I had to wake Andy and yell at him to protect me! Harumph.

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  22. What is wrong with you people? Cats belong outside of the bedroom….with the door CLOSED! We sleep so much better: they can hork up, chew up, caterwal all they like; they are outside of the bedroom and NOT bothering me!
    But Bob does that jerky leg thing too, know that this is considered a sign of heart disease. Just saying…

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  23. My husband also has the “jimmy feet” syndrome. Occasionally, he will wake up & say, “man my feet are bothering me”. No shit, they are bothering me too! At least it’s not an every night thing.
    and June…your tagging skills are off the hook! I’ll spread the word in the hood.

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  24. I’ve been a lurker for a while, but I had to comment about the jerking – I do it too! I was diagnosed with Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, which means I twitch/jerk every 2-5 minutes when I’m asleep. I haven’t found a remedy yet, but maybe with your fancy blog connections you can figure out something 🙂

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