Five people I will not meet in heaven because hi. You really think I’m gettin’ in?

I was paging through my intellectually stimulating Allure magazine today, or maybe it was In Style, whichever–and why do I read those anymore? I used to be young and thin and have money. Now I have none of those things and all my clothes either come from Old Navy or my mother's closet when she has one of her, "I'm too fat to wear this" purges.

Anyway, in said magazine it said that Sarah Jessica Parker likes to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County, and it improved my life exponentially. Because you know I like me some RHOC, and it pains me to admit it. And now that my hero, Sarah Jessica, likes it–and for the same reasons I do, that she can't believe people like this exist on the planet–I feel so vindicated.

Sarah Jessica Parker is one of those women who, if I see an article or show on her, I will drop everything to learn more. I am fascinated by Sarah Jessica Parker.

I think I like her because we are exactly the same age, first of all, and also she appears to have my hair. I mean, if she didn't have a team of people working on it all the time, I fear her hair would look like mine. Also too, of course her character, Carrie Bradshaw, is exactly who I want to be. Except I'd have stuck with Berger. Or Petrovsky.

I like that she is not technically beautiful, yet sometimes you look at her and think, "Wow, she is absolutely striking." She's interesting. The French have a phrase that means "pretty/ugly," meaning someone is pretty and ugly at the same time, and of course I can't recall the phrase, but it's kind of Sarah Jessica Parker, in a way.

Finally, she seems really polite and fairly normal. She doesn't seem like a diva. Although recently on Howard Stern, Sandra Bernhard intimated that my gal SJP was in fact a total diva. But you know what? I refuse to believe her.

There are a few other women I am equally fascinated with, although not many. You all know the women who make my nethers pucker up and twitch:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow (even writing her name makes me annoyed),
  • Eva Mendes (no idea why. She just irritates me. She thinks she's so cool. I guess that's it. I mean, all celebrities think they're cool, but she seems extra taken with herself.) (She probably had an unbelievable class ring.),
  • and finally, the grande dame of all, my personal favorite, Angelina Jolie. Oh, how she bugs. She's such a sourpuss.

But here are the other women who make me drop everything when I see their names:


If I can't be Carrie Bradshaw, can I be Jackie Kennedy? Oh, the elegance, the beauty, the perfection. She is everything I am not. I'll bet you never once saw her bra strap. I'll bet she never once put the cork in her mouth and shot it across the dinner table.

And you know appropriate people make me nervous. I never know what to DO around polite, appropriate people. It always makes me want to lift my leg and clean myself like I'm one of my cats; I just get a terrible urge to be INappropriate. But I still want to be Jackie.

Jackie rocked. Admit it.

I know, right? Speaking of Jackie's polar opposite. Yet I am fascinated, fascinated, by Courtney Love. She lived in Seattle when I did, and I saw her once. She lived in LA when I did, and I saw her once. I think in reality she is obsessed with me. Because I'm sure my life wouldn't bore her to tears or anything.

Courtney Love and I are also the same age, which is part of why she's interesting to me. Plus she's really smart despite being bat-shit crazy. I don't know. I am just drawn to her. I wonder if I could get Jackie and Courtney to come over one night? Watch some Real Housewives with me?

You know what it is? I want to be totally rebellious and out of hand like Courtney Love, all the while looking graceful and elegant like Jackie. Is that possible? And I want to be really high fashion like Sarah Jessica Parker.


And speaking of rebellious and high fashion, my list could not be complete without my gal Laura Ingalls Wilder. I have seen every picture of Laura that has been made public, and have studied them all for about 800 hours apiece. I like this one because I dig her collar, and also I like how Almanzo kind of looks like every guy from Saginaw, Michigan in 1981. Put him in a Foghat T shirt and he could be in my yearbook. He's totally on his way out the door to get some Mickey's Big Mouths from some guy who will buy for him down to the 7-Eleven, there.

At any rate. Adore Laura because she is an optimist, a hard worker, practical, uncomplaining and once again all the things I am not.


Oh, and Anais Nin. You don't even know how bad I want to be Anais Nin in the '20s, with my black bob and my French accent, smoking my Gauloises and sipping my Mickey's Big Mouth.

If you don't know who she is, she was French and had a big affair with Henry Miller and also his wife and she wrote dirty books yet was married to a rich guy the whole time and she was kind of a drama queen and oh! I like me some Anais Nin. Am riveted by her.

She also said my favorite thing: We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.

And apparently I am secretly a French drama queen from the prairie who wears cutting-edge fashions and shoots up while being married to the president.

77 thoughts on “Five people I will not meet in heaven because hi. You really think I’m gettin’ in?

  1. Ohhh, I’m SOOO with you Junie on the the whole Angelina thing. She is just so flippin’ annoying. And gross. When she made out with her brother on that awards show? Oy…we all needed a shower after that. And the vial of Billy-Bob’s blood she wore around her neck? The woman is a freak show. GROSS!
    And, Victoria Beckham needs to eat a cookie and then get over herself. Good LORD, woman. Be happy already! Do you SEE your husband? The man is GORgeous!
    Love the SJP. She’s just great.
    Oh, and did you catch Drew Barrymore’s acceptance speech at the SAG awards? It was as annoying as the speech she gave at the Golden Globes! (And, incidentally, it was for the part she played in Grey Gardens, mentioned above!)
    Lastly, would love a post dedicated to your thoughts on the RHOC ladies. I know you’re such a big fan Vicki!! Hee!


  2. Sandra Bernhard? UGH!!! I mean U-G-L-Y! You ain’t got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah! yeah! You ugly! It’s the only cheer I really know since cheerleaders seriously get on my nerves. That French word you were looking for for SJP about being pretty/ugly? I don’t know what it is but the French word for SB? Laideur de derrier!


  3. All I know is gimme some of those Olsen twins… It would be so great not to know who was who…MK…Ashlee…ahhh what the heck…


  4. With all this SJP talk I cannot believe that nobody mentioned her first show, Square Pegs. 1982. She was a teenager, it was a short lived but great show.


  5. Am I the only one who likes Vicky B? She had an hour-long special on TV about 2 years ago, “The Beckhams Come to America” or something like that and she was an absolute hoot and a half! I wanted to call her up and beg to be her best friend, she was that funny.


  6. This may just be my favorite post of yours ever. I also heart Real Housewives because it’s so hard to believe that people like that actually do exist. It’s so shocking and disturbing that I can’t look away.


  7. Right there with you on Anais Nin. I used to try to channel her when I was in my twenties…dragged these huge journals around, too. Her taste in men made me nervous, though. I’ve grown out of her, but she’s a part of me. She’d have blogged, you know.


  8. I think I pretty much agree with all of these. Accept I like Gwyneth. She’s just MY age, but I could only dream of being as gorgeous as she is. *le sigh*
    And I agree with being around classy people. Not that I want to lift up my leg and scratch, ahem, but they make me and my hoof-in-mouth self quite the nervous nellie.


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