Five people I will not meet in heaven because hi. You really think I’m gettin’ in?

I was paging through my intellectually stimulating Allure magazine today, or maybe it was In Style, whichever–and why do I read those anymore? I used to be young and thin and have money. Now I have none of those things and all my clothes either come from Old Navy or my mother's closet when she has one of her, "I'm too fat to wear this" purges.

Anyway, in said magazine it said that Sarah Jessica Parker likes to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County, and it improved my life exponentially. Because you know I like me some RHOC, and it pains me to admit it. And now that my hero, Sarah Jessica, likes it–and for the same reasons I do, that she can't believe people like this exist on the planet–I feel so vindicated.

Sjp
Sarah Jessica Parker is one of those women who, if I see an article or show on her, I will drop everything to learn more. I am fascinated by Sarah Jessica Parker.

I think I like her because we are exactly the same age, first of all, and also she appears to have my hair. I mean, if she didn't have a team of people working on it all the time, I fear her hair would look like mine. Also too, of course her character, Carrie Bradshaw, is exactly who I want to be. Except I'd have stuck with Berger. Or Petrovsky.

I like that she is not technically beautiful, yet sometimes you look at her and think, "Wow, she is absolutely striking." She's interesting. The French have a phrase that means "pretty/ugly," meaning someone is pretty and ugly at the same time, and of course I can't recall the phrase, but it's kind of Sarah Jessica Parker, in a way.

Finally, she seems really polite and fairly normal. She doesn't seem like a diva. Although recently on Howard Stern, Sandra Bernhard intimated that my gal SJP was in fact a total diva. But you know what? I refuse to believe her.

There are a few other women I am equally fascinated with, although not many. You all know the women who make my nethers pucker up and twitch:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow (even writing her name makes me annoyed),
  • Eva Mendes (no idea why. She just irritates me. She thinks she's so cool. I guess that's it. I mean, all celebrities think they're cool, but she seems extra taken with herself.) (She probably had an unbelievable class ring.),
  • and finally, the grande dame of all, my personal favorite, Angelina Jolie. Oh, how she bugs. She's such a sourpuss.

But here are the other women who make me drop everything when I see their names:

Jackie

If I can't be Carrie Bradshaw, can I be Jackie Kennedy? Oh, the elegance, the beauty, the perfection. She is everything I am not. I'll bet you never once saw her bra strap. I'll bet she never once put the cork in her mouth and shot it across the dinner table.

And you know appropriate people make me nervous. I never know what to DO around polite, appropriate people. It always makes me want to lift my leg and clean myself like I'm one of my cats; I just get a terrible urge to be INappropriate. But I still want to be Jackie.

Jackie rocked. Admit it.

Courtney
I know, right? Speaking of Jackie's polar opposite. Yet I am fascinated, fascinated, by Courtney Love. She lived in Seattle when I did, and I saw her once. She lived in LA when I did, and I saw her once. I think in reality she is obsessed with me. Because I'm sure my life wouldn't bore her to tears or anything.

Courtney Love and I are also the same age, which is part of why she's interesting to me. Plus she's really smart despite being bat-shit crazy. I don't know. I am just drawn to her. I wonder if I could get Jackie and Courtney to come over one night? Watch some Real Housewives with me?

You know what it is? I want to be totally rebellious and out of hand like Courtney Love, all the while looking graceful and elegant like Jackie. Is that possible? And I want to be really high fashion like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Laura

And speaking of rebellious and high fashion, my list could not be complete without my gal Laura Ingalls Wilder. I have seen every picture of Laura that has been made public, and have studied them all for about 800 hours apiece. I like this one because I dig her collar, and also I like how Almanzo kind of looks like every guy from Saginaw, Michigan in 1981. Put him in a Foghat T shirt and he could be in my yearbook. He's totally on his way out the door to get some Mickey's Big Mouths from some guy who will buy for him down to the 7-Eleven, there.

At any rate. Adore Laura because she is an optimist, a hard worker, practical, uncomplaining and once again all the things I am not.

Anais

Oh, and Anais Nin. You don't even know how bad I want to be Anais Nin in the '20s, with my black bob and my French accent, smoking my Gauloises and sipping my Mickey's Big Mouth.

If you don't know who she is, she was French and had a big affair with Henry Miller and also his wife and she wrote dirty books yet was married to a rich guy the whole time and she was kind of a drama queen and oh! I like me some Anais Nin. Am riveted by her.

She also said my favorite thing: We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.

And apparently I am secretly a French drama queen from the prairie who wears cutting-edge fashions and shoots up while being married to the president.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

77 thoughts on “Five people I will not meet in heaven because hi. You really think I’m gettin’ in?”

  1. Have you read Anais Nin’s diaries? I tried to years back, but perhaps I needed more life-experience to appreciate them. I’ve always loved the various quotes of hers though, so maybe I’ll try again.

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  2. How funny that I read this today, b/c yesterday “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was on, and that is one of my guilty pleasure movies. Feel free to edit this comment b/c i am sure that is one heck of a run-on sentence.
    You must, must read “Kafka was the Rage” by Anatole Broyard. He lived in Greenwich village in the 40’s with a woman who was Anais Nin’s protege. It’s such a cool book.

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  3. I have heard gossip that SJP is a diva and she and Samantha (I can’t think of her real name) didn’t get along and that’s why the SATC movie almost didn’t get made. But I believe Samantha is a total diva too. Diva or not I think SJP is stunning. Also, I would have choose Aiden over any of the others. Berger had “man” issues and the Russian left her alone at the museum.

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  4. So… Sandra Bernhard also intimated to Howard that his stylist, Ralph Cirella, had a three way with her and her girlfriend. SHE LIED. TOTALLY LIED. Really. Can you ever trust anything that comes out of her mouth?
    I also am fascinated with Jackie O. If the occasion ever presents itself, I will share with you the trauma that occured in my life when John-John went down. And how I asked a teenaged boy, who was running the register at Wal-Mart, if there had been any news on John-John. (I was where I couldn’t check the news, back in the dark ages before smart phones). He looked at me like I had three heads and then had the gall to ask who John-John was.
    I am equally fascinated with the royal family. All of them. All the way back. Way, way, way back. I wish I could marry one of them just to get into their closets.

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  5. I wish Courtney Love was my cousin, she’d show up drunk for Thanksgiving and probably smear the pumpkin pie on the furniture but she’d sing Violet and be really fun to play Taboo with.

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  6. I refuse to believe that SJP is a diva too, simply because when you see her ‘off duty’ she’s always walking around NYC with her son, no make-up on and usually wearing leggings and Uggs just like the rest of us.
    No diva-behaviour there unlike some “ahem Mariah ahem”
    Oh and the French word for an unconventional beauty is jolie laide :0)

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  7. I have always admired soft-spoken women. I want to be soft-spoken. I don’t know how to be soft-spoken. Much fascination, must be studied. How do they do it!

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  8. Anais Nin is dead? I thought she was a contemporary writer.
    If you listen to a video of Jackie O from the 60’s, she sounds really spacy and scary. Women were expected to sound dumb and self-effacing back then. Although I’m not arguing with the elegance factor…
    My idol is Michelle Obama. I want to be her, and not just because she gets to listen to her husband talk all the time. She’s gorgeous and she’s strong.

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  9. I don’t know if this will make you happy or disgusted. Last night on the regular eleven o’clock news the newscaster announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had seen divorce lawyers, even though they are not married, to negotiate dividing their estate because they are splitting up. When I checked the web before I wrote this, there are conflicting stories, but I was ticked off this was on my local news.
    Also my 19 year old daughter is enthralled with Audrey Hepburn. Has books, posters, framed photos. Too bad she dresses more like Courtney Love.

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  10. June, I love that I can always come here and be guaranteed a good laugh-out-loud. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you or anything.
    So I was thinking that at the end of the post, you were going to ask us about the women we liked/hated. And I was all set to tell you about my intense dislike for Victoria Beckham. I’d like to slap her anorexic bitch-face all the way back to England. I dare anyone to find one single picture of her where she is smiling. You won’t. Because there isn’t one.
    I can see why she’s unhappy though. If I were a size -2, with an extremely hot husband, three adorable little boys and a gazillion dollars at my disposal, I’d probably be miserable too. Then again, her husband does play soccer, which is the most boring sport in the universe, so I guess if I were her I’d probably want to shoot myself too. With my little cute solid gold pistol that fits daintly into my little pouty purse. In the middle of a soccer game.

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  11. I have never gotten the Audrey Hepburn thing. Also too, as one who has given up the celebrity gossip this year, I can tell you that stuff seeps into the real news quite a bit and it is annoying. I had not heard this about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, tho. I know real stuff about them from my inside people in LA but cant say. Damn. Plus, itd be gossip about celebrities. I didnt say I couldnt gossip about them, tho…

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  12. Oh, how I heart me some SJP. She always comes across as so put-together and intelligent and yes, soft-spoken (how DO they pull that off? I don’t know.)
    I have read in a couple of different places that Victoria Beckham doesn’t smile because she doesn’t like her smile – I can’t really fault her for that. I don’t like my ass, and therefore go to great lengths to make sure I am not photographed where it can be seen.
    I also love some Jennifer Aniston. How she manages to still look 28 – HEAD TO TOE – still baffles me. I realize she has a team of stylists, facialists, manicurists, etc. at her disposal but still. AM in AWE of her.

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  13. Loved Frida. She had curves and knew how to use them.
    Furry, did you really make John-John’s acquaintance?

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  14. Oh my! I love SJP. I wear her perfume. I don’t know if I bought it thinking that I would suddenly become classy by spritzing it on or what, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t happen that way.
    I love that she ended up with Big. I always rooted for him. I wonder what that says about me?

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  15. Team Berger? Team Aiden!
    SJP rocks but I have to admit I love her husband, Matthew Broderick, as much as I love her. We own an antique bedroom suit that was used in a movie that Matthew stared in (it was filmed her about 25 years ago). The furniture was built in the 1870’s and it is beautiful. I own the movie and I adore the fact that Matthew sits on the bed and touches the dresser and now it is in my house…love it!
    I have old magazine’s with Jackie O on the cover on my coffee table. She was stricking!
    Courtney Love scares me and I have never heard of Anais Nin. I will now go and look her up.
    June you rock! Add magazine covers with your photo to your items list and I will buy them and add them to my Jackie O collection.

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  16. Love me some OC Housewives! In fact, the only Housewives I don’t watch are the Jersey variety. They just don’t do it for me. Also, equally fascinated with Jackie K ~ what class!
    I’ve always wondered what Katharine Hepburn was really like. She was an interesting bird.

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  17. My cousin was an extra in the episode of SATC where Carrie was in the fashion show (season 4 — she’s sitting right in front of the girls, with short blonde hair, talking to a lady with grey hair), and she said SJP was just the nicest person ever. She said Kim Cattrall (Samantha) and Cynthia Nixon (Miranda) were also very nice, but that Kristin Davis (Charlotte) was kind of bitchy, not just to the extras but also the her co-actors and the crew. That made me sad because out of all the SATC girls, I am SO Charlotte, and I wanted her real-life self to be sweet and naive like her screen self. You could hear my illusions shattering when Jennifer told me she was nasty.

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  18. I like SJP because she is real. She is smart and beautiful. She seems to have a backbone and opinions but doesn’t need to force them on anyone.
    My favorite is Reese Witherspoon.
    Dislike me some Angelina Jolie. Blech.

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  19. Yeah, Duffy-Laura-Lou! I was a freshman at RISD. He was a sophomore at Brown. (The two institutions kind of coil around each other in Providence.) A bunch of us crashed a frat party at Toad Hall and long story waaayyy short, we all ended up dancing on the bar and it broke into a million pieces. My brush with the greatness of John-John Kennedy. He was very nice. And I danced with him and a billion other people on the bar of a frat house.
    The End.

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  20. Yeah, Duffy-Laura-Lou! I was a freshman at RISD. He was a sophomore at Brown. (The two institutions kind of coil around each other in Providence.) A bunch of us crashed a frat party at Toad Hall and long story waaayyy short, we all ended up dancing on the bar and it broke into a million pieces. My brush with the greatness of John-John Kennedy. He was very nice. And I danced with him and a billion other people on the bar of a frat house.
    The End.

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  21. Yeah, Duffy-Laura-Lou! I was a freshman at RISD. He was a sophomore at Brown. (The two institutions kind of coil around each other in Providence.) A bunch of us crashed a frat party at Toad Hall and long story waaayyy short, we all ended up dancing on the bar and it broke into a million pieces. My brush with the greatness of John-John Kennedy. He was very nice. And I danced with him and a billion other people on the bar of a frat house.
    The End.

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  22. Frida Kahlo was the best! We lived in Mexico City for a few years and developed a real affection for all things Frida.
    Jackie Kennedy was one of those people born to class. Doesn’t seem to be one of those things you can learn or fake. I cried and was genuinely sad when John Jr. died. And now poor Caroline is all alone. Bless her heart.
    June, I am sorry we disagree about Gwyneth. I really love the blog sort of thing she does “GOOP”. It is wonderful and I have learned a ton of things reading it, not to mention gotten some great recipes.
    I tend to like the feisty women like Katharine Hepburn, Bette Davis, Mae West, that sort. Which might be why I feel so at home here in Pie-Land what with all the kindred spirit commenters here! Not a lot of shrinking violets at June’s place!! : )

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  23. I live, LIVE for Real Housewives. All of them. This was one of the texts I sent my husband last week. “OMG- Simon Barney (stepdad of pervy RHOC son) filed for DIVORCE!!!”
    He texted back, “OMG GET A LIFE,” which was immediately followed by, “that’s Tamera’s husband, right?” He is secretly soooo into it.
    Anyway, I am starting a heaven for people who had good intentions, but might have been led astray by a cocktail of life’s pleasures/ the need for revenge. You are invited. It’s gonna rock.

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  24. You know, until I read the list, I wasn’t sure if making your nethers “nethers pucker up and twitch” was a good thing or a bad thing.

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  25. You mean you would be a French drama DRAG queen, don’t you? Please don’t tell me you’re over the drag queen phase already? My secret desire? To be a makeup artist/sylist for drag queens. Not that I do such a great job on myself, but still . . .

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  26. You mean you would be a French drama DRAG queen, don’t you? Please don’t tell me you’re over the drag queen phase already? My secret desire? To be a makeup artist/sylist for drag queens. Not that I do such a great job on myself, but still . . .

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  27. You mean you would be a French drama DRAG queen, don’t you? Please don’t tell me you’re over the drag queen phase already? My secret desire? To be a makeup artist/sylist for drag queens. Not that I do such a great job on myself, but still . . .

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  28. There are two women who can show up on t.v. and I will ALWAYS scream, “God, I want to slap her!” And they are Victoria B. and Nancy Pelosi. When SJP comes on I always say, “Why the long face?” I can take her or leave her.
    I do not get the fascination of any of the Housewives, or any of the supposed reality shows. They are so staged and so full of ridiculous drama.
    Laura Ingalls Wilder and Jackie O. I understand.
    Yesterday I watched two documentaries called Grey Gardens. They were about Edith Bouvier Beale (Big Edie) and her middle-aged daughter, Little Edie. (Aunt and cousin of Jackie O.) — at their decaying estate, Grey Gardens. June, I think you would be riveted by these two women.
    I STILL love Little Mickey’s, although I can’t find them anywhere!

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  29. An aside to the drag queen mention above:
    I just saw the noon news and they had a fluff bit on about a gym in Florida that’s offering Drag Aerobics. This big queen in full make-up and neon leg warmers leads a bunch of people in a very awkward dance along to Jane Fonda workout videos from the eighties.
    Fabulous!

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  30. An aside to the drag queen mention above:
    I just saw the noon news and they had a fluff bit on about a gym in Florida that’s offering Drag Aerobics. This big queen in full make-up and neon leg warmers leads a bunch of people in a very awkward dance along to Jane Fonda workout videos from the eighties.
    Fabulous!

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  31. An aside to the drag queen mention above:
    I just saw the noon news and they had a fluff bit on about a gym in Florida that’s offering Drag Aerobics. This big queen in full make-up and neon leg warmers leads a bunch of people in a very awkward dance along to Jane Fonda workout videos from the eighties.
    Fabulous!

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  32. June, plleeeeaasse tell us your scoop about Brangelina, just whisper it. We can all keep a secret.
    I really don’t think SJP is a diva. She comes from a big family and, speaking from experience, (6 siblings), there’s a certain sensibility you have when borne into a large brood and I don’t think it ever leaves you. You always keep a close eye on the people you’re with when out anywhere, just to ensure you don’t get left behind. You eat your food really fast so you get enough and you never try to be a bother to anyone. I think she’s like that. Although, SJP isn’t too far behind Victoria in the skinny dept, so maybe she doesn’t eat at all.
    I’d like to meet Julia Roberts. I think she’s down to earth and has a real grip on the ridiculousness of celebrity. Do you know she has no help in her house? 3 kids and a movie star and she does everything herself. I think if I were her, I’d even pay someone to tie my shoes.
    And Furry Godmother, YOU DANCED ON A BAR WITH JOHN-JOHN!!! That would be the first thing I would tell every person I met. I might even have to have that printed on a t-shirt. Wow.

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  33. HELLO??? Team Aiden!!! What did Big or Berger or the Russian ever do for Carrie? Aiden built stuff and was going to give her HER apartment but bigger! Big just hired some carpenters to give her a closet. Blah. And Berger was busy being wrong about scrunchies and don’t get me started on the Russian.
    Aiden all the way. He is a man’s man. =)
    So, June, you LIKE Carrie, but are you a Carrie? I already know I am a Charlotte. Big whopping surprise to the entire universe.
    I know this is horrible, but I love Meg Ryan. I don’t know what it is… I think it is her hair, she always has wonderful hair. And, also, too… whenever I am sick I can put on “You’ve Got Mail” and fall asleep and wake up feeling a little better.

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  34. I always get Sarah Jessica Parker and Mary Louise Parker mixed up. Are they sisters?
    And how many times a day do you think she hears, “Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…”?

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  35. Ohhh, I’m SOOO with you Junie on the the whole Angelina thing. She is just so flippin’ annoying. And gross. When she made out with her brother on that awards show? Oy…we all needed a shower after that. And the vial of Billy-Bob’s blood she wore around her neck? The woman is a freak show. GROSS!
    And, Victoria Beckham needs to eat a cookie and then get over herself. Good LORD, woman. Be happy already! Do you SEE your husband? The man is GORgeous!
    Love the SJP. She’s just great.
    Oh, and did you catch Drew Barrymore’s acceptance speech at the SAG awards? It was as annoying as the speech she gave at the Golden Globes! (And, incidentally, it was for the part she played in Grey Gardens, mentioned above!)
    Lastly, would love a post dedicated to your thoughts on the RHOC ladies. I know you’re such a big fan Vicki!! Hee!

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  36. Sandra Bernhard? UGH!!! I mean U-G-L-Y! You ain’t got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah! yeah! You ugly! It’s the only cheer I really know since cheerleaders seriously get on my nerves. That French word you were looking for for SJP about being pretty/ugly? I don’t know what it is but the French word for SB? Laideur de derrier!

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  37. All I know is gimme some of those Olsen twins… It would be so great not to know who was who…MK…Ashlee…ahhh what the heck…

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  38. With all this SJP talk I cannot believe that nobody mentioned her first show, Square Pegs. 1982. She was a teenager, it was a short lived but great show.

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  39. Am I the only one who likes Vicky B? She had an hour-long special on TV about 2 years ago, “The Beckhams Come to America” or something like that and she was an absolute hoot and a half! I wanted to call her up and beg to be her best friend, she was that funny.

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  40. June, none of us gets into Heaven save Elijah, Jesus and Murray Katz. You need to read Only Begotten Daughter.
    Hoot and a half. And thought provoking ideas about religion.
    Or we all get in. Who knows?

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  41. June, none of us gets into Heaven save Elijah, Jesus and Murray Katz. You need to read Only Begotten Daughter.
    Hoot and a half. And thought provoking ideas about religion.
    Or we all get in. Who knows?

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  42. June, none of us gets into Heaven save Elijah, Jesus and Murray Katz. You need to read Only Begotten Daughter.
    Hoot and a half. And thought provoking ideas about religion.
    Or we all get in. Who knows?

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  43. This may just be my favorite post of yours ever. I also heart Real Housewives because it’s so hard to believe that people like that actually do exist. It’s so shocking and disturbing that I can’t look away.

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  44. Right there with you on Anais Nin. I used to try to channel her when I was in my twenties…dragged these huge journals around, too. Her taste in men made me nervous, though. I’ve grown out of her, but she’s a part of me. She’d have blogged, you know.

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  45. I think I pretty much agree with all of these. Accept I like Gwyneth. She’s just MY age, but I could only dream of being as gorgeous as she is. *le sigh*
    And I agree with being around classy people. Not that I want to lift up my leg and scratch, ahem, but they make me and my hoof-in-mouth self quite the nervous nellie.

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