Crab

Maniacalcrabgirl
Crap.

Marvin already sent our pressing and highrollin' tax information to his uncle, who does our taxes every year, and I just got a tax thingamajig from BlogHer. I forgot I make money from BlogHer.

Plus of course I should get that tax info from FedEx. All that money they're payin' me.

Marvin has always sent his info to his uncle, who is an accountant, and it seems like one of us is always freelancing, and I know we are irritating. But his uncle never gets annoyed with us. At least he never says he is. But imagine how it must chafe to figure out the taxes of a freelancing person. Imagine how peevish it must be to be an accountant in general.

I threw in that maniacal photo of Tallulah above for no reason, other than it amuses me. I like how she acts like keeping that crab is a matter of utmost importance. Kind of like taxes. I have spelled it "tazes" every time I have written it today, except of course the one time here where I tried to write "tazes" on purpose. Hate.

Speaking of utmost importance, I must return to my statistics book, and today I got an email from someone who has said he was gonna send me work before Christmas, and he just stampeded to the work like no time had passed. "June, this client wants blah-de-blah-blah, and be sure to look out for blee-doo-bloo-bloo." I'm all, who ARE you? Were you in a coma and unaware of it? Because it's FEBRUARY. I'd given UP on you, and yes, I AM mad that you want to pay me money right now.

Before I return to the riveting world of fonts and kerning, Faithful Reader Jill Munroe sent me another photo of her in her Bye Bye, Pie t shirt, and I am starting to see a…theme…in people's photos.

Bye Bye Pie! in Vegas
Also, I'd like to point out that Faithful Reader Jill Munroe has my dream nose. Yes, I do dream of noses. Have you seen mine? Mine causes night sweats. Look at her cute perky nose. It's the kind of nose people drag in to the plastic surgeon. Somehow in a flurry of emails she promised that I could rip it off her body at her funeral. Don't ask.

All y'all all have a lovely day. And I hope the crab is yours. Metaphorically speaking.

47 thoughts on “Crab

  1. oooh, I’ve recently been looking at noses as I think I’d like mine “done” or re-done or what have you. I don’t like the one that came with my face.
    Anyway, I think I may just have to print out Jill Munroe’s picture and take it with me. I’ll just tell the doctor not to notice the booze swilling part of the photo, just concentrate on the nose.
    I can do swilling all by myself.

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  2. We had our accountant and his wife over for dinner one time. Long story. The accountant’s wife acted like a mute all night. She didn’t participate in the conversation one iota. At one point, it was just Lame-o and me in the room alone. I was chatting away, trying to have a one-sided conversation with this dolt. She finally interrupted me to say, “I find conversation just for the sake of talking to be useless.”
    At tax time every year, I go around getting myself all worked up and yelling about how much I hate our accountant’s wife. My shooter/hooter husband likes his work, so he still does our taxes. He is NOT ever coming over for dinner again, thought. That’s for sure!
    I forgot to mention this with the last pic, Jill Munroe, you are beautiful!! Your name definitely suits you. And you definitely have a great nose. I’m jealous.

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  3. Ohmygod, I HATE the accountants wife! I hate replying to these comments because I know my apostrophes do not show up, and when I say things like, The accountants wife, I know the apostrophe s isnt there, nor is the asoptrophe before the t in isnt, and I have to spend the whole time talking like I Dream of Jeanie (I hate the wife of the accountant!) or just accepting the fact that I will be apostropheless. Which is a proofreaders nightmare. And I know there was just no apostrophe in proofreaders. ACK.

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  4. This blog has now taken on a whole new importance in my day. I would like to start every Monday in this way, please. I’m so flattered I can’t get over myself.
    And June…as promised, I will keep my nose in top form & will not be lushing it away in a W.C. Fields fashion.

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  5. My tax guy has no personality. None. He is so stereotypical it is comical. Glasses, the comb-over, ill-fitting shirt and tie, 70’s polyest Brady-Bunch slacks…I swear he is ‘Milton’ from the movie “Office Space”. I go to him purely for the laughs.
    I wonder…if Jill Munroe and Hulk ever hooked up, would all the commenters be heartbroken??

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  6. After 35 years of having a business and a) worrying ad nauseam ala June Gardens about not having enough work and b)spending the entire month of January tracking down receipts and trying to get the tazes to the accountant (who is someone’s wife and does not have a wife, but Joann I feel your pain re: boring people and Catholic school), I must confess that it is wonderful to have a real job and have simpler tazes to figure out.

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  7. These comments never, ever disappoint. Lauren had a slam dunk up there.
    But why don’t apostrophes show up, June? And you know I’m coming back to check my comment to see if mine are still there. Is it just you? Is it like how vampires don’t show up on film?

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  8. I’ve never met my accountant’s wife but I can’t imagine any stereotypical accountant (like mine) scoring a scintillating hotty.
    But to go semi-off topic here, June mentioned “I Dream of Jeannie” in her first comment and I want to know how the hell Jeannie was a blond when she was from Persia! (Baghdad, to be exact.) And pardon the hell out of me for stereotyping ethnicities, but people: There are no natural blondes from the middle east! They are a swarthy people!
    That said, I loved Mrs. Bellows.

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  9. I’ve never met my accountant’s wife but I can’t imagine any stereotypical accountant (like mine) scoring a scintillating hotty.
    But to go semi-off topic here, June mentioned “I Dream of Jeannie” in her first comment and I want to know how the hell Jeannie was a blond when she was from Persia! (Baghdad, to be exact.) And pardon the hell out of me for stereotyping ethnicities, but people: There are no natural blondes from the middle east! They are a swarthy people!
    That said, I loved Mrs. Bellows.

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  10. I’ve never met my accountant’s wife but I can’t imagine any stereotypical accountant (like mine) scoring a scintillating hotty.
    But to go semi-off topic here, June mentioned “I Dream of Jeannie” in her first comment and I want to know how the hell Jeannie was a blond when she was from Persia! (Baghdad, to be exact.) And pardon the hell out of me for stereotyping ethnicities, but people: There are no natural blondes from the middle east! They are a swarthy people!
    That said, I loved Mrs. Bellows.

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  11. Hulk (Who left the picture of himself signing the wrong line out of the collage he made for his mom for Christmas ON PURPOSE...) says:

    Ha, Lauren. Funny. Yeah.
    (Actually that made me laugh out loud. Dammit.)

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  12. This is totally of topic for today. June, did you catch the Grammys last night? Stevie Nicks sang a duet, two actually, with poor Taylor Swift. I couldn’t think of a more poorly matched coupling. What the hell were they thinking?

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  13. Lauren should get comment of the month of February. She done nailed it! Heart Lauren.
    Jill Munroe! Could you be any cuter? Really. I think that when I get my BBP mug I will not be sending a picture of myself with it. I did not realize that all of June’s other readers were so damned cute. Joann, who has her Thursday nights free, is also gorgeous.
    Finally… Paula, I thought you said there were no natural blonds from the MIDWEST when I first read your comment. I was about to get a ton of pictures of me and my also very naturally blond daughter and mail to you. And I was thinking “we’re SWARTHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Then I re-read it. Maybe I’ve been nippin’ with Jill Munroe.

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  14. Hahaha Jan! Actually I believe there are a lot of natural blonds in the mid west. I remember a comedian once saying that all of the Scandihoovians came to America and settled in the MinnesOOOTAH/Michigan/Wisconsin area so they could be just as f*cking miserable over here as they were over there. Weather-wise, I assume. And in my head, all Danes, Norwegians and Swedes are blond and blue-eyed. (My husband, with the Eye-talian last name, is half Swedish and he’s blond (gray now, but don’t tell him, he’s almost over his midlife crisis) and blue-eyed.)

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  15. Hahaha Jan! Actually I believe there are a lot of natural blonds in the mid west. I remember a comedian once saying that all of the Scandihoovians came to America and settled in the MinnesOOOTAH/Michigan/Wisconsin area so they could be just as f*cking miserable over here as they were over there. Weather-wise, I assume. And in my head, all Danes, Norwegians and Swedes are blond and blue-eyed. (My husband, with the Eye-talian last name, is half Swedish and he’s blond (gray now, but don’t tell him, he’s almost over his midlife crisis) and blue-eyed.)

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  16. Hahaha Jan! Actually I believe there are a lot of natural blonds in the mid west. I remember a comedian once saying that all of the Scandihoovians came to America and settled in the MinnesOOOTAH/Michigan/Wisconsin area so they could be just as f*cking miserable over here as they were over there. Weather-wise, I assume. And in my head, all Danes, Norwegians and Swedes are blond and blue-eyed. (My husband, with the Eye-talian last name, is half Swedish and he’s blond (gray now, but don’t tell him, he’s almost over his midlife crisis) and blue-eyed.)

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  17. That’s very kind of you, Jan. Obviously you didn’t notice my big bags under my eyes and my gobble neck.
    Duffy-laura-lou, I caught the Grammy performances on youtube this morning and I’d say little Taylor Swift had an off night. Although it’s probably pretty tough to sing harmony with Stevie Nicks. She’s in her own kind of tone world.
    I thought Beyonce kicked some ass with her Alanis Morissette song. And . . . then there was Jon Bon Jovi who could have just stood there and still been great, because, hello, have you seen his jeans?
    Sorry to be so off topic.

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  18. And I just managed to get the white-winged dove out of my head from the other day… I didn’t see the Grammys, so I don’t have the actual songs she sang stuck in my head. Sounds like I’m lucky.
    I know I’m a little late to the party, but there actually is a species of dove called the white-winged dove. Sorry to be Debbie Downer or whatever on the humor with the wikipedia facts.
    Since everyone’s gotten all the compliments in for Jill Munroe’s cutey-cute nose and blonde hair and all, I’m going to compliment her on her…..fancy wet-bar sink.

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  19. again…can I say how much I love this blog & its collection of fab faithful readers? I have NEVER had such a great Monday! My BBP shirt has somehow worked some voodoo magic on all of you.
    Mrs. Oh…you are very observant. That was Mr. Munroe’s bottle of Jack & he would not trust me to uncork it. Even for June.
    Katie…while I would like to take credit for the fancy schmancy wet-bar, it isn’t mine. We were in Vegas over the weekend teaching our 12 & 16 yr. old daughters all about gambling, hookers & blow. Because we are in the running for parents of the year.

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  20. Currently giggling bunches at the “small pointy penis.” I will always think of that now and giggle every time I see one.
    Why do some people have apostrophes and some don’t? It’s really odd.
    June, I have a gay(-who-i-am-trying-to-be)friend who watches the Grammies. I know, you’re jealous.

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  21. I used to be a freelance photographer/waitress. A very elderly alcoholic at the bar did mine for free. He would then file an extension and submit them 12-months later. I don’t miss that. Shew!

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  22. “A very elderly alcoholic at the bar did mine for free…Suzanne” Had to think really hard about that one, then I remembered that this post actually started out talking about tazes. then i got it

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