In which June will soon be banned from Harris Teeter

I know I have told you that it's been wintry here; I know I've told you 700 times, which once again means I am stampeding toward becoming my grandparents, as they were obsessed with noting the weather, a thing that always bothered me. They lived in MICHIGAN, a place where weather is always happening, so it seemed to me like after a while you'd get over the part where, hey! Now it's snowing a lot! And would you look here! It's hot as blazes now. And sorta muggy.

But they never did get over it and it always kind of grated and now here I am telling all of you about my weather and it won't be too long before I start keeping my potato chips in air-tight containers instead of just their original bags. And then serving said chips in a bowl with a napkin.

Since it has been snowy here–did I mention it?–apparently this has had a negative impact on the condition of my dog's paw, which it took me a while to notice, actually, and I feel kind of bad. My dog is usually .0005 millimeters from me all of the time, and I've been so busy that I failed to take note of her lack of hovering as she usually does, like an aura or Gazoo from the Flintstones.

But notice I finally did, and I found her sort of dolefully splayed on the couch, lick lick licking her left-front paw. We had the following exchange.

Me [because I am quick]: Talu, is something wrong with your piddy?

Tallulah: Licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick.

Me: Let me see, baby.

Why do I always want to see? My whole life I have had pets and never once have I ever seen ANYTHING when I try to see. What is it I expect to find? Half a stake sticking out of them? A fang? I never find anything till the dang thing abscesses or I spend $11,000 at the vet and lo and behold the vet points it right out.

Returning to our dramatic scene:

Me: Let me see, baby.

Tallulah: Yank. Licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick.

They never trust you to look at it. Even though you feed them and shelter them and they sleep in your ding-dang BED, all of a sudden you are gonna dip their injured area in a vat of bubbling alcohol or something.

I wrote about poor Tallulah's sad paw on her Facebook status, because yes, my dog has a Facebook page, and I am as annoyed by myself as you are with me. Tallulah Gardens' Facebook friend Rita emailed me with a remedy.

"Have you tried meat tenderizer?" she asked. I don't know why I didn't think of this obvious solution myself. "Meat tenderizer and Campho-Phenique," she told me. Who is she, Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies? With her medicines? She told me to make a paste out of the meat tenderizer, and that the Campho-Phenique would make Lu not licklicklicklicklick any more.

Naturally I listened to this advice, because clearly I believe anything anyone tells me. Did you know Bill Gates really wants to give you his money? So Tallulah and I got in the car and headed to the grocery store, because yes, I am also one of those people who takes her dog on all her errands. I also change the lyrics of all the songs on the radio to be about her.

We are family! I got my Tallulah with me!

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for Lu.

Perhaps you wonder what horrific radio station I listen to.

And here is my problem. I chat up the grocery store workers. And guess who I got this from? My grandfather. When I was a kid I'd be mortified. He'd chat up the grocery store workers, but it was charming and lovely. Somehow when I do it, I just seem insane. Mostly it's the Peter Frampton hair, and also I am kind of nervous and hand-gesture-y, and also I never know when to shut up.

So I go to the pharmacy section first. "Hi. I'm looking for Campho-Phenique. I don't really know what that is."

"You'll find it over by the lip balms, ma'am."

"Oh, over here? …Here it is. Thanks, and by the way, I don't have a cold sore. This is for my dog. She doesn't have a cold sore either. I mean, she's not been making out with anyone. It's for her foot, so she doesn't make out with her foot…"

Peter_frampton1

I want youuuuu, to show me the Campho-Phenique.

Did I mention we were having a giant wind storm yesterday, so not only did I have Peter Frampton hair, I had HUGE Peter Frampton hair? The pharmacy tech kind of nervously looked at her bottles.

I went over to the meat tenderizer section but soon realized I had no idea what a "meat tenderizer section" would really be, or really what a meat tenderizer even was. Wasn't that some sort of mallet? Did Rita want me to beat my dog's foot with a mallet? Then spread Campho-Phenique on it? What sort of sick f*** was Rita? I went to the meat counter.

I recognized the woman back there, as we had had a deep talk on Christmas Eve when I bought salmon. I had asked if she had to work Christmas day and she didn't, which she had been grateful for because she had a son. She seemed glad to see my hair and then several minutes later, me. "Where would I find meat tenderizer?" 

She came right out to show me. "It's for my dog," I told her.

"I'm not going to eat my dog," I explained. "It's for her foot. I'm not going to eat that, either. I'm making a paste. See, I have this blog…"

By the time I explained about Rita and Tallulah's Facebook page and the Campho-Phenique and the cold sore and the making out, that poor meat lady could not get back to her salmon steaks fast enough.

And Tallulah wasn't much happier with me when I put that paste on her, by the way. Although she has abstained from the licklicklicklicklicking.

And we frenched a few times so she seems a bit happier.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

148 thoughts on “In which June will soon be banned from Harris Teeter”

  1. We had to evacuate my Target today for awhile due to a gas leak, and I had to stay in the store with the firemen (even though several of the women, and a couple of the guys volunteered to do so), so I thought I would be a little loopy from the fumes. I am starting to wonder if some of you guys were hiding in the back room there somewhere.
    magician…bra…funny stuff.
    So are you telling me if you saw Peter Frampton today, and he was never a rock star, you would think he was sexy? I would think Les Nessman would be getting hopeful about now.

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  2. So women do not find me appealing because I have a full head of hair? Okay, at least now I know.
    BTW June, very funny stuff with the meat tenderizer for your dog…beating your dog’s foot with a mallet…glad I was not drinking coffee right then.
    Beth’s mom tells complete strangers at the store where she got her outfit from, what she had for breakfast, who grew up across the street from her as a child…
    I don’t think you are there yet (but inching closer).

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  3. Steve, second on the Frampton thing. It has nothing to do with the hair or lack of it, it has to do with the sexiness.
    For instance, Tom Colicchio, (head judge on Top Chef), no hair, a little overweight, but so freakin’ sexy.
    Bruce Willis, who gets hair and then loses it and then gets it back again. He is bad boy sexy.
    Then you have Bruce Springsteen who is losing his hair and aging like a man should, but still…oh, just don’t get me started there.
    And of course the guys with hair-Johnny Depp, Patrick Dempsey, George Clooney. I have to stop. I’m just getting all vaklempt.
    But, of course, top dog honors goes to Bono, in the older man-sexy contest and don’t anyone say a single bad thing. He is my Barry Gibb.

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  4. That’s a great picture of Pete. I had a6x10 foot poster of him above my bed in 1977. My cats love to kiss so we have make out sessions,too!!

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  5. I’m with Terra (who killed me with the batman joke, btw).

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  6. No one should be surprised about Furry with the anti-paper plate / plastic utensil stance. After all, she grew up in the South. With help (see book club post). So Furry, I want to know: what’s your pattern? Francis the First? Buttercup? Chantilly?
    Oh, and for the obligatory bar joke I’ll just skip to the punch line: I’m a frayed knot!

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  7. Also too? Cecilia wears booties in the snow. They are basically balloons but at three times the price at the chi-chi dog store. They protect her paws from the salt and ice. There is a picture on my blog…
    Hope Lu is feeling better soon!

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  8. May I get us back to the shoe discussion? I tried on a pair of Fendi pumps while I was in Vegas. Oh. My. Word! They were $595 and I wanted them SO badly. If it had not been right before Christmas I might have put myself into credit card debt for them. I have dreamed of them. They made me legs look DIVINE and I loved,loved, loved them enough to marry them and have a family with them.
    That is all.

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  9. Megsie, I will not say anything about your grandmother or her drunkenness, like I did with poor Niki, up there, as I seem to have driven her away as fast as she got here. June. Driving away new commentors since 2010.

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  10. Okay, so outside of the Amish jokes from Paula (who I think for some reason is from NY, dammit), today’s had me busting a gut here in No Cal!
    June, I’ve been reading you since Bye Bye Buy and you could not drive me away, unless your posts became as boring as Dooce…
    I’m just sayin’…

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  11. arlene, whose hubby is calling those nice young men because he is worried about my giggling, alone, in front of the computer says:

    I’ve been sitting here giggling and reading all the outrageous comments y’all have been flinging around. At least you weren’t flinging Kitty’s Almond Roca! Then I would have had to grab my rusty trusty umbrella to defend myself. As for all those loonies walking into that bar….drinks are on me! Now try to find me…. *giggling while slinking away*
    June, you haven’t drive me away. Yet. Nor will you. At least not for a little while. Nope, I’m not leaving until those nice young men with their clean white coat come take me away. HaHa. HeHe. HoHo.

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  12. …and now you are all in bed and nobody is left to play with me….. *sniff, sniff*

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  13. …and now you are all in bed and nobody is left to play with me….. *sniff, sniff*

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  14. …and now you are all in bed and nobody is left to play with me….. *sniff, sniff*

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  15. Wow, Jill, you have the perfect attention getter to casually drop into any conversation. Could you do that with giggling? That is the test..you would need to be all innocent like.

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  16. Wow, Jill, you have the perfect attention getter to casually drop into any conversation. Could you do that with giggling? That is the test..you would need to be all innocent like.

    Like

  17. Wow, Jill, you have the perfect attention getter to casually drop into any conversation. Could you do that with giggling? That is the test..you would need to be all innocent like.

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  18. Juice, yes to cotillion, but did not finish, so no to the pre-approved plate patterns. I have several favorites. It’s a fetish. My crystal is Ruby Golfball by Mogantown and the plates are a vintage Asian Celadon with a fortune pattern featuring carp. Hello? Animal pattern much?
    I prefer the bizarre Southern as opposed to the traditional. As in: Everybody has a crazy uncle to celebrated, which side is yours on?

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  19. Juice, yes to cotillion, but did not finish, so no to the pre-approved plate patterns. I have several favorites. It’s a fetish. My crystal is Ruby Golfball by Mogantown and the plates are a vintage Asian Celadon with a fortune pattern featuring carp. Hello? Animal pattern much?
    I prefer the bizarre Southern as opposed to the traditional. As in: Everybody has a crazy uncle to celebrated, which side is yours on?

    Like

  20. Juice, yes to cotillion, but did not finish, so no to the pre-approved plate patterns. I have several favorites. It’s a fetish. My crystal is Ruby Golfball by Mogantown and the plates are a vintage Asian Celadon with a fortune pattern featuring carp. Hello? Animal pattern much?
    I prefer the bizarre Southern as opposed to the traditional. As in: Everybody has a crazy uncle to celebrated, which side is yours on?

    Like

  21. LOVED the post today – and best comments ever!!
    Furry Godmother – the mannequin story is killing me – would love to have seen the look on the kid’s face! But $1500 for a mannequin ….is that normal? hmm….maybe I should go into the mannequin business, make me a fortune!

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  22. “Did Rita want me to beat my dog’s foot with a mallet? Then spread Campho-Phenique on it? What sort of sick f*** was Rita?”
    I just found you from K Lo’s page. Oh my God, you are so funny. Adding you to my list of daily reads!

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  23. 1) I’ve started taking my dog when I run errands so when I’m singing my head off in the front seat people won’t think I’m crazy (because that makes sense), they’ll think I’m talking to the exceptionally intelligent Border Collie sitting next to me.
    2) I’m so desperate for adult conversation that I, too, have entire conversations with the check out person at the grocery store and 2 days ago the postal lady wanted to step on her own head for accidentally ringing my doorbell and 5 minutes later I was still talking to her while she was walking away. (see also the lady who was seeking donations for somethingorother)
    3) Where the heck have I been? I take one day off from the world and 2 months go by at June’s place.

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