June admits her shameful truth

About three things I was absolutely positive:

First, I was never going to read those stupid books about vampires.

Second, 2006 called, wants its phenomenon back.

And third, if they don't do it by the fourth book, I am unconditionally and irrevocably going to kill myself.

Okay.

Let's get one thing out of the way. I am a giant, giant snob and I know this. And eeeeeeveryone loves these vampire books, and you all have gone on and on about them on your blogs and I have snooted about them over here in my mind.

And I am sorry.

What happened was, a few weeks ago, someone I worked with came over for a visit, and she said, "Oh! You live near the bookstore, don't you! Do you mind if we head over there? The latest installment of the Twilight series is out!"

In my head I thought, Pffft. The Twilight series. But because I am a kind, nonjudgmental friend, what I said was, "Pffft. The Twilight series."

"I know," she said. "It's embarrassing. I was an English major. But they're SO GOOD, June, really!"

We headed to the book store, and I took a right toward the fiction section, but she steered me the other way. "They're, um, in the young adult section," she told me.

The YOUNG ADULT section. Oh, how I poked fun at my pal. The young adult section.

When we got there, the fourth book in the series was only in hard cover, and she was hoping to find it in paperback, because the hard cover was $2,984,23.75. So while she went to the front to ask if they had it in paperback (they don't, and they don't plan to bring it out in paperback, which thanks, Stephenie Meyer. Because you aren't rich enough, and the rest of us aren't poor enough right now), I looked at the first book in the series, which of course is called Twilight. I do not know why I am telling you this, as I seriously think I am the last human being in America to have not read this book.

There is a picture of a person holding an apple on the cover, sort of like Eve, and it cost $7.99. There was going to be a huge snow storm that weekend, so I really was going to be bored. Maybe I should read it, see what all the fuss was about. Was that a snake I heard chuckling somewhere?

Okay so I read it. And you guys. I cannot say it was…good, really. I mean, come on. It wasn't, you know, Hemingway. But I did read it in two days. It was like Cheetos or a Stephen King book. You could not put it down.

And that, my friends, is why I have now finished book ridiculous three of the ding-dang Twilight series. And oh, how I cannot stop. And at this point the plot kind of just annoys me. Oh, look, Bella is in some sort of danger. Oh, look, everyone is rallying to help her. Oh, she is mildly inconvenienced but okay in the end and everyone loves her and she is still not smiling. Seriously, she is the biggest sad sack. Oh, I hate parties. Oh, I hate gifts. Oh, don't pay to get me into Dartmouth. Oh, shut up!

And must she love every monster in town? You know, there ARE normal people in Forks. But no, she has to be torn between Count Chocula and Fruit Brute, over there.

Countchocula

Brute

Who's next, Frankenberry?

And I cannot believe I am even having this conversation with you. I cannot believe I jumped on this bandwagon. And no, I am SO NOT TEAM JACOB. He always seems kind of…unsanitary to me. Team Edward all the way. Give me the cold, hard diamond over the wooden charm.

Ohmygod, will someone stop me. And also, will someone just TELL me if they do it in book four?

186 Comments

  1. Okay, so, no way was I going to read those dumb books. But, I DON’T KNOW, I got sucked into them. And it’s just like you said. You cannot put them DOWN. I mean, even as I knew they were stupid, I had to keep reading. So I read all four of them, I’m ashamed to say. I, too, had to know if they did it. And also who she ends up with.

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  2. Yep, I also read them in like 49 milliseconds. And, yes, they are not “good”; they are just addicting. Like meth or something.
    And I also did not go to the library – I own all four of them. Eh. Whatever.

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  3. My English major daughter gave me Twilight. I am sure she did it in retaliation – I turned her on to James Patterson, after all. At least his style is readable; I’m pissed because I want to know what happens but hate the empty calories I have to ingest before I get there.
    Reading is reading, and I don’t apologize for JP (or HP for that matter!). I found the Hitchhikers Guides to be less and less novel as the series went on. I read Anne Rice til she became more porn than philosophy. For fantasy, I’d give a tween George R R Martin and watch the joy unfold.
    a/b

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  4. Hey Paula… YES! The Hunger Games books are PHENOMENAL. And if I may? Quite well written. Believe me. And yes, yes I do watch The Vampire Diaries. And yes, yes I do believe I would really enjoy (for lack of a better word) Damon’s company. Quite.a.bit.
    I haven’t read any other books, have thought reading The Southern Vampire Series but not sure if I will now that I have been sucked in to True Blood. I have heard from people who have read all the books that they are much different from the show.
    I will admit… I was (and still am) a HUGE Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. Good, witty, humorous writing sucked me in.
    Beth, Steve’s Wife… I am glad the 13 year old enjoyed The Hunger Games books. Have you read them? Part of the fun for me is that not only have I read them, so have my sister, my 16 y/o niece and 14 y/o nephew. My 11 y/o wants to read them and I may let her over the summer. It’s been fun to have good conversations with the niece and nephew over books.
    Okay… really need to go clean. Birthday party here tomorrow and I need to get the downstairs cleaned tonight.

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  5. I will not read a Twilight book.
    I will not read one in a nook.
    I will not read one when I cook.
    I will not even take a look.
    and my brain candy is English mystery books.

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  6. Someone somewhere recently referred to the books as being about a young girl torn between necrophilia and bestiality. And while there’s nothing wrong with young adult fiction (anyone remember S. E. Hinton’s The Outsiders? and I adored Harry Potter), when it comes to vampires I’m Team Lestat all the way!

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  7. Yes Jill, I too am jealous by the adult swap section at Laurie S’s middle school library. My questions however is, do you swap anything besides books?

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  8. Yes Jill, I too am jealous by the adult swap section at Laurie S’s middle school library. My questions however is, do you swap anything besides books?

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  9. Yes Jill, I too am jealous by the adult swap section at Laurie S’s middle school library. My questions however is, do you swap anything besides books?

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  10. Is anyone else impressed with Laurie S. & the adult section at her middle school library?

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  11. Count me among the holdouts. I tried to read Twilight, I really did. I knew the books weren’t good, but I believe if you’re going to mock something you should be able to do it from firsthand experience. I think I made it to page two or three before the terrible writing made me put it down. The hissy fit Stephanie Meyer threw when part of book five was leaked didn’t help my opinion of the whole thing.
    Also, I can’t wrap my head around vampire sex. How does that work? And isn’t it cold?

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  12. Jan,
    Thank you! You had mentioned Hunger Games a couple of months ago and the 13-year-old LOVE, LOVE, LOVED IT and can’t wait until August to read the third and final book.
    June, the cereal kidder, I was thrilled to see Twilight and Count Chocula in the same post. Fruit Brute? Who knew.
    I think I’d rather break out some Frankenberry and watch Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein. Or maybe Boo Berry and Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Who’s in?

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  13. I’m a snob, too, but work at a middle school and felt like maybe I should know what is so fascinating. I am on book 3 now. I borrowed it from our library at school – there is an adult area where teachers and other staff bring in their pre-read books for swapping.
    I am not overly impressed with the writing and I am way jealous that I didn’t think of the idea first.
    See NPR website for a list of other, good quality vampire novels. Who knew?

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  14. I will say the whole Twilight thing has been good for the economy in Forks, and Forks can use all the help it can get. I unfortunately had to chauffer a teen girl around on the Twilight Tour in Forks, and lets just say we were not alone. And it wasn’t even Bella’s big birthday bash weekend.
    The one consolation was going to La Push, which is a remarkably beautiful area and it had been way too long since I visited.

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  15. I just started reading the series in November and I am halfway through number 4. They are so good. I am Team Jacob – don’t like the pretty boys. Give me the manly men.

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  16. You crack me up. I went through the same thing with those books. When I saw the second movie in the theater it was me, a few other 30ish and 40ish women, and lots and lots of preteens.

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  17. June…. what a riot….. you rock!
    and Talu, Onrie, Fran, Marvy and Win….
    Junp on the bed…jump on the bed….!!!!

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  18. I would like to also join the Have Never Read, nor Do I Ever Intend to Read Twilight book club. HNRNDIEITRT book club, for short. June, it seems your post affirms that this is the right decision!

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  19. Ugh! Twilight…hated the book, hated the movie. I refused to try book or movie #2. But I must also admit I could. not. get. through. the Outlander book. I found her painstaking descriptions annoying and tiresome. Ok, I get it it was a lovely blade of grass! Get on with it! A friend of mine told me to stick with it, it would be worth it but augh!! Couldn’t do it…

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  20. Kristen–if Junie puts the Outlander series as her next book selection, I’ll come out of hiding, too. Love me some Jamie Fraser. Someone mentioned before that they would like to be called Sassenach just once by him…uh, heck yeah…swwwwooooooon!!

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  21. WHY, JUNE, WHY??? I am the only person I know who ACTUALLY opposes that. I tried to read the first half. I put it down. It’s plotless. It’s filled with the teen “My life sucks” melodrama that I’m so sick of. AND EDWARD IS A CREEPER. Furry Godmother, I agree with you for everything EXCEPT the no junk food. Better get fat, however, than get Edwardified.

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  22. Definitely pick up Outlander for some steamy guilty-pleasure reading! Make it your next Mince Words With June book – I might actually get to participate and come out of hiding!

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  23. ‘kay, so i haven’t even read the comments yet, but now *i* must be the last person on the planet that has not read the series (and don’t plan to). so yep, i wasn’t following your post at all.

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  24. Welcome, June, welcome. Isn’t Edward ever so dreamy? The books are ridiculous and there are so many mockers of them but if you read them you just don’t care. They are every delicious junk food you love, in book form.

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  25. June Berry Pie…today’s new cereal treat! Its delicious, wholesome, nutritious and crunchy fun. In a bowl, in a cup, June Berry Pie, its simply scrumpify.

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  26. Good news Junie! I’m on a focus group for General Mills and they just sent me a survey to see which of their characters I remembered. Sorry..Fruit Brute didn’t make the list. They’re going to do some “retro” packaging. So you’ve got that to look forward to since you’re the bloom has come off the rose with Twilight.

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  27. I’m sorry June…BRAVO to your clever Edward/Jacob doppelganger find! Your wit is only outshined by your fabulous Peter Frampton hair!
    I grew up on Count Chocula but never heard of Fruit Brute until today. You are always educating the masses…aren’t you June?!

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  28. Sorry all you Twilight fangs…oops, fans. Bye Bye Pie is all the crack I need. In a good way of course!

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  29. I read all of the Anne Rice, even the porno Anne Rampling or whatever…. Hey Hulk now that’s some pretty fancy reading for you and your new main squeeze….

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  30. Jan, I heard about those Suzanne Collins books and got snooty towards them. Like I did with Twilight before I succumbed. They are really good? I am going to start the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. Anyone?
    I notice everyone is carefully hedging around and NOT mentioning if they read any other teen vampire books OR if they watch Vampire Diaries. (Guilty. And guilty.)
    Junie, Count Chocula and Fruit Brute is very funny, but everyone’s heated passion for/against Twilight got in the way!

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  31. Jan, I heard about those Suzanne Collins books and got snooty towards them. Like I did with Twilight before I succumbed. They are really good? I am going to start the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. Anyone?
    I notice everyone is carefully hedging around and NOT mentioning if they read any other teen vampire books OR if they watch Vampire Diaries. (Guilty. And guilty.)
    Junie, Count Chocula and Fruit Brute is very funny, but everyone’s heated passion for/against Twilight got in the way!

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  32. Jan, I heard about those Suzanne Collins books and got snooty towards them. Like I did with Twilight before I succumbed. They are really good? I am going to start the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. Anyone?
    I notice everyone is carefully hedging around and NOT mentioning if they read any other teen vampire books OR if they watch Vampire Diaries. (Guilty. And guilty.)
    Junie, Count Chocula and Fruit Brute is very funny, but everyone’s heated passion for/against Twilight got in the way!

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  33. I truly laughed out loud at Count Chocula and Fruit Brute, June. And I was truly addicted to those awful books, as well. My friends call me a literary snob, but they don’t know my awful secret. Shhhh…
    Kristy, your husband is a hoot.

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  34. June, didn’t read the books, haven’t been a teen for years, but I think Count Chocula and Fruit Brute are quite amusing, like serial and cereal….

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  35. okay i sorta waded through the comments and i don’t want to be debbie downer but i refuse to read the series…even let them in my house.
    for me it’s a christian thing. the undead, the preying on the living…blech…
    and i hate that being a vampire has been made to be soooooooo romantic. ugh.

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  36. okay i sorta waded through the comments and i don’t want to be debbie downer but i refuse to read the series…even let them in my house.
    for me it’s a christian thing. the undead, the preying on the living…blech…
    and i hate that being a vampire has been made to be soooooooo romantic. ugh.

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  37. okay i sorta waded through the comments and i don’t want to be debbie downer but i refuse to read the series…even let them in my house.
    for me it’s a christian thing. the undead, the preying on the living…blech…
    and i hate that being a vampire has been made to be soooooooo romantic. ugh.

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  38. I had to stop reading after book 2. I was getting too dissatisfied with my own life. My husband seemed so boring next to Edward. My sad Ohio existence seemed so lame compared to what was happening in forks.
    I told my husband, “You just don’t understand! He could kill her at any minute, but he restrains himself because he LOVES her.”
    His response to that was “Sometimes I could kill you too, but I restrain myself because I love you.”

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  39. I had to stop reading after book 2. I was getting too dissatisfied with my own life. My husband seemed so boring next to Edward. My sad Ohio existence seemed so lame compared to what was happening in forks.
    I told my husband, “You just don’t understand! He could kill her at any minute, but he restrains himself because he LOVES her.”
    His response to that was “Sometimes I could kill you too, but I restrain myself because I love you.”

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  40. I had to stop reading after book 2. I was getting too dissatisfied with my own life. My husband seemed so boring next to Edward. My sad Ohio existence seemed so lame compared to what was happening in forks.
    I told my husband, “You just don’t understand! He could kill her at any minute, but he restrains himself because he LOVES her.”
    His response to that was “Sometimes I could kill you too, but I restrain myself because I love you.”

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  41. Paula H&B, we are fated to be friends. I also read the books at stop lights, want to kill Bella and would like to beat the holy hell out of Stephenie Meyer for the whole creepy baby with the f***** up name thing. Ugh.
    I also love Emmett. And think Rosalie would be interesting if they rounded her out.
    Final note… really.. at least for the next several hours…
    Like Twilight the movie, went into it knowing it would be different than the movie and decided to judge based on it’s own merit. It’s OK. Thought New Moon was great. But then again, I’m Team Jacob so New Moon and Eclipse are my two favorite books and New Moon was all about Jacob.

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  42. I’m not going to read them just because my 12 year old step-granddaughter DID read them…..ALL….and just adores them. I mean, this girl reads nothing, not even textbooks. And now it’s all Team this and Team that and she’s more boy crazy than ever and thinks ROMANCE is fabulous and we all know it’s not.

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  43. OK… started looking all the way through comments and apparently missed the whole sentence in the post where you say you are not Team Jacob (really, June… he’s a beautiful thing). I probably read it but those strange words weren’t registering in my mind.
    My friend is a librarian. She introduced me to these books. And when I went to the library to get Twilight I was SO embarrassed to walk into the young adult section. I am a reader. Just like many of you. A hardcore, must have a book with me everywhere I go, some books are beneath me and not worthy of my notice READER! And I started reading Twilight with a bit of a smug “oh, what’s the big deal???” attitude. When I started reading it at my daughter’s school in the parking lot and didn’t want to drive home because I didn’t want to stop reading, I got it.
    Now… Please. PLEASE… I IMPLORE ALL OF YOU… another series my friend introduced me to is another young adult series and it is FABULOUS, really, I can’t say enough about these two books… it’s a trilogy, the first book is titled The Hunger Games and it is written by Suzanne Collins. The second book is called Catching Fire. The third (and sadly, final) book will be out late August 2010. Just trust me. When I picked it up I thought again, “really??? I’m sure this is so BENEATH me”. When will I learn to listen to my friend unconditionally?

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  44. Saw Taylor Lautner on a talk show saying the weirdest thing he’s experienced yet was when teenage girl and her mother waited in line at a book signing and then MOM asked if he would sign her ‘panties’ that had his name on it.
    Now I know where these people come from….
    Shocked no more.

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  45. Also, Chief…your comments cracked me up!
    “Well, this isn’t AS bad as someone you thought you respected saying that Sarah Palin is a more worthwhile candidate than she is given credit for — because there are no nuclear annihilation implications to liking Twilight. But stil”l
    You must read GameChange….”Saracuda” is even scarier/dumber than I ever realized!

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  46. I am emailing you a link which you are going to love. If I knew how to do something fancy, like post a link in a comment, I would.
    PS: Team Edward
    PPS: Get the DVD.

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  47. I didn’t even read all the comments… so I AM SURE I am being redundant… THANKS FOR JOINING US, June…. it’s fun here in Twilight Land…
    I must know… are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? I am Team Jacob.
    HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, and did I mention HATE??? the fourth book. HATE. IT. I have read the other three at least 5 times a piece and haven’t touched book 4 since I slammed it shut and threw it down in disgust after reading it. HATED isn’t strong enough.

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  48. I go away for two hours a holy cow this blogs a blazin’. Who’d a thunk a topic about vampires and wolves would have brought out so many commentors with so many strong opinions. Woo hoo!
    Furry, I would love to be Snow to your Driven. And also too, pink puffy heart with sparkles to you for donating your hair to locks of love. My straw is always to damaged to donate.

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  49. Those of you who have NOT read the books – Don’t. They will suck you in, even as you think “This is terrible. Awful. Poorly written crap.”…you will still keep reading. You will want to kill that whiny little bitch Bella – but you will keep reading. You will not be able to stop. I hated/loved them. I don’t know what it was about them that makes you want to keep reading them instead of throwing them across the room in disgust – but there is definitely something.
    I have not seen the movies….I hated Bella in the books, and though Edward was a wimp with no taste (for “loving” Bella!!) but when I saw the actors they cast, I hated them even more! No thanks. Enough is enough.

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  50. Those of you who have NOT read the books – Don’t. They will suck you in, even as you think “This is terrible. Awful. Poorly written crap.”…you will still keep reading. You will want to kill that whiny little bitch Bella – but you will keep reading. You will not be able to stop. I hated/loved them. I don’t know what it was about them that makes you want to keep reading them instead of throwing them across the room in disgust – but there is definitely something.
    I have not seen the movies….I hated Bella in the books, and though Edward was a wimp with no taste (for “loving” Bella!!) but when I saw the actors they cast, I hated them even more! No thanks. Enough is enough.

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  51. Those of you who have NOT read the books – Don’t. They will suck you in, even as you think “This is terrible. Awful. Poorly written crap.”…you will still keep reading. You will want to kill that whiny little bitch Bella – but you will keep reading. You will not be able to stop. I hated/loved them. I don’t know what it was about them that makes you want to keep reading them instead of throwing them across the room in disgust – but there is definitely something.
    I have not seen the movies….I hated Bella in the books, and though Edward was a wimp with no taste (for “loving” Bella!!) but when I saw the actors they cast, I hated them even more! No thanks. Enough is enough.

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  52. Count me in the group that never has read Twilight and has no plans to ever read them. Or watch the movies. Movies always disappoint, especially after a great book.
    I read one Anne Rice book and it was not my cup of tea so no more of those. I have not read the Sookie Stackhouse books, but I do watch True Blood. And I adore it! Especially Eric Northman. That man is drop dead gorgeous. My favorite by a long shot is Lafayette, though. His character is the most fun (other than that whole tortured in the basement part).
    I loved the Lost Boys. That was such a great movie. You have Kiefer playing evil which he does so well, you have the 2 Coreys, and Dianne Wiest. Two thumbs up!
    Oh June! I just picked up the new book by Jeannette Walls. It is about her maternal grandmother’s life. I will holler if it is good.

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  53. Count me in the group that never has read Twilight and has no plans to ever read them. Or watch the movies. Movies always disappoint, especially after a great book.
    I read one Anne Rice book and it was not my cup of tea so no more of those. I have not read the Sookie Stackhouse books, but I do watch True Blood. And I adore it! Especially Eric Northman. That man is drop dead gorgeous. My favorite by a long shot is Lafayette, though. His character is the most fun (other than that whole tortured in the basement part).
    I loved the Lost Boys. That was such a great movie. You have Kiefer playing evil which he does so well, you have the 2 Coreys, and Dianne Wiest. Two thumbs up!
    Oh June! I just picked up the new book by Jeannette Walls. It is about her maternal grandmother’s life. I will holler if it is good.

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  54. Count me in the group that never has read Twilight and has no plans to ever read them. Or watch the movies. Movies always disappoint, especially after a great book.
    I read one Anne Rice book and it was not my cup of tea so no more of those. I have not read the Sookie Stackhouse books, but I do watch True Blood. And I adore it! Especially Eric Northman. That man is drop dead gorgeous. My favorite by a long shot is Lafayette, though. His character is the most fun (other than that whole tortured in the basement part).
    I loved the Lost Boys. That was such a great movie. You have Kiefer playing evil which he does so well, you have the 2 Coreys, and Dianne Wiest. Two thumbs up!
    Oh June! I just picked up the new book by Jeannette Walls. It is about her maternal grandmother’s life. I will holler if it is good.

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  55. DB in MD: I don’t know exactly why I couldn’t get into the Sookie Stackhouse books … maybe because I do watch True Blood? I was amazed that some hotshot at HBO read Sookie and transformed it into True Blood! And OMG, yes, Eric Northman. Jason Stackhouse is nice to look at until he opens his stupid mouth and ruins it, but Eric Northman is a complete package! Even with the foils and flip flops!!!

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  56. DB in MD: I don’t know exactly why I couldn’t get into the Sookie Stackhouse books … maybe because I do watch True Blood? I was amazed that some hotshot at HBO read Sookie and transformed it into True Blood! And OMG, yes, Eric Northman. Jason Stackhouse is nice to look at until he opens his stupid mouth and ruins it, but Eric Northman is a complete package! Even with the foils and flip flops!!!

    Like

  57. DB in MD: I don’t know exactly why I couldn’t get into the Sookie Stackhouse books … maybe because I do watch True Blood? I was amazed that some hotshot at HBO read Sookie and transformed it into True Blood! And OMG, yes, Eric Northman. Jason Stackhouse is nice to look at until he opens his stupid mouth and ruins it, but Eric Northman is a complete package! Even with the foils and flip flops!!!

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  58. They totally do it in the fourth book. It’s pretty PG, but they do break a couple beds, which is nice.
    Welcome to Twilight hell, my friend. Good to have you here.

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  59. I tried to read the first one last year. After a hundred pages, I still didn’t get the allure for anyone over the age of fifteen. Twilight is the ONLY book I’ve ever started and not finished.

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  60. I’m on Team No-Twilight. I refuse to read the books – I’m with Hulkie on the Lost Boys thing. This is all so unoriginal! And then there were the Ann Rice books. LOVED those, too.
    I have two friends who are OBSESSED with Twilight and they made me watch the movie. BAD movie. I really just don’t get it!

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  61. “My name is Tiffaney, and I was obsessed with the Twilight series.” (everyone: say hello, Tiffaney)
    Yes, I was a Twilight-crack ‘ho. I self-loathed for nearly half a year, plunging deep into the mania, horrifically needing my fix despite utter contempt for the plot, & characters. Trash, I tell you! Empty calories that will rot your brain cells! I wanted to stab my eyes out, but I couldn’t stop reading or thinking about the ding and dang story line. But Book 4 cured me forever. It is the most patronizing (and downright twisted) crap ever written. Imprinting? Gross. Bella’s narcissism? YAWN. Once I put that book down, I was D.O.N.E. Moral? Get a copy of book 4, June, it will shake you to your senses.

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  62. Ugh, Twilight. I read them to appease my SIL, and also in the hopes that they might not be completely awful. The fourth book is maddening (well, even more so). I think I read the whole thing in one sitting because SMeyer drags everything out for an eternity. I kept telling myself I would put the book down at the end of the chapter, because surely some progress would be made by the end of the chapter, but no. Nothing would be resolved by the end of the chapter so I had to KEEP READING. ANd then it was over and I cried because that’s a week of my life that I’ll never get back. Team Kill Bella? I’m on Team Kill ‘Em All.

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