About three things I was absolutely positive:
First, I was never going to read those stupid books about vampires.
Second, 2006 called, wants its phenomenon back.
And third, if they don't do it by the fourth book, I am unconditionally and irrevocably going to kill myself.
Let's get one thing out of the way. I am a giant, giant snob and I know this. And eeeeeeveryone loves these vampire books, and you all have gone on and on about them on your blogs and I have snooted about them over here in my mind.
And I am sorry.
What happened was, a few weeks ago, someone I worked with came over for a visit, and she said, "Oh! You live near the bookstore, don't you! Do you mind if we head over there? The latest installment of the Twilight series is out!"
In my head I thought, Pffft. The Twilight series. But because I am a kind, nonjudgmental friend, what I said was, "Pffft. The Twilight series."
"I know," she said. "It's embarrassing. I was an English major. But they're SO GOOD, June, really!"
We headed to the book store, and I took a right toward the fiction section, but she steered me the other way. "They're, um, in the young adult section," she told me.
The YOUNG ADULT section. Oh, how I poked fun at my pal. The young adult section.
When we got there, the fourth book in the series was only in hard cover, and she was hoping to find it in paperback, because the hard cover was $2,984,23.75. So while she went to the front to ask if they had it in paperback (they don't, and they don't plan to bring it out in paperback, which thanks, Stephenie Meyer. Because you aren't rich enough, and the rest of us aren't poor enough right now), I looked at the first book in the series, which of course is called Twilight. I do not know why I am telling you this, as I seriously think I am the last human being in America to have not read this book.
There is a picture of a person holding an apple on the cover, sort of like Eve, and it cost $7.99. There was going to be a huge snow storm that weekend, so I really was going to be bored. Maybe I should read it, see what all the fuss was about. Was that a snake I heard chuckling somewhere?
Okay so I read it. And you guys. I cannot say it was…good, really. I mean, come on. It wasn't, you know, Hemingway. But I did read it in two days. It was like Cheetos or a Stephen King book. You could not put it down.
And that, my friends, is why I have now finished book ridiculous three of the ding-dang Twilight series. And oh, how I cannot stop. And at this point the plot kind of just annoys me. Oh, look, Bella is in some sort of danger. Oh, look, everyone is rallying to help her. Oh, she is mildly inconvenienced but okay in the end and everyone loves her and she is still not smiling. Seriously, she is the biggest sad sack. Oh, I hate parties. Oh, I hate gifts. Oh, don't pay to get me into Dartmouth. Oh, shut up!
And must she love every monster in town? You know, there ARE normal people in Forks. But no, she has to be torn between Count Chocula and Fruit Brute, over there.
Who's next, Frankenberry?
And I cannot believe I am even having this conversation with you. I cannot believe I jumped on this bandwagon. And no, I am SO NOT TEAM JACOB. He always seems kind of…unsanitary to me. Team Edward all the way. Give me the cold, hard diamond over the wooden charm.
Ohmygod, will someone stop me. And also, will someone just TELL me if they do it in book four?