Ahem cough

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and I have already made $50. I know. Smell me.

At 10:00 last night I checked my work email and one of the companies I freelance for in LA sent me a flyer to proof at 7:00 my time and GEEZ. They ALWAYS do that to me. So I got up this morning and got it done before they got in. Not that they asked me to. Not that they even gave me a deadline. I am my own boss. And my boss hates me.

I am excited to ann0unce that in two hours I leave here to GET MY ROOTS DONE, which is so exciting I could just spit. I pretty much had to take care of it; the neighborhood had started a petition. I am going to a new salon today, called Salon Blu, with the "e" missing. They must have cut it off. BAHAHAHAHAHA. I saw a woman at Target recently who had just the heppest hairdo, all sort of choppy and shaggy and kind of Carol Brady-y but in a cool way, and I asked where she got it done and she said Salon Blu and she managed to say it without the "e," so I called them.

Of COURSE I will keep you posted on how it went. What, you think I'd keep you out of this important development?

While you were all debating the merits of the literally killer whale at SeaWorld yesterday in the comments, I was at the library doing my work. Because I get a lot more done at the library than I do here in my house because you know why? No one has a snout at the library. Also, even though there are 86 computers at the library, I am somehow not tempted to check my blog comments when I am there. So what I am saying to you is I get a lot more done. In fact, I have now said it twice. I am officially my grandmother. Did I ever tell you I was raised in a gas station?

But what happened to being quiet at the library? Remember when that was an absolute? Remember when there was the stereotype of the librarian, the old spinster going, "Shhh?" Yeah. It was the librarians who were talking the loudest. "OH, THOSE CAN BE FOUND OVER IN THE BACK!" You wanna get a megaphone, there, sister? Because I'm not sure they heard you in the playground across the street.

Also, there was a nervous cougher there. And this may come as a shock to you, but I am kind of irritable.

"Ahem-cough."

That's what she did. Approximately every 48 seconds. And I realize "48" should be spelled out if you are using APA style, but leave me alone.

"Ahem-cough."

The second time she did it, I kind of nervously adjusted in my chair.

"Ahem-cough."

Then I turned around to see who was doing it, like that was gonna make a difference.

"Ahem-cough."

I think that was about the moment I started timing how often she was doing it.

"Ahem-cough."

"You don't even NEED to cough," I was thinking. "You're just doing it out of habit. STOP. IT."

"Ahem-cough."

"STOPPPP ITTTTTT."

………."Ahem-cough."

"STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"

So that was my afternoon at the library. At about three o'clock,the sun started shining through the window and oh, I was getting logy. My eyes were feeling so heavy. So I left ahem and her cough and came home, and I said to Tallulah, "Let's take a nap" and do you know what I like about Tallulah? She never looks at her dog watch and says, "Wow, really? It's 3 p.m. I still have all that paperwork to slog through" or "If we take a nap now, we'll be all screwed up at bedtime."

Never. She never says those things. She just clicks right into the bedroom and falumps up onto the bed like it's the best idea I ever had. In fact, look at her now. It's 8:21 a.m.

Sheepytime
Hey, we just got up and hour and a half ago, but what say we turn in? With our sheep?

Anyway, we had an excellent nap. I woke up an hour later completely disoriented with my head all damp like I was three years old. I sat listlessly on the couch for several minutes with my sippy cup and kind of swirled my hair with my fingers.

Finally, some chick friends asked me to meet them for sushi "over by where Pie Works is," and I just like to say things like "chick friends" to drive my mother to the depths of insanity, with her Ms. Magazine and her Gloria Steinem and her ERA Yes bumper sticker and all.

So my plan was to meet these yentas, but to tell you the truth I did not listen very well to the directions because I hate directions. And I knew where Pie Works was.

Except guess what? I didn't. Turns out I knew where the old, ABANDONED Pie Works shell of a building was, which was not at all helpful. Fortunately for me, some woman was walking through the parking lot, just leaving work. "Excuse me," I said. "I am looking for a sushi restaurant near where Pie Works is supposed to be–"

"Imperial Koi! That's where you want! Oh, it's good there! One of my favorites"

Turns out I stopped the world's most outgoing woman.

"Yes, that sounds right. Well, I think I'm lost, I–"

"Oh, honey, you ARE lost. Just follow me."

And do you know that woman led me across town to that restaurant? I really wish I would have asked her to join the rest of us skirts, I really do.

Am picturing my mother hanging from a noose at this point, in front of the computer. Skirts, chicks, and yentas, all in one post.

Well, I'd better get ready for my hair appointment. Talk to you hens later.

114 thoughts on “Ahem cough

  1. Thanks, Lisa Pie. Cough. Ahem. Sniffle… Dang. Terra’s at work. My tinkling is for naught.
    Oy, do I have a vent. My mom makes this wholly unnatural weird hairball noise ending in a skrink! sound to clear out her sinuses. After an hour of that I am clinging to the ceiling fixtures. I always thought that it bothered me because I have some anger issues towards her.
    Now I know. It’s just that abominable haaaaaackSKRINK!

    Like

  2. Thanks, Lisa Pie. Cough. Ahem. Sniffle… Dang. Terra’s at work. My tinkling is for naught.
    Oy, do I have a vent. My mom makes this wholly unnatural weird hairball noise ending in a skrink! sound to clear out her sinuses. After an hour of that I am clinging to the ceiling fixtures. I always thought that it bothered me because I have some anger issues towards her.
    Now I know. It’s just that abominable haaaaaackSKRINK!

    Like

  3. Thanks, Lisa Pie. Cough. Ahem. Sniffle… Dang. Terra’s at work. My tinkling is for naught.
    Oy, do I have a vent. My mom makes this wholly unnatural weird hairball noise ending in a skrink! sound to clear out her sinuses. After an hour of that I am clinging to the ceiling fixtures. I always thought that it bothered me because I have some anger issues towards her.
    Now I know. It’s just that abominable haaaaaackSKRINK!

    Like

  4. I am always so jealous of the little kids who are sleeping so soundly that they wake up in a sweat. Cat naps ( or dog naps in your case) rock. If only everyone would be quiet at the Target for ten minutes…
    Are you sure all dogs are not supposed to be running free? I was just wondering.

    Like

  5. No one brought up the term “sisters”! I am surprised. That is my favorite for females I like. The ones I don’t, well I don’t want to go there.
    Junie- the library cougher probably was just trying to get your attention because of your roots, was she winking at you too?
    Glad your roots are going to be settled, glad you still have your sippy cup for those bad days, and glad everyone still loves them some Hulk.

    Like

  6. you don’t have a lot of guys reading you do you? Well I read you. I just don’t comment very often because there are usually already so many comments by the time I read it. Your readers sure are a bunch of chatty cathys. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  7. A) Am back and my hair is ADORABLE! If it weren’t snowing 800 feet per minute would go somewhere to show off hair but it is so I will not.
    B) Jan, I am a feminist but I do have a sense of humor. I am a broad and a skirt and a bird and a womyn and proud of it.
    ย 
    C) Was happily eating my salt-and-vinegar Pringles till I got to Hulk’s comment about Carin having aย “Just Trying To Make it Another Day” blog and nearly choked to death, and what an embarassing way to go.
    D) Anthony! You still read my blog! I heart you!
    E) I am with everyone else on Katie’s dilemma: there is more to the story than just this dog. Why is this guy so wrapped up in this roommate and her emotional situation? Take the dog, leave the cannoli and rethink the whole relationship. But TAKE THE DOG. TAKE THE DOG. And yes, Hulk, dogs have emotions. They are not just pooping robots. Unlike you.

    Like

  8. Re: “pooping robots” (Heh, Hulk).
    I babysat my friend’s ferrets for her for a week. FERRETS. They ARE fur-covered shit machines. They eat, they shit. Almost simultaneously. Just FYI.
    Oh sure, they’re cute, but the SHIT, man.

    Like

  9. Re: “pooping robots” (Heh, Hulk).
    I babysat my friend’s ferrets for her for a week. FERRETS. They ARE fur-covered shit machines. They eat, they shit. Almost simultaneously. Just FYI.
    Oh sure, they’re cute, but the SHIT, man.

    Like

  10. Re: “pooping robots” (Heh, Hulk).
    I babysat my friend’s ferrets for her for a week. FERRETS. They ARE fur-covered shit machines. They eat, they shit. Almost simultaneously. Just FYI.
    Oh sure, they’re cute, but the SHIT, man.

    Like

  11. Furry G, my ferret charges were in a (large) cage, thank God, but they got out once, unbeknownst to me. Simon (my Siamese) HERDED them around the room until I got back down there to put them back! Actually herded them, kept them from slinking under the door, etc., like a Border Collie.
    Fortunately, the ferrets didn’t poop during their brief reign of freedom. They are nothing but an alimentary canal on legs, so help me.

    Like

  12. Furry G, my ferret charges were in a (large) cage, thank God, but they got out once, unbeknownst to me. Simon (my Siamese) HERDED them around the room until I got back down there to put them back! Actually herded them, kept them from slinking under the door, etc., like a Border Collie.
    Fortunately, the ferrets didn’t poop during their brief reign of freedom. They are nothing but an alimentary canal on legs, so help me.

    Like

  13. Furry G, my ferret charges were in a (large) cage, thank God, but they got out once, unbeknownst to me. Simon (my Siamese) HERDED them around the room until I got back down there to put them back! Actually herded them, kept them from slinking under the door, etc., like a Border Collie.
    Fortunately, the ferrets didn’t poop during their brief reign of freedom. They are nothing but an alimentary canal on legs, so help me.

    Like

  14. I appreciate everyone’s input, but I think I need to clarify something.. he doesn’t give a shit about the roommate’s emotional state, he cares about the dog’s emotional state. I’m going with the a few weeks of doting will turn the dog around off of being attached to the crazy broad. (there it is!)
    And we’ve done some talking and are working towards an us-having-the-dog solution. He’s got the balls to do it, he just didn’t think I *really* wanted the dog.

    Like

  15. Katie and her boyfriend must take that dog. If he is being neglected, his relationship with the roommate is damaging to him. Hulk is wrong about animals. They do bond to people and sometimes in superhuman ways if you’ll pardon my anthropomorphizing. They have emotions and it is a mistake and cruel to think they don’t. Anyway, that dog needs a loving home and attention. Take it, love it, and it will be much happier than in a crate. I have a former crate dog and he is smart and loyal and very attached to me.

    Like

  16. Take the dog. Fo sho, take the doggie.
    “Pooping robots”? Heeeeeeeeee!
    Hulkie, still love you even though you’re a pooping robot.
    “Alimentary canals on legs?” DYING over here!
    And, just for the record, Hulk stole my Carin idea. Dang. That’s what you get for commenting late in the day. Dang.

    Like

  17. My London uni librarian is still old-school crazy. She scream-whispers for silence if you so much as turn a page too loudly and she looks so angry when you take a book off a perfectly-arranged shelf that you kind of feel you should apologise. You should come work here June, I’m sure I haven’t heard anybody snuffling there as they probably get an instant poison dart to the neck or something.

    Like

  18. June, I am also a feminist. I also and too have a sense of humor. I think I heard it best from one of my personal heroes, Ice T, when he said something to the effect of “if I call a woman a bitch in a rap, it doesn’t apply to you unless you make it apply to you”. Preach it, brother man. ๐Ÿ˜‰ No, really, I was being funny when I pointed out that a feminist asked me about my usage of broad. I am raising two daughters who I have told they can do anything and everything any boy can do and do it better. And well… my oldest daughter is the quaterback for her football team and a can throw a mean shoulder and tackle when she needs to and the boys on the other teams are afraid of her. She also is the pitcher for her softball team. Several of the boys in her grade challenged her last year to bat against her pitching thinking it would be easy peasy. After she struck five of them out in 15 pitches, they all walked away but the comments about her pitching have stopped. Her sister is working her way up the belts in karate and has scared enough boys by breaking boards in front of them.
    All the while, they are both girly-girls who need to have their pedicure before a big game or meet and have color coordinated hair ties to go with all of their different uniforms.
    Yes, Anthony, apparently I am a Chatty Cathy. ๐Ÿ˜‰ You are welcome here any time. Look at all the attention Hulk gets thrown at him. You need to comment more so Hulk has some extra competetion in here. There are other boys, too. Terra and Steve (and Hulk) would probably enjoy some extra testosterone in here!

    Like

  19. June, I am also a feminist. I also and too have a sense of humor. I think I heard it best from one of my personal heroes, Ice T, when he said something to the effect of “if I call a woman a bitch in a rap, it doesn’t apply to you unless you make it apply to you”. Preach it, brother man. ๐Ÿ˜‰ No, really, I was being funny when I pointed out that a feminist asked me about my usage of broad. I am raising two daughters who I have told they can do anything and everything any boy can do and do it better. And well… my oldest daughter is the quaterback for her football team and a can throw a mean shoulder and tackle when she needs to and the boys on the other teams are afraid of her. She also is the pitcher for her softball team. Several of the boys in her grade challenged her last year to bat against her pitching thinking it would be easy peasy. After she struck five of them out in 15 pitches, they all walked away but the comments about her pitching have stopped. Her sister is working her way up the belts in karate and has scared enough boys by breaking boards in front of them.
    All the while, they are both girly-girls who need to have their pedicure before a big game or meet and have color coordinated hair ties to go with all of their different uniforms.
    Yes, Anthony, apparently I am a Chatty Cathy. ๐Ÿ˜‰ You are welcome here any time. Look at all the attention Hulk gets thrown at him. You need to comment more so Hulk has some extra competetion in here. There are other boys, too. Terra and Steve (and Hulk) would probably enjoy some extra testosterone in here!

    Like

  20. June, I am also a feminist. I also and too have a sense of humor. I think I heard it best from one of my personal heroes, Ice T, when he said something to the effect of “if I call a woman a bitch in a rap, it doesn’t apply to you unless you make it apply to you”. Preach it, brother man. ๐Ÿ˜‰ No, really, I was being funny when I pointed out that a feminist asked me about my usage of broad. I am raising two daughters who I have told they can do anything and everything any boy can do and do it better. And well… my oldest daughter is the quaterback for her football team and a can throw a mean shoulder and tackle when she needs to and the boys on the other teams are afraid of her. She also is the pitcher for her softball team. Several of the boys in her grade challenged her last year to bat against her pitching thinking it would be easy peasy. After she struck five of them out in 15 pitches, they all walked away but the comments about her pitching have stopped. Her sister is working her way up the belts in karate and has scared enough boys by breaking boards in front of them.
    All the while, they are both girly-girls who need to have their pedicure before a big game or meet and have color coordinated hair ties to go with all of their different uniforms.
    Yes, Anthony, apparently I am a Chatty Cathy. ๐Ÿ˜‰ You are welcome here any time. Look at all the attention Hulk gets thrown at him. You need to comment more so Hulk has some extra competetion in here. There are other boys, too. Terra and Steve (and Hulk) would probably enjoy some extra testosterone in here!

    Like

  21. You left out goddesses. One of Furry’s nom de plumes is “Pope and Goddess of the Universe.” Hence, you can all be goddess by association. I swear I am not making this up.

    Like

  22. Wow, all this estrogen for some skirted chick broad sister gal girlfriend bitch ho (won’t use the see you next tuesday word) cougher..ahem..June stalker.
    Yeah, I want to see the new hair.
    And Take the dog, it will love you so much.

    Like

  23. So this post showed up twice in my Google Reader. Would you like to tell me which one I should comment on? So anyway, I’m dying to see your new haircut. I suppose you’re gonna make us check back tomorrow aren’t you?

    Like

  24. Earplugs. Get some earplugs. And not the generic cylinder-shaped ones. Go to an outdoor recreation store or hunting supplies store. They have earplugs that are shaped more like the inner ear. They cut out the noise real nice-like.
    And I managed to get them in pink.

    Like

  25. Katie: take the dog. i have a rescue dog who was years old when i adopted her, and while i’m positive she loved her old owners, she has also grown to love me too. your dog won’t be sad forever, but will probably mope for a bit. lots of exercise and fun excursions help with that. good luck!

    Like

  26. OH! My GOSH! I was having sort of a non-fantastic day today, feeling a little blue and gross and unsettled, and after reading your posts I will be going to bed happy! You are a sunbeam today!

    Like

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