An entire post about calendars, and I really did have stuff to talk about, like the BIRD BEAK I pulled out Tallulah’s mouth.

I have to go to the post office today to mail my father a calendar. I KNOW. It's March. It's the middle of March. And by the way, two different times yesterday I mentioned the Ides of March and got a confused look from people. I said, "Beware the Ides of March!" to a receptionist yesterday and her reply was, "Ma'am?"

The education system in this country upsets me.

And we have a new rule on this blog. There is a no "I don't know what that is, either" rule. You may not leave that comment. You must GOOGLE IT rather than leave that comment. That is why God invented Google.

Yes, I do know that I am a school marm.

Anyway, the calendar. I was on the phone with my father the other day, who was mentioning how he was glad it was a leap year, and I don't even know why he was glad it was a leap year. Why would anyone be glad it was a leap year? He wanted someone to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance? I can't recall. All I recall is the part where of course it is NOT a leap year.

"Father," I asked, "don't you have your cheery holocaust calendar?"

For years, my father has been getting my grandmother's holocaust calendars, which she got for free because she used to send money to some organization, which I will guess was maybe the Holocaust Museum? Maybe? At any rate, if you knew my upbeat grandmother, the part where she has a holocaust calendar is perfect.

My grandmother was the very first emo person. Had my grandmother been born 50 years later, she totally would have been goth.

She lived, with her optimistic self, with my father in her twilight years. This is why he is getting her mail to this day. I guess whatever organization that sent her holocaust calendar finally caught on that she is no longer sending a donation, so they stopped sending a calendar. It is very my-father-ish that he, then, did not get another calendar, but rather soldiered on.

"No, I didn't get the calendar this year," he said. "I just have the pin in the wall."

"So you were hoping it'd work like kind of a sun dial?" I asked. "Oh, look at the way the sun shines on that pin. Must be a leap year."

My father also was getting Grammy's old lady catalogs, which I think I have told you about before, because he and I got way into them. Old lady catalogs are hilarious, and I do not mean, of course, that they literally sell old ladies.

"Mildred, 87, loves her stories and lilac dusting powder. On sale now for $179.98, just in time for Easter."

No. I mean that they sell stuff only old people are into. Like those toenail clippers that are way long, so you can clip your toenails from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy without bending over.

Or those magnifying glasses you wear on one eye so you can tweeze your brows.

My father and I would read this catalog and pee our leg, the stuff in there was so hilarious, and finally he wrote the company and told them to start sending me my own copy, so we could call each other and page through the catalog over the phone.

And then you know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened. We started getting into the stuff in the catalog. That's what happened.

"I don't know," he'd say. "What about that plastic disc that has different-size holes in it, so you know how many servings of spaghetti you're making?"

"Oh, father, that's a terrible waste of plastic," I'd say. "But ooo. Fleece-lined reading-glasses holders. In black and tapestry."


"Page 34."

We both own the fleece-lined reading glasses holders. In both black and tapestry. See what happened? We went from reading the old-lady catalog ironically to being paying customers. Somewhere we crossed a line.


So I have an extra calendar of pictures of Los Angeles that my friend Kista sent me, which was sent to her by her County Commissioner or something. They are pictures of our neighborhood that she and I both lived in, and I was enjoying them, but I had already bought a main calendar that I had put all the dates in, of birthdays and so forth.

And by the way, Grammy, the one with the holocaust calendar, not only put in birthdays, she also put in death dates. I noted the year after my grandfather died, on October 18 she wrote, "Chuck died," which you'd kind of think she'd remember, since he was her husband and all.

But you know what? She got dementia, and she remembered his name all the way up to the end, but there is no way she would have remembered the date he died without having the date on that ever-cheerful holocaust calendar, so she was right on that one.

Maybe just to be a jerk, I'll note the date on the calendar before I mail it off to my father.

127 thoughts on “An entire post about calendars, and I really did have stuff to talk about, like the BIRD BEAK I pulled out Tallulah’s mouth.

  1. Deb Stone,
    As you get older you can’t see up close to the mirror and it’s impossible to pluck your eyebrows while wearing a pair of bifocals. That’s why you have your children when you are young, so you can see them when they are close to you.


  2. oh, I don’t know – why does one need to magnify your brows to pluck them? How FAR away are you from the mirror? If this grooming occurs in my bathroom, I’m actually right up to the mirror for the job. Perhaps I am not understanding this correctly.


  3. Gladys,
    I met the Sweet Potato Queen! I wore my pink feathered sparkly tiara to a book reading/signing and took ALL my books to have her sign them. She was an absolute DOLL! We took pictures together and everything.
    And you know her husband, the Cutest Boy in the Whole World? He was there and he took all the picture, and guess what? He really IS the C.B.I.T.W.W.!
    I can not believe that I own each and every one of her books and did not glean the information about the S&BJ Day. Makes me wonder what else I missed!


  4. Gosh I’m glad I ended my day by reading these comments as I have learned about a new holiday – Steak and BJ Day – need to make a card next year for that one!
    I also can’t wait to hear about Lu’s bird beak. Our Leia brought us a bird leg a couple of weeks ago. Not sure what happened to the rest of the bird but just seeing this leg creeeeeped me out.


  5. Hmm. Old ladies. It has been 3 days since daylight savings time when we lost an hour. I don’t ever remember having this many problems with the whole thing! I look up and it’s 7:30 or 8:00 and I haven’t even THOUGHT about dinner yet. Usually I’m a bit off for the first day and then I get over it. Is it at 44 that you turn loopy? LOL


  6. And finally a shout out to Howard Stern… June will appreciate this. One of my favorite sound bites is Howard mimicking his mom and saying “gurgle, gurgle”.
    Rose are red
    Petunias are purple
    Please make me happy
    And say gurgle, gurgle


  7. March 14, Steak and BJ day
    Coming soon to the Hallmark card section near you…
    Roses are Red
    Violets are Blue
    If you really loved me
    That’s exactly what you’d do


  8. The eyeglass cozies are scary. Those catalogs were definitely a slippery slope.
    Jews always commemorate the anniversary of a death. Marvin can tell you that. But your grandmother wasn’t Jewish, right? Tell her to get her own traditions.


  9. OOOPs I meant March 14. I guess I was delaying it.
    Also and too I thought LV went under maybe she just filed BK and reorganized. Which leads me to ask does anyone remember when they would play the Lillian Vernon Game Show on Mad TV?


  10. Lisa Pie commented: Steak and Blow Job Day? All in one shot? omg! Did Kahuna make this shit up?
    Lisa no he didn’t but it was in the book The Sweet Potato Queen’s Book of Love by Jill Conner Brown. If you haven’t read it you must. She will have you in stitches. I read that to him and he immediately put it on the calendar. He doesn’t remember birthdays or anniversaries or even Valetines Day but he remembers that March 28 is Steak and BJ day.


  11. oh June. no wonder Marvin screams out PICKLES. gosh with Enjoly you are almost a BLT…. “I’ve got the bacon woman” jesus, mary and joseph and a red sedan


  12. And sadly? I can sing you both perfumes’ theme songs.
    Kinda young kinda now. Charlie. Kinda free kinda WOW! Charlie. Kind of fragrance that’s here to stay and they call it, Charlie!
     I can bring home the bacon (Enjoli!) fry it up in a pan (Enjoli!) and nevernevernever let you forget you’re a man! Cause I’m a woman. Enjoli.


  13. I have the tapestry glasses holder. It was my mothers and I got it when she died and it still smells like Enjoli or Charlie or whatever because I put it in an airtight bag to remember her smell. Does that make me a freak?


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