I am berserk, June's stupid life

St. Patrick’s Day. The day we all gather around and cut soap.

Shamrock

Every year, I think about writing my post in green on St. Patrick's Day and every year I never do it, because my blog is annoying enough.

I would like to give a shout out to Emma, my friend Dottie's daughter, who was born on St. Patrick's Day. Top of the Lucky Charms to ya, Emma!

Today is one one those days where I just have eight million topics to tell you, so let's stampede to them, shall we?

1. If you read this blog a lot, you will recall a few weeks ago the story about how a friend called and said, "I'm in your neighborhood, can I stop by?" and I said okay and CUE THE SANFORD AND SON MUSIC. I tore around like a dervish cleaning up, and since then have completely lost my favorite reading glasses, runner's watch and address book.

And by the way, why can I NEVER find these posts when I want to link to them? Why must I post every day? Why must I never shut up? Irritating.

I can tell you it has been quite some time since that friend came over, because that was the day she convinced me to try the first of those embarrassing Twilight books, and as we all know, I have humiliatingly read the entire series at this point.

This is why, when I saw a cute address book in Seattle, I bought it. It was getting stupid how many times I was inconvenienced by not having one. I might as well admit the thing was gone.

Newaddress

On Monday I sent an email to everyone I could possibly think of, and you know, it was like a little psychological test to see (a) who responded (nearly everybody) (although one person wrote back and said, "I don't do Christmas cards so I'm not sending you my address," which I thought was odd) and (b) who just coldly wrote their address and who sent a funny little note. Very few people just coldly sent their address. Some people sent huge emails that I have yet to respond to, because hi, did it occur to you I would be getting 75,000 emails that day?

The point is, I spent hours filling out that cute green address book above, with the help of Henry, my assistant, who needs his coffee if he is to be remotely human in the morning, and then guess what happened.

Oh, you know what happened.

That #*$@&@%# old address book turned up. In that second drawer you see there barely in the picture. Like I didn't look there 700 times. Like Henry my assistant didn't hear the swears then.

2. I like how I said I was gonna be brief and that story took 900 centuries.

Hork

Paula sent me 8 million images of me scattering Mr. Horkheimer's ashes while I was in Seattle, and I put in the one where it looks like I sprinkled him by hand. What I was doing, actually, was shaking his poor self off the bush, there. We traipsed out to those enormously prickly blackberry bushes, I said a few words about what a good cat he had been, we called my friend Marianne, because she had asked me to, then I scattered him. I asked Paula why he had enjoyed being in this dense, prickly place, she said she had no idea, she took 8 million pictures, and I said, "Goodbye, Hork. You were a good cat."

He was a good cat. I have had many cats. He will always stand out among them. My Hork.

Waitingforgodot
2(a). Paula also sent me this picture of her dog, Buddy, and me staring out the window. I think we were admiring the cherry blossoms. I love this picture. I tried to teach Buddy "bang" while I was there, but he was unable to learn, with his clear ADD. Tallulah can do "bang," but it's the least-dramatic shooting incident you've ever seen. It's like Kristen Stewart getting shot. "Oh. I'm shot. Whatever." Tallulah rolls over really.really.slowly. "Okay, I'm dead. Now where's my treat?"

3. Also while I was in Seattle, Faithful Reader Lynn, who makes beautiful jewelry, sent bracelets for Paula and for me! She sent us a big ton of them, and said we could pick one and send what we didn't like back to her. I said, "Well, what if we like more than one?" Because I am greedy. And terrible. Lynn said she was HOPING we'd like more than one, and to take as many as we liked, so we did. Because did I mention we were greedy?

011

This is my favorite one. Look how I posed with it next to my lights, which match. Do you like how I styled the whole thing like that? I can't get enough of myself.

I have worn this bracelet constantly and I keep pawing at it and saying, "LOOK at it! Look how pretty!" I am annoying. Anyway, thank you, Lynn, for sending those to us. I know it was mostly to cheer Paula up and it did. But look how happy it made me!

Finally, I wouldn't want you all to lose your minds with the wondering about my tape dispenser from yesterday.

Tape
 

Here it is. I think Marvin's Auntie Mickey got it for us, and if it was someone else, like my Aunt Mary, I'm sure I'll hear about it. Anyway, it's convenient, because you never say, "Where's our tape dispenser?"

Okay. Those were all the things I had to tell you today. I have to proofread celebrity interviews today, and I am not even making that up. I cannot tell you about it but it's not like it's anything you don't know anyway. It's just publicity junk. But it's more exciting than statistics. What if some celebrity is making a movie about statistics and I end up reading about that all day?

Jennifer Aniston in The Chi-Square!

62 thoughts on “St. Patrick’s Day. The day we all gather around and cut soap.”

  1. Awww, I bet Hork is happy chasing critters galore. I love the picture of you and Buddy (his chin on the window is just priceless).
    Sorry, you are as antiquated as I am in the gardening tool department, it sucks not having the right tools.

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  2. I love that picture June, it’s gorgeous.
    Cosmo’s Dad – yes, apparently he has Irish roots! Who would’ve thought it?!
    A belated Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all – hope ye had a good one!

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  3. Thanks, Talu, my sham did rock today. The soap has been cut and my Irish roots are green. Aye, I’ve been rrrrrooooolling those rrrrrrrrrrr’s today.
    June, I’m glad you were able to take Mr. Horkheimer back to the playground of his youth. That was a very thoughtful thing to do.

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  4. Thank you for the picture of the tape dispenser! When I read yesterday’s post, I thought, “I wish I could see the rest of that tape dispenser.” And that’s a sentence I’m pretty sure I had never thought before!

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  5. H&B, in Phoenix, there is a store called Paddy O’Furniture!
    Guess what they sell?

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  6. Ok, I only get to drag this one out and dust it off once a year, so here you go:
    What’s green and stays out all night?
    Patty O’Furniture.
    Yeah, I know. GROAN.

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  7. Ok, I only get to drag this one out and dust it off once a year, so here you go:
    What’s green and stays out all night?
    Patty O’Furniture.
    Yeah, I know. GROAN.

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  8. Ok, I only get to drag this one out and dust it off once a year, so here you go:
    What’s green and stays out all night?
    Patty O’Furniture.
    Yeah, I know. GROAN.

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  9. Does anyone else think it odd that June found her address book as soon as she returned from Seattle? That it was in a drawer that had been checked a million times? I think all evidence points to Marv. I think he had it and slipped it back into the drawer whilst June was away. Hmm.
    Junie – thanks for the mention of the bracelet, and super happy that you like it! Now, it looks a little large. Do you need a smaller version dear? Cause you know, you are smallish like that. Let me know.

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  10. Ohhhhhh, June! Did the Beak drive the snakes from North Carolina? It all sounds so miraculous and spiritual.
    Ask Joann and me about finding gross things in dog’s mouths. You aren’t even close, I tell you. I WISH they had items as sanitary as bird’s beaks in their maws, instead of other (un)sanitary items.
    Yes, Terra, that would be YOUR precious tiny baby…

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  11. Ohhhhhh, June! Did the Beak drive the snakes from North Carolina? It all sounds so miraculous and spiritual.
    Ask Joann and me about finding gross things in dog’s mouths. You aren’t even close, I tell you. I WISH they had items as sanitary as bird’s beaks in their maws, instead of other (un)sanitary items.
    Yes, Terra, that would be YOUR precious tiny baby…

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  12. Ohhhhhh, June! Did the Beak drive the snakes from North Carolina? It all sounds so miraculous and spiritual.
    Ask Joann and me about finding gross things in dog’s mouths. You aren’t even close, I tell you. I WISH they had items as sanitary as bird’s beaks in their maws, instead of other (un)sanitary items.
    Yes, Terra, that would be YOUR precious tiny baby…

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  13. Once upon a time Tallulah had something in her mouth. It was a bird beak. It was gross. The end. I mean, how much more of a story did you all expect? Did you think I took the beak and rebuilt a whole new bird around it? An inspirational story about rebirth, by June.

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  14. It posted twice because you didn’t tell us about the bird beak. Its an evil internet plot, like Bizarro world and Superman and why am I backwards in the mirror.

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  15. Oh, yeah! The sprinkler! Never could water the backyard when Howard was outside. He liked the wiggle of it too much. Like the way my expensive coy in the fish pond felt when he sat on them. Boy really knew how to self pleasure. Cost me a ding dang fortune.
    Crazy dog. I wish he had been as clever as Domino, Joann, but Howard was not so lucky.

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  16. Oh, yeah! The sprinkler! Never could water the backyard when Howard was outside. He liked the wiggle of it too much. Like the way my expensive coy in the fish pond felt when he sat on them. Boy really knew how to self pleasure. Cost me a ding dang fortune.
    Crazy dog. I wish he had been as clever as Domino, Joann, but Howard was not so lucky.

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  17. Oh, yeah! The sprinkler! Never could water the backyard when Howard was outside. He liked the wiggle of it too much. Like the way my expensive coy in the fish pond felt when he sat on them. Boy really knew how to self pleasure. Cost me a ding dang fortune.
    Crazy dog. I wish he had been as clever as Domino, Joann, but Howard was not so lucky.

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  18. 1. You look lovely, looking out the window with that big dog. 2. Your new address book is cutie cute. 3. As soon as I started reading about new address book, I thought, “now the old one will show up.” 4. My hubby thinks KStew is overly dramatic. I tell him it is because he is underly dramatic and that is why there seems to be a huge gap. 5. How fun to proof celebrity interviews. Do you get to make their random thoughts into complete sentences? 6. I saw it was Nancy Wilson’s b-day yesterday. Was Paula invited to the party?

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  19. I, for one, do NOT want to hear about the bird beak. It makes me think of the time my dog brought a big black dead bird into my house, and left it on the kitchen floor for me to discover when I got home. I screamed like a little girl and ran next door and asked the neighbor boy if he would please, please get the dead bird out of my kitchen. Thankfully, he did.
    Also, I just wanted to remind you that I was the one that told you that the best way to find a lost item is to buy a replacement. It works every damned time for me. One of my daughter’s sneakers is missing right now, and I promised her a new pair of sneakers when it got all springy like, so today after school we will get new shoes. Who wants to bet me that the missing sneaker shows up within 24 hours? They always do. And then I will curse, like I always do. You know those people who say “I told you so?” I think they’re really annoying, and now I’m pretty annoyed with myself for doing just that. Hi June!

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  20. Furry, I need a smart dog like that . . . desperately.
    And I don’t give a crap about the birds beak. I am so freakin’ tired of taking weird nasty things out of dogs mouths. Someday I will like these dogs of mine. I’m just waiting for that 1st birthday, hoping that becoming big girl dogs will be the secret.
    You know what happened to that address book? Carin put it back after she spotted you buying a new one.
    My brother’s birthday is today, the proudest day of my little Irish mother’s life, to have borne a child, Thomas Patrick, on St. Paddy’s Day.
    June, not only do I LOVE that bracelet, I love the way Seattle treated your hair. That rainy climate does nice things to your hair.

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  21. And now I want to know about soap cutting. The only thing cutting around here is the dogs…cutting cheese.

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  22. Back when I had a Dalmation (sweet Howard!, I, er, “babysat” a female for him to date. Howard was a quirky, funny hump, but oh! Domino! (stupid overused name, but Oh! What a dog!) Anyhoooooo, Domino could do the bang trick PERFECTLY. She must have gotten all of the intelligence genes for all Dalmations everywhere. You would point your finger like a ten year old boy and command, “Stick ’em up!” She would sit there and curl her lips. You would shoot her with your finger. BANG! She would collapse in a heap. You could pick up her feet and ears. Domino would not move. When you backed away, she would lift her head and wag her tail. You turned around and shot her with your finger again. POW! Down she went. She would not get up until you told her, “It’s okay. You lived.”
    Dang. I wanted to trade dogs. Howard’s biggest trick was getting his head caught in the trash can when Mr. Huang would pop it open.

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  23. Back when I had a Dalmation (sweet Howard!, I, er, “babysat” a female for him to date. Howard was a quirky, funny hump, but oh! Domino! (stupid overused name, but Oh! What a dog!) Anyhoooooo, Domino could do the bang trick PERFECTLY. She must have gotten all of the intelligence genes for all Dalmations everywhere. You would point your finger like a ten year old boy and command, “Stick ’em up!” She would sit there and curl her lips. You would shoot her with your finger. BANG! She would collapse in a heap. You could pick up her feet and ears. Domino would not move. When you backed away, she would lift her head and wag her tail. You turned around and shot her with your finger again. POW! Down she went. She would not get up until you told her, “It’s okay. You lived.”
    Dang. I wanted to trade dogs. Howard’s biggest trick was getting his head caught in the trash can when Mr. Huang would pop it open.

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  24. Back when I had a Dalmation (sweet Howard!, I, er, “babysat” a female for him to date. Howard was a quirky, funny hump, but oh! Domino! (stupid overused name, but Oh! What a dog!) Anyhoooooo, Domino could do the bang trick PERFECTLY. She must have gotten all of the intelligence genes for all Dalmations everywhere. You would point your finger like a ten year old boy and command, “Stick ’em up!” She would sit there and curl her lips. You would shoot her with your finger. BANG! She would collapse in a heap. You could pick up her feet and ears. Domino would not move. When you backed away, she would lift her head and wag her tail. You turned around and shot her with your finger again. POW! Down she went. She would not get up until you told her, “It’s okay. You lived.”
    Dang. I wanted to trade dogs. Howard’s biggest trick was getting his head caught in the trash can when Mr. Huang would pop it open.

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  25. I hate the abbreviation “LOL” but this post did make me laugh out loud. My pups looked at me questioningly from their respective chairs. Thanks for answering those pressing questions. I will pass on that bird beak story…bleck and yuck…keep it to yourself.
    BTW your hair is still looking fan-frickin-tastic!

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  26. I am not surprised a bit that your address book showed up. Here is how that universe works: the poltergeist takes your belongings and gets great joy from keeping them from you, until such time as you replace them. Then, since it is no longer fun for him or her (you can usually tell which by what they steal from you) to vex you, they put the item back in the place where you looked for it the most often. It makes perfect sense on the other side.

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  27. I am not surprised a bit that your address book showed up. Here is how that universe works: the poltergeist takes your belongings and gets great joy from keeping them from you, until such time as you replace them. Then, since it is no longer fun for him or her (you can usually tell which by what they steal from you) to vex you, they put the item back in the place where you looked for it the most often. It makes perfect sense on the other side.

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  28. I am not surprised a bit that your address book showed up. Here is how that universe works: the poltergeist takes your belongings and gets great joy from keeping them from you, until such time as you replace them. Then, since it is no longer fun for him or her (you can usually tell which by what they steal from you) to vex you, they put the item back in the place where you looked for it the most often. It makes perfect sense on the other side.

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  29. Yes, a portion of your memory is still there. I sent you the tape dispenser. It’s really kind of cute. Should’ve bought one for myself. And sorry to say this, Garp does not know bang either, tho I’ve never taught him that.

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  30. Junie, please do expound on the bird beak.
    Also? When I sent you my address the other day I sent only the address in my message. I didn’t realize I was being cold. Hmph. I was being efficient. I thought it would be nice of me to send you something uncluttery so you could just cut and paste.
    My computer does this neato thing where it recognizes an address and automatically enters it into my iMac’s address book thingy. It’s really cool!
    Ok. I’m going now. I’m going to take the dogs for a cold walk and be cold to everyone I see.

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  31. I love the pictures today. Talu in her festive Shamrock attire is quite adorable.
    You and Buddy do look like buddies in that pic. Something very comforting in that photo.
    My dearly departed Dinah was bright enough for, “Bang, dead dog”. She’d do it with a flourish. Unfortunately her tail would wag the whole time. Any pup from her time on has stared blankly at me as I try to teach this trick. “Duh, bang wha?”

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  32. I love the pictures today. Talu in her festive Shamrock attire is quite adorable.
    You and Buddy do look like buddies in that pic. Something very comforting in that photo.
    My dearly departed Dinah was bright enough for, “Bang, dead dog”. She’d do it with a flourish. Unfortunately her tail would wag the whole time. Any pup from her time on has stared blankly at me as I try to teach this trick. “Duh, bang wha?”

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  33. I love the pictures today. Talu in her festive Shamrock attire is quite adorable.
    You and Buddy do look like buddies in that pic. Something very comforting in that photo.
    My dearly departed Dinah was bright enough for, “Bang, dead dog”. She’d do it with a flourish. Unfortunately her tail would wag the whole time. Any pup from her time on has stared blankly at me as I try to teach this trick. “Duh, bang wha?”

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  34. I want to hear more about the bird beak too – I think it is another part of the bird that Leia bright me the leg of. Could be.
    BTW – I got my shirt June – thank you! Was surprised it wasn’t delivered by Fed-EX!
    Oh and also too? Your post is posted twice today.

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