Shock the monkey

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when Marvin picked up my Oprah magazine. ” ‘Oprah’s battle with food is over,’ ” he read. Then he said, “Food won.”


It was one of those terrible things he says that makes me laugh the entire time I am brushing my teeth, all the way into the bedroom, through the entire clothes-picking-out process, and on into half my makeup application. Yes, my handbasket to hell is ready. I know I am sitting at the right hand of Old Pitch.


My punishment, however, is that I must begin cutting back my monkey grass today. If anyone remembers that arduous task from last year, you will recall it really is a punishment. I do not know what Marquis de Sade decided we needed 950 feet of monkey grass in this front yard, and I do not know why we have the gardening tools of ancient man. Seriously, I have to go to the Smithsonian and borrow back our gardening tools from the exhibit.


The Smithsonian does not have any ancient man exhibits, does it?


I am certain there must be some high-falutin’ power tool that would cut my monkey grass back in half the time, but have I mentioned the part where I took off to Seattle like a millionaire and cannot gad off to Home Depot like I’m Paris Hilton and just buy whatever power tool I’d like? You know how you always see shots of her just buying any old gardening supply like she owns the world.


So once again I must go out there with baby scissors and clip clip clip for hours on end, while my forearms ache and I curse my very existence. I would just like to meet the yahoo who formed the thought, “Hey! How about 10 acres of monkey grass out there!” Monkey “How about we curve it into all sorts of odd shapes, then put uncomfortable wood chips you have to kneel into when you’re cutting it!”


That picture up there shows you about one fourth of our monkey grass. ONE FOURTH!


Really, I would. Just give me 10 minutes and my baby manicure scissors with this dink. I beg you.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

56 thoughts on “Shock the monkey”

  1. Not to outdo you, but we have about 300 feet of monkey grass, inflicted on us by the previous owners. I raise the lawnmower to its highest point and cut the f@!&ing crappage. My preferred time is in the fall, but now is fine, too.
    If you don’t have a mower, pay someone to cut it. Save yourbadself for the important stuff, like dissing poor li’l Oprah and teasing the masses with the bird beak story.

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  2. Yes, I’m with Terra. Weed wack those bad boys. They’ll survive. Or the mower.
    Since google was my friend this morning was the reference to Marquis de Sade in regards to his proliferating your monkey grass? Or because he went insane planting so much monkey grass? Or wanted you to go insane with his proliferation? pourquoi?

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  3. I dated a guy who would raise his lawnmower to the highest setting and mow it once or twice a year. His monkey grass always seemed to be okay with it. If monkey grass had an opinion, that is.

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  4. I’m picturing you with Kindergarten safety scissors and a yellow ruler trimming your monkey grass. Make sure you take your glue with you…at least you’ll have something to sniff AND something to eat to get you through your arduous day…

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  5. My husband has the bad comments that crack me up, too. Yesterday, I was spewing about the mess our college girl leaves in her wake after her visits back home.
    As I was grumbling about it, he said, “Well, you wanted her.”
    I snorted and said, “You didn’t?”
    He said, “Well, the big screen TV I had my eye on at the time would have been a lot cheaper with no mess.”
    He really does love her, by the way.
    Monkey grass is very durable. We whack ours off as viciously as Joe Pesci in Goodfellas and that dang stuff just pops right back up.
    One more thing. Edwards Scissorhands was filmed in the neighborhood right next to my old neighborhood. I was constantly peeking around as best I could, with all the ding-dang security blocking me, to get a look at Mr. Hotness-Johnny Depp. But anyway, during the filming, they painted the houses all these vivid colors and transformed every resident’s hedges into these amazing Disney-like animal shapes and other figures. It was the most enchanting thing. After the filming, they cut them all back to their original shapes. I couldn’t believe it! Some of the residents wanted to keep their funky hedge manicures but the production team insisted they had to go back.

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  6. I didn’t get email asking for MY address…
    Hmph.
    I still have yours, though, so I will be sending sparkly pink Christmas cards forthwith.
    Home from AZ safe and sound.

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  7. What IS monkey grass??? I’ve never heard of it before. Your picture looks like what we call border grass? Is this the same thing?
    Also? I can’t believe how GREEN everything is up there! Down here (Florida!!) our grass is still brown looking. I wonder if all that cold weather we had killed it…

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  8. I have never seen nor heard of monkey grass either, but I was going to ask why you can’t just run the lawnmower over it. Incidentally, the lawnmower is my husband’s favorite way of picking up dog poo. Please now resume your breakfast.
    Hulk…did I forget to mention that you’d need a gallon of sunscreen? 🙂

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  9. Lisa in Fla, it is grass that is literally made from monkeys. No. I kid. Actually, I do not know if it is the same as border grass, but probably. Does anyone else know? It is really common here and does indeed serve as a border. It serves as the border for me between insanity and my precarious grip on normalcy.

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  10. We don’t cut ours at all. It lives anyway. It’s amazing how many maintenance jobs you can just stop doing…

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  11. Not only will I be singing Peter Gabriel today, I will be singing ‘Smooth Operator’.
    Marquis de Sade, pronounced sad and Sade the singer, pronounced Sha-day will have me grumbling all day.
    I am not a huge Sade fan. The singer, not the sadist. That’s not saying much for me, hmm?

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  12. Not only will I be singing Peter Gabriel today, I will be singing ‘Smooth Operator’.
    Marquis de Sade, pronounced sad and Sade the singer, pronounced Sha-day will have me grumbling all day.
    I am not a huge Sade fan. The singer, not the sadist. That’s not saying much for me, hmm?

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  13. Not only will I be singing Peter Gabriel today, I will be singing ‘Smooth Operator’.
    Marquis de Sade, pronounced sad and Sade the singer, pronounced Sha-day will have me grumbling all day.
    I am not a huge Sade fan. The singer, not the sadist. That’s not saying much for me, hmm?

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  14. Monkey grass is the common name for Liriope Grass. DO NOT go out there and trim it with scissors, June. That was made up by an insane anal gardener on the radio or HGTV. It will only convince your neighbors that you are quite off your rocker. There will only be a couple of things living after the big bomb. Keith Richards. Cockroaches. And Monkey damn grass.
    Use the lawnmower. I beseech you.

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  15. Monkey grass is the common name for Liriope Grass. DO NOT go out there and trim it with scissors, June. That was made up by an insane anal gardener on the radio or HGTV. It will only convince your neighbors that you are quite off your rocker. There will only be a couple of things living after the big bomb. Keith Richards. Cockroaches. And Monkey damn grass.
    Use the lawnmower. I beseech you.

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  16. Monkey grass is the common name for Liriope Grass. DO NOT go out there and trim it with scissors, June. That was made up by an insane anal gardener on the radio or HGTV. It will only convince your neighbors that you are quite off your rocker. There will only be a couple of things living after the big bomb. Keith Richards. Cockroaches. And Monkey damn grass.
    Use the lawnmower. I beseech you.

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  17. Border grass and monkey grass are one in the same.
    I am generally not a know-it-all, but that’s what I do! I have a gardening business.
    I like how I feel compelled to explain myself on here so that people won’t think I’m all uppity like Carin!
    Heeeeeyyyy Faithful Readers!! I’m a friendly! I’m nice! : ) hee hee!

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  18. Well, if it IS the same thing we just mow or weedwack ours too. And what kind of a name is monkey grass? Border grass makes more sense, doesn’t it? I’m going to go google monkey grass now and see…
    And I remember the steak/blow job comments…funny!!!
    I will not be cutting or mowing or whacking our border/monkey grass – I will be washing the dog who turned rancid overnight and smells like smelly old shoes and is stinking up the whole house. Then I will be spraying febreeze everywhere like a crazy woman. Gross.

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  19. Lisa, I am spraying Febreeze everywhere, too because I have company coming and puppies are morons. That’s it.
    Hulk, we used to go to Hilton Head every year before planes started dropping out of the sky and landing on top of people. We went with a huge group of friends and all the chillun. I would bring baby sunscreen spray made just for their little bald heads. Within a few years of our beach reunions, the men were the ones, saying, “Hey can I borrow that baby head spray.” My husband doesn’t go out in the sun without it, otherwise his head would like one of those mysterious crop circles.

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  20. And now “Drop the Pilot” is in my head, thanks June 😉
    I totally missed the conversation about Steak and a Blow Job Day, and now I will have to go back and read that. Some of you may be disturbed to know that I did not have to Google that, because my husband and his old roommate insist upon celebrating it every year.

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  21. Ok, how many of us want to know why The Other Erin’s husband is getting a blow job from his old roommate? Or giving one?

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  22. Ok, how many of us want to know why The Other Erin’s husband is getting a blow job from his old roommate? Or giving one?

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  23. Ok, how many of us want to know why The Other Erin’s husband is getting a blow job from his old roommate? Or giving one?

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  24. DYING HERE. Everything I read since Joann whacked off the monkey grass sounds like the adults talking in Peanuts. Except the part where Erin’s husband and his best man celebrate Steak and BJ Day. Now, that’s a keeper!
    BTW, remind me to send out the link to the company where you can create your very own holiday or week. I created National Professional Photographer Appreciation Month about 10 years ago. I think now I can do better than that, thanks to the creative juices flowing though this community.

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  25. Dying over Other Erin’s husband and his old college roommate. Gives a different meaning to the old adage “Give it the old college try”… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    Please remind me… and I would Google this but not sure if the answer would be there… Are you trying to trim back your Monkey Grass or kill it off completely? I can’t remember. If you are trying to trim it back, totally go lawnmower, I know everyone has mentioned it, but REALLY June, do yourself a favor. If you are trying to kill it, VINEGAR!!! It will kill anything and everything. And for really stubborn things, greenhouses sell a stronger variety than your garden variety (snort!) white vinegar.
    I realized yesterday that I did indeed celebrate Steak and BJ day on the 14th. We had a delicious flank steak, marinated in a wonderful ginger, soy and garlic marinade. It was fabulous. As for the BJ part, well, I might suggest my hubby call his old college roommates for that. My yard needs some maintenance as well. Winterbush, a terrible thing. 😉

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  26. I had no idea what Monkey Grass was so I did as June directs and Googled it.
    June, your little white house is adorable!
    Jan TMI, is “Winterbush” what I think it is? If so, snort.
    We don’t celebrate Steak & Blowjob Day. On March 14, that is.

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  27. Heavenly days in the morning, mother-in-law, you had no idea what tredpdation I had, wondering what your comment was going to be, given the line of todays comments.

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  28. Well first off, I hope othermama likes the way the monkey grass looks and not how Mr. The Other Erin and his Brokeback Roommate may look.
    Also, I don’t know the protocol for Steak and Blow Job Day, but I think onion rings would be an appropriate (and playful) side. Just sayin’.
    And third, your house IS cute! I love it. (Did I mention I was moving?….)

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  29. Well first off, I hope othermama likes the way the monkey grass looks and not how Mr. The Other Erin and his Brokeback Roommate may look.
    Also, I don’t know the protocol for Steak and Blow Job Day, but I think onion rings would be an appropriate (and playful) side. Just sayin’.
    And third, your house IS cute! I love it. (Did I mention I was moving?….)

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  30. Well first off, I hope othermama likes the way the monkey grass looks and not how Mr. The Other Erin and his Brokeback Roommate may look.
    Also, I don’t know the protocol for Steak and Blow Job Day, but I think onion rings would be an appropriate (and playful) side. Just sayin’.
    And third, your house IS cute! I love it. (Did I mention I was moving?….)

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  31. “Steak And A Blow Job”
    Sounds like my fantasy anniversary date…
    Good to be back, peoples…

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  32. Your house is so pretty. I absolutely love the arbor.
    It would be wonderful covered with bougainvillea, if that grows where you are.
    Bougainvillea comes in light pink, deep pink, red and purple varieties.
    Or not. I still love the arbor.

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  33. “Food won.” ROFL!!!
    Do you have a weedeater or electric hedge clippers? Personally I would ride over the money grass on the lawn mower and be done with it.

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  34. Everyday every day reader, it does not grow here, but the people before us had roses growing up there. Wouldnt that have been pretty? Then before they moved, they CUT THEM BACK. Why? WHY? Now I am trying to get them to grow back up and dont really know how.

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  35. I only recently realised the extent to which people have different tastes in gardens. TT doesn’t understand my desire to rip out half the plants in our new garden only to replace them with things he thinks look much the same. But ferns! Why would I keep ferns? I grew up in the country and ferns abounded in the woods. They don’t belong in a teeny flower bed.
    Tell you what – it’s pretty satisfying yanking out plants that you don’t really like, even if all you leave is bare earth or grass.

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