All day I dream about sulphites

Girl, I am back in my house. Could Tallulah be any more obsessed with me? We went to dog day care to pick her up before we even went home yesterday. The car was packed with our stuff, and we knew we’d have to ride with her lard arse on my lap (really, she’s quite svelte. I kind of just wanted to call her lard arse), but we were dying to get her.

About 100 miles outside of Greensboro, we started saying, “Talu!” every five minutes. We’d say “Knock knock!” “Who’s there?” “Talu!” Or Marvin would say, “Oh, you know what your cousin Jason told me?” Then he’d wait. “TALU!” Or I’d say, “That sign back there was weird. You know what it said? TALU!”

It’s really no wonder we have no friends.

I walked into the day care, and there’s this big window where you can watch all the dogs, kind of like an aquarium, only much more lively. Anyway, she whipped her head around the moment I walked up. Then she tore to the gate, because she knew she was gettin’ the hell out of there.

I guess five days at dog day care is too much of a good thing.

Oh, when she got into the lobby, it was like Ashley Wilkes coming home from the war. I know I always use that example, and you wish I’d see another movie already, but oh! She was happy to see me. Then Marvin finally got in (what TAKES Marvin so LONG to get out of a car and into a building? Is he putting on his lipstick? I am always in a facility 10 minutes before he is. I used to wait patiently in parking lots while he did whatever mysterious thing he is doing in the body of the car, back when we liked each other, but I gave that up years ago) she TORE over to him with equal eagerness.

When she got home, she was exhausted, and she followed me around but kept falling to the ground to sleep, but I noticed she kept opening her eyes to make sure I was still there. Finally I put my feet on her so she could be sure of me and then she sighed and slept. I also noticed last night that every time I moved, she would move to make sure she was touching me.

Poor Talu. I am never leaving her for that long again. Do you hear me, my mother’s evil dog? You’re gonna have to tolerate Talu. And you DO have a lard arse. That Talu will kick.

Anyway, before I forget, tomorrow night at 7:00 my time (Eastern) is book club. We supposedly read Water for Elephants. Be there or be large and gray.

Since I finally have my camera hookup thingy, I can show you some pictures from our trip, not the least of which is the pretty and luxurious motel we stayed in that first night on the way to Michigan.

Lookout

You have to hand it to them. They tried to liven up the room a little, so you thought of killing yourself a little less. This room looked like every motel room Jeff Bridges stayed in in Crazy Hearts. And will everyone stop telling me they haven’t seen that yet? Could you just GO to a good movie, please?

Anyway, there is Marv, looking at what is supposed to be the English countryside, I would guess. How disappointing to turn back to the room, which is the Ohio expressway side.

  Winder

Naturally, they also had sort of a Greek or maybe even Italian window on the other side of the room. What would you say it was? I mean, other than tacky and ludicrous? Here I am trying to jump.

Ow

This truly encapsulates my feelings about the room. Stabbed through the heart, and Marv’s to blame. You give motels a bad name.

Also too, there were many photos from the past bandied about, because at the funeral they had big displays of Uncle Jim. I took pictures of photos, which is I’m sure something Dooce does in her blog a lot. Also, I’d like to mention that I’m expecting Washington DC to call me to speak soon. Did you see Dooce got to speak in DC this week? Did I mention she probably did not tell anyone to wear a Mayor McCheese head? Did I mention she was valedictorian of her high school and I graduated with a 1.7?

Leroy
Here is my hot Uncle Jim as a youngster in front of Gramma’s house, and LeRoy. I wish I could tell you how much we all loved LeRoy. This dog was so cool. The reason I am showing you this photo is for some reason something about LeRoy reminds me of Talu. Marvin didn’t see it, but I don’t know. The size? The face shape? I might be the only person here who listens to the pet psychic on satellite radio, but she says our beloved pets revisit us in life, and I thought, I wonder if LeRoy revisited me as Tallulah?

When I say stuff like that, Marvin kind of hates me.

At any rate, LeRoy bit Jim’s toddler son (AFTER PULLING LEROY’S TAIL) in the face, and Gramma insisted that LeRoy be put to sleep, which caused a few of us in the family to suggest maybe the toddler be put down instead, but the kid won out over the dog, and this week I once again thanked my now-32-year-old-cousin for killing my beloved LeRoy. Then I bit him in the face.

Ustabcute

 I know this is blurry, and did I mention Dooce’s crystal-clear photos and trip to Washington? My cousin the baiter/killer of dogs is the kid in the Jets shirt, and I am of course the big kid in the front. I am always the OLD kid, and everyone else gets to be young and cute and annoying. I am only showing you this picture because HOW HOT WAS I? Also, am jamming out to my Adidas.

Everyone in my family kept saying, “Your legs are still nice, June.” Okay, yeah. For the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman. LOOK how cute. No wonder I went around in those Freddie Mercury short-shorts.

Am never eating again. Until I look 16. If I stop eating I will not look 16, will I? I will just look like Cloris Leachman.

Okay, I have to go. Am meeting Other June at Starbucks where I am certain I will not have some sort of pastry or anything, and then we are headed to the farmers market, which if you recall, I am the only person who buys processed food at the farmers market. Lettuce, schmettuce. Where are the crackers and cheese spread?

See you tomorrow at 7 for book club. Oh, and I will check in in the a.m. to award comment of the week. Smell ya.



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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

34 thoughts on “All day I dream about sulphites”

  1. I didn’t know you shared clothing with Freddy! How cool were you!
    Enjoy the market, hope you are taking Talu with you or heavens knows what kind of mess you will be in when you get home.
    Oh wait, Probably should take Marv with you as well.

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  2. Haha! I read that whole thing thinking “what in the heck does that title even mean?” And then I got it. Oh, you are so CLEVAH! (I said “clevah” instead of “clever” to avoid confusion with the other-other June. You know. Ward’s wife? Nevah mind.)
    D.C. does not know what it (he? she? they?) is (are?) missing!

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  3. I keep a picture of myself on my desk. 18 years old in a bikini. It’s supposed to be motivating. But, really it just depresses me and causes me to shove more chocolate chip cookie dough in my pie hole.
    Those are some legs, sister!!! You should frame that and be proud! Your poor cousin. Does he suffer from any emotional issues having to live with the fact that a dog bit him in the face and you taunt him as a dog killer?
    And that motel artwork is simply astounding in its bad. Do you think perhaps Carin was the mural artist? Did the artwork inspire Marvin to make his move?
    I do have to say, in that one pic, you look like you’re licking the lampshade. For a second there, I thought Marvin’s insistence on bad hotels had caused to you to jump off the brink. Glad to see you were just getting stabbed.

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  4. Poor Talu! Great thinking to keep your tootsies on her for reassurance. It’s worth a little doggie fight club to keep her happy on the next trip.
    In January I was hospitalized for 5 days, then sent to PT rehab for 7 days. When I returned home my little dog whined for 30 minutes straight. I thought we were going to need ear plugs! Dogs are great companions.

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  5. Oh, on a side note…, I read Water for Elephants. It was an excellent book. I have really, really been looking forward to book club. Unfortunately, tomorrow is Easter and I will be at my brother’s house celebrating with my family. I will be with you in spirit.

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  6. I googled Cloris Leachman to make sure I did not make a Golden girls reference, and it turns out she was Miss Chicago in 1946 and it gives her measurements. Do you think she keeps that photo on her desk?
    I bet her legs were not as nice as yours June. Thouogh I don’t think I am allowed to look at a 16 year old like that.

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  7. Hulk (Who is trying to inject sports into all his comments, just like he wrote all sports stories for the school paper-Hi Chief!) says:

    I can’t believe your cousin is married to an ex-New York Giants kicker.

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  8. You really have a sort of Rapunzel look gazing out on the Italian countryside. Maybe if you hair was longer, maybe it is, in a contracted curly sort of way.

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  9. We left Isabelle for 10 days in February….that poor thing never knew what hit her. Then when we took her back to have her groomed there (it’s in a lady’s house and she had run of the house) and she shook like a leaf.

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  10. I have to agree with Lisa – did the cats not care you were gone? Duh – of course they didn’t – they’re cats!
    Leia is just like Talu about doggie day care. She LOVES herself a play day but she is soooo excited when we pick her up, it’s like she was exiled there for a lifetime. She always wants to be somewhere she’s not. It’s a dog thing.
    Didn’t read Water for Elephants for your book club. Didn’t read it when we had it in my book club either. Basically, I am a book club fail. And I didn’t get your title either. What is wrong with me?

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  11. “…back when we liked each other…” Heeeee!
    I didn’t read Water for Elephants (I can’t underline/italicize, wtf) so I will have to be large and gray.
    And I haven’t seen “Crazy Hearts”.

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  12. “…back when we liked each other…” Heeeee!
    I didn’t read Water for Elephants (I can’t underline/italicize, wtf) so I will have to be large and gray.
    And I haven’t seen “Crazy Hearts”.

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  13. “…back when we liked each other…” Heeeee!
    I didn’t read Water for Elephants (I can’t underline/italicize, wtf) so I will have to be large and gray.
    And I haven’t seen “Crazy Hearts”.

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  14. Did you stay at The Knight’s Inn? Did you ever stay at one of those? Are they still around?
    They used to have purple and red carpet and the bed linens were purple and red. Very …swank. It seems like we were always staying at a Knight’s Inn when we would travel down I-75 from Detroit to Atlanta. Why? Gross.
    But those “paintings” on the walls are exactly something they would have “decorated” with. And, yes, all the air-quotes are absolutely necessary in that last sentence.
    Glad you’re home!
    P.S. TALU!

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  15. Mary, the first letter of each word in the title spells out ADIDAS, the sneaks that our hot Junie was sporting in the photo.
    The saying we all grew up with in Michigan was “All Day I Dream About Sex.”
    So clever, we Michiganders!
    Those legs! MAN. It’s probably good my parents moved us away when we were young. I remember feeling like a moose around you even as a child. As a teen? I would have been miserable what with your long, flowing hair, your long, skinny legs and your overall hotness.
    As a teen, I was a bit on the roly-poly side (as I am now). BOOO HOOOOOO!

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  16. Cloris Leachman! That kills me. It’s true – I finally got down to my pre-pregnancy (6 kids ago) weight a few years ago, and I looked nothing like the person who used to be that weight. Everything was in different places and weird.
    Getting older sucks.

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  17. Geeze, judging by the cacophony that greets me at the door, I’d say dogs are pretty stressed when one of their pack is missing. But I have to say, my little cat Myshkin was so attached that she would look as if she were going to pass out upon my return. And I had only been to get the mail.
    That renaissance hotel fair you visited looks like a hot mess. HUZZAH! Wait. Was that what Marvin said when he made his move?

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  18. Geeze, judging by the cacophony that greets me at the door, I’d say dogs are pretty stressed when one of their pack is missing. But I have to say, my little cat Myshkin was so attached that she would look as if she were going to pass out upon my return. And I had only been to get the mail.
    That renaissance hotel fair you visited looks like a hot mess. HUZZAH! Wait. Was that what Marvin said when he made his move?

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  19. Geeze, judging by the cacophony that greets me at the door, I’d say dogs are pretty stressed when one of their pack is missing. But I have to say, my little cat Myshkin was so attached that she would look as if she were going to pass out upon my return. And I had only been to get the mail.
    That renaissance hotel fair you visited looks like a hot mess. HUZZAH! Wait. Was that what Marvin said when he made his move?

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  20. Leroy looks like a german shorthaired pointer…
    That motel looks like a bad 70s house. I don’t understand wall murals at all. They alway seem to look tacky.

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  21. Really? Leroy was a breed? Now I have to Google him. He was a magical dog. I am just telling you. There was something about him. Stupid cousin, placing his face in that innocent dogs teeth like that.

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  22. Yeah, EVERYONE wants to hang out with a former valedictorian. Because former valedictorians are always a laugh riot.
    Thank you Cosmo’s Dad ’cause I was thinking if we Chi’d Junie today her hair would touch her arse. And, of course, the Seinfeld reference is always appreciated.

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  23. Furry, I do agree about getting older. I would not trade myself, blubber and all, with the skinny, splendiforous person I was in my early 20s. I was very, very hot back then, but also very, very troubled.
    Like myself now. Just would like 20 pounds less of myself!
    And, yes…Leroy looked like a Germn short-haired Retriever. We have one in our neighborhood, but she is not a nice doggie.

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  24. Just got back from Abu Dhabi, where apparently, Typepad is taboo. I’m sorry to hear about your Uncle Jim. I liked the white cat story.
    My husband and I have stayed in plenty of hotels just like that one! Funny, they were in Ohio, too.

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