Living your best life. With a cracker.

This morning I woke up thinking I was next to Marvin when in fact I was next to Tallulah.

"Where are you?" I called out.

"I'm on the pot, reading Oprah," said Marvin. "I'm living my best life."

You know, I ask Marvin before I put the things he says on this blog, and believe it or not, sometimes he says no. I know you must be dying to know what he censors, since I have now featured Marvin on the toilet several times, and really, what could be worse?

In other news, I got a migraine from a cracker yesterday.

I have been keeping a migraine diary, something they tell you to do, and which I have refused to do, since it seems depressing. Almost as depressing as that 10th-grade diary I have shared with you time and again. I mean, Dear Diary, I have a migraine. Dear Diary, Guess what! Migraine! There's a stimulating diary.

But I am desperate, Lovey Heart, and so I have been writing down, in an appropriately depressing black diary, every time I get a migraine, and I am happy to say that 12 whole days have passed between headaches, which for me is good. I write down what I ate, how I slept, what time the headache started, and really when I die I am certain my relatives will be riveted to the whole thing. "This goes in the trash pile. Next!"

One thing I have learned for sure–what I know for sure, as Oprah on the pot would say–is that MSG gives me a migraine every time. Totally. For sure.

So there I was yesterday, eatin' me some Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits. And I like how they add "cracked" pepper, to make it seem fancier. Isn't all pepper cracked? I mean, how else does it get small?

And man, those crackers are good. And according to the box, good for your heart. If you ignore the part where your head will split open a half hour after you eat them, they're great for you!

When the headache set in, which thanks to my Topamax, was not that bad of a headache, but it was unmistakably there, I stampeded to the ingredients and there was maltodextrin, which is a sneaky kind of MSG.


Anyway, I slept for awhile, and I had plans last night and was still able to show up for said plans, so it wasn't all bad, but stupid cracker. Is all I can say.

Well. Apparently I can say quite a bit. But it's ONE of the things I can say.

And since I continue to say things, I leave you with this exciting development:


 Does Henry look like he might be (I am afraid to say it) …growing?

64 thoughts on “Living your best life. With a cracker.

  1. Hulk (Who is WAY late for bed thanks to the THIRD STRAIGHT LOONS GAME HE WENT TO AND WATCHED THEM LOSE...) says:

    “Jimmy cracked pepper, and Hulk don’t care…”


  2. Oh, June, I just had to tell you! I read this yesterday and got the “best life” comment right as a call came. Long story short, I snorted and then choked while trying to stifle the laughter and ended up making Mrs. Litella really angry. I really need to stop reading you until break. Hilarious!!


  3. I’m a long time reader, first time commenter. I have found that cutting out all artificial sweeteners and all transformed protein (soy isolates, etc.) has reduced the number of migraines that I have significantly. The good/bad part of of this is that those two categories of crackers are in most crackers, cookies, chips, and most foods that normal people eat. Just passing this on since it worked for me. And for all those years, I blamed red wine and balsamic vinegar . . .
    Good luck.


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