I am berserk, June's stupid life

YOU’RE GOOD

Yesterday we were getting ready our fun-filled afternoon at Marty Martin's house.

Fun

Because what's more fun than spending the afternoon with this guy?

And Marvin ran out to get a bottle of wine, because from the looks of things above, he desperately needed one. Anyway, I was putting on some mascara, or mascaaaaara, as they say it in that Rimmel London commercial, and I could not get it to look right on my bottom lashes. It wouldn't go on right. Thirty years I've been putting on mascara, mascaaaaara, I've never had this problem.

This was when I noticed I was missing some bottom eyelashes.

I WAS MISSING SOME BOTTOM EYELASHES!

Like, a big CHUNK out the middle was gone. It looked like Alfalfa's part.

Lash

Can you see? In the middle there? Lashes are missing! MISSING!

Lash

Here. I pointed it out for you. I also added some eyeliner, just for yucks. I cannot resist that Paint program. Do you like that one crazy old man eyebrow I got up there?

So, naturally I dashed over to Google to see what was wrong with me, and by the time Marvin came home with an entire grocery bag of stuff, because God forbid he ever just go to the store quickly even though we are supposed to be somewhere, I met him halfway across the lawn.

"Okay, I'm trying not to freak out," I said.

Marvin got that look he gets when I get freaked out.

"What," said Marvin. Have I mentioned he should really work at one of those 24-hour crisis lines?

"I am missing some of my bottom eyelashes. Look!" I leaned in.

"Oh, you are n–Oh, wow, you really are," he said.

"I KNOW!" I said, getting shrill. "I Googled it–"

"Of course you did," said Marvin. I am not supposed to Google symptoms anymore.

"I Googled it," I began again, "and it could be this really rare stroke thing, where your face gets frozen, and parts of your face turn white, and fall off. Is any of my face getting white?"

I turned my face this way and that.

Marvin hoisted his groceries and did the thing he always does when I get this way. "YOU'RE GOOD," he said, and went into the house.

Okay, but here is the thing.

One day I might be 87. I mean I doubt it, because my face is about to fall off in white chunks and how long can you live through that? But if I do survive this (and by the way, now it is starting to hurt. I keep wishing I had a teesy ice pack, for just under my eye. Or maybe a tiny prescription for Vicodin or Oxycontin or something. Just a small one. But you may be surprised to hear that my doctor is kind of sick of me), the thing is, one day when I am 87, and Marvin is 86, (yes, I know, cougar alert!) we will be pushing our walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom through the Denny's parking lot and I will say, "I feel a case of deep vein thrombosis coming on" and Marvin will say:

"YOU'RE GOOD!"

and I WON'T be good, because I'm 87, and something REALLY WILL be wrong and he won't take me seriously and that will be the end. At the Denny's, there.

So I think Marvin should take each.one. of these cases very seriously because you never know when it will be the one. Is what I think.

Oh, and Google said this could also be allergies, and that is why people lose their eyelashes on the bottom. And when we were at Marty Martin's

Doggie

and we were sitting on his deck with his cute girlfriend Kaye and his cute cute cute doggie and all the pollen and such, I did notice that I kept wiping my eyes. And no one said, "Hey, June, parts of your face are falling off." So maybe that is why I am losing my eyelashes at such an alarming rate.

Do you think I should send off for some Latisse? Should I have engaged Marty Martin in a jerky little dance?

I'll write tomorrow. MAYBE.

70 thoughts on “YOU’RE GOOD”

  1. So, I’m late to the party again. But as I was eating an asparagus omelet and reading your post I thought you asked if you should send for Lassie. And I say yes, definitely you should.

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  2. I wish you had the ability to post comments about comments directly below the specific comments on this blog – so we could all decide to follow the same thread or not (I almost wrote “threat” here instead of thread).

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  3. Please just stop…oh hell… red wine…laughter spewing, or is that nose spraying…Let us please respect the relationship that June and Marvin have… awww heck mayonaise (secret code word), Bjork (secret code word), strawberry shortcake (secret code word), lets paint the house (secret code word). June and Marv are having children…. at mid 40’s Momma… oh my gosh… am I delusional?

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  4. Did Marvin, who looks like he needs more fiber in his diet in that picture, bring back wine or did he bring back mayonnaise?

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  5. Did Marvin, who looks like he needs more fiber in his diet in that picture, bring back wine or did he bring back mayonnaise?

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  6. Did Marvin, who looks like he needs more fiber in his diet in that picture, bring back wine or did he bring back mayonnaise?

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  7. June, I also lose lashes on my upper and lower lids. They would sometimes fall out 3, 4, or 5 at a time, leaving gaps. It never occurred to me to worry about it. That might be stranger than you Googling it.
    Boy, this post made me think hard today.

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  8. Hey, thanks for the “holler out.” The interview went quite well. And, in keeping with today’s degredation in comments, I didn’t make one misstep…I worried about making some boner comment.
    And, thanks for telling Aunt Kathy about missing eyelashes. Anna’s worried that something is wrong with Grandma…why are her eyelashes falling out? YEEGADS!!!! It’s familial!

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  9. If you guys have not read Joann’s blog today, you HAVE to go there. I about died. I can’t wait for the next installment.

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  10. Hi Gang!
    I’m back from my non-skiing, ski vacation and I have missed all of you.
    How fun to get back on the day we speak of erections and maxi pads.
    June, I have had every disease known to man thanks to my dear hypochondriac enabling friend, Google.
    I think you definitely lose a few lashes the older you get. I’ve always had long eyelashes but without mascara, they were invisible. I am blonde, so everything has to be filled in on me. Lately, I’ve been noticing they’re getting a might patchy. My eyebrows started falling out a long time ago, so pretty soon everything on me will be an artist’s rendition.

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  11. I see the 10% male readership has surfaced with gusto. Yesterday they hid for maxi pads, today they’ve popped up for erections. bwwwwahahahaha

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  12. Marvin, you have to let June buy Talkia. $29.50 on Amazon. It’s officially a Make June Do It.

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  13. Pssst, June. I’m buying a product called Talika Lipocils, it’s supposed to be pretty good (available on Amazon & Sephora). Apply 2x a day for a month. Talika Lipocils. Remember that name and pass it on.

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  14. Hey, Hey, HEY!!
    Let’s leave the erection studies alone, okay??

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  15. June! I have a very similar problem! Sometimes there are chunks of my top lashes that go missing from the middle. Admittedly, they are pretty small chunks, but large enough that I notice and am paranoid about it all day. I think, though, that it is probably because I use up to three different kinds of mascara at a time and my wimpy little lashes, lovely though they may be, are just not tough enough for the apparently lethal combination.

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  16. June, you are 100% normal in the lower lash department. They shed, you’ll be fine.
    Have you read the warnings with Latisse? DO NOT APPLY to the lower eyelid. May cause increased brown pigmentation of the colored part of the eye which is likely to be permanent. It is possible for hair growth to occur in other areas of your skin that LATISSE® frequently touches. I am skeered. Please say it isn’t true, oo-oooh…

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  17. Bored here at work, so I too Googled “missing bottom eyelashes”. Here’s what it could be, and my translation of the Latin:
    Alopecia Totalis–You are totally nuts
    Blepharitis–Blech! You’ve got eye boogers!
    Seborrhiec Blepharitis–Blech! They are under BOTH eyes!
    Ichthyosis–You think you flew too close to the sun and burned them off
    Leprosy–probably oughta get THAT checked…

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  18. June, how do you not have any wrinkles? I need your secret. I’m 33 with crows feet like my grandmother.
    Try being a hypochondriac and pregnant! My husband acts just like Marvin. He always says, “Have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?” I guess I should try to be a little less dramatic or he may not believe me when I tell him I’m in labor.

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  19. I am dying over the jerky dance thing Cosmos Dad said. I mean, not literally dying so that I have to Google it. Oh, and my Uncle Bill is in a job interview as we speak so everyone cross their fingers. Oh, and starting to look like Brad Pitt! teeeeeeeee!

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  20. Oh dear. I Google symptoms also. The moment I begin to feel the slightest arm or chest pain, I declare it to be “THE BIG ONE”. No one takes me seriously either. I wonder why?
    I was at a BBQ Saturday night and there were the most precious dogs there. One was a sweet pit bull mix named Bernard. Bernard is six months old and I wanted to take him home with me. Bringing another dog home would have been a death sentence for me. Oh well.

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  21. I think you actually took that picture of Marv right after you told him you Googled “missing bottom eyelashes”. That’s the look I had when I read that…
    And when are we too old to have “girlfriends”? When I say that about Bjork, it seems weird and kinda creepy…

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  22. Oh damn, I was going to comment on those crazy eyebrows too! Darn d-lou!! haha I laughed so hard this morning, I shook my computer monitor. We LOVE you because you are such a head case and Marvin is well………Marvin. The mental picture of you pushing your walkers with tennis balls on them, was just too much. Note to self……don’t be drinking any liquids while reading the current blog………Seriously though-those eyebrows girlfriend!

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  23. Oh damn, I was going to comment on those crazy eyebrows too! Darn d-lou!! haha I laughed so hard this morning, I shook my computer monitor. We LOVE you because you are such a head case and Marvin is well………Marvin. The mental picture of you pushing your walkers with tennis balls on them, was just too much. Note to self……don’t be drinking any liquids while reading the current blog………Seriously though-those eyebrows girlfriend!

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  24. Oh damn, I was going to comment on those crazy eyebrows too! Darn d-lou!! haha I laughed so hard this morning, I shook my computer monitor. We LOVE you because you are such a head case and Marvin is well………Marvin. The mental picture of you pushing your walkers with tennis balls on them, was just too much. Note to self……don’t be drinking any liquids while reading the current blog………Seriously though-those eyebrows girlfriend!

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  25. What is it with those wayward hairs in the brow? It.is.hell.getting.old. Crazy old man hairs in the eyebrow, crazy old man hairs coming out of the chin.
    Keep an eye on them hairs…they tend to take on a life of their own.

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  26. A few years back I spottily lost my upper eyelashes. I bought the false eyelashes that you put on separately. They have about 5 or 6 lashes sprouting from the base like a bouquet. I did this until my own lashes grew back.
    Dawn, I did the only mascaraing the upper lashes for awhile, then my jowls and double chin appeared. Pretty. Now I coat them lashes up to draw all the attention I can to my baby blues!

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  27. i’m totally with you on the jerky dancing. I love a little shuffle with old dried meat.

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  28. I once read that women of a certain age (yes, dear, that means you and me) should only mascaaaaara the top lashes. Supposed to make the eyes pop and not show wrinkles (not that you OR I have any of those, but you know, when we’re 87 we might have one or twenty) I took the advice and now my mascara lasts twice as long. Who knew?

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