Sellout

In our continuing quest to be not so broke, Marvin is outside right now having a yard sale. I think he would literally sell the yard if I would allow it. At six o'clock this morning he started stomping around the house, climbing into the attic, and very unappealingly splaying things on a dirty orange tarp on the front lawn.

Marv

Here is a picture Marvin took of himself and put on Facebook. He is updating his status and the status of his yard sale every 15 seconds, and I figure by the end of the day he will be completely unfriended.

I have to proofread 50 pages today, and there is no way I cannot do so, as I am SO BEHIND on my work. Plus also I am demoralized, because I applied for a freelance job with another textbook place, and they sent me a test, which pretty much every place does when you apply for a proofreading job.

I didn't pass it.

You guys. I have been a proofreader for THIRTEEN YEARS. I do not blame Topamax, although I did initially. I have the test here, because I emailed it in, and naturally I went over it again 850 times because I cannot believe I didn't pass it. I have found some things that MAYBE should have been fixed, but they are really nebulous, and certainly subjective.

I always pass those things like a champ. I always do better than anyone else at those stupid tests.

They emailed me and said, "Thanks for taking our stupid-ass test. We will contact you this afternoon if you passed." I was all, pfft. If I passed. You will email me crying this afternoon. You have never seen such poetry as you have this test.

And I mean, I really found some crap in that test. I found names in the bibliography that weren't in the body of the text. I found references IN the text that weren't in the bibliography. I found a "fortunately" that should have been an "unfortunately." I mean, they threw all sorts of tricks in there other than simple spelling and grammar.

Bastards. I couldn't BELIEVE it when I didn't hear from them. I figured the person who was supposed to email me must have gotten food poisoning or something.

But then I didn't hear from them the next day.

I mean, maybe he DIED from food poisoning.

So I'm just saying, not only do I have to proof 50 pages today, but now I am convinced I have lost my mojo and I have to proof 800 times slower than usual, so I cannot help Marvin with this idea that he came up with at six o'clock this morning. And I have to tell you the part where strangers are in our yard?

Tallulah is really enjoying that part.

I was just trying to talk on the phone with my aunt, because go 50 pages of proofing! And she said, "That dog sounds like a German shepherd." Tallulah has the meanest, deepest bark you have ever heard.

So now I think I have to go to the library, or I will never get my 50 pages done. Because between Nazi Talu and the status updates and my self-doubt and the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY and my Topamax, I am in for a stupid day.

So far we have made $3, though, on the yard sale. And Talu has pulled two vocal cords.

Comment of the week goes to Duffylou. Click on This Week's Special to see.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

56 thoughts on “Sellout”

  1. Happy some checks came in for you today! Whoo, hoo!!
    On a totally unrelated note, I thought of you while watching Marilyn Monroe … I mean, Jennifer Lopez, singing Happy Birthday to George Lopez. You think Pamela Anderson is off her rockers for thinking she could be a Bond Girl … wow. JLo clearly has her beat for delusions.
    Seriously. If you need a break today go watch that video. Yikes.

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  2. When I sped-read that, I thought you said you got a check for $39 dollars and I thought what, did you proofread a paragraph for someone?
    I hope your checks were for significantly more than $39.

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  3. June! FTLOG, you didn’t FAIL the test! You found more stuff than they ever realized they had on the test and they are DYING now. They are EMBARRASSED. Also, HUMILIATED and MORTIFIED and if I hadn’t already brought my Roget’s to the house, they’d be other things too. ABASHED.

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  4. June! FTLOG, you didn’t FAIL the test! You found more stuff than they ever realized they had on the test and they are DYING now. They are EMBARRASSED. Also, HUMILIATED and MORTIFIED and if I hadn’t already brought my Roget’s to the house, they’d be other things too. ABASHED.

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  5. June! FTLOG, you didn’t FAIL the test! You found more stuff than they ever realized they had on the test and they are DYING now. They are EMBARRASSED. Also, HUMILIATED and MORTIFIED and if I hadn’t already brought my Roget’s to the house, they’d be other things too. ABASHED.

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  6. Also, I am throwing out never-worn things, NWT!, so if Marvin wants to have another garage sale, let me know and I will send this crap, um, beautiful merchandise, down to you.

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  7. Also, I am throwing out never-worn things, NWT!, so if Marvin wants to have another garage sale, let me know and I will send this crap, um, beautiful merchandise, down to you.

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  8. Also, I am throwing out never-worn things, NWT!, so if Marvin wants to have another garage sale, let me know and I will send this crap, um, beautiful merchandise, down to you.

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  9. Has Marvin checked your cabinets for any extra spices or condiments that you may have excess of? I hear those do well at junk sales.
    Paula is correct, I think you may have been overqualified for the job. They knew you would demand way more than $39 per paragraph for your work.
    I think Marvin is trying to collect some extra income so he and Talu can get you a Mother’s day present. He is only $6,597 away from that Kelly purse.

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  10. I am completely flummoxed that Marvin could get up at six a.m. and just “Oh, I think I’ll have a yard sale!”. This is something that I would have to plan for weeks, if not MONTHS ahead of time. I sure hope this spur of the moment thing pays off for him. It would throw me into a tizzy. Sorta like Tallulah! I bet she will be in a tizzy all flipping day long with people wandering all over her lawn. Walking. And touching stuff. And walking. Poor Lula!
    Paula H&B, you are moving? Is that right?

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  11. I am completely flummoxed that Marvin could get up at six a.m. and just “Oh, I think I’ll have a yard sale!”. This is something that I would have to plan for weeks, if not MONTHS ahead of time. I sure hope this spur of the moment thing pays off for him. It would throw me into a tizzy. Sorta like Tallulah! I bet she will be in a tizzy all flipping day long with people wandering all over her lawn. Walking. And touching stuff. And walking. Poor Lula!
    Paula H&B, you are moving? Is that right?

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  12. I am completely flummoxed that Marvin could get up at six a.m. and just “Oh, I think I’ll have a yard sale!”. This is something that I would have to plan for weeks, if not MONTHS ahead of time. I sure hope this spur of the moment thing pays off for him. It would throw me into a tizzy. Sorta like Tallulah! I bet she will be in a tizzy all flipping day long with people wandering all over her lawn. Walking. And touching stuff. And walking. Poor Lula!
    Paula H&B, you are moving? Is that right?

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  13. I bid $3 on the exercycle. I need another clothes hanger in my basement…

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  14. Lisa Pie, HA! How did you find out I was moving?! I have allowed myself ONE bin for out-of-season clothes. (Ok, so the bin is about the size of a coffin, so what.) So far, said bin is almost full, I have three huge bags of garbage and a pile to donate. Watch for me on Hoarders on A&E! Oh God, I’m kidding, can you imagine? Actually, since cleaning out my parents’ house, I have become RUTHLESS about throwing things away. (No, my mother’s name wasn’t Ruth. Heeee.)
    Sorry June. I hijacked your comments. AGAIN.

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  15. Lisa Pie, HA! How did you find out I was moving?! I have allowed myself ONE bin for out-of-season clothes. (Ok, so the bin is about the size of a coffin, so what.) So far, said bin is almost full, I have three huge bags of garbage and a pile to donate. Watch for me on Hoarders on A&E! Oh God, I’m kidding, can you imagine? Actually, since cleaning out my parents’ house, I have become RUTHLESS about throwing things away. (No, my mother’s name wasn’t Ruth. Heeee.)
    Sorry June. I hijacked your comments. AGAIN.

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  16. Lisa Pie, HA! How did you find out I was moving?! I have allowed myself ONE bin for out-of-season clothes. (Ok, so the bin is about the size of a coffin, so what.) So far, said bin is almost full, I have three huge bags of garbage and a pile to donate. Watch for me on Hoarders on A&E! Oh God, I’m kidding, can you imagine? Actually, since cleaning out my parents’ house, I have become RUTHLESS about throwing things away. (No, my mother’s name wasn’t Ruth. Heeee.)
    Sorry June. I hijacked your comments. AGAIN.

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  17. Hey to clarify something from this morning’s comments from your Bond girl post, I seriously thought Halle Berry was a bond girl in her 40’s. When you guys said not, I looked it up. I cannot believe it was 2002 when she was in that movie. I feel like I just awoke from a coma or something. Wow.
    I knew Demi wasn’t a Bond girl, but she was in a bathing suit for that high quality Charlie’s Angels movie. She is older than Pamela, but I am scared to look up when that movie was.
    Whew, it was 2008. She was in her 40’s.

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  18. What a good mailman!
    Sorry you failed your test. I type up construction contracts using a program that I could do blindfolded and made a crap ton of mistakes a few weeks ago. I felt like the stupidest person in the world. It’s okay.

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  19. I’m with Paula(who evidently may be moving); you didn’t fail the test until they say you failed the test. The person hasn’t emailed you because he’s been fired for making so many unintentional mistakes on the test, and that is why you haven’t been emailed.
    I rarely use the term “typical man”, but deciding to have a garage sale at six a.m. on the day of the sale is really a man thing to do.

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  20. There’s a blogger who is getting a divorce and she has a Paypal button on her blog to donate $$ to help her move! You could do that for proofing blogposts and comments (like this one)…1/2 price since you failed your test OR just donations to help pay for Topamax OR $$ money for your own upcoming divorce. I hope this helps, June. 😦

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  21. Demi Moore has had like one million dollars worth of plastic surgery, so she doesn’t count.
    I’m with everyone else. You shouldn’t worry, the test grader is probably too busy planning and holding a garage sale.
    We held a garage sale when we moved into the house we live in now. It was the year of the constant hurricanes here in Florida. We made a paltry 40 bucks, because every ding dang kid who tried to buy something, my husband would just give it to them for free. Pretty soon, the garage sale hotline got ahold of that news, and everybody was marching their kid up to pay.
    Then, since the storm was brewing, everybody quit garage sale shopping early and we had all this junk and we loaded it up in our car and took it to the thrift store. They were already closed thanks to the hurricane.
    Then the hurricane came through and nearly blew the town down and nothing was open except for Walmart, because Armageddon will come and Walmart will still be open, and so we had all this garage sale junk in our car for a week. We also had no electricity for 2 weeks and lots of other hurricane woes. It was a miserable time, my friends.
    Good Luck, June.

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  22. Demi Moore has had like one million dollars worth of plastic surgery, so she doesn’t count.
    I’m with everyone else. You shouldn’t worry, the test grader is probably too busy planning and holding a garage sale.
    We held a garage sale when we moved into the house we live in now. It was the year of the constant hurricanes here in Florida. We made a paltry 40 bucks, because every ding dang kid who tried to buy something, my husband would just give it to them for free. Pretty soon, the garage sale hotline got ahold of that news, and everybody was marching their kid up to pay.
    Then, since the storm was brewing, everybody quit garage sale shopping early and we had all this junk and we loaded it up in our car and took it to the thrift store. They were already closed thanks to the hurricane.
    Then the hurricane came through and nearly blew the town down and nothing was open except for Walmart, because Armageddon will come and Walmart will still be open, and so we had all this garage sale junk in our car for a week. We also had no electricity for 2 weeks and lots of other hurricane woes. It was a miserable time, my friends.
    Good Luck, June.

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  23. Demi Moore has had like one million dollars worth of plastic surgery, so she doesn’t count.
    I’m with everyone else. You shouldn’t worry, the test grader is probably too busy planning and holding a garage sale.
    We held a garage sale when we moved into the house we live in now. It was the year of the constant hurricanes here in Florida. We made a paltry 40 bucks, because every ding dang kid who tried to buy something, my husband would just give it to them for free. Pretty soon, the garage sale hotline got ahold of that news, and everybody was marching their kid up to pay.
    Then, since the storm was brewing, everybody quit garage sale shopping early and we had all this junk and we loaded it up in our car and took it to the thrift store. They were already closed thanks to the hurricane.
    Then the hurricane came through and nearly blew the town down and nothing was open except for Walmart, because Armageddon will come and Walmart will still be open, and so we had all this garage sale junk in our car for a week. We also had no electricity for 2 weeks and lots of other hurricane woes. It was a miserable time, my friends.
    Good Luck, June.

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  24. Pioneer Woman, whom I am SO over, btw, has Eggs Benedict on her blog today BUT she does not know the Furry Godmother Pickle Juice Trick! HA!
    Furry G: 1
    P Woman: 0

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  25. Pioneer Woman, whom I am SO over, btw, has Eggs Benedict on her blog today BUT she does not know the Furry Godmother Pickle Juice Trick! HA!
    Furry G: 1
    P Woman: 0

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  26. Pioneer Woman, whom I am SO over, btw, has Eggs Benedict on her blog today BUT she does not know the Furry Godmother Pickle Juice Trick! HA!
    Furry G: 1
    P Woman: 0

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  27. Nice, Paula H & B! I’m over PW, as well. For a while I was mesmerized, but then it just sorta gets repetitive or something. Not like our friend Junie over here who NEVER fails to be entertaining. She may fail a test, but NEVER fails with the funny.
    Sorry about the test, June.
    And, nice hijack Joann! Sorry about those hurricane woes. Sounds like a nasty time for you.

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  28. I was out of town for a few days and saw a horrible grammatical error on a McDonalds sign in Blue Ridge, GA. It read “$1 Chicken Sandwiches everyday” and I was all screaming “June says NO!” in my head because the people in the car with me would have probably bought my ticket to the nuthouse at that point.
    Did Talu’s collar arrive?

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  29. Thanks you June for awarding me comment of the week. I feel very honored.
    I know you are a brilliant person, so I’m sure you already checked your junk folder to see if their email would have mistakenly been delivered there. And from past experience I am assuming you sent your personally written thank you note.
    Do you think a stealth call to the switchboard of the company asking for this person would yield any results?

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  30. I picture it now Sophia said (dreamy fade out all kind of blurry and swirly) “who will star as Furry-G” (dreamy fade in all kind of swirly in reverse). By the way will there be a scene at the beach when you come out of the water all drippy wet…(for Paula H/B) that will get all of us adolecent boys uppity…..

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  31. Man, I hate me some garbage sales. I’d rather have a root canal than argue with strangers over a quarter. Good luck wit dat, Marv.
    Kim Bassinger has agreed to play Furry in the movie; Steve Spielberg will be playing me. We are like twin brothers. When he showed up on the AARP mag a few years back, I asked Furry when I posed for the photo. Pity I don’t look like George Clooney.

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  32. I love to stumble on a throw down sale like Marv’s. Deals to be had, especially when it’s unsupervised. I used to know several mail peeps that had flea market booths, turning treasures they scouted on the route.

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  33. Weird coincidence: I started working for the Census Bureau last week (so, so many potential posts there, but I am afraid someone will disappear me if I write them) and yesterday I took a supervisor test. I was so sure that I aced it, but fortunately I kept my smugness mostly inside my head because I made an 87. I HATE not making 100.
    I am with Paula in your case, though. They are embarrassed that you found so many errors no one ever found before.

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  34. I too climbed aboard the Topamax Train. Woo woo! Of course you wouldn’t have sent a thank you for an interview you haven’t had yet!
    I think I should have 15 minute cool down period between the time I think of something to say and the time I actually type it and hit “post”. This should be called the Topamax Time Out.

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  35. Did you ever go, Junie? ‘Cause i am suffering from the frakin’ PINKEYE and can’t see the shizzle for it…
    I’m missin’ a lot is what I’m puttin’ down if you’re pickin’ it up…

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  36. Paula and Joanne, nice work with the blog today. I’m so glad you can keep things moving along so that June can GO TO THE LIBRARY.
    Also, last minute yard sale? Amateur. Marvin, please tell me you at least posted that bad boy on Craigslist.

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