One pill makes you larger

I thought I'd better hurry up and post, in case you were worried sick that I didn't live through the night. I barely made it.

And you know I hate to complain. Or malinger.

But who stuck the plastic cocktail swords through my throat? And why?

It has probably been a decade since I have had an official cocktail with a plastic sword, but do they still give you those? With the orange and the cherry all folded up? Because that was delicious.

Not that I could eat it now, what with the SEARING PAIN inside my throat parts. And no, I don't have strep. Have you met me? Of course I checked my throat. I have already been down my throat with a mirror and Marvin's giant flashlight that he keeps next to the bed to beat burglars.

Last night I took some Robitussin, and what happened to Robitussin? It used to be so delicious. And cherry-y. They changed the flavor or something. It tasted kind of like watermelon, which is not a flavor I want to taste, ever, not even when I am eating watermelon. Am not really a fan of the watermelon.

Although one time my friend Karina and I went to an all-day yoga retreat and at the end they gave us watermelon chunks and somehow it was just the thing. But I think it had more to do with the part where I had sweated out my entire body weight and I looked like one of those California raisins at that juncture.

Anyway, I bought alcohol-free Robitussin, and perhaps that was my problem. Maybe they messed with the flavor. But what does taking the alcohol out have to do with taking the cherry flavor out?

Also, the box says it's a cough suppressant and a cough expectorant. How can it be both? Was my body duking it out all night? Bring it up! Keep it down!

I have to be careful about what I take, because you know how the rest of you can pop a, say, Benadryl or NyQuil, or God forbid a Contac (do they even make Contac anymore?) and go on with your day?

Yeah.

I take one of those, and in 10 minutes I have ripped off my clothes, painted florescent 7s all over my body, and begun slithering on my stomach through the neighborhood. And speaking Russian.

Oh, I used to like that commercial for Contac. Remember, they'd open up the capsule and all those pretty colors inside the pill would come out? Pink, orange, and white? Even thinking of it I start to feel like I'm at Woodstock, gyrating with my eyes closed. Where's my unsanitary pink blanket to wrap up in?

And my college housemates used to wonder why I didn't want to take mushrooms with them. I mean, just give me one shot of NyQuil and I would have wandered off for six months.

I am not good with the drugs, is what I am saying to you.

I did manage to proofread a lot yesterday, and my pets were content to stay on the couch with me.

Kitties

I like how cats kind of always act like they have the flu. Sleeping and lying on the couch for 16 hours? We are down with that.

Tallulah literally laid on top of me for most of the day. I did not take photos of that, because that would have been impossible. But she is a good and faithful cur.

Bug

Every once in awhile there was the mild fisticuff, but mostly everyone let me work and doze.

It looks like more of the same today: work, Robitussin, ache, sleep. I have a big day ahead of me. I hope the animals are prepared.

92 thoughts on “One pill makes you larger

  1. Zelda… lol much better word than Zumba,I think. I’m not sure I could move that fast if I had angry bees on crack chasing me. I have this concoction I give my boys when they are mucousy and sore throaty. I get a coffee cup, put enough honey to coat the bottom of the cup, lemon juice, apple cider vinegar, and a bit of cayenne pepper, then add hot water. It tastes like sour hot wings; but it does the trick. Thins their mucous and helps them sleep instead of cough cough cough. But then, you sometimes get it coming out the other end as the mucous has to go somewhere. I prefer it drain in my stomach than cough it up. But maybe that’s just me.

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  2. Dad (that sounds weird), I thought you were saying that women on medication think a man’s penis is three times longer than his thumb. That would have explained why Marvin would choose certain such times to make his move.
    Remember the old cartoons when the character would hit their thumb with a hammer and it would boing out to the size of their head? Similar concept.

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  3. Gentleman…please refrain from using a hammer to “boing” anything.
    Marvin? let’s not hear about you and the boing.
    June, you are not dying, you are just blinking really fast.

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  4. In response to all this man/husband bashing-JOANN!-I give you:
    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Perth City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the floors. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”
    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
    “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor anyway, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

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  5. Paula H&B, was disappointed with morphine and who can take an admirable assortment/quantity of otc drugs and continue to function says:

    OMG JUNE, you KILL me.
    Misti! You’re pregnant! Congratulations! I always find news like that to be so MOVING.
    I am not a fan of any of the melons, but feh, watermelon is the worst. The texture, the pits, the dripping, ugh. And what’s with the stupid pricing? Every other melon is priced per melon; the watermelon is priced (for pennies) per pound. WTF, Watermelon?
    (And while we’re in the produce aisle: grapefruit. I am convinced that grapefruit’s original name was Blech because that’s what everyone says when they first taste it. But the name had to be changed for marketing reasons.)

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  6. Paula H&B, was disappointed with morphine and who can take an admirable assortment/quantity of otc drugs and continue to function says:

    OMG JUNE, you KILL me.
    Misti! You’re pregnant! Congratulations! I always find news like that to be so MOVING.
    I am not a fan of any of the melons, but feh, watermelon is the worst. The texture, the pits, the dripping, ugh. And what’s with the stupid pricing? Every other melon is priced per melon; the watermelon is priced (for pennies) per pound. WTF, Watermelon?
    (And while we’re in the produce aisle: grapefruit. I am convinced that grapefruit’s original name was Blech because that’s what everyone says when they first taste it. But the name had to be changed for marketing reasons.)

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  7. Paula H&B, was disappointed with morphine and who can take an admirable assortment/quantity of otc drugs and continue to function says:

    OMG JUNE, you KILL me.
    Misti! You’re pregnant! Congratulations! I always find news like that to be so MOVING.
    I am not a fan of any of the melons, but feh, watermelon is the worst. The texture, the pits, the dripping, ugh. And what’s with the stupid pricing? Every other melon is priced per melon; the watermelon is priced (for pennies) per pound. WTF, Watermelon?
    (And while we’re in the produce aisle: grapefruit. I am convinced that grapefruit’s original name was Blech because that’s what everyone says when they first taste it. But the name had to be changed for marketing reasons.)

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  8. June, I love to use NyQuil….nighty night.
    I saw your comment about Hen’s hinder. It gets better. Paisley had the same problem. I would even wipe her down with baby wipes.
    No way in hell would Hailey go near Paisley’s butt to help her in the hygiene department although it sure gets her goat when Paisley takes a little wiff. Paisley has matured, gained weight and no longer has a smelly butt. Maybe when they were in the shelter they didn’t participate in the hygiene classes? Love Hen and Talu!

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  9. Cosmo’s Dad, not only are you hee-hee-sterical this week, methinks you might also be a mite horny. Hmmm?
    And Hulkie, if you are referring to my latest post, I highlighted both my husband’s bad AND good qualities. It’s what a blog is for.
    And that is so not true about being impossible to please. Give me a drop dead gorgeous man who is romantic, has a super great job and I don’t mind if he doesn’t do housework. That’s what Mr. French is for. We women are very easy to please. You boys just don’t know the secret code yet.
    Am I the only person on this blog who loves watermelon?

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  10. OK, cut watermelon chunks, it does have to be ripe, FurryG, you know off Forest Hill Irene Extended, that farm stand, big chunks, maybe a little sugar dusted on top, and then put in the freezer, 10-15 min, and then only popped into your mouth, off a fork, or little cocktail swords, for you Junie. And for more fun soak them in vodka.
    Do not ingest the swords…uggh, not good.

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  11. I do love watermelon. I didn’t realize regular Robitussin would make you high. I do know Robitussin DM will, only from monitoring a former employee that was addicted to the stuff and ended up nearly killing himself in a terrible car accident while being bombed on the DM. Personally, I stay away from the drugs, they usually make me sick as a dog or make me crazy, like seeing stuffed dogs come alive that try to attack me. So I avoid Demoral at all cost. I sure hope you feel better.

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  12. Me? I would have to turn in my vast Southern heritage club original membership card that was issued at the ceremony of my birth if I did not lurve me the watermelon and bourbon. Hell, even my dogs love watermelon.
    And bourbon. But I refrain from disbursing that to them, despite the fact that it is not illegal.
    Cosmo’s dad, sugar? Down here we always sprinkle it with salt… Or vodka.

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  13. Me? I would have to turn in my vast Southern heritage club original membership card that was issued at the ceremony of my birth if I did not lurve me the watermelon and bourbon. Hell, even my dogs love watermelon.
    And bourbon. But I refrain from disbursing that to them, despite the fact that it is not illegal.
    Cosmo’s dad, sugar? Down here we always sprinkle it with salt… Or vodka.

    Like

  14. Me? I would have to turn in my vast Southern heritage club original membership card that was issued at the ceremony of my birth if I did not lurve me the watermelon and bourbon. Hell, even my dogs love watermelon.
    And bourbon. But I refrain from disbursing that to them, despite the fact that it is not illegal.
    Cosmo’s dad, sugar? Down here we always sprinkle it with salt… Or vodka.

    Like

  15. goodness gracious sakes… salt, sugar vodka… all in favor say …Hey Junie feel better real soon!!! yee ha

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  16. When I wa a yong woman I had really bad cramps. REALLY BAD! Bad as in vomiting curled on the floor crying bad. We had a local doctor who sold a tincture called Dem Chapels Red Bladder Sedative. That stuff was a little blue bottle of heaven! We found out years later it was morphine in cherry syrup. Like I said…heaven in a bottle

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  17. Y’all, old-school NYQUIL and TYLENOL SINUS/SUDAFED type meds are still available, literally “over the counter” because you must ask for them and sign for them due to the psuedoephedrine. Not everyone carries the old NYQUIL, I was thrilled to find it, though dh would probably swear by the new stuff as well as long as I never told him the difference. He is very suggestible. Also, pour the vodka into the watermelon via a hole cut from the rind, then refrigerate. Makes a great potluck contribution! Converts many a watermelon-disliker.

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  18. Cosmo’s Dad,
    Sorry for being gross 😉 I was trying to be helpful. It happens at times. Maybe it’s a case of TMI~usually is with me.
    Hope you feel better soon, June! (whatever method it takes to get you there)

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  19. Judging by the theme of the guys’ comments, they really took your post title to heart…just saying. Oh and love watermelon, and hope you get better soon June. You are too Good to die young.

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