IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET

Remember in Silence of the Lambs when that poor size-14 girl was at the bottom of that pit, screaming and crying, and the puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin guy was at the top of the pit making fun of her screams?

I have been coughing those terrible coughs where you have to bend over, and then you make that terrible choking sound where you try to gasp for air for a second, and Marvin has been making fun of those coughs. Isn't that awful? He also keeps saying, "Oh, I'm so sick" in a nasally voice.

Also,  it occurs to me that the puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin guy probably gets out more than I do.

That movie was rude, because isn't the average size of women in this country size 14? And they kept continuously referring to size 14 as "big and fat." I remember it. I am certain it made half this country feel delightful. Stupid Hollywood.

When I woke up this morning, getting back to my illness because I am certain you haven't heard enough about it these past few days, everyone was gone from the bed. Everyone. The whole house had deserted me.

I understand cats and husbands deserting me, but my DOG? Isn't the whole point of dogs that they are loyal? Isn't that why you put up with them and the jumping and the shedding and the bark bark barking? The barking, which is louder and deeper than any girl's bark ought to be who isn't transitioning like Chaz Bono?

The barking, which happens when someone walks by, when a stroller strolls by, when God forbid a dog walks past, when another dogs barks anywhere in a 10-mile radius, when anyone THINKS about another dog, when anyone anywhere in the galaxy even SKETCHES a dog in charcoal?

Isn't that why I put up with that? Because in return there is supposed to be this undying love and loyalty?

Did you ever go to Scotland and see that statue of that dog, who sat on his owner's grave for the rest of his dog life? Every day he'd trot down to the cemetery and sit on his owner's stone.

My dog? "Ew. She's mucus-y. Gee, look at the time."

You know who was faithful to me yesterday, of all people?

Fran

About once a quarter, Francis gets off his chair in the back room and goes visiting. He, too, gets sick of not going anywhere like me and the puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin guy. I was working all afternoon on my statistics book, which I mailed off and can't help but think, will it have cold germs on it, still, when it gets to California on Monday?

Anyway, he was my left-hand man all afternoon. And yes, that IS a cyst on his side. Because like me, he just gets sexier.

Despite my near-death status and the part where I keep seeing a tunnel and a light, I am going to try to edge the lawn this afternoon. I have big plans. Also, comment of the week goes to Laurie Who is Not as Witty as Your Other Commentors. That's what she calls herself, but see? She just got comment of the week, so she must be witty after all. Go click on This Week's Special to see.

41 thoughts on “IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET

  1. Aww Frannie! Our cat Mimi (the one who looks like Hen) has a new hobby. She sits at the side of the bed and then reaches up under the covers to grab my bare feet. It is a lovely way to start the day.

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  2. June,
    What is it that turns grown men into 12-year-old boys when we are sick? My husband does the same thing, makes fun of my sickness. Next time he’s down for the count, I’m going to mimic his illness and see how he likes that nonsense. And then I’m going to give him a wedgie. Or a toilet swirly.
    I know, the perceptions of fat in Hollywood drives me crazy. That’s like when Renee Z. (I’m too lazy to look up her last name spelling) had to gain all that weight so she could be fat for Bridget Jones. She fattened up to a size *gasp* 10. I’m surprised she didn’t need a motorized wheelchair to get around. Thank God she’s back down to size emaciated like all the other Hollywood actresses.

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  3. Every time I think about getting Hulkette a cat, I read your post. End of thought.

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  4. Finally! A Francis Appearance! That mustache makes him look like a feline Gomez Addams.
    I’m proud of you, June, for dragging yourself out of your deathbed to make sure your landscaping looks good for the post-funeral wake. Always thinking of others is our June.

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  5. Furry, I think Beth was trying to talk me into driving her to Memphis for your art showing this weekend. I had to referee soccer, so I could not. However, water in the basement sounds like you have more going on than a showing?
    June, like Lassie, maybe Talu went for help??

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  6. I thought he looked thinner, too, Junie, but it might just be that we can’t see his ample belly because he’s crouched down like that.
    My beloved dog, Lady, was the exact same as Lu. Oy with the barking at absolutely EVerything. ALL the time. It was most maddening!
    Hope you’re feeling better soon. Don’t overdo it out there in your yard today. That’s what I did and am now paying for it with a deep, nasty chest cold.

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  7. If I’m not mistaken (and I rarely *am*), he was doing the lotion and starving thing to get her skin to loosen up so it would be easier to remove when he wanted to make a pretty girl-suit out of it. Not because she was fat. Although it’s probably easier to loosen the skin of a fatter person with starvation than of a skinny person, without, ya know, starving them right to death. And there’s more material to work with when the butchering is done. Here’s the dialog from the movie (when Agent Starling first meets the actual nutjob killer-guy, and she’s asking him, still not sure if he’s the abductor, if he knows the young lady):
    Jame: No, nuh-uh. Oh, wait … was she a great, big, fat person?
    Clarice: Yeah, she was a big girl, sir.

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  8. If memory serves me (and usually it doesn’t) that girl in hole was a size 12 and they all thought that was huge. I think the actress who played her was bigger than a size 12 though. I liked her spirit and I’m glad she was rescued. Fran does look smaller. I thought it was an old picture at first. Maybe it’s the angle. Is he a size 12?

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  9. Ohhhh! I would love for you to come, Steve and Beth! I’m glad you didn’t come this weekend though. I have eight inches in the basement and three in the studio. Good thing all of my work is way out east. It rained 4 1/2 inches in about an hour last night. We’re getting another 3-5 today.
    Do they sell arks at Target?

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  10. Ohhhh! I would love for you to come, Steve and Beth! I’m glad you didn’t come this weekend though. I have eight inches in the basement and three in the studio. Good thing all of my work is way out east. It rained 4 1/2 inches in about an hour last night. We’re getting another 3-5 today.
    Do they sell arks at Target?

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  11. Ohhhh! I would love for you to come, Steve and Beth! I’m glad you didn’t come this weekend though. I have eight inches in the basement and three in the studio. Good thing all of my work is way out east. It rained 4 1/2 inches in about an hour last night. We’re getting another 3-5 today.
    Do they sell arks at Target?

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  12. Enough of the fat talk, too, kids. I’m a size 10/12, BMI 24, 6′ tall. Maybe the chick was short is what I’m sayin’.
    I wore some bangin’ platform shoebooties to the opening last night. Makes me about 6’3″. I can not tell you how many strangers felt the need to point out how tall I was.
    Thank you Great Masters of the Obvious.

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  13. Enough of the fat talk, too, kids. I’m a size 10/12, BMI 24, 6′ tall. Maybe the chick was short is what I’m sayin’.
    I wore some bangin’ platform shoebooties to the opening last night. Makes me about 6’3″. I can not tell you how many strangers felt the need to point out how tall I was.
    Thank you Great Masters of the Obvious.

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  14. Enough of the fat talk, too, kids. I’m a size 10/12, BMI 24, 6′ tall. Maybe the chick was short is what I’m sayin’.
    I wore some bangin’ platform shoebooties to the opening last night. Makes me about 6’3″. I can not tell you how many strangers felt the need to point out how tall I was.
    Thank you Great Masters of the Obvious.

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  15. :::thud::: “Comment of the Week”????? I am so honored and humbled! Thanks, June! 🙂

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  16. Girl in the well had to gain 25 lbs for her role, (in her case roll-and lots of them)! She went on to play Dr. Hahn on Gray’s Anatomy for a season(?) in 2007.
    I occasionally have sleeping issues so there are times I watch infomercials for the comedy factor. I love the weight loss and exercise ads.
    “I went from a size 10 down to a size 2 in 5 weeks!” “I started out a size 8 and went down 5 dress sizes in 4 months!”
    Puhhhleeez. If I were a size 8 I would be in the driveway in short shorts waving at the cars driving by!

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  17. Oh my gosh, you’re sick?! No, really? I’m totally snickering right now. Sorry, that was not nice.
    So long as Fran isn’t like that cat that visits people who are going to pass away within a few hours of his visit, you will be okay.
    Okay, I’m done having fun with ya. Geez, I love your posts, you always have me cracking up. Hope you feel better soon and that your pooch snuggles with you.

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  18. Tiffaney who hates scary movies so much that Silence of the Lambs was the last one she saw says:

    Only recently, I realized the puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin psycho guy in Silence of the Lambs also played the Captain on Monk. Now, every time I see him, I can’t help but think of that creepy character. **shivers** And wasn’t his yelpy dog’s name Princess? Ah, good times, good times.

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  19. Feel better, Junie!
    Furry G, we sound like twins, except you’re the one with the cute haircut. Size 12 definitely spreads differently on longer bodies. Also, too, it is a bit of a “duh” moment when people say, “My, you’re a tall one!” Really? Am I?? Hadn’t noticed, glad you told me.

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  20. Furry. if you’re a 10/12 at 6 feet, you ARE a stick. How do you ever find pants long enough?
    June, will you do anything about Fran’s cyst or does it just heal on its own? My Tia dog has a cyst on her eyelid that we will be having removed next week.

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  21. Ah, good ole Jame Gumb. Gotta love him.
    “it puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again…”
    The dude that played him was also in Shutter Island recently. Creeped me right out.

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  22. Isn’t the killer from Silence of the Lambs, the guy who played the captain on Monk? WAYYYY less creepy as a USA network “character”

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  23. I’m a size 14! Okay, let’s not lie. Sometimes a 16. SOMETIMES.
    June, it is official that I got your cold. Please refrain from holding me the next time you feel yourself becoming ill.
    And speaking of a cat cyst, I had a nice disgusting lump removed from my cat Cinnamon’s side last year. It seemed like a gamble to pay upwards of $400 bucks for a 14 year old cat to have “cosmetic” surgery, but he met my goal of at least growing all the hair back before he kicked the bucket. Oh, he’s still alive. I made it sound like he’s dead.

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  24. Dear Dawn – Don’t bring a casserole, bring your Southwest Chicken chili. Yummy, I say.
    Duffy – I hate those commercials. They’re in the magazines too. I always look at the “before” size 8 pictures and think, 1)What was wrong with the way they looked before? and 2)I would give my left arm to be a size 8.
    June – I heard throught the grapevine that you were feeling a bit under the weather…hope you feel better soon! Will you be making fun of Marvin the next time he’s sick? I think that’s a splendid idea.

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  25. Sorry I have been MIA this weekend, kids. There is no fun like the fun of removing 1000 gallons of water from one’s basement. Good times have rolled completely over me.

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  26. Silence of the Lambs is a very rude movie. I remember when I watched it I was already all sorts of messed up over my weight and to see someone my size called “big and fat” did not do good things to my college aged mind. I have to admit I loved “Bridget Jones” even though Renee Zellweger only went from stick thin to bordering on average. I was all annoyed when she got the part because I loved the book and I was hoping the part would go to an actress who wasn’t skinny to begin with but I have to admit she won me over.

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