Lula gets humbled. A photo essay, thanks to Cosmo’s Dad.

Yesterday I told you what I thought was a perfectly scintillating story about the heat and my lawn edger and the dog and my father's pot pie in 1974 and Twilight, and then I was the victim, the VICTIM, of criticism from a commenter.

Faithful Reader and super, super, extra-annoying commenter Cosmo's Dad left a comment, a super, super, extra-annoying comment, asking me why I didn't take PICTURES of my lawn edger, and of the heat, and of my perspiration, and of the extension cords, and of my father and his pot pie back in 1974, and of the author of Twilight, and of someone actually transitioning into a werewolf from a person.

Faithful Reader and super extra-annoying Cosmo's Dad said he was under-stimulated by my post because he didn't have anything to look at yesterday. Do you know what I would like to stimulate Cosmo's Dad with? How about my fist?

Wait. That came out wrong.

Anyway, COSMO'S DAD, I am SORRY that I was out LIVING MY LIFE on Sunday and not DOCUMENTING IT for your edifiCATION.

So I had planned to tell ANOTHER story about SOMETHING ELSE that happened to me on Sunday. Well, really, it happened more to Tallulah, but now that Cosmo's Dad is going to be all under-stimulated, I felt self-conscious about having no photographs from my story. So you know what I did? I took reenactment shots. Just for annoying Cosmo's Dad.

That's what I did.

It is 11 o'clock at night on Monday, and I have set this to post on Tuesday morning, and I have been wandering around my house like a banshee, reenacting the stupid tale of Tallulah's brush with geese from Sunday. It was going to be a simple tale, and now it has become a whole thing.

Cosmo's DAD.

Okay. So on Sunday, I said to Marvin:

Marvin

(there's Marvin. Are you stimulated yet, Cosmo's Dad?) "Let's take Tallulah to the Bog Gardens!"

Lookedbetterearlier

Here's me. Okay, look. It's 11 p.m. How hagged out do YOU look by 11 p.m.? You should have checked in with me at, like, 7:00. I was still relatively cute. And I know that Bonnie Raitt called and wants her white streak back. WE WERE BROKE, remember? I had to wait for this one check to come in. I have a hair appointment on Wednesday. Cinco de Mayo. It looks like I have de mayo in my hair.

I have, however, no excuse for the smudgy eye makeup. Am I entering an Alice Cooper lookalike contest later? Because no one told me.

Anyway, Marvin Gardens said yes to the Bog Gardens, and we got Lu's leash and took her to the park.

Bestpictureever

How mean am I that I just reenacted the getting-of-the-leash part? See what you did, Cosmo's Dad? She is totally down for a walk, even though she has never gone for a walk at 11 p.m. in her life. She is now out there trying to walk herself.

I have to say this is my favorite picture of Tallulah, ever. It is redunkulous.

So we all get in the car and Marvin immediately heads the wrong way. I mean, the Bog Gardens are not far from our house, at all. It is kind of a straight shot, if you want to know the truth and/or stalk us.

But my grandmother, the one I am becoming, used to nag my grandfather endlessly when they were in the car. As soon as they got in, she would grab the dashboard with all her might, and press her espadrilled foot to the floor, like she was pressing her own brake. 

Grab

Brake (Honest to God, Cosmo's Dad, you better poop yourself after this.)

And I drove with my grandfather 750 times. He was a fine driver, not remotely scary. But the whole time she'd be gasping and "CHUCK!"ing and I swore I would never do that. So when Marvin went completely the wrong way, I said nothing.

So we got a nice tour of Greensboro, and after a 40-minute drive, we finally pulled into the park that is six minutes from our house.

Well. Do you know what didn't occur to me?

It is baby season. It is baby duck season, and it is baby goose season.

Swanee

I had not one thing in my house that was duck or goose related. Or even duck, duck, goose-related. Finally I found these swans that, coincidentally, belonged to the grabbing-the-dashboard grandmother. Just pretend they're ducks and geese. In a bog garden and not a china cabinet.

Aren't you glad I took pictures of my Sunday walk with Tallulah? COSMO'S DAD?

Mytailpointsatswans

I also took the swans out of the china cabinet, and I like how Winston is pointing them out for us.

Anyway. I am obsessed with baby geese. And also baby ducks. I mean, I guess that comes as no surprise. If you have read this ludicrous blog for awhile, you already know this fact, because there were baby geese at my old workplace, and my obsession for the baby geese was probably part of why they had such incredible respect for me; hence the part where I am working there today.

Naturally when we saw said babies I had to stop and obsess over them, as I do, forgetting in fact that WE HAD THE DOG. THE RIDICULOUS, HUNTY, BEAGLE-MIX DOG. Who has never met a baby goose before, it turns out.

If I think I am obsessed? I had yet to meet the so-needing-meds-for-her-obsession-Tallulah.

And you know what? Tallulah is not cool. She in no way can act like she does not care. If she were a person, she would be a used-car saleswoman. "What do I have to do to get you into my mouth TODAY!?"

Oh, she was obnoxious, with the tugging and the wagging and the whining and the wanting to go over there closer and the not being at all subtle about it. She would never be the type of person wearing a beret and writing poetry in a coffee shop. I'm telling you.

So, the thing is, you find a baby goose? Not far from it is a mom goose. And guess who is bitchy?

Oh, there is nothing scarier than a mom goose. Could they have blanker eyeballs, those adult geese? When do they go from being the cutest, pookiest things to the blankest, most soulless-eyed beings, ever?

When that goose saw Talu all up in her baby's business? Here is what she did.

Hssssss!

Yes, the mom goose showed her bra strap.

And do you know what Tallulah did?

Sitpretty

She sat right down. That thing hissed at her and she was all, "Yes, ma'am. I sorry." People around us saw it all and laughed. You have never seen someone humbled so fast.

I am thinking I should just dress up like a big goose when we go on our walks, and when she acts up, I can just hiss. Because that was the best she ever acted, was when that thing showed her the business end of its hiss.

Gooses are scary. I have to respect them.

I hope this entire post receives the Cosmo's Dad Seal of Stimulation. (You know I love you more than my luggage, Cosmo's Dad.)

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

93 thoughts on “Lula gets humbled. A photo essay, thanks to Cosmo’s Dad.”

  1. OMG! What do I have to do to get you in my mouth TODAY! You and your sparkly hair are way funny.
    The other day, Joann pointed out that it seemed like Cosmo’s Dad needed some stimulation, but these are not the type of photos I thought she was talking about. Perhaps that is why you threw the bra strap one in there. You are truly good people.

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  2. Oh.my.gawd! Cosmo’s Dad better be reading today. You are comically gifted June. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed your story pictorial today.
    Love your reenactment of the goose. Love Marvin’s photo trying to be a big man grabbing his jacket. Totally love, love, love Lu’s pic chomping on her leash!
    I know what your motivation for today’s post was, thanks Dad of Cosmo, but it was funny as all get out.

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  3. Long time reader… first time poster. Just had to post to say this is one of the best posts I think I have ever read!! Loved it!

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  4. What a reenactment! Superb! Such talent (and awesome photos to boot). Thanks Cosmo’s Dad…and June and Talu for a great story.

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  5. Thanks June and Cosmo’s Dad! This was too funny. Thanks too Winston’s tail, for pointing out the faux geese/ducks. Good stuff!

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  6. Boy, that lab of yours sure looks like a pit bull in the leash photo!!!
    And I too love the shoes!

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  7. June, now that’s more like it! I hope you stay on this Life Magazine track.
    Thanks Cosmo’s Dad.
    Oh, and June those shoes are super cute. Love those girlie shoes.
    My cousins have a farm and I used to hang there all the time as a little girl and let me tell you, geese are freakin’ bad-ass! They’re like the Crips of the animal world. Vicious, I tell you.
    Also, don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but we got freakin’ ducklings for Easter. And when I say we, I mean my husband got our daughter ducklings against my wishes. I don’t like them very much. They’re cute but awfully messy. They’re a slot below the Moron twins in the like department.
    And not to pimp out anyone else’s blog here, but I think, for today, June won’t mind. Furry wrote an eloquent post yesterday on her flood and the terrible loss of so much of her artwork. It’s a very moving read.
    Love the pics, June. Keep em coming!

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  8. I am laughing. I’m going to be laughing ALL DAY LONG about this post. Oh my!!!! Good stuff, June Gardens. Good stuff. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  9. You’re too funny, June! Love the pic of Lu on the leash. Do you think maybe her language is hissing? You could try it next time she acts up!
    Thanks for pimping me out there, Joann. I like being your ho. Just don’t bitch slap me for not wanting to clean up after your ducklings, ‘k?
    And Fawn, did you do okay after all the tornadoes your way? I tried to comment on your blog, but well, you know.

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  10. You’re too funny, June! Love the pic of Lu on the leash. Do you think maybe her language is hissing? You could try it next time she acts up!
    Thanks for pimping me out there, Joann. I like being your ho. Just don’t bitch slap me for not wanting to clean up after your ducklings, ‘k?
    And Fawn, did you do okay after all the tornadoes your way? I tried to comment on your blog, but well, you know.

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  11. You’re too funny, June! Love the pic of Lu on the leash. Do you think maybe her language is hissing? You could try it next time she acts up!
    Thanks for pimping me out there, Joann. I like being your ho. Just don’t bitch slap me for not wanting to clean up after your ducklings, ‘k?
    And Fawn, did you do okay after all the tornadoes your way? I tried to comment on your blog, but well, you know.

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  12. Too funny. Thanks to June and an especially big thanks to Cosmo’s Dad for demanding this photo filled reenactment.

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  13. I can so totally see you dressed in that Bjork-swan thingy dress, walking your Lu. You should write a book. Are you? You should is all I’m saying.
    Smiles,
    Lisa

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  14. Undoubtedly, the scariest thing ever on a golf course is a goose. Period. And isn’t Dad of Cosmo the luckiest boy on the team? I am so envious.
    Thanks, Fawn Amber, for letting us know that you are okay. I don’t know when Nashville will ever recover from the hit they took.

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  15. Cosmo’s Dad? Cat got your tongue? Where the heck are you? You are usually here 8549035 by now. We’re waiting…
    BTW, my niece lives in Nashville but was in Memphis at the time the storm hit. She did try driving home. At 12:30 am she decided a hotel was the best place to be. Because all of the highways were closed, she called her fiance’s uncle and asked if she could come back to Memphis for a few days.

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  16. The goose reenactment scared me. I’ve heard that geese will keep the snakes in check.
    There’s a nest of garter snakes in my siding, can you come over?

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  17. I just sat down with a nice iced coffee because I’m a tinglating. I’m aroused, excited, inspired, fueled, incited and tit hardened. Ohhh, pictures, pictures, pictures and words too! The pleasure that is coursing through my humble being. The sweetness that is life. A new spring day has arrived, full of blooming pictures, images that embolden me to a higher plateau. And Talu, And Winston and geese too. And that handsome bar mitzvah boy. As sweet as is candy, those shoes are quite dandy. I want to thank you so much, phewwww, my heart be still.

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  18. Hi-lar-i-ous!!!
    And you know what else? If this doesn’t entice those people who don’t read the comments to get busy reading and commenting their own selves, I don’t know what will!
    June, you brighten my day and you make my heart sing.
    And for the last two weeks it has been singing that horrible Meatloaf song, Two out of Three ain’t bad. Can you toss me a new song, please?
    Terra, Furry G and all the others flood-affected, please do let us know what we can do to help.

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  19. Mother Goose…
    Where was Maverick during all of this?
    He’s never supposed to leave his wingman!!
    Oh, and Lisa Pie-“You Take My Breath Away….”

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  20. Cosmo’s Dad, YEAH BABY!
    No, Furry, the oil slick isn’t headed this way, at least not yet. But, it sickens me. Sickens me. Our Gulf of Mexico is a jewel and now…
    But, no talk of that since you all are suffering so mightily.
    I think you can see, June, what turns on the masses. Reenactments, cute shoes, studly pics of Marvin and geese. Might want to keep that in mind.

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  21. Funniest post ever!!! And you have had some EXTREMELY amusing ones! I never miss reading them because you are a bright spot in my day.

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  22. I concur with the funny post comments. We can all use a little liberating nonsense when the going gets tough. Pray for our neighbors in Nashville, north Mississippi and Arkansas.

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  23. I can’t believe there was an oil spill and Nashville is flooded and I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t read the comments today, and then used the mighty powers of Google. I’ve REALLY got to start keeping up with the headlines.
    LOVE that picture of baby Marvin. And poor Talu and the getting yelled at by a mama goose. I’d have sat right down and behaved myself too.

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  24. Marvin had me at baruch ata. You are a lucky, lucky woman, June.

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  25. June, you have given me an idea. I’m going out right now to buy some geese and post them at my son’s bedroom doorway. They can keep him in his place and in his room until it’s clean!
    Failing that… Do YOU want to come over and try? Your impression was soooo realistic!

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  26. Hulk, I don’t remember the name of the leading lady, but wasn’t she the worst choice in the world for that movie? So unconvincing as Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. And every time Goose dies I cry like a freaking baby!

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  27. Love the goose story! Tallulah looks very pit-bullish in the picture with the leash!
    My lab, Polly, is all obsessed with a nest of Carolina wrens in the front planter at our house. She was up in there trying to dig this weekend. She did not reach the nest, which is way small and smushed between inner and outer pots. I thought the eggs/babies might be drowned after our monsoon this weekend, but I saw a tiny beak in there yesterday. Now I have to keep an eagle eye on the dog until those babies fly the coop. Grrr. Tired of being Mother Nature’s helper.

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  28. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Kelly McGillis.
    I just noticed this though…
    Junie looks like the Karate Kid doing that crane technique in that one pic…

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  29. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Kelly McGillis.
    I just noticed this though…
    Junie looks like the Karate Kid doing that crane technique in that one pic…

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  30. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Kelly McGillis.
    I just noticed this though…
    Junie looks like the Karate Kid doing that crane technique in that one pic…

    Like

  31. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Goose DIES?!?!?

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  32. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Goose DIES?!?!?

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  33. Hulk (Who is wondering if anyone can guess what OTHER movie he watched over the weekend...oh wait. I just named it. DAMMIT!)) says:

    Goose DIES?!?!?

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  34. HA! Cosmo’s dad said “tit hardened”. That was almost as funny as June’s post today.
    Fawn Amber, glad you are ok. I was actually driving from NWA to Searcy for my grandmother’s 90th birthday party during the storm. It was scary!
    Joann, I’m cracking up at all your animals. I love, love, love the moron twins!

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  35. Y’all, I saw a couple of shout-outs to me and fellow Nashvillians. I, personally, am fine and have scored a few days off since schools are closed. We sit high and dry, and except for springing a few leaks, all is good.
    Nashville and south of the city – wow. I have not heard much yet about ways to help, so much of the area is still impassable. I know there is a Red Cross $10 donation number, I think it is 90999 but not certain. When I learn more, I will let you know. I had to take a little break from the coverage, I was becoming obsessed.

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  36. Oh, Junie! This was a fabulous post! I just love that a goose put Lu in her place! Great visual!
    Also love your goose impression. Hee! Also love that pic of Lu biting her leash! How adorable is she?
    Many thanks to Cosmo’s Dad for this one! : )

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  37. Oh. My. Gawd! Funny!
    Favorite pic: “Mother Goose”
    Favorite line: Do you know what I would like to stimulate Cosmo’s Dad with? How about my fist?
    Wait. That came out wrong.
    I think I peed in my pants at that one, I was laughing so hard.
    Love ya, June! So glad you are (obviously) feeling better!

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  38. You know what would be fantastic? If June would have her blog, with comments, published in book form. It would be HUGE, but a great read! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  39. Jan~ Ouiser, you sound almost chipper, What happened today? You run over a small child or something? says:

    As funny as this post is/was, Cosmo’s Dad’s response rivaled it in the funny. I heartily second the motion to have Cosmo’s Dad do a guest post. Complete with pictures, of course, lest we become understimulated. Maybe June should do random reader/commenter guest posts. Paula H&B, Cosmo’s Dad, Marvin, Mother, Duffy Lou, Joanne. It would be hilarious!

    Like

  40. Jan~ Ouiser, you sound almost chipper, What happened today? You run over a small child or something? says:

    As funny as this post is/was, Cosmo’s Dad’s response rivaled it in the funny. I heartily second the motion to have Cosmo’s Dad do a guest post. Complete with pictures, of course, lest we become understimulated. Maybe June should do random reader/commenter guest posts. Paula H&B, Cosmo’s Dad, Marvin, Mother, Duffy Lou, Joanne. It would be hilarious!

    Like

  41. Jan~ Ouiser, you sound almost chipper, What happened today? You run over a small child or something? says:

    As funny as this post is/was, Cosmo’s Dad’s response rivaled it in the funny. I heartily second the motion to have Cosmo’s Dad do a guest post. Complete with pictures, of course, lest we become understimulated. Maybe June should do random reader/commenter guest posts. Paula H&B, Cosmo’s Dad, Marvin, Mother, Duffy Lou, Joanne. It would be hilarious!

    Like

  42. Jan you’re funny, and I’m glad you got the Ouiser. The first time I tried to translate the name I came up Oye-e-user. Then the light bulb went on.
    June is my stimulating Goddess. She alone is entertaining enough for all of us. Without her our days would be rather dim. With or without fisting.
    And Hulk, that Kelly McGillis is now a lesbian, who da thunk. She is still a lot purdier than that Bruce Jenner.

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  43. Great great post, Junie! Love Marvin, love your shoe, love Lu, love your goose impression! Say, does photography run in your family or something?
    To second someone’s comment, what can we do to help your commenters that recently got hit with Mother Nature’s wrath?

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  44. Great great post, Junie! Love Marvin, love your shoe, love Lu, love your goose impression! Say, does photography run in your family or something?
    To second someone’s comment, what can we do to help your commenters that recently got hit with Mother Nature’s wrath?

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  45. Great great post, Junie! Love Marvin, love your shoe, love Lu, love your goose impression! Say, does photography run in your family or something?
    To second someone’s comment, what can we do to help your commenters that recently got hit with Mother Nature’s wrath?

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  46. By the way… the song “Take my Breath Away” was the song my ex-wifey and I danced to at our wedding in 1988.

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  47. This post is only second to the one about Tallulah getting away from you and tearing through the neighborhood with you and Marvin chasing after her. You need to repost that one!
    When you don’t read all the comments you miss half the fun.

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  48. Hulk (Who is celebrating by drinking a beer in the living room and leaving the toilet seat up.) says:

    And the song “Love Stinks” was playing on the radio when my ex and I got to our reception. Happy One-Year Anniversary Of Being Divorced to me!

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  49. The Red Cross text for a $10 donation for flood victims is “90999” if anyone is interested. Still not hearing about a lot of other opportunities yet. I think I did hear something about a telethon – imagine the talent right here in Nashville – awesome!

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  50. “Another One Bites the Dust” was playing on the way to my honeymoon night. It sure did.

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  51. “Another One Bites the Dust” was playing on the way to my honeymoon night. It sure did.

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  52. “Another One Bites the Dust” was playing on the way to my honeymoon night. It sure did.

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  53. My gosh … laughing so hard over here. I was totally stressed about the crappy offer we received for our house today … and then I read this … thank you. I will now go to bed laughing and eating Tums rather than crying and eating Tums. :o)
    And Cosmos Dad? Thanks for complaining. I think June should reenact her day in pictures every day now. :o))))

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  54. Ok, I hate to do it but I have to complain.
    I am appalled by the sheer volume of photos. You broke my internet. This is too many pictures. I hope you never post an entry with this many damn photos ever again. TOO MUCH!
    Bwahahahahaha. Yeah, I’m lame. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  55. Truth be told June, you brought this on yourself. You raise the bar of expectation for your readers each time you post!! I know I can always stop by, read your post and be entertained. Can’t beat that with a stick!

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