Tiny Atwater checks in. That is my mother’s dog/street porn name.

Ooo, I have to hurry. I'm so excited. I'm going to the headache clinic today!

I know! I really know how to live it up.

Yesterday I went to my regular doctor, who I see about 39238573 times a year, due to my hypochondria. I do have to tell you that I have found a gem. Usually doctors HATE me, but this one is very tolerant. Have I told you about when I go in for my annual yodel-ay-hee-whoo appointment?

You know, most women, when they go in for that particular appointment, they are mostly focused on how uncomfortable it is. But not me. I am ACUTELY aware that I am being tested for two kinds of cancer. I could not be more phobic about cancer.

My doctor, who knows this all too well since I am forever going in there with cancer symptoms, is really good about this. When she is doing my exam, you should hear her.

"Oh, June! Everything looks marvelous! Oh! You look just great! Healthy as can be!"

She sounds like she wants to get her easel and watercolors and do a few Georgia O'Keefe-esque paintings to put over her mantel before she lets me get up.

So anyway, I went in there yesterday to ask about my Topamax that I am taking for my migraines, to see what I can do. Because even though I love it, it is making me an idiot and affecting my livelihood. And I thought instead of Googling it and trying to figure it out myself, perhaps I could let a medical professional figure it out.

The nurse first took my blood pressure, like they always do, and you will be surprised to hear that at this point the nurse and I are good friends. We are chatting about what's new, and she puts the cuff on, and we wait. And wait.

"Are you gonna HAVE blood pressure today?" she asks.

When my doctor comes in, she says, "June, I am not worried AT ALL. I think the nurse just took your pressure incorrectly, but I am gonna recheck it, because it was very low."

I told her, "I'm not scared about heart stuff yet. You don't have to be all reassuring about this."

Anyway, I practically have no blood pressure, which you'll be surprised to hear is a thing my grandmother who I am becoming had, and my doctor listened to my heart and said, "Well, you're a tiny woman. It's not unusual for tiny women."

Did you hear that? I'M A TINY WOMAN.

Did I further mention I have lost six more pounds in the three weeks since my last doctor's appointment? I love Topamax.

Anyway, it turns out that through my Googling, I knew more about Topamax than my doctor, and she said I should see a neurologist, and I know you all have thought I should have my head examined for years. So today I am doing just that.

I am thrilled. Perhaps I will get more info on my headaches, and maybe they will tell me more about Topamax and how to circumvent the stupidity. Because I really don't want to stop taking it.

Then after my head appointment I get my hair done. Everything is from the neck up today. I am like one of those big Barbie heads.

Did I mention I am a tiny woman?

97 thoughts on “Tiny Atwater checks in. That is my mother’s dog/street porn name.

  1. I was long overdue for an appt with the “hoo ha doctor”. I was in the sturrups when he looked at my chart, and in a VERY condescending tone said ‘Do you know how long it has been since you were in?”
    I smiled sweetly and asked “Did you miss me?”
    He turned red and the nurse laughed.

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  2. You are putting your doctor’s children through college with all your visits…of course she loves you, you little bitty woman..:)

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  3. “a tiny woman”. Sigh. I’v e never been described thatg way. Although one elderly woman once told me I have the map of Ireland on my face”. WTF!!??

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  4. HEY! You damn kids…
    “Opening in New Orleans”…oh, I was dying there.
    I guess I would think that if a woman got her, um, privates “bejazzled” and then got some action, wouldn’t it look like the Christmas tree that fell over?

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  5. I really hope that June, at the who-haaa doctor, started laughing about all of our absolutly “redunkulous” comments we will supply when she demurley displays Marvin’s best friend.
    Reenactment time:
    She is now photographing the examanation, with Talu peeking under a sheet, and Henry gently massaging her boosuums.

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  6. You guys are killing me today! Hilarious.
    A friend of mine to the hoo-ha dr last year and he complimented her on fancy lady bits. Confused, she asked the dr what he was talking about. He said, “Glitter! Nice touch. Never seen that before.” Then she realized that in her attempt to clean up before her appointment, she had wiped herself down with a washcloth that her 7 year old daughter had used to wipe up some glitter she had spilled.
    Apparently I need to get a life…I heard a Bjork song on the radio today and immediately thought of Hulk.

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  7. I had my head MRI. What little brain that showed up looked okay. Most of my head was empty space.
    Oh! I get what you’re laying down H&B. You’re talking about another kind of examination.
    The kind my mom used to end every phone conversation with, “You need to get your head examined”.

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  8. I’m receptive….no in this case you would be….aw heck its all give and take. Even if Art is an opening receiver, I’m up for it.
    Hulk, aren’t there receivers in football?

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  9. Furry G. I’m so glad you explained about “an opening I had in New Orleans”. More visuals…..god..I’m a picture slut! That tells it all. Ho Hummm…

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  10. OMG I’ve totally played that game 12!!! That game is awesome! What did we call it? Something like pictaphone. I played it at New Year’s with my church group, LOL. “Welcome to the Jungle” became “f*** you lion” because the lion looked like it was giving the finger

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  11. Furry, that was you? Great show. Any of you looked up the video for “clitter” on youtube? I’d link but I’m at work. And it’s not horribly inappropriate, but it’s about accessorizing. The you know. I wish I had a good vagina story.
    There is a telephone game where you write a sentence, and then the next person draws out the sentence underneath it. Then you fold down the part of the paper that has the written sentence and the next person writes what they think the pictures are saying. And so forth. The end of one of these games became “Candy comes from vaginas”. So, you can guess how mature we are when we talk about candy.

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  12. Jan who Lady Land isn't pierced or bedazzled, but once my annual appt was at Christmas time and I considered getting those itty bitty lights and ornaments to adorn the vajayjay says:

    DYing. Furry. Just DYing.

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  13. Oh, my. It is quite the educational day here. I am learning so much about all of you . . . and your parts.

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  14. So, Gladys. Tell the truth. Piercings. And you hauled out the diamonds just to impress him, huh?
    At an opening I had in New Orleans, they had this stripper who claimed to be a performance artist do her act. She did really naughty things to the men’s ties and then we she got naked, OMG! She had ink of a snake that started at the top of her arm, coiled down her torso and BAM! The head of the snake? You guessed it, kids! It was down in her nethers and her whoha was the open fanged mouth of the snake!
    I am not even kidding.
    The worst part is that we resembled each other and people kept stopping me in the French Quarter for my autograph.
    Again. Not kidding.

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  15. So, Gladys. Tell the truth. Piercings. And you hauled out the diamonds just to impress him, huh?
    At an opening I had in New Orleans, they had this stripper who claimed to be a performance artist do her act. She did really naughty things to the men’s ties and then we she got naked, OMG! She had ink of a snake that started at the top of her arm, coiled down her torso and BAM! The head of the snake? You guessed it, kids! It was down in her nethers and her whoha was the open fanged mouth of the snake!
    I am not even kidding.
    The worst part is that we resembled each other and people kept stopping me in the French Quarter for my autograph.
    Again. Not kidding.

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  16. So, Gladys. Tell the truth. Piercings. And you hauled out the diamonds just to impress him, huh?
    At an opening I had in New Orleans, they had this stripper who claimed to be a performance artist do her act. She did really naughty things to the men’s ties and then we she got naked, OMG! She had ink of a snake that started at the top of her arm, coiled down her torso and BAM! The head of the snake? You guessed it, kids! It was down in her nethers and her whoha was the open fanged mouth of the snake!
    I am not even kidding.
    The worst part is that we resembled each other and people kept stopping me in the French Quarter for my autograph.
    Again. Not kidding.

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  17. Look at what we’ve learned today: Bedazzled and golden Girlybits, Hoo-ha doctors asking out patients while in the middle of the “relax and open wide” exam, Weight-loss through Topamax, Christmas trees hung with hung (hanged?) Barbies which is kinda cool in a creepy way, blood pressure so low you’re a step above walking corpse and why this blog including comments hasn’t been made into a book is what I want to know.

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  18. I just realized what a tease our Junie is, no pictures today so tomorrow she will show us pictures from today’s events. Either that or she and Marvin and Talu (as the nurse) will do a reenactment tonight for all of our viewing pleasure. Yipppeeeeee!

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  19. I just wanted to say to June that I hope your neurologist can get your Topomax script figured out. My neuro put me on Topomax for my migraines and I love it! No dummy-moments and it helps with the weight loss and has cut back dramatically on the number of my migraines! 🙂
    …And now back to your regularly scheduled bedazzled vajajays….

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  20. You know I was a single woman and kind of thought…hummm a doctor. Then I realized how creepy it actually was…Oh and just so you know his name was….swear to God on a stack of bibles…Peter Head. Yep Dr. Peter Head asked me out whilst in the middle of my bidness.
    I did report him but don’t know what became of him. I then saw a woman gyno who actually told me that she didn’t feed her horse because GAWD would provide for it. I looked at her and asked “you don’t have kids do you?”
    Oh and just so you know it’s golden. 🙂

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  21. Thinking about the Barbetized Christmas tree is a frightening thought. Right on a par with being called a giant pain in the ass by a proctologist.

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  22. Dad of Cosmo, he may only have 5 o’clock shadow.

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  23. As I read about these women who were asked out by their vajayjay doc, the song “What’s she got that I ain’t got?” keeps running through my head. Maybe they can carry on a scintillating conversation while the doc does his thing with the speculum, but I sure can’t.
    And June, just how low WAS your blood pressure? Lower than 90/60? Were they checking for a pulse to see if you were alive? Congratulations on being called a tiny woman and good luck with the neurologist.

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  24. Hulk-those are famous last words spoken by men better than you!!!! LOL

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  25. Hulk-those are famous last words spoken by men better than you!!!! LOL

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  26. Hulk-those are famous last words spoken by men better than you!!!! LOL

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  27. When the Doc gets really close to you down there… does the thought that he may poke is head up and look at you and say “look at me, I’ve got a beard”?

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  28. Did any of you see that Friends episode where Rachel is trying to flirt with the doctor who is delivering Phoebe’s baby? She’s throwing herself at him and he says, “What do you do for a living?” and she says she’s a waitress. And he says, “Do you ever feel like, if I see one more cup of coffee…”
    Don’t you think that’s how you feel? I mean, they can’t all be pretty.

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  29. You’re a tiny woman with a giant Barbie head. That’s hot.
    OH my. I’m not sure if we should be advising Gladys to call the authorities or congratulating her on her fantabulous vajayjay. I mean, those doctors see Lady Land all day, every day. Gladys’s must have really stood out.

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  30. Hulk, you do know that the next step after getting a “baby” pet is having either a) a real baby or 104(7)c-a wedding! Just letting ya know.
    Gladys-Wow, that must be one hell of a vajayjay! LOL

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  31. Hulk, you do know that the next step after getting a “baby” pet is having either a) a real baby or 104(7)c-a wedding! Just letting ya know.
    Gladys-Wow, that must be one hell of a vajayjay! LOL

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  32. Hulk, you do know that the next step after getting a “baby” pet is having either a) a real baby or 104(7)c-a wedding! Just letting ya know.
    Gladys-Wow, that must be one hell of a vajayjay! LOL

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  33. A kiss after a root canal? Obviously this man knew very little about erogenous zones.
    I, too, had a Vajayjay doctor ask me out while in college. I was in college. Not the doctor. That would have been weird. He did ask me after the exam and after the clothes were back on, but it creeped me out. And having heard Glady’s story, I think there might just be doctors who specialize in gynecology, just for the trolling. Yuck!
    My husband yelled at me the other day. I was mad until he said something about my little ass during his yelling. Then I had the best husband in the world.
    June, today you are Victoria Beckham because she is only a giant head. So, there you are Victoria Beckham with a Georgia O’ Keefe vajayjay. What a good day for you!

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  34. TOTALLY thought this was going to be a different topic when I read the title. Like something about high school.
    As I am already ALWAYS the smartest one in the group I hang out with, maybe I could take Topomax. Lose weight and be an equal for once…
    Bjork has asked me to adopt a cat for her. So much for getting the milk for free…

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  35. TOTALLY thought this was going to be a different topic when I read the title. Like something about high school.
    As I am already ALWAYS the smartest one in the group I hang out with, maybe I could take Topomax. Lose weight and be an equal for once…
    Bjork has asked me to adopt a cat for her. So much for getting the milk for free…

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  36. TOTALLY thought this was going to be a different topic when I read the title. Like something about high school.
    As I am already ALWAYS the smartest one in the group I hang out with, maybe I could take Topomax. Lose weight and be an equal for once…
    Bjork has asked me to adopt a cat for her. So much for getting the milk for free…

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  37. Oh my gosh – I am getting two doses of hilarity in one!!!! June and the Commentaters! Thank you June! Thank you Commentaters! (Not that you’re common at all!)

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  38. Oh, Junie…I would die to have low blood pressure and to be told I was tiny. MAN, you’ve got the good life going on over there!
    And, Gladys, your retort to Dr. Inappropriate was great. That man must have giant cojones to ask you on a date while you were in such a position. In front of the nurse, even?! Wow. Hugely inappropriate!
    I once had a married dentist kiss me after he had just given me a root canal. My entire mouth was numb. It was VERY strange. I didn’t know he was married at the time, of course. Found that out after we had dated for like 2 weeks! Nice guy, huh?!

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  39. Gladys, that is HILARIOUS!! That would be very uncomfortable. Probably more uncomfortable than having a watercolor done while you’re spread eagle.
    I get the occasional migraine. Like, 3 a year. Think that warrants a prescription for Topamax? I don’t need my brains.

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  40. I had a friend who one year used the big Barbie head as a Christmas tree topper. The tree was decorated with about 50 Barbie dolls all dressed up. The tree would rotate, however not smoothly, out of the corner of your eye you would occasionally see Barbie head jerking around.
    Now that sounds kind of dirty…hmmm.

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  41. Tiny woman, negative blood pressure, having a bad hair day. Hmmm.I feel a sit-com coming on. Toss in a dash of Amish porn and I think we can get a meeting in Hollywood.

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  42. I love that Georgia O’Keefe comment. Did you ever see the episode of Raymond when Marie did the sculpture of the vajajay? He-lar-ee-us!
    Also did I ever mention the time I was at the girlie doctor with my feet in the stirrups and he asked me for a date? Can you say UNCOMFORTABLE!

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  43. I would pay a decent sum of money to have someone actually call me a “tiny woman.”
    I love that.
    And I have never had a migraine in my life, but I’m seriously contemplating asking my doctor for a scrip for Topamax. Because the dieting? Not fun. And I’m kinda dumb already, so…

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  44. Loosing weight, fab hair & a Georgia O’Keefe vagina. You, June Gardens, have a lot more going on for you than most people!

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  45. Loosing weight, fab hair & a Georgia O’Keefe vagina. You, June Gardens, have a lot more going on for you than most people!

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  46. Loosing weight, fab hair & a Georgia O’Keefe vagina. You, June Gardens, have a lot more going on for you than most people!

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  47. Sounds like a perfect plan for a perfect day. Enjoy getting your hair did!
    And you know by the time you get back here the comments will have taken this conversation off in 3 different tangents, none of which will have anything to do with your head.
    Strange how that happens. We should have someone be like a Sgt. at Arms and police the comments. “You, missy, get back on topic!” that kind of thing. : )

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  48. Oh a tiny woman! And the hair done. That, dear June, is one fabulous day. Don’t forget Cosmo’s Dad’s photos!

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  49. Oh a tiny woman! And the hair done. That, dear June, is one fabulous day. Don’t forget Cosmo’s Dad’s photos!

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  50. Oh a tiny woman! And the hair done. That, dear June, is one fabulous day. Don’t forget Cosmo’s Dad’s photos!

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