I am berserk · June's stupid life

A Midsummer’s Nightmare

My next-door neighbor, Peg, and I are throwing a party next month. We are calling it a Midsummer's Nightmare, and you have to come dressed as your biggest fear. It can be your current fear or whatever you were afraid of in your childhood.

Well.

You know I am afraid of everything. I don't know how to dress for my own party!

Ironically enough, there's my agoraphobia. So naturally I'm having a party. I could go dressed as that.

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Of course, then there's my hypochondria.

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So I could dress as a '70s pamphlet image of hypochondria.

I am also particularly horrified of spiders.

Wilbur

Oh! Oh! What about my huge fear of barfing?!

Toilet

Do you have any idea how often, when I run into people I haven't seen in years, I get asked, "Have you barfed yet?" The answer is still no. Not since October of 1982. Thanks for asking. Could we keep it at October 1982? Thanks.

What I'm thinking is maybe I need to do a change of wardrobe, like Diana Ross or something, several times in the night. I mean, I hate to highlight one fear and ignore the others. They've all brought me such hours of obsessing.

What say you? And what would you dress as if you got invited to this exclusive affair? 
 

P.S. Marvin is dressing as me.

MeEveryone's a comedian. 

80 thoughts on “A Midsummer’s Nightmare

  1. I would tape sandpaper to my elbows and feet for your party. I have a horrible fear of getting crusty elbows and cracked ugly feet. Saw a woman in a store one day with cracks in her feet as gross as…well…I cannot think of anything as gross as her feet. She was wearing flipflops. As to the elbows, just look at people’s elbows sometimes. Nasty!

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  2. I can’t even get in a lake anymore. My best friend’s parents have a place at the lake and ever since I saw a water moccasin swimming around the boat dock, I can’t do it. These stories about people falling into pits of water moccasins have confirmed my fears.
    I had to fish a dead frog out of my swimming pool yesterday. That was gross and traumatic. I supposed it is better than fishing out a water moccasin.

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  3. Laurie in Texas (who should be snoozing but is wired on bookstore coffee! Oops, the "C" word, sorry!) says:

    The water moccasin nest info has caused Lonesome Dove flashbacks because the same thing happened in that book/mini-series. Ugh.

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  4. Laurie in Texas (who should be snoozing but is wired on bookstore coffee! Oops, the "C" word, sorry!) says:

    The water moccasin nest info has caused Lonesome Dove flashbacks because the same thing happened in that book/mini-series. Ugh.

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  5. Laurie in Texas (who should be snoozing but is wired on bookstore coffee! Oops, the "C" word, sorry!) says:

    The water moccasin nest info has caused Lonesome Dove flashbacks because the same thing happened in that book/mini-series. Ugh.

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  6. Water moccasins? Are you even kidding? Man. What a way to go.
    And I would read Furry’s biography. That’s some f*cked up sh*t you described! Wow.
    Lastly? How much do we all love Target Steve? Hulkie, you’ve got some competition!!

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  7. Oh Furry, you make me sad. If you’d peeked at my blog, you would know that my table apparently didn’t like the point I tried to make on it!
    It’s just a dislocated pinky and a cracked hand. I promise I’ll only bitch about it for the next 6 months or so.

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  8. Well. I was going to say being buried alive but now I’m going to say falling into a pit of water moccasins. Bleeeeeccccchhh.

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  9. Well. I was going to say being buried alive but now I’m going to say falling into a pit of water moccasins. Bleeeeeccccchhh.

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  10. Well. I was going to say being buried alive but now I’m going to say falling into a pit of water moccasins. Bleeeeeccccchhh.

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  11. Almost all of my fears involve my kids. I have nightmares of being submerged in a car with them and not being able to get them out. Having one of them trip while we’re hiking and fall off a cliff. Having a chain on the swing break as they are swinging as high as they can. Believe it or not, I’m not the type of mother that hovers though. I’m constantly having to push back my fears so that I don’t steal their childhood from them.
    Today, we were on a family hike at some nearby waterfalls and one of my kids lost grip of a bouncy ball she had in her hands. It rolled right under the barrier/fence, off the cliff, and into the water. She cried for her ball and I cried because I was just so happy that it was the damn ball and not her.
    Maybe my costume would be me walking around with a black cloud hanging over me and one of my kids walking in front of me, just out of arms reach?

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  12. I went to one of these parties once, and one guest’s fear was having children. She had a bunch of baby dolls attached to her arms, legs and chest with spit-up looking stains on her clothes, etc. It was pretty funny.

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  13. I would go as a ventriloquist dummy. You know the one dressed in a black suit with bright red lips and shiny hair. I’m giving myself the creeps right now!

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  14. Furry, I had a friend who fell while water skiing and ended up in a nest of them nasty water moccasins too. I wasn’t there at the time. We used to go seining for minnows in the Bosque River and you could SMELL those snakes. Nasty bit that was.
    yeah that is my other HUGE fear…snakes, not nasty bits.

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  15. ah gee, I was wondering why my ribs were hurting. Then I realized it was from my time spent here. Ding and especially dang, I am aching!
    Brooke, thanks, you just reminded of my old nightmares. Thankfully I don’t have them anymore.

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  16. I’d be dressed as a needle. I hate shots.
    As a commentary on my personality, however, I have a recurring nightmare that I have to go back to high school. It’s not the going back that bothers me so much as the fact that in my dream, nobody will tell me what classes I’m in or where my locker is at.

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  17. I have a friend who is afaraid of people in costumes. Not halloweenie type costumes, but the full on cartoony type.
    We were at the grocery store one day walking down the aisle and coming toward us was “Twinkie the Kid”, life size Hostess twinkie, cowboy hat, gun holster and boots.
    She fainted and peed herself.
    We then just bought chips and beer and I laughed all the rest of the afternoon.
    I kind of get freaked out by those pictures of the children with the really large eyes.

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  18. I am now worried because I completely understood the logic of Target Steve’s post. Plus I’m sorta scared of Furry’s grandma.

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  19. I went home at lunch and told my husband about this conversation and he said he couldn’t portray what his fear was at a party. He said it’s erectile dysfunction. I was like, are you serious?! And he said yes, he has no real thing to fear other than that. I said but that’s the point, you can list irrational fears. And then I said, “You know I’m commenting about this, right?”

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  20. Dement ia, which runs through the female side of my family, and it dang sure needs to stay there. I could get naked and go to the party as my grandmother, which was how we found her, a mile or o from our house. She was walking home, and she only had 137 miles to go.

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  21. Duffylou - is June thinking up these topics lately to torment us? yesterday was sad today is fear...hmm? says:

    Furry, I sincerely believe you need to pen your memoirs. Your life is truly incredible.
    And hell no I don’t want to go as your grandmother. Especially if it means your 6′ self will be kicking my old ass!

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  22. Furry, I am a huge klutz, and I fall UP the stairs more often than I fall down them.
    I broke my toe falling up them once, but have only gotten bruises from falling down, so as far as I’m concerned, falling up the stairs is the more dangerous and scary of the two, so maybe your fear of it isn’t all that illogical?

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  23. Let’s see. In the same summer I watched a high school acquaintance die because we were water skiing and she fell into a swarming pit of water moccasins AND three weeks later I had to get out of the Gulf Stream because my boyfriend and I were three feet from a great white shark… So there’s THAT. I’ve been afraid to get in water in which I can’t see my feet ever since. But that’s not a phobia. My fear of falling UP the stairs? Yeah. Completely inexplicable. But I dream about it all the time.
    Oh, and my teeth bending out of my mouth at right angles.
    And car wrecks (I went through the windshield once). And my grandmother. I could go as her (the one who was nasty and wore her wig like a baseball cap and drew her lipstick up to her nose) but I’d spend the evening kicking my own ass every time I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.
    Duffylou, want to go as my grandmother? She was both old and an ass.

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  24. Let’s see. In the same summer I watched a high school acquaintance die because we were water skiing and she fell into a swarming pit of water moccasins AND three weeks later I had to get out of the Gulf Stream because my boyfriend and I were three feet from a great white shark… So there’s THAT. I’ve been afraid to get in water in which I can’t see my feet ever since. But that’s not a phobia. My fear of falling UP the stairs? Yeah. Completely inexplicable. But I dream about it all the time.
    Oh, and my teeth bending out of my mouth at right angles.
    And car wrecks (I went through the windshield once). And my grandmother. I could go as her (the one who was nasty and wore her wig like a baseball cap and drew her lipstick up to her nose) but I’d spend the evening kicking my own ass every time I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.
    Duffylou, want to go as my grandmother? She was both old and an ass.

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  25. Let’s see. In the same summer I watched a high school acquaintance die because we were water skiing and she fell into a swarming pit of water moccasins AND three weeks later I had to get out of the Gulf Stream because my boyfriend and I were three feet from a great white shark… So there’s THAT. I’ve been afraid to get in water in which I can’t see my feet ever since. But that’s not a phobia. My fear of falling UP the stairs? Yeah. Completely inexplicable. But I dream about it all the time.
    Oh, and my teeth bending out of my mouth at right angles.
    And car wrecks (I went through the windshield once). And my grandmother. I could go as her (the one who was nasty and wore her wig like a baseball cap and drew her lipstick up to her nose) but I’d spend the evening kicking my own ass every time I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.
    Duffylou, want to go as my grandmother? She was both old and an ass.

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  26. Acrophobia, that is my biggest fear. Don’t know how I could dress up as a ladder. Maybe carry stilts-cause there ain’t no way I would wear then!
    Sugar Mom, I vote for your idea of a “Phobia de jour” sandwich board costume. That would be a great way for Junie to highlight her fondest fears.
    BTW, you guys are crazy! I am wiping tears off here.

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  27. Clowns are okay with me. it’s those creepy ass balloons I hate. Aaacck! Balloons have that weird smell. They feel gross. And you know they are just fixing to pop and scare the beejeebers right out of you. Any second now! Now that my kids are big and I don’t have to deal with balloons I had completely forgotten about that.

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  28. The only thing I am phobic about is my teeth. All my life I have had dreams about falling forward and knocking my teeth out on the stairs or having them stuck in bubble gum or hard candy. At least that would be an easy costume.

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  29. I am afraid of ventriloquists dummies, but between Chuckie and Slappy, I’m really more amazed that everyone else isn’t!

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  30. I have a big fear of injuring my feet. The only reason I can think of is that scene from the movie Home Alone (I know) where Joe Pesci’s character steps on the nail. It may also be connected to the fact that my maternal granfather is missing one leg and the idea of not being able to walk terrifies me.

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  31. Well, let’s see. I have a fear of heights. Even climbing a step stool gives me palpitations. I have a fear of flying bugs. Grasshoppers, those big iridescent beetles, junebugs, will have me flailing my arms and screaming like a girl. And add snakes and zombies to my list.
    A nightmare for me would be to be trapped at the top of the Space Needle surrounded by snakes and flying bugs while zombies are advancing on me.

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  32. Well, let’s see. I have a fear of heights. Even climbing a step stool gives me palpitations. I have a fear of flying bugs. Grasshoppers, those big iridescent beetles, junebugs, will have me flailing my arms and screaming like a girl. And add snakes and zombies to my list.
    A nightmare for me would be to be trapped at the top of the Space Needle surrounded by snakes and flying bugs while zombies are advancing on me.

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  33. Well, let’s see. I have a fear of heights. Even climbing a step stool gives me palpitations. I have a fear of flying bugs. Grasshoppers, those big iridescent beetles, junebugs, will have me flailing my arms and screaming like a girl. And add snakes and zombies to my list.
    A nightmare for me would be to be trapped at the top of the Space Needle surrounded by snakes and flying bugs while zombies are advancing on me.

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  34. June – I think you should go as a giant barf-bag. You could have a group of huge spiders carrying ’70s pamphlet images of hypochondria coming out of the barf-bag. You might want to start working on the costume now though!
    Laura – for the Alzheimers you could go in your regular clothes because you forgot to dress up maybe…?
    Dawn in Austin – I always thought sitting in your car is the safest place to be in a lightening storm because the rubber in the tyres protect the lightening from grounding so it won’t hit you? I’m laughing to myself about the scorpions – brilliant!
    As for me – I think my worst fear is a 7 day working week! TFI Friday!

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  35. Spiders and clowns! *Shudder*
    This is a brilliant idea for a party.
    And hive five to you for not having thrown up in my lifetime (I was born in November 1982). Wish I could say the same for myself. I haven’t thrown up since Cinco de Mayo 2005, which isn’t nearly as great a track record.

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  36. You should make yourself a “phobia board”; like a design board that the Nester carries around, but instead of swatches of fabric and paint and wood, you’d have swatches of your fears: spiders, vomit, leprosy, cankles…just some new phobia ideas for you there.
    I think I would go as a giant alligator. Thanks to that 80s movie ‘Alligator’.

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  37. That looks like the berry lipstick from your Bye Bye, Buy archives. Where you’re holding the cabbage patch doll. What’s that? Why no, I’m not going through those archives at work, that’s ridiculous.

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  38. Old-Ass lady!
    Marvin’s a hoot!
    I would go as a mouse. I’m not afraid of very many things but let me find a mouse in the house. Hysterics doesn’t quite describe it.
    My husband, who also thinks he is a comedian, like to move all of my gardening supplies to the very back of the shed. We often have mice in the shed and I do not like to step foot into there. I like to lean in from outside and grab what I need. There is a whole drama when I have to go into the shed. First I kick the door and then stomp the floor to make any mice hide. Then I dart in and grab what I need. I then run backwards as fast as I can out of the shed. I can’t turn around because if I turn my back the mice will attack. I usually forget there is a bike (or 57), a dozen scooters, 47 balls and jump ropes laying on the floor and in my blind terror, I always trip on something while running backwards. My hubby thinks it’s the funniest thing.

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  39. Old-Ass lady!
    Marvin’s a hoot!
    I would go as a mouse. I’m not afraid of very many things but let me find a mouse in the house. Hysterics doesn’t quite describe it.
    My husband, who also thinks he is a comedian, like to move all of my gardening supplies to the very back of the shed. We often have mice in the shed and I do not like to step foot into there. I like to lean in from outside and grab what I need. There is a whole drama when I have to go into the shed. First I kick the door and then stomp the floor to make any mice hide. Then I dart in and grab what I need. I then run backwards as fast as I can out of the shed. I can’t turn around because if I turn my back the mice will attack. I usually forget there is a bike (or 57), a dozen scooters, 47 balls and jump ropes laying on the floor and in my blind terror, I always trip on something while running backwards. My hubby thinks it’s the funniest thing.

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  40. Old-Ass lady!
    Marvin’s a hoot!
    I would go as a mouse. I’m not afraid of very many things but let me find a mouse in the house. Hysterics doesn’t quite describe it.
    My husband, who also thinks he is a comedian, like to move all of my gardening supplies to the very back of the shed. We often have mice in the shed and I do not like to step foot into there. I like to lean in from outside and grab what I need. There is a whole drama when I have to go into the shed. First I kick the door and then stomp the floor to make any mice hide. Then I dart in and grab what I need. I then run backwards as fast as I can out of the shed. I can’t turn around because if I turn my back the mice will attack. I usually forget there is a bike (or 57), a dozen scooters, 47 balls and jump ropes laying on the floor and in my blind terror, I always trip on something while running backwards. My hubby thinks it’s the funniest thing.

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  41. Duffylou ~ “I guess I’d go ass an old lady”
    Dying!

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  42. Your barfing fear cracked me up! I had a recurring nightmare growing up. Not sure if it could be called a fear but I could not get gum out of my mouth. I would pull and pull and there would always be gum in my mouth. I mean like bubble yum gum. The big stuff. Yes, lets all diagnose that one shall we? I don’t chew gum now.

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  43. I have no idea how to dress like this, but I have a fear of swinging/suspension bridges. You know those cute, walking bridges that usually go over a stream, held in place by cables. They will reduce me to a blubbering idiot every time.
    When I was a kid, this fear also included docks and piers. I guess I was afraid I would slip through the cracks in the wood and end up in the water. Like that would ever happen.

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  44. I’m afraid of heights, but I have no idea how I’d dress as that.
    Hmmm.
    I’m also very afraid of flying in airplanes. (How else would I fly? DUHH!) Anyway, this does not bode well, as we are flying to London and then to Spain. There are many, many plane rides involved here and I’m not digging the idea of it. I have a twitch in my eye just thinking about it! Valium, anyone?

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  45. I have to say my top of the fear list is earthquakes. And I could no more come up with a costume to represent that than a man in the moon! I used to have lots of fears and phobias but this past year I turned 50. And somehow that was freeing. Hey, I made it 50 years! A half a century! I don’t worry about a lot of things that I used to. I don’t see the need. But I remember the 3 years where we lived in a prime earthquake zone, and the sheer terror of feeling everything moving and trying to find all the kids, dogs, cats, etc. And bam! it was over. So unsettling, that’s what it was.
    And Summer? My advice for now is to stay way far away from the Gulf of Mexico. It appears to be a giant vat of vinaigrette with no hope in sight.

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  46. I’m afraid of being old. And everything that goes along with being old.
    I guess I’d go ass an old lady.
    Or a bottle of Geritol.

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  47. I’m afraid of laryngitis, but I wouldn’t want to dress as a swollen larynx, because it would look naughty out of context. I’m also afraid of falling into a vat of oil, because you don’t float on oil; you sink. That freaks me out. I guess maybe I could dress as a bottle of corn oil?

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  48. I have a thing about disgusting, dirty, smelly public washrooms – and not finding a suitable stall – with a functioning toilet AND a door to do my business. How does one dress as such a thing?

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  49. Hehe – Marvin’s dressing as me…too funny! What ever happened to your night as a drag queen? Did we miss that? Dressing up made me think of it. Whatever phobia you decide to dress up will no doubt be a laugh a minute.

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  50. Wow, that’s a good one, Junie. When you decide we have to see photos.
    I am not afraid of the usual. Spiders and snakes and heights don’t even make me blink. I do have some odd fears, though.
    Public restrooms.
    The mullet haired lady with the mazillion kids who teaches her daughters their place in life is to serve their man and have babies for the Lord.
    People (usually foreigners) who violate the large boundaries of my personal space when it comes to strangers.
    Lady Gaga
    Men in speedos
    Velour
    Contracting alopecia (where all your hair falls out)
    Religious solicitors that bargain for your soul through the door to door salesman method.
    Line Dancing of any kind.
    I have many more, these are just the top of the iceberg.

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  51. Cool idea for a party! I, too, am vomitaphobic…or is it barfaphobic? And cockroaches give me some big heebee jeebees. But my biggest & most irrational fear is being bitten by a shark.
    Love the beach but I’m sure if I go out in water more than ankle deep, the sharks will come a callin’. I have video of Mr. Munroe taking our girls out in the surf when they were little, and you can hear me mumbling, “please don’t get bitten by a shark, please don’t get bitten by a shark”.
    It’s pathetic.

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  52. Cool idea for a party! I, too, am vomitaphobic…or is it barfaphobic? And cockroaches give me some big heebee jeebees. But my biggest & most irrational fear is being bitten by a shark.
    Love the beach but I’m sure if I go out in water more than ankle deep, the sharks will come a callin’. I have video of Mr. Munroe taking our girls out in the surf when they were little, and you can hear me mumbling, “please don’t get bitten by a shark, please don’t get bitten by a shark”.
    It’s pathetic.

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  53. Cool idea for a party! I, too, am vomitaphobic…or is it barfaphobic? And cockroaches give me some big heebee jeebees. But my biggest & most irrational fear is being bitten by a shark.
    Love the beach but I’m sure if I go out in water more than ankle deep, the sharks will come a callin’. I have video of Mr. Munroe taking our girls out in the surf when they were little, and you can hear me mumbling, “please don’t get bitten by a shark, please don’t get bitten by a shark”.
    It’s pathetic.

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  54. I’d have to dress as either a tornado or a tiger. I have this crazy obsessive fear of big cats. I can’t even go to the zoo. Don’t ask me where it started or why, I have no idea. I just know that I wake up from nightmares about lions and tigers roaming free and am drenched in a cold sweat! And the tornado thing, well, I live in tornado alley. Most people here are terrified.

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  55. I have an insane fear of breaking my nose (because it sounds so horrifically painful!!!), so I would come with a bandaged nose and bruising. Ouch! I’m getting the creeps just thinking about it!!! LOVE the party title & theme though.

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