Marvin and I are painting the living room today. How long do you give us before we file for divorce?
We do not do projects together well. I am very by the book. I like to follow the rules. Marvin? Is kind of loosey-goosey. "Good enough," he'll say.
See. I'm German. Is the thing. Good enough is not good enough for me. I'm a PROOFREADER, for God's sake. I like things to be all perfect.
I say one of us is flying to Reno by 6 p.m.
Anyway, yesterday we went to Lowe's — no, wait — Home Depot to buy paint. And why don't those stores just merge? They are exactly the same. Here in Greensboro, they're even on the same street, and you know what's disturbing? They are set up exactly opposite from each other. So at Lowe's, the gardening stuff is at the far left, and at Home Depot it's at the far right. And of course once you're inside those stupid places you forget which one you're in, then you get all screwed up when the gardening stuff isn't on the left.
So, I had a paint color in mind. Remember when I asked all y'all all all about what colors we should paint the living room, and so many of you wrote in with suggestions? I think one person said, "How about blue?" and then everyone else shot her down because our couch is blue.
I went with blue.
I didn't even intend to, but I went to the Nester's a few weeks ago, and her blue wall was so pretty I had to Single White Female her.
So I emailed her, and I said, "What is the paint color you used in that room with the plates?" and of course she knew. It was a Sherwin-Williams color.
"We have to go to Home Depot," Marvin said. "They're having a sale on paint." The Home Depot is way farther than stupid identical Lowe's, but okay. We went.
"Ooooo! Grills!" Marvin said when we got there. I steered him toward the paint. There were 870,432 kinds of paint, but guess what. GUESS WHAT. No Sherwin-Williams. Oh, I was sad. I had thought this was gonna be so easy. Now we had to look at paint samples and try to match the Nester's color. Crap. Because you know Marvin was not gonna go find not-on-sale Sherwin-Williams.
I am happy to report, however, that I quickly found a brand by someone called Behr that was pretty:
"I like this one," I told Marvin. "Okay," he said, not caring as long as the walls weren't pink. Which I also suggested. (As an aside, Marvin is taping off the doorbell right now and it keeps ringing and the dog's head is spinning backwards. Poor Talu.)
Then we went back to get the grizzly Behr paint, and it cost nine thousand dollars a can. "This kind is really expensive," he said. "I thought paint was on sale!" I moaned. "Not this kind, apparently," said Marvin, who owns 72 guitars that all cost a fortune.
So then I had to go back and look at stupid Martha Stewart colors, and Glidden colors, and I'm telling you, nothing compared to that paint sample above. It's been seven hours and sixteen days. Nothing compares to you. Behr paint.
Finally I said, "Let's go, then, and try to find Sherwin-Williams paint and see how much that is. Because now I am hooked on that Behr color and I don't want a second-choice color on my wall for the rest of my life."
As we were leaving the paint section of wherever the hell we were, Home Lowe's, there was a big display of Behr paint "REBATE ON BEHR! GRRR!" Okay, I added the "GRRR" part.
"Marvin. Which paint is on sale?"
"I have no idea," he said.
"You mean you dragged me all the way out here and wouldn't let me get the paint I wanted and you didn't even know THE PAINT I LIKED WAS THE SALE PAINT?"
So we schlepped back and got the Behr, and it would have been funny had we gotten brown paint, cause see, I could have said the brown Behr, and have you ever had them mix up color for you at the paint department at Lowe's Depot? Oh, it's so cool! They go up to the computer and scan your color and then put a bucket of white paint under a gun and colors just shoot out!
I spent an hour and a half discussing this process with the paint guy, and Marvin was so completely done with both of us he could have barfed. He was picking up paint stirrers and can openers and even looking at the Disney paints, he was so over us. I thought it was fascinating! They can color match any color at all. You bring in a color, and the computer shines pure white light on the color and picks up all the pigment and gets the color correct to like 24 thousandths or something.
I have fun wherever I go.
By the time we got home, Marvin said, "Could we start painting in the morning?" I said okay, and when I got up today here is what I found so far.
Stuff's gettin' taped up.
The curtains are down.
And Marvin is crank-crank-cranky. Think of a swear and I have already heard it today. And don't forget we have to take down three enormous bookshelves. Who enjoys me and my plans? Is it Marv?
I may be advertising for a roommate tomorrow. Must love half-painted blue walls.