I could not wait to get home and fix my bra straps. All day my left strap kept visiting my elbow, like they were long-lost friends who couldn't wait for a coffee klatch. Like they were Celie and Nettie in The Color Purple. You and me, us never part. Makidada. Stupid effing strap. I'm certain … Continue reading Makidada
At my new job, there are not one but two elaborate coffee machines. They make multiple flavors, brands and strengths of coffee, including Starbucks. Also too, the people in my department got pastries to celebrate my first day. So I am sorry to tell you I had real coffee today and also a chocolate croissant. … Continue reading Home from my first day. Well, not on the planet. Just my new job, I mean.
Last night, I was watching The Last American Virgin, which was a stupid high school movie that was originally in theaters when I was in high school, and at the time I thought it was a great movie, which just goes to show you that people in high school are idiots. I also have a … Continue reading Marvin and the middle
Last night, Marvin forced friends of ours to come over and watch a Rush documentary. I am not making this up. We took Tallulah to PetSmart and walked her up and down the aisles so she could pick out something chewy to keep her amused while guests were here. In truth, in the spirit of … Continue reading Tom Saw-yer stupid documentary
Crap. And also carp. I was gonna take a picture of myself with flared nostrils asking if you're still doing Jillian, but my camera battery just died. And by the way, the webcam thing on here broke like six months ago and Marvin refuses to fix it. If it were on HIS computer it'd be … Continue reading Esme or Wanda or Hermione
Apparently, you are all still interested in my hair, which just goes to show you there is no telling what will fascinate you people. We're coming up on hour 72 since I had said chemical straightening treatment, which means I can (a) wash it with the $9,000 shampoo they want me to use and (b) … Continue reading An update on the hair. Since y’all are obsessed.
Every once in awhile, a faithful reader will email me to tell me they had a dream about me, and they always offer the caveat that they are not a stalker. I do not know why they have to assure me of that, because it's not their fault what their subconscious does. Last night I … Continue reading June stalks a reader
I didn't even get dressed yet and I stampeded to the computer to show you my hair. Who's a good blogger? I was there for FIVE HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES. Seriously. I mean, I should have been coming out of that salon with new hips and the ability to speak Latin and maybe an entire … Continue reading The new June Gardens
Here it is! The day we've all been waiting for! And if you have your giant "June's Beauty Treatments" calendar next to your huge "June's Illnesses" calendar, you already know THIS IS THE DAY I GET THE OVERPRICED HAIR STRAIGHTENING TREATMENT! I barely slept all night. It was like Christmas Eve. Except under the tree … Continue reading In which June goes with the flow
You know what would be fantastic? Is if it didn't hurt to type. So what hurts on you today, those of you doing this ridiculous 30-day Shrek action? For me it's the tops of my arms and my neck. Because the part where she says we don't involve our necks in the ab work is … Continue reading Poppycock
Oh. My shattered arse. First of all, I take issue with the box. Who works out with a huge medallion like that? Is she Barry Gibb? She's gonna bean herself in the head. Plus, if you read the back of the box, it reads "own personal" at one point, which is a phrase I hate. … Continue reading So, I did Jillian Michaels. So to speak.
This morning Marvin and I went to a yard sale in our neighborhood. You know it's a bad sign when you go outside before 9:00 and the katydids are already chirping. Girl, it was hot. But we had three dollars in our pockets and we needed to spend it. Marvin took his new haircut. He … Continue reading Yard sale. Do you sell antiperspirant?
Okay, since so many people have already said they are into doing the 30-Day Shred veeedeo with me, here's what we'll do. Everyone try to get it this weekend. Then sometime between Sunday and Monday night, try to do the veedeo. And I promise eventually I will stop saying veeedeo. Also, if anyone wants to … Continue reading Shred. Which just kind of makes me hungry for hash browns.
My guaranteed-to-not-ride-up-underwear? Just rode up. And there is a metaphor for my whole life. I can't get my hair done today; I had to postpone it till Tuesday. We can't afford it. Technically, the money's in the bank, because I plundered my savings, but then we'd have nothing again. I invoiced all my proofreading clients … Continue reading What’s up my bum today
Today is my father's birthday. He is 84. Okay, no he isn't. I mean, I know lots of women my age have dads who are 84, but to me that is redunkulous. My parents dropped out of college to get married and I was born soon after, so they have always been what you'd call … Continue reading No sleep till…BROOKLYN!
Yesterday was Marvin's first day home from school. At 8:00 in the morning, he put on his shark head from our party Saturday, LEAPED onto the bed, and started biting at me. It's going to be a long summer. Do people have bail money? I'm just asking. For curiosity's sake. In the meantime, am trying … Continue reading It’s not Fahrenheit
Who had a giant piece of bruschetta in her pie hole when the call came to offer me that job, the place where they have Donkey Kong on the breakroom? Was it your gluttonous pal June? I had to spit it out onto a paper towel so I wouldn't sound like an idiot. "Hello?" I said … Continue reading Employed
I think I'm bad at friendships with women. My grandmother? The one I am turning into? Was bad with women. All her friends at work were men, with the exception of one woman, Gertie, who was African American and had grown up in the projects. I have thought that maybe because they grew up so … Continue reading Girls, they wanna have fun. Just not with me.
Man, I am hung.over. Woo! Okay, I don't drink. At most I am Cheerwined over. Do y'all not in the South know from Cheerwine? It is kind of Dr Pepper-y, without the pepper. So it's kind of cherry cola-y. Anyway, it's delish. I told someone last night I was sad to move to the South … Continue reading The after party
Annnnnnd the high today is 92. Because I'm having an outdoor party. In June. In the South. That's why.I hope no one is coming dressed as a bear. Unless it's like a gay man bear with assless chaps. Because at least then there'd be a cool breeze.We all worked like demons yesterday setting up Peg's … Continue reading June prepares for her “come as your biggest fear” party