Remember the other day? When Tallulah got a bath to wash all the mulberry stains off her fur?
Now she has given herself a mulberry eye. HOW did she manage to get it on her EYE, is what I want to know? She looks like Petey from The Little Rascals.
Look at her. She's so pleased with herself.
In other less stain-y news, I was thinking last night that I would have had a more interesting blog in the '80s and '90s, when I was single. I understand that blogs weren't invented yet, but you have no idea how chaotic and dramatic my single days were. There was never a time I was happily ensconced with someone. I either had a boyfriend and we were fighting all the time and I was throwing coffee on him, or I was meeting someone new and it was all torrid, or I was in the midst of a horrid breakup. Oh, I was interesting.
Now I'm all, oh. Look. There's Marvin again.
I do not know what to tell you. As soon as I met Marvin I calmed right down and got boring. We never have dramatic and wonderful fights. Well, one time he threw a bottle of wine in the bushes, but he hasn't given me permission to tell that story.
Plus also, I drank all.the.time. I was always waking up on some strange floor with a stolen street sign next to me and an inexplicably broken finger or something. Really. Trust me. You missed the best blog-potential days.
Now you get my dog and my mulberry tree.
Oh! But you DO get my new refrigerator magnet!
My friend Dottie got me this because she thought it was vaguely obscene. It is like a lederhosen blowup doll.
She got it in Frankenmuth, which is this German-themed tourist town in Michigan. Because did I mention everything is German in Michigan? So naturally we need a whole town dedicated to the part where we are all German. Anyway, they have German-themed restaurants and shops and gee-gaws such as the one above. Oh, and there is a glockenspiel that plays–oh dear. What does it play? My whole life I have insisted we stand there and watch that stupid glockenspiel. Maybe it's the Pied Piper? I think that's the story it shows. Wow.
When I drag people to Michigan, I always make them go to Frankenmuth. There is a Christmas store there called Bronners, and it is the largest Christmas store on earth. Dottie and I make a point of getting each other the ugliest ornament from Bronners that we can find in the catalog each year. One year she got me a Yoda head, and one year I sent her an outhouse. Those were the highlights.
Me, at Bronners in the '90s. See how much funnier I was? Not to mention that I wore magenta tights.
My Aunt Mary had somehow gone her whole life living in Michigan and had avoided Bronners, and it may have been me who made her go in, and she said, "This is IT?" She is the only person I know who was disappointed in it. She thought it'd be bigger. I mean, the place is huge. It is the Louvre of Christmas stores.
But the first time my Aunt Mary ever rode a ferry, she was really sad that it wasn't a fairy, but rather a large boat, so Aunt Mary kind of has grand expectations. Granted, she was like four at the time, but still.
I had better go work and stop droning on about Bronners, who at this point should be paying me, but I did want to slip in a confidential note to the fellow Rhodes Scholars who tune into the highly intellectual Real Housewives of New York. Cannot tell you how much Jill annoyed me when she asked Bethennnennnenneyyy, "Do you want to go to lunchhhhhh?" She dragged out the word "lunch" 50 feet. Irked. That said, Jill's hair was really pretty at Ramona's wedding.
Many of you will be lost re the paragraph above, and that is because you are not deep enough to grasp it. Fret not. We cannot all be patrons of this fine show. It takes a special breed. Of highly refined tastes.
Oh! Also! I love how Ramona's daughter is the normal one and Ramona is such an immature freak when the two of them are with each other.
Okay, done with this lofty talk. It's too intimidating to the average reader.