Friends · June's stupid life

And the winner is…

Gathering

“Fine! You two just keep each other’s asses warm while I do all the work! Somebody’s gotta stay on the lookout for Carin.”

…Joann, with her pithy and also mean-to-Carin comment. (In case you didn’t know, Carin is a commenter who was mean to me once, and everyone’s been picking on her ever since. I have not discouraged this, because I’m 12.)

Send me your address, Joann, so I can get that bacon air freshener and inflatable fruitcake to you forthwith!

And thank you all for playing. You all rocked out with your comments out yesterday.

In other news, what busyness? Good gravy.  I have a book due Monday, a book due Thursday, a deposition due today, and I am throwing a giant party tomorrow with my neighbor, so all morning we have been schlepping chairs and tables and food and blowup dolls and heroin and hookah pipes and go-go cages and dead horses and shovels for the cocaine and Mick Jagger and rose-petal-covered mattresses for the swinging portion of the evening.

It’s gonna be some party.

And what is with people not knowing the meaning of “RSVP”? I mean, I understand if you do not know the actual French meaning (and how much does it irk me when people write “please RSVP”? Because guess what. “RSVP” stands for “please respond” ), but could you ACTUALLY TELL ME if you are coming to my party or not?Almost no one has told me, so it’s like, do I buy 20 big bottles of Coke or two? Do I buy 80 kilos of horse or eight?

I don’t even know what “horse” is. I just know it’s a kind of drug.

Did I ever tell you about in high school when my best friend and I ended up at a burnout party somehow, and my best friend had on alligator earrings, like Izod alligator earrings, and we could not have fit in less? We were nervous, so we started talking loudly about all the drugs we were on. My best friend said, “I just took a tall boy. I am effed UP!”

We had no idea a tall boy was a beer. We thought it was a kind of pill. Did I mention her alligator earrings?

Somehow we lived, and here I am telling you about it. One other time we took a cruise on a boat, like literally a three-hour cruise, thinking it would be a great way to try to buy drinks, and it was. No one thought a couple of 17-year-olds would go on an evening dinner cruise. We were enjoying the pina coladas and thinking we were the shizz, but my best friend kept complaining about her feet. Her FEET felt funny. I ignored her, so happy was I to be drinking on a boat, even if we were jamming out to Spinning Wheel, but finally after the 12th complaint I looked down.

She had her shoes on the wrong feet.

Perhaps she had taken too many tall boys.

Okay, I have to go. I have to read 29384784283 pages before Marvin gets home, because once he does, we have to set up tents and lights for the party. Plus I have to set up the guest bedroom for The Village People.

Talk at you.

48 thoughts on “And the winner is…

  1. My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and we still haven’t sent thank-you cards. And before you judge, I have a very good reason: for the first year of our marriage, we were so poor we couldn’t afford the luxury of buying 200+ cards, envelopes, and stamps.
    (I’m serious. We were so broke, that on two separate occasions, we didn’t even have enough money to buy toilet paper. We had to ask our friends for a few roles.) If it wasn’t a necessity, we didn’t dare even think about it.
    He promised me we would send them, along with a picture of us, for our second anniversary, which is coming up next month. I’m holding him to it.

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  2. And JUNE, I am BEYOND INSULTED that you are planning a party and have mentioned neither HOOKERS nor BLOW.
    In other news, I have no personal knowledge, but I believe heroin is melted or heated or whatever in a spoon and then injected. There is my primetime tv drug education in a nutshell.
    And, btw, all your ads are for drug abuse, rehab, etc. I think you may have changed your target demographic.

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  3. And JUNE, I am BEYOND INSULTED that you are planning a party and have mentioned neither HOOKERS nor BLOW.
    In other news, I have no personal knowledge, but I believe heroin is melted or heated or whatever in a spoon and then injected. There is my primetime tv drug education in a nutshell.
    And, btw, all your ads are for drug abuse, rehab, etc. I think you may have changed your target demographic.

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  4. And JUNE, I am BEYOND INSULTED that you are planning a party and have mentioned neither HOOKERS nor BLOW.
    In other news, I have no personal knowledge, but I believe heroin is melted or heated or whatever in a spoon and then injected. There is my primetime tv drug education in a nutshell.
    And, btw, all your ads are for drug abuse, rehab, etc. I think you may have changed your target demographic.

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  5. Congrats, Joanne!
    I must admit I go overboard with the thank you notes and RSVP. It really toasts my ovaries (I still have the twins!) when people don’t RSVP or send a proper thank you. WTF YOU EFFING RUDE BASTARDS? UGH.
    I will admit, however, that I plan my verbal RSVP for when the person is least likely to be at home so that I can leave a gracious message. “Hi, Husband’s Aunt Fanny, this is H&B. I’m so sorry we can’t come to the foot scraping you are hosting on day/date, but we have a prior engagement. We will be thinking of you on your special day yada yada blah blah.”
    (Oh, and “prior engagement” means “your house smells like festering monkey urine and I’d rather DIE THEN COME OVER EVER and I hope the next time I have to see you is at your wake, you old hag.”)
    See? It’s easy to be polite!

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  6. Congrats, Joanne!
    I must admit I go overboard with the thank you notes and RSVP. It really toasts my ovaries (I still have the twins!) when people don’t RSVP or send a proper thank you. WTF YOU EFFING RUDE BASTARDS? UGH.
    I will admit, however, that I plan my verbal RSVP for when the person is least likely to be at home so that I can leave a gracious message. “Hi, Husband’s Aunt Fanny, this is H&B. I’m so sorry we can’t come to the foot scraping you are hosting on day/date, but we have a prior engagement. We will be thinking of you on your special day yada yada blah blah.”
    (Oh, and “prior engagement” means “your house smells like festering monkey urine and I’d rather DIE THEN COME OVER EVER and I hope the next time I have to see you is at your wake, you old hag.”)
    See? It’s easy to be polite!

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  7. Congrats, Joanne!
    I must admit I go overboard with the thank you notes and RSVP. It really toasts my ovaries (I still have the twins!) when people don’t RSVP or send a proper thank you. WTF YOU EFFING RUDE BASTARDS? UGH.
    I will admit, however, that I plan my verbal RSVP for when the person is least likely to be at home so that I can leave a gracious message. “Hi, Husband’s Aunt Fanny, this is H&B. I’m so sorry we can’t come to the foot scraping you are hosting on day/date, but we have a prior engagement. We will be thinking of you on your special day yada yada blah blah.”
    (Oh, and “prior engagement” means “your house smells like festering monkey urine and I’d rather DIE THEN COME OVER EVER and I hope the next time I have to see you is at your wake, you old hag.”)
    See? It’s easy to be polite!

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  8. Rudeness abounds these days. It must be something in the water. I’m a big believer in RSVPs, thank you cards (and cards in general), and offering to help with food/drinks if needed.
    I feel your pain Joann. Our wedding was planned as a nice adults only evening event at an uppity golf course. Some people just opted to bring their kids anyway and those that didn’t bitched all night about how their kids weren’t invited. Sorry GUESTS if we didn’t want your “adorable” kids at OUR event. /rant

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  9. Mary, that is AWESOME. What a crazy grandma.
    Thirdly, I don’t care if I get a thank you card from people. The only reason I sent out thank you cards for my wedding was so that I wouldn’t be the subject of discussion for comments just like these!!

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  10. My dental hygienist told me a great RSVP story: Prior to her wedding, she suddenly started receiving will/will not attend cards that weren’t the same as the ones she’d sent out. Turns out that her grandmother BOUGHT HER OWN INVITATIONS and mailed them out to her friends.
    That story made me feel better about my MIL who verbally invited every acquaintance she ran into…AFTER our invitations had been sent out. Can you say, “blood pressure spike”?

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  11. Failing to send a sincere thank you note is the ultimate rudeness, especially when someone spends their time and money to shop just for you! The second most rudeness (I know that’s bad grammar) is failing to RSVP. Ditto, I hate e-vites. And another thing, I don’t consider an e-mail as a thank you, I’m looking for a handwritten, US Postal Service sent note. I’ll get off my soap box.

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  12. I WON! I WON! I don’t win anything, HULK, ever! Yay!!!!
    Sorry to be tardy to the partay. I have had this awful, awful headache all day that I can’t shake. I’ve never had a migraine, so maybe I’m feeling like 1/16th of what you migraine people feel and I can’t imagine that.
    Bacon air freshener will be great for this house of dog smell. I spend my days sniffing the air and carpets, obsessively thinking I smell anything dog.
    And if we’re talking about RSVP, I have a rude story of the opposite. I had a girl at my office I didn’t know very well, RSVP to my wedding when she hadn’t even been invited! Just told me she was coming. When I politely tried to tell her it was a fancy affair with sit down dining and that my hubs and I were paying for it ourselves and we just couldn’t afford to invite anyone else, she told me she wouldn’t be a hindrance. I figured that meant she wasn’t coming. Not only did she show up, she brought her baby and wheeled that baby in its stroller into the bridal room where I was getting ready! As a nervous bride, I almost had a stroke. She then handed me my wedding gift wrapped in newspaper. I am not kidding you. She gave us a silver plated candy dish with the price tag still left on the bottom of $1.99. I know it’s the thought that counts, but her thoughtfulness almost sent me over the edge on my wedding day.

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  13. Ah Cosmos…now I get it.
    See, I have never needed those, so I didn’t know what they were.
    You hear me God? NE. VER.

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  14. I was robbed, ROBBED, I say, of that inflatable fruit cake. Who’s a gracious loser? Not I.
    Joanne, you HAVE to post a picture of your fabulous prizes.
    Any party that has go-go cages and blowup dolls is a party I want to attend. Nothing says, “shindig” like go-go cages and blowup dolls. Dead horses, on the other hand, not so much.
    Call me old fashioned (“Hi, Old Fashioned!”) but I hate e-vites. Hate. Them.
    As for Rsvp’s, people just don’t get it. I don’t know how many times I’d send out invitations and not receive any rsvp’s. I’ve canceled events because as far as I knew, nobody was coming and of course the invitees are all “What! Why? You KNEW I’d come!” Yeah, because I’m such a mind reader.
    When my nephew was married, there wasn’t a pre-printed “Will/Will Not attend” included with the invitation so I hand wrote a “…accepts with pleasure…” rsvp and mailed it. Turns out I was the only person to rsvp to the wedding. All the other guest had to be called to find out if they were coming.

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  15. I tried very hard for us to write thank you notes. I made my husband name what they gave us, and make it personable.
    My sister in law was the bridezilla from hell. I actually memorized her thank you card, which I’m sure was verbatim on every single one.
    “Thank you for coming to our wedding. Thank you for spending my special day with me.”
    Thank you for spending MY special day with ME. Glad she decided to have that guy up there with her to make it seem presentable.

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  16. Pffffft. The Man’s son and daughter-in-law were married four years ago. I bought them a pretty impressive shower present and I paid for the rehearsal dinner.
    I long ago stopped holding my breath for the thank you. I don’t talk to them any longer. Well maybe in passing. I have removed myself from The Man’s family events.

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  17. Pffffft. The Man’s son and daughter-in-law were married four years ago. I bought them a pretty impressive shower present and I paid for the rehearsal dinner.
    I long ago stopped holding my breath for the thank you. I don’t talk to them any longer. Well maybe in passing. I have removed myself from The Man’s family events.

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  18. Pffffft. The Man’s son and daughter-in-law were married four years ago. I bought them a pretty impressive shower present and I paid for the rehearsal dinner.
    I long ago stopped holding my breath for the thank you. I don’t talk to them any longer. Well maybe in passing. I have removed myself from The Man’s family events.

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  19. Dear jenmar10,
    I went to 2 wedding showers this weekend (for the same couple… it’s a long story) and actually received 2 thank you cards in the mail on Tuesday. It’s like they immediately went home and started writing thank you notes. And they actually wrote something funny & meaningful related to the presents we got them! I was super impressed.

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  20. I’m one of those people who doesn’t RSVP to say no, because I usually don’t have a good excuse for not being able to go. It’s like I feel bad for refusing the invitation, but somehow don’t ever think about it being much more unacceptable to not respond.
    All this to say, if no one’s responded to your invitation, it’s probably because nobody’s coming. I’d go for the 2 bottles of coke. But to be safe, I’d buy 4 kilos of horse. Because one can never have too much horse.

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  21. I’m really stoked about my niece’s wedding next week in Atlanta.
    I live outside of the Cleveland area as do most of my immediate family, including the bride’s mother. My niece lives in Nashville. The RSVP request was only if you could not attend. Not a lot of my family is attending. Do you think they responded? But because of the problems the postal service had with mail during the floods in Nashville, my sister ended up emailing and calling people for their responses. Talk about awkward.

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  22. I don’t know what all that means, dawn. Please explain.
    I’m still pissed about the f***ing contest I got jobbed out of…

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  23. Forget RSVPs — you have to hunt people down in the jungle to get a yes or no, for Pete’s sake! — the real shame is the forgotten thank-you card. Seriously? I gave you $50 for that dry chicken and crumbly wedding cake. Somebody had better hit me up with a piece of real mail.
    Is it wrong to bitch about how people have no respect when I’m still in my 20s? Maybe I should go get a walker with tennis balls on the bottom, and then I could kvetch all I want.

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  24. Yay for Joann! Her pups are gonna love the smell of bacon wafting through the house.
    Yes, what fear did you decide to be?
    Don’t know anything about horse or anything else. Took a blue pill one time in my teens. It made me throw up (sorry June!) so I’ve been too scared to take anything ever since.
    Ooh! I could go as a blue pill. But wait, then Hulk would think I was “that” blue pill and think I was scared of …you know. But I’m not. Scared of ..you know, that. Just drugs.

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  25. Popping pills was really popular when I was in middle school, and everyone was always talking about those yellow jackets. They make you HIGH! I took a yellow jacket and thought my heart might explode. Up until a few months ago when my husband told me what a yellow jacket actually is and that you can buy it in stores, I still thought I had taken some drug. What trashy middle school?

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  26. Do you know how many people responded to our wedding invitation, June? Do you know how many? The wedding invitation had THREE different ways of RSVPing, I am not kidding. It said “Please RSVP by email to this address, mailing to this address, or calling this number.” One person called me, RSVPing for two. One hundred people showed up.
    You know what I’ve heard, though? People seem to respond better to evites. Because we hate actually talking to people now.

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  27. Congrats, Joann! bacon air freshener for everyone!
    And horse is heroine, June. Because I had a wild decade in my twenties. It used to get snorted. And then the person foamed at the mouth. Charming. I don’t know what they do with it now that I am old and survived.
    How did they ever serve your friend drinks with her wardrobe malfunction going on there?

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  28. Congrats, Joann! bacon air freshener for everyone!
    And horse is heroine, June. Because I had a wild decade in my twenties. It used to get snorted. And then the person foamed at the mouth. Charming. I don’t know what they do with it now that I am old and survived.
    How did they ever serve your friend drinks with her wardrobe malfunction going on there?

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  29. Congrats, Joann! bacon air freshener for everyone!
    And horse is heroine, June. Because I had a wild decade in my twenties. It used to get snorted. And then the person foamed at the mouth. Charming. I don’t know what they do with it now that I am old and survived.
    How did they ever serve your friend drinks with her wardrobe malfunction going on there?

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