Who had a giant piece of bruschetta in her pie hole when the call came to offer me that job, the place where they have Donkey Kong on the breakroom? Was it your gluttonous pal June?

I had to spit it out onto a paper towel so I wouldn't sound like an idiot.

"Hello?" I said smoothly, like I was sitting around writing a paper on Proust instead of sitting in front of the computer reading my blog comments, a giant loaf of bread on my lap balanced on top of a bowl of chopped tomatoes. Thank goodness that whole video phone thing from the Jetsons never really took off.

"Hello, June, it's Mr. X, your new boss from the really cool company with a giant picture of a fire hydrant on the wall at the restroom area."

Okay, he didn't say all that, but his name really is Mr. X. Okay, it isn't, but guess who has a new name on my blog without knowing it?

"So, we all loved you," he said. "What do you think, come in tomorrow? That reasonable?"

"Or how about now?" I said. It was 5:10 and there was a monsoon outside.

"Yeah! Get in the car! Good night for driving!"

Okay, I love Mr. X. Anyway, it'll be good to be employed, seeing as we currently have eleven dollars. No, really. Eleven. Drinks on me! As long as they're drinks from the puddle in my driveway.

"Do you have any questions, by the way?" he wondered. "Well, I noticed people dressed in a variety of ways," I said. "What're the rules?"

"No bare midriffs, no torn clothes. Other than that, anything is fine."

Darn. I was so gonna wear my torn Metallica tshirt that exposed my firm midriff on day one.

When you first walk into the lobby of my NEW JOB, on the wall is everyone's childhood photo. They aren't framed photos, they have somehow made it, like, part of the wall. Naturally I chose my childhood photo days ago in case they called.


I particularly enjoy my nice jacket/pants combination and the part where apparently some of my intestine is coming out, there, on the right. This is a slide, but I am hoping it'll work for however they make it part of the wall.

Do you like how I am concentrating on this and not, say, the part where they use AP Style at this job and I haven't used AP Style since we were all laughing at that funny Alf? And having to literally write "login" to get on our computers? Do you like how I'm not, say, brushing up on that? No. Instead I gotta get my picture ready.


I was also wildly tempted to use this nice shot, where apparently my parents gave me a Lemonhead or something. But I figure they'll have plenty of time to figure out my hair has always been a mystery. Why lead with it with a baby pic?

Oh, and by the way, I used the category "proofreading" for this post, but I am officially a copy editor at this job. Thank you. I know the difference means a lot to all of you. Perhaps we should all go look at my baby hairdo again. Probably makes more sense than knowing the difference between a proofreader and a copy editor.

Anyway, yay!!


107 thoughts on “Employed

  1. Overcoming my first-time-comment self-consciousness to add my congratulations. (I’ve only been reading for a few months but I have to say I’ve really been drawn in by your writing, and this recent suspense has sealed the deal. It’s been a long time since I’ve asked my husband to read a blog excerpt, but the way you describe Marvin’s quirks had us laughing. My husband is a totally good guy too but he has a sometimes maddeningly passive way of controlling an outcome.


  2. Congrats on the JOB!!! Whoo, hoo!!! Here’s hoping they give you every single penny you deserve! (And I love the baby pics! So cute!)


  3. Congratulations on the new job AND getting the salary you wanted. You must a very good negotiator. Does this mean Tulu is going back to day care? That will mean the cats will be home alone. I bet Fran HATES that.


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