In which June goes with the flow

Here it is! The day we've all been waiting for! And if you have your giant "June's Beauty Treatments" calendar next to your huge "June's Illnesses" calendar, you already know THIS IS THE DAY I GET THE OVERPRICED HAIR STRAIGHTENING TREATMENT!

I barely slept all night. It was like Christmas Eve. Except under the tree was uninsane hair.

I guess "uninsane" isn't really a word. But who cares? I'm gonna have straight smooth hair like Janis the muppet!

Janicemuppet

Were they making fun of Janis Joplin with the Janis muppet? Except Janis Joplin had wavy hair.

Did I ever tell you the summer I was 16 I was obsessed with getting a scratchy voice like Janis Joplin's, so I kept drinking Southern Comfort and screaming? I am not making this up.

Hi, mom.

I thought it worked for her, it would surely work for me. Have you met my helium voice? It did not. I did get early onset cirrhosis, though.

Speaking of which, I went to my headache clinic for my several hours of medical prodding yesterday. Oh, it was the best time ever. Almost as good as getting one's hair straightened. They took FOUR TUBES of blood to test me for just everything.

If I find out I am not dying, I start the experimental drugs at my next, you know, girl time. When I check into the Red Roof Inn. When Miss Scarlett comes home to Tara. You get my drift.

And believe it or not, each month that I take this drug (I take it for six months), I have to take a PREGNANCY TEST before I start. I am going to be 45 in July, and measures have been taken. Trust me. But okay. They're being safe. This is a new drug and they don't want to muck things up. Actually it isn't a new drug. It has been used for heart patients and now they think it'll work on menstrual migraines. I mean, migraines for when I'm playing in a ragtime band.

Okay, I'll stop.

So they supplied me with a pregnancy test for this month.

Test

Who's mature? I giggled at this for 85 minutes.

I hope I never, ever get pregnant, as my child would be more grown up than me at about 18 months.

When the nurse was questioning me, I think I scared her. "When did you first get diagnosed with migraines?" she asked.

"March 17, 1995," I said. I remember it was St. Patrick's Day. Plus I am an idiot savant about dates. I saw she just wrote down "1995."

There is a 33% chance I got placebos, and when she handed me my drugs I had this overwhelming feeling that's what I got. She does not know if they are placebos, either. It is a double-blind test. Also, she gave me a card to put in my wallet, so if I am ever in a horrid accident and incapacitated, the card gives a number to call and they will "unblind" me–that was the term she used–so they can save my life without drug interactions.

It's all so complicated!

Anyway, none of this matters because I am about to go get my hair straight. I took a before picture for you and tomorrow you will have an after picture. Gives you a reason to get out of bed, doesn't it? Maybe it you're lucky I'll put that pee picture back up, too. Maybe I'll just make it my masthead. Ooo! Tshirts!

Okay, here's my before shot.

 

Whitefro1

See. You knew I'd have to do something dumb first, didn't you?

Okay. Here we go. My before shot.

For reals.

Test

heee-heeee….

 

Before
Sadly, this is not a joke. Here it is. In all its glory. Marvin said, "What if I don't like your hair straight?" I reminded him he's been dealing with THIS hair for 14 years. Could it really look worse?

 

Sadlu

While I was taking this shot, I noticed Tallulah looked sad. Perhaps she wishes I'd spend that money on something for her. Or at least make the bed. For the record, it WAS made and she messed it up making her nest like she does.
Caseofhenry

This bed was actually unmade, though, when Marvin plopped his guitar case on it and Henry flumped right in.

Howcanthatbecomfy

Cats. Going everywhere stupid to sleep that it is possible to go.

Test

Speaking of going…

Okay! Show you my STRAIGHT HAIR tomorrow!!

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

54 thoughts on “In which June goes with the flow”

  1. You know, i really really like your curly hair. But then, i’ve had straight as a stick hair all my life. Well, except when i got it permed, a time or two.
    Super giggle on this post.

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  2. Your hair looks very pretty in the Talu shot. But I’m a fellow curly hair sufferer and I can understand the desire to straighten. Can’t wait to see it tomorrow!

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  3. I have always thought that the Janis Muppet looks like “Daisy” from “Rock of Love” and “Daisy of Love” or whatever her show was called. Yes, I do watch all the sophisticated VH1 shows. I am classy like that.
    I agree with the other commenters, I think your hair looks very pretty. I have curly hair myself and understand the need for straightening it, I cannot wait to see the results!
    Very funny post today, made me start my day out with a smile. I would say a giggle, but I shredded last night and am sore. I did take a Magnesium supplement in the evening, it does seem to help with the soreness a bit.

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  4. Once, when my son was in 6th grade, his teacher told him a preposition was “anywhere a cat could go” and they had to bring a picture. He took it literally and brought in pictures of our cat in the sink, under the bed, on the shelf, in the suitcase, in the cupboard, on the refrigerator, inside a house slipper, and many others.
    Henry could be in a text book.

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  5. I wonder how many times today you’ll run your fingers through your hair? I wonder how many times you’ll find youself bending over just to experience flipping your hair? I wonder if all in a matter of a few minutes you’ll try a side part, middle part or possibly a zig-zag part of your hair? Are you excited to be able to toss brushes and picks away in exchange for combs?!?! You can laugh in the face of humidity today! Enjoy!!

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  6. I am a fellow immature person. My kids are 16 and 21 now and are far more mature than me. They say “What are you, ten?” to me all the time, and I always answer “I’m not ten, I’m thirteen!”
    Enjoy your straight hair!

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  7. Seems to me that folks should be happy simply to have hair without being so concerned about the peripherals. Hair today, gone tomorrow.
    Good luck with getting straight AND properly medicated.

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  8. Can’t wait to see you in your new hair….sounds very glamorous. I am in between curly and straight – it’s just annoyingly wavy. Blah.

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  9. I am ready for the after picture already! I hope you just love it. I would do it to my hair in a skinny minute except I’m too lazy to mess with the new growth as it comes in curly.

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  10. I can’t wait to see. My hair is especially curly today; I think it is rebelling in jealousy against your hair being professionally chemically straightened. Stupid jealous hair of mine.

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  11. When I was a kid I wanted dimples like my Grandma Marion has. She told me that if I cut up lemons, dipped them in sugar and then sucked on them that I would get dimples.
    Nice advice. First all the enamel came off my teeth from the lemons and then my teeth fell out from the sugar. I was left with no dimples and dentures.
    Not really! But it COULD have happened. Crazy what we do as kids!
    And on that diagram, is that supposed to be a stream of pee coming out of that woman’s crotchal area? SO funny!

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  12. My hair isn’t curly enough – or straight enough – to be cute. Just dowdy wavy. So post a picture of your new hair when you get home – don’t wait until tomorrow. We want to see your wonderful straight hair today!

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  13. Well I haven’t had a visit from Aunt Flo in 25 years and still get hormone migraines. Hey the Red River dried up and blew away when I was 25 yet the migraines persisted. I mean how do you explain not having the bloody mary morning and still having hormones? Ok I’ll stop.

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  14. I hope you get the drug and not the placebo. I take a Beta blocker for my stupid overachiever heart rate. Not only do I feel pretty great but also? My “hormone headaches” (that’s code for menstrual migraine) have gone away!

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  15. Way to get that crotch shot in there three times! You rock!
    Hope you love the hair…can’t wait to see it!
    I am in a hotel lobby (you would think this hoity toity hotel would have free wifi in room but NO!) and they think I am delusional laughing and snorting in the corner over here.

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  16. Oh, where to begin?
    As you may or may not know, we are expats, so my kids go to French schools. And, as part of the standard elementary year, they get a rather thorough check-up. We did in school, too, but it was evaluating who lad a speech impediment and eyes and hearing tests. Not examining the creases on the back of our knees to determine if our legs were of equal length. And certainly NOT providing a urine sample. They sent home little test tubes with instructions that this might be best accomplished in the shower. As the sample wasn’t due back until after a short vacation, this provided endless amusement at our house.
    Because we are all of us juvenile boys. Even those of us over 45 and the girls.
    I have gone back to swimming now. Which means lots of napping. I am trying to alternate days between swimming and riding my bike. But yesterday I was too tired.

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  17. I was thinking about your hair last night, with all sorts of anticipation and excitement. I can’t wait to see the after pictures!!

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  18. I had a friend who used to call being on her period being on “the bean”. I realized no one else said that after repeating it a bunch. Now my husband says is, but I don’t tell him no one else does. I’m hoping someday he says it to someone else and they make fun of him. Am I a bad wife?

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  19. I got the overpriced hair straightening treatment today too! You have no idea how disgusting you are going to feel before they let you wash it out. Enjoy!

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  20. I love that diagram so much and the fact that you flashed it at us every single second.
    Good luck with the hair, even though I don’t think you need to straighten it. I’m so jealous of your big, beautiful, curly hair. It is your crowning glory.
    We call that time of the month around these parts, “It’s never too early in the day for a cocktail.” 3 teenaged girls. 3 cycles at the same time. 3 drama queens making our life on those days, a living hell.

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  21. On the day you got your first migraine diagnosis, I was having an amnio. For my perfect child whose hair can be made to look like the young man with the ‘fro even though my hair is stick straignt and dh’s is now just a memory.
    Hope you are happy with your hair procedure!

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  22. Maybe this is TMI but how can it be after this post of yours? Anyway, I recently realized that I am not a normal person for two weeks out of the month. One week I’m crazy kill you for looking at me sideways and the next I’m weepy and I’ll cry if you look at me frontways.
    I don’t think this is fair.
    I think I need a miracle drug. Maybe I should just get pregnant, then I can keep an even keel of crazy for a whole nine months. Normal schmormal.

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  23. regular joann. yeah, i mentioned around my husband once about not having pms while pregnant. he said “yeah, it’s just straight 9 months of pms.”
    so there.

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  24. Day 2 of Shred and I want to punch Jillian in the mouth.
    I used to be on Yaz birth control. After about a month I called the women’s doctor and asked if it was normal to be homicidal while on it because I was seriously going to kill someone. They had me switch drugs shortly thereafter. It was probably for the best. Being a woman is hard.

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  25. I’m still waiting for my copy of the Shred to get here, but in the meantime I thought I should do SOMETHING, so I totally kicked my butt doing Dance Dance Revolution last night. Turns out I’m way more out of shape than I thought, and I’m terrified of Jillian.

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  26. Bethenny on RHoNY peed on her stick on tv. I trust you will spare us that indignity.
    I can’t even imagine this hair straightening thing. My hair was straight for my whole life, now it curls when it’s wet/gets rained on. But there’s not enough of it to risk a chemical treatment. I’d be scared.

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  27. Bethenny on RHoNY peed on her stick on tv. I trust you will spare us that indignity.
    I can’t even imagine this hair straightening thing. My hair was straight for my whole life, now it curls when it’s wet/gets rained on. But there’s not enough of it to risk a chemical treatment. I’d be scared.

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  28. Bethenny on RHoNY peed on her stick on tv. I trust you will spare us that indignity.
    I can’t even imagine this hair straightening thing. My hair was straight for my whole life, now it curls when it’s wet/gets rained on. But there’s not enough of it to risk a chemical treatment. I’d be scared.

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  29. My joining in on the SHRED has been sidelined by my new BFF, the STREP. WTH? I am a grown woman and I have step throat. Isn’t that for little kids? So anyway, don’t you all go and get, like, ripped and such without me. I will be shredding as soon as I stop strepping.

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  30. That pee diagram looks like a crime scene chalk drawing giving itself an enema.
    I bought the book by Jillian Michaels – Master Your Metabolism – and almost 200 pages into serious small print about all the hormones humans can possibly have and fretting about the toxins we are all sure to die from – it turns out the secret is meat. Eat meat at all meals. I’m a vegetarian. There goes $27.00. I knew I should’ve stuck to the video which I watch as a video and not as a tool for weigh loss.

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  31. I really miss more frequent comments by Paula H&B. Did she move? Also, I like your hair curly too. I don’t believe in all the chemical treatments. Go natural. Avoid the oil spill in your life as much as you can control it. I can’t wait to see your picture though. Love you.

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  32. “Avoid the oil spill in your life as much as you can control it.”
    Mother is on to something here…t shirts, mugs, bumper stickers. I’m stealing this quote!

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  33. My sister has the curly hair and I always envied it. Sis keeps her hair very short now. Her daughter, my godchild has the same curly hair – and it’s beutiful, but Hannah hates it too… When humid I get a bit of that craziness going on and frustrating for me – but seems if you always have curly would be cool! Oh, btw, my cat Pete – fat cat – somehow fit his body into the smallest box ever – I woke up to find him sleeping in a box I think a handcuff was shipped in.. well maybe a pair – and Roxy (skinny little cat) was sleeping next to him on the floor.

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  34. Yes, June’s Mother, I’ve moved! How nice of you to remember! (I may never recover from the disarray and disorganization from the move.) And I agree with Jules, that is a great quote. We need it on some BBP swag.

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  35. Yes, June’s Mother, I’ve moved! How nice of you to remember! (I may never recover from the disarray and disorganization from the move.) And I agree with Jules, that is a great quote. We need it on some BBP swag.

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  36. Yes, June’s Mother, I’ve moved! How nice of you to remember! (I may never recover from the disarray and disorganization from the move.) And I agree with Jules, that is a great quote. We need it on some BBP swag.

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