June stalks a reader

Every once in awhile, a faithful reader will email me to tell me they had a dream about me, and they always offer the caveat that they are not a stalker. I do not know why they have to assure me of that, because it’s not their fault what their subconscious does.

Last night I had a dream I spent the night at Faithful Reader Paula H&B’s house, and her cat Simon slept in the bed with me. With his cross-eyed Siamese self.

This is only the second time I have had a blog dream. The other one was when I dreamed you all wanted me to wear a onesie and put a picture of it up and I did it. I preferred the one where I got to sleep with Simon.

How overly involved with my faithful readers am I that I know the breeds of their cats?

Of course, I know the breeds of the pets of everyone at my grocery store, gas station, doctor’s office, FEDEX! office, and so forth. The names of their kids? Pfft.

Speaking of pets, my dead pet Ruby’s lilies bloomed!

Rubyslilies

Not that Ruby rose from the dead and did a little gardening. Which would be nice because that back yard is a mess. Rather, this is where she is buried and I planted a lily there to commemorate her black fuzzy self. And the lily finally bloomed.

Lily

I found one that had red in it for Ruby. And it’s pretty, like she was. And it took awhile to open up, like she did. Perhaps this flower will come in and pee on the carpet, too.

And speaking of our back yard, the guy next door used to rent his house, and we kind of had a parade of fools living there since we moved in. First there was the single mom who had two kind of bizarre kids. They were super-intelligent and I liked them, but they said the weirdest, most not-kid things. Of course now that I am telling you about them I can’t think of a single example. Let’s just say there was never an “I’m rubber you’re glue” emanating from either kids’ lips.

This woman also had two kittens who she let run hither and yon, and they were forever in my yard.

Edna

This is Edna, who I named after one of my great-grandmothers. You have no idea how much I wanted to steal her. In fact, my overzealous dog walker DID steal both kittens, and the neighbor immediately put up signs all over the neighborhood, so I called ODW and told her she had to bring them back.

I did not mean to ramble on about this person for 48 years.

The next person who moved in talked on her phone in the side yard all the time, making her side security light go on and shine in our bedroom and forcing us to listen to her annoying voice at all hours. It was a shame when she left.

Anyway, Paul, our neighbor, couldn’t rent out the place any longer due to the economy, so he moved in himself and has been making really stupendous changes to the house and yard, including cutting down 3934829504934 weed trees in the back.

Just yesterday I was noticing one of our old trees looks like it’s on its last legs, or limbs, and I was thinking about what kind of tree I want next, and really what I want is a mimosa tree. You wake up, go to your tree, get a champagne and orange juice right off the branch! BAH!

Mimosa_tree

Okay, really. Here is a mimosa tree. And they smell so good. I know you are shocked at the color.

But I was also thinking, maybe we should get a magnolia. I mean, we’re in the South. Isn’t it kind of a prerequisite?

So this morning I was in the back yard taking pictures of Ruby’s lily and playing with Talu, when I noticed this:

Stillmagnolia

We HAVE a magnolia tree! I had never noticed it because of all the thick foliage in our back yard, and my neighbor’s back yard. But now that his is gone, hey! There it is! I think it hasn’t had a chance to get big because of all the other trees.

Pineforthistree

Including the world’s hugest pine right next to it. I know “hugest” isn’t a word. But what else could you say about this tree? I’m surprised we don’t get tourists. Maybe we could cut a hole in the middle and let people drive through it, like you can at that park in the Redwoods.

I have no idea how I got off on a tree tangent. Simon and I are going down for a nap.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

64 thoughts on “June stalks a reader”

  1. What?? No update on the hair? How are you surviving with the no touching, no washing, no clipping/crimping/creasing? I don’t think I could do it. I would need to tie my hands behind my back and then I wouldn’t sleep. Can’t sleep with my hair touching my face or neck.
    And, Paula H&B, I need to see a picture of your cat now.
    June, maybe we need a “June’s Reader’s Pets Page” on your blog where all your readers can post pictures of their pets. Because I’m a pet stalker.

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  2. I figured everyone would be bored by my hair, Carla. Apparently not. So far it is not a big deal to not wash it, because when I get it blown out I can go a few days without washing it. Have you met my dry hair? The only thing is the bangs are so straight that I keep placing them back like Kelly does on Real Housewives.

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  3. The magnolia doesn’t look spindly so it probably wasn’t as crowded as you think, June. Magnolias are notoriously slow growers. I’m surprised you couldn’t smell the blossoms when it bloomed, though. LOVE mimosas. The tree, not the drink. And to be truly southern, you need a mahonia. And kudzu.
    And I love Simon, too. And his little window seat and his green mouse.

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  4. The magnolia doesn’t look spindly so it probably wasn’t as crowded as you think, June. Magnolias are notoriously slow growers. I’m surprised you couldn’t smell the blossoms when it bloomed, though. LOVE mimosas. The tree, not the drink. And to be truly southern, you need a mahonia. And kudzu.
    And I love Simon, too. And his little window seat and his green mouse.

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  5. The magnolia doesn’t look spindly so it probably wasn’t as crowded as you think, June. Magnolias are notoriously slow growers. I’m surprised you couldn’t smell the blossoms when it bloomed, though. LOVE mimosas. The tree, not the drink. And to be truly southern, you need a mahonia. And kudzu.
    And I love Simon, too. And his little window seat and his green mouse.

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  6. Hey, you could start a RHOGNC!
    Okay, here’s what I was really going to say:
    I love the lily on Ruby’s grave. Lilies, particularly ‘star-gazers’, are my favorite.
    My grandmother (‘Roe) had a giant swath of yellow day lilies that weaved (wove?) between the trees in her back yard. Like YARDS of them. Yellow was her favorite color (but she really loved all colors, and all flowers and trees, and also all animals–she buried her beloved Snowball under her magnolia tree where he could see the day lilies).
    Anyway, when we had to move her to assisted living and prepare her house to sell (which was an awful day!), my dad and I dug up a bunch of her day lilies to take back with us. I promptly planted them in the front bed of our rent house.
    We have moved 3 times since then and I have dug those lilies up every time and moved them with us. One day I’ll have a giant swath of them in my backyard, too.

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  7. And if you want a beautiful magnolia, try a ‘Jane magnolia’. Gorgeous purpley-pink and white flowers that bloom twice a year. You can grow them bushy or train them to be more like a tree…kind of like a ‘crepe myrtle’.

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  8. Per Furry’s tree-gestions, I would suggest a tulip magnolia, which we call the tulip tree. They bloom extremely early in the season, around Valentine’s Day, but OMG, they are just an amazing tree. You might also consider the star magnolia, which blooms after the tulip tree. I would forgo the temptation to include kudzu in my landscape plans.

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  9. I was too waiting anxiously for news of the new straight hair. I hope something didn’t go horribly wrong and that’s why you’re not talking about it.
    In other news, I know you love people’s dogs and cats, and I wanted to tell you we just got a new (third) dog, but I was going to feel kind of stupid saying “Hey June, I got a new dog!” in your comments, but…hey June, I got a new dog! I have pictures of her on my blog. She makes my other two dogs look like molecules. She’s big, is what I’m sayin’.

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  10. I think Carla’s suggestion is great. We could all see each other’s furry kids. The Moron Twins who as you all know, I have a love/hate relationship with, are sitting here at my feet, kissing each other over and over again. So, I love them this second.
    But, when you said, pee on the carpet, I remembered why I hate them.
    Your lily is just beautiful.
    I live in the woods and we have magnolias everywhere. They are very slow growers but such lovely trees. I do love that mimosa one. I vote for the mimosa.
    Oh and I shredded yesterday with all the teenagers and I’m proud to say, I didn’t stop once while they were gasping and falling on the floor. Yes!
    This is me flaring my nostrils!

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  11. I love Mimosa trees! When I was a little girl we used to call them power puff trees because we would take the blossoms and “dust” our faces like we were putting on powder. (Great trees for imaginative little girls!)
    Your lilies are gorgeous, and the Magnolia looks great…

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  12. I know you will think I am making this up, but I actually did have a dream about you last night. I think it was all the excitement over your hair, which I could not WAIT to see. In my dream, I got to meet Talu and Henry and Francis and Winston and we made lasagna and had a big hair straightening party.
    OK, I don’t remember what we did, just that I dreamed about you. But I imagine it went something like that.

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  13. Beautiful lilies. What a special way to honor your pet.
    I left my fur babies with their grandparents for three days and my Aussie is still pouting at me 18 hours after I got home. You would think they beat him or something!
    Does anyone else’s pet pout?

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  14. Do they have mimosa trees in Papua New Guinea? Cause I lived there for 5 years and there was a tree that had those feathery blooms! we only ever knew the tribal names for them which was probably something like “batbat” or “kaukau”.
    and what is with all these green thumb grandmas? I gave my grandma my ivy house plant when I went away to school and she killed it!

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  15. She killed ivy? OMG, do you think she would come to our house and kill ALL The English freaking ivy. Next to privet hedge and kudzu, it is the most invasive plant known to womankind and it eats the mortar right off your bricks. It and bamboo are mocking me on a daily basis.

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  16. She killed ivy? OMG, do you think she would come to our house and kill ALL The English freaking ivy. Next to privet hedge and kudzu, it is the most invasive plant known to womankind and it eats the mortar right off your bricks. It and bamboo are mocking me on a daily basis.

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  17. She killed ivy? OMG, do you think she would come to our house and kill ALL The English freaking ivy. Next to privet hedge and kudzu, it is the most invasive plant known to womankind and it eats the mortar right off your bricks. It and bamboo are mocking me on a daily basis.

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  18. My neighbor behind my house has a magnolia tree. Looks great when it blooms for three days, then makes a hell of a mess. Of course, she does NOTH.ING. with her yard. It’s full of violets, she never mows… That’s it! I’m calling the township on her! And her barky stupid dog!
    What were we talking about again?

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  19. I’m glad your neighbor’s weed trees won’t be bullying your magnolia any more. Because systematic herbacious bullying is becoming an epidemic and weed (bwwahahhaaa) have to create a PSA or something.

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  20. Oh, thank you for posting that picture of a mimosa tree. We saw a bunch of them in Georgia and Florida and wondered what the heck they were. Now I can go tell Mayor McCheese that you solved the mystery without even knowing it was a mystery.
    How’s the hair? Looked good yesterday.

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  21. I’m here to remind you that tomorrow is Friday June. You know what that means? Let me catch my breath and I will tell you…..

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  22. I used to have a mimosa tree. In Indiana, that’s a novelty. They DO smell lovely, and are quite pretty until all those little fluffs dry up and fall off. It is the MESSIEST dang tree in all of creation. Don’t ever plant one by the walk, or the porch, or your roof, or everything will be covered in sticky yucky brown crap for several months out of each year.
    But in the far corner of the yard? Lovely.

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  23. Your lily is beautiful! I just planted a Cleveland Pear tree in our yard in an attempt to thwart the creepy neighbor who always stares at the husband and I. It is a passive-aggressive alternative to building a fenced fortress around the backyard.

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  24. Beg to differ, but the female ginko tree is the NASTIEST tree on the planet. The fruit smells like a rotting corpse covered in poo. Awful. We have a ginko, but thankfully, it is a boy.
    ‘Nother southern tree to desire? The Cataulpa. Pretty purple flowers, strange long bean pods and in the summer it is covered in cataulpa worms. They are acid green with whiskers and bright red noses.

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  25. Beg to differ, but the female ginko tree is the NASTIEST tree on the planet. The fruit smells like a rotting corpse covered in poo. Awful. We have a ginko, but thankfully, it is a boy.
    ‘Nother southern tree to desire? The Cataulpa. Pretty purple flowers, strange long bean pods and in the summer it is covered in cataulpa worms. They are acid green with whiskers and bright red noses.

    Like

  26. Beg to differ, but the female ginko tree is the NASTIEST tree on the planet. The fruit smells like a rotting corpse covered in poo. Awful. We have a ginko, but thankfully, it is a boy.
    ‘Nother southern tree to desire? The Cataulpa. Pretty purple flowers, strange long bean pods and in the summer it is covered in cataulpa worms. They are acid green with whiskers and bright red noses.

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  27. ….ok, so I’m back. Almost got sick from drinking too much water after said video. Which by the way June, you are scheduled to do tomorrow. Going to go lay down down.
    Oh and if you don’t have a Dogwood. Get one, my favorite even though it doesn’t bloom long. Or Japanese cherry, which gives you no cherries.

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  28. Feel your pain, Hulkster. We live between two abandoned buildings.
    On one side, the sweet old lady died 7 years ago and her kids won’t sell the house (I can only imagine that they think she will be back and, knowing her as we all did, she would be pissed beyond recognition to find a stranger living in HER house). They will cut the grass, but I had to rake the leaves this year (or rake them after they blew into our yard, which, trust me when I say brotherman, would be MUCH harder.
    On the other side we have an abandoned church, the congregation of which gave one the feeling that serpents were probably handled within the confines, if you know what I be sayin’. They have let 50 feet of property next to our fence go over to the other side, the, as it were, fruitarian side, where poison ivy, bamboo and privet hedge aboundeth. It takes all I can muster to keep the weeds on their side of our fence.
    And being a church of some ilk or another, the effing city won’t do caca about it. Ah, livin’ large in Memphis…..

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  29. Feel your pain, Hulkster. We live between two abandoned buildings.
    On one side, the sweet old lady died 7 years ago and her kids won’t sell the house (I can only imagine that they think she will be back and, knowing her as we all did, she would be pissed beyond recognition to find a stranger living in HER house). They will cut the grass, but I had to rake the leaves this year (or rake them after they blew into our yard, which, trust me when I say brotherman, would be MUCH harder.
    On the other side we have an abandoned church, the congregation of which gave one the feeling that serpents were probably handled within the confines, if you know what I be sayin’. They have let 50 feet of property next to our fence go over to the other side, the, as it were, fruitarian side, where poison ivy, bamboo and privet hedge aboundeth. It takes all I can muster to keep the weeds on their side of our fence.
    And being a church of some ilk or another, the effing city won’t do caca about it. Ah, livin’ large in Memphis…..

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  30. Feel your pain, Hulkster. We live between two abandoned buildings.
    On one side, the sweet old lady died 7 years ago and her kids won’t sell the house (I can only imagine that they think she will be back and, knowing her as we all did, she would be pissed beyond recognition to find a stranger living in HER house). They will cut the grass, but I had to rake the leaves this year (or rake them after they blew into our yard, which, trust me when I say brotherman, would be MUCH harder.
    On the other side we have an abandoned church, the congregation of which gave one the feeling that serpents were probably handled within the confines, if you know what I be sayin’. They have let 50 feet of property next to our fence go over to the other side, the, as it were, fruitarian side, where poison ivy, bamboo and privet hedge aboundeth. It takes all I can muster to keep the weeds on their side of our fence.
    And being a church of some ilk or another, the effing city won’t do caca about it. Ah, livin’ large in Memphis…..

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  31. … OOh OOh OOh… get a Mimosa ! We I lived in Alabama they grew all around our house. I thought they were just so ethereal looking and that fairies should have tea parties beneath them…
    xoxo
    btw… I personally don’t stalk… but I DO skulk.

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  32. Butterflies love mimosa trees. We have hundreds if not thousands of butterflies on ours. What a sight and smell. B.

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  33. Somewhere I read that magnolia tree bark is supposed to help get rid of bad breath. If you find yourself in the backyard with bad breath and can’t make it to your toothbrush.

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  34. Oh Hulkster, how’s your hand today? Quite the workout I’m sure.
    I get the whole trashy neighbor’s yard thing. Found a rat under out boat yesterday. Hubby thinks the neighbor threw it over the fence. Their yard is like a jungle back there. And I can’t even begin to describe the neighbor down the street. Blood boils every time I drive by. I’ll go all postal one of these days.

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  35. Holy cow, I did have a dream about you but I thought you’d think it was weird. I dreamed that I came to see you and you were wild. The first night you and Marvin got wasted drunk and the second night you were snorting coke. I kept think wow this isn’t the impression I had of June.
    Also I was desperate to know your real name, which even though I was staying with you, you would wouldn’t tell me unless I guessed. You gave me the hint that it was a palindrome (Racecar Bob) and some other clues. In my dream your name was Anna.
    I wanted to write you so bad to find out what your real is. If it’s Anna, I’m getting a job as a psychic.

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  36. I just had a bunch of mimosas over the weekend. The drink not the tree. I make the BEST mimosas you will ever have. I even make non-alcoholic ones because let me tell you I know some mimosas that need AA.
    Anyway…love the lillies and I too had a June dream but I’m not a stalker. We were having tea and talking about books when you reached across the table and pulled a grey hair from my head. Thanks June! Now I will have twice as many.

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  37. “I found one that had red in it for Ruby. And it’s pretty, like she was. And it took awhile to open up, like she did. Perhaps this flower will come in and pee on the carpet, too.”
    DYING.
    Simon is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame and is all up in my bidness here making it difficult for me to type. He says, “Meeerrrrr-ooowwwp.”
    And on to trees. AS YOU ALL KNOW, I moved into my parents’ house. They were city folk and when they moved to the ‘burbs, they refused to cut down any trees. Really, it was ridik. If you go to Google Maps for the address, the picture is from a few years ago. You see the neighborhood: house, house, house, overgrown rainforesty jungle area, house, house. So we removed a lot of the trees. ANYWAY, where I was going with this is that there were two tulip trees that my mother HATED. H.A.T.E.D. Yes, they were pretty but they sapped on the cars. And dropped their blooms and made a mess. But God forbid she cut them down. Then one day one of the tulippy bulby things fell off the tree and was rolling around the driveway and she didn’t see it and boom, she fell on it and broke her kneecap. STILL did not cut down the effin tree. We had it cut down. The landscapers had to come with a TRAILER to remove the stump, it was so big. Talk about driving through it (also dying. June, you KILL me).
    Anyway, now we have less trees and I don’t know what half of them are (city kid). Oh, we also have butterfly bushes, which we had at our previous abode (hee, abode) and I can’t wait for these to bloom and attact the butterflies.

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  38. “I found one that had red in it for Ruby. And it’s pretty, like she was. And it took awhile to open up, like she did. Perhaps this flower will come in and pee on the carpet, too.”
    DYING.
    Simon is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame and is all up in my bidness here making it difficult for me to type. He says, “Meeerrrrr-ooowwwp.”
    And on to trees. AS YOU ALL KNOW, I moved into my parents’ house. They were city folk and when they moved to the ‘burbs, they refused to cut down any trees. Really, it was ridik. If you go to Google Maps for the address, the picture is from a few years ago. You see the neighborhood: house, house, house, overgrown rainforesty jungle area, house, house. So we removed a lot of the trees. ANYWAY, where I was going with this is that there were two tulip trees that my mother HATED. H.A.T.E.D. Yes, they were pretty but they sapped on the cars. And dropped their blooms and made a mess. But God forbid she cut them down. Then one day one of the tulippy bulby things fell off the tree and was rolling around the driveway and she didn’t see it and boom, she fell on it and broke her kneecap. STILL did not cut down the effin tree. We had it cut down. The landscapers had to come with a TRAILER to remove the stump, it was so big. Talk about driving through it (also dying. June, you KILL me).
    Anyway, now we have less trees and I don’t know what half of them are (city kid). Oh, we also have butterfly bushes, which we had at our previous abode (hee, abode) and I can’t wait for these to bloom and attact the butterflies.

    Like

  39. “I found one that had red in it for Ruby. And it’s pretty, like she was. And it took awhile to open up, like she did. Perhaps this flower will come in and pee on the carpet, too.”
    DYING.
    Simon is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame and is all up in my bidness here making it difficult for me to type. He says, “Meeerrrrr-ooowwwp.”
    And on to trees. AS YOU ALL KNOW, I moved into my parents’ house. They were city folk and when they moved to the ‘burbs, they refused to cut down any trees. Really, it was ridik. If you go to Google Maps for the address, the picture is from a few years ago. You see the neighborhood: house, house, house, overgrown rainforesty jungle area, house, house. So we removed a lot of the trees. ANYWAY, where I was going with this is that there were two tulip trees that my mother HATED. H.A.T.E.D. Yes, they were pretty but they sapped on the cars. And dropped their blooms and made a mess. But God forbid she cut them down. Then one day one of the tulippy bulby things fell off the tree and was rolling around the driveway and she didn’t see it and boom, she fell on it and broke her kneecap. STILL did not cut down the effin tree. We had it cut down. The landscapers had to come with a TRAILER to remove the stump, it was so big. Talk about driving through it (also dying. June, you KILL me).
    Anyway, now we have less trees and I don’t know what half of them are (city kid). Oh, we also have butterfly bushes, which we had at our previous abode (hee, abode) and I can’t wait for these to bloom and attact the butterflies.

    Like

  40. have i ever mentioned that i like it when you explain what you mean in great detail in case a sentence can be misunderstood… because usually, i understood it the way you meant it and not the way that it could have been misinterpreted… it makes me feel smart. =P
    p.s. you should check out the yellow poplar. the blooms are ridiculously cool. no pink in them but still awesome looking… like something out of dr. seuss.

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  41. I’m wanting a Japanese maple (is that supposed to be caps?), but I’m afraid I’ll start speaking Japanese all of a sudden. And now I’m thinking of the Barney Fife quote: “You know she doesn’t speak a word of South American.”

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  42. I’m wanting a Japanese maple (is that supposed to be caps?), but I’m afraid I’ll start speaking Japanese all of a sudden. And now I’m thinking of the Barney Fife quote: “You know she doesn’t speak a word of South American.”

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  43. I’m wanting a Japanese maple (is that supposed to be caps?), but I’m afraid I’ll start speaking Japanese all of a sudden. And now I’m thinking of the Barney Fife quote: “You know she doesn’t speak a word of South American.”

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