Marvin is the meanest, meanest, meanest, most horrid husband ever. Plus he’s mean.

O.J. Simpson called. Wonders why Marvin is so terrible to me.


Scott Peterson also called. Told me I could do better.


So, Marvin’s parents are here. They got in yesterday evening and we all met for dinner.


Eating That’s me on the left. In white. In case you thought I was anyone else in this picture.


I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, because I’m a gracious dinner companion that way, and I’m sure Marvin’s dad can’t get enough of me. Also? I got the best cream soda.


Creme


It’s made with cane sugar and real vanilla and you can tell. It looks like everyone else had bread and water, doesn’t it? They couldn’t afford to order dinners after I got that $80,000 entree.


Anyway, then we all schlepped downtown because there’s this thing called First Friday that happens on–are you ready?–the first Friday of every month, where all the galleries and stores stay open, and people sell their wares on the street, and you can go into stores and guzzle free wine and so forth. Marvin plays his guitar there every First Friday, and this time his friend and bandmate Ron joined him


Marvplays I am sorry to tell you that they threw in a Rush song this time, although mostly they play original stuff that Marvin wrote. Sometimes he’ll sing some song about some bitch in his life and I always think he’s written said song about me, and he always denies it. That one about “I’m so sick of your blog I could puke” makes me suspicious, though.


In the meantime, my mother-in-law and I walked around and looked at the wares, and she said she’d get me a few things as an early birthday present.


Helloearrings I had to think hard about what I wanted.


Hellotablecloth Vintage tablecloth! Mine!


Abouttoshell Here’s Marvin’s mom, about to shell out for said tablecloth.


And let’s pause for a moment to look at this hapless woman back there in the sleeveless top. Does every woman in the world in your town, and I realize that made no sense, have that hairdo? That fortune-cookie hairdo? Why? Why does everyone have it now? I hate that hairdo. Probably 40,000 people reading this blog are sitting there right now with their long-in-front fortune cookie hair swinging madly at me. But I’m sorry. Open the cookie. It will say, “Stop with that hairdo, already.”


Not that I am one to talk about hair.


Withcloth Here I am, with my tablecloth and Hello Kitty earrings.


Jewels
I also got these. Pretty!


So, perhaps you are wondering when I get to the part where Marvin is the meanest husband in the entire world.


We were just getting ready to leave, when this woman walked past with a bitty puppy that she was holding. My friend The Other June, who was also there, took a picture of me, because I guess I don’t need to tell you I rushed over there and immediately held said bitty puppy, who is nine weeks old and half Australian shepherd and who NEEDS A HOME. He’s a boy puppy and he needs to be mine.


I emailed The Other June to ask her to email me said photo so I can show it to you, but I have not heard from her, and I don’t know what she thinks SHE’S doing, not sitting there at her computer at the ready whenever I need her.


So I took my new puppy over to Marvin and I said, “Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease can we take this puppy home? He needs a home. We have a home. It’s the perfect situation!”


And horrid, horrid Marvin, who I do not even like, said no. I told him he didn’t have to get me a birthday present, that this could be it. No, he said. I said I would also not need a CHRISTMAS present. No, he said. Because he is mean. Meanness runs though his veins. Which are also icy.


So the moral of my story is I have no puppy. And Mr. from The Color Purple was a stellar husband compared to mean mean mean Marvin.


I want that sweet puppy so BAD. Lula needs a dog friend. And Australian shepherds are smart! She could have a smart friend! They could wear berets and smoke Gauloises and discuss Kafka and chase squirrels. But in a really intellectual way.


You all have to help me get that puppy. I know I sound like Cruella DeVille. PUPPIES!


Oh, and comment of the week goes to Shana. Who should be spending her time trying to help me acquire that puppy.


P.S. I got sick of that “vote for me” post at the top of my blog, so I will just put an annoying reminder at the bottom of my posts instead. Fortunately for us all, the contest ends July 12, so you can vote for me once a day till then and I know you are thrilled. Here is the link. Thanks!
 
 
 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

45 thoughts on “Marvin is the meanest, meanest, meanest, most horrid husband ever. Plus he’s mean.”

  1. What? I cannot be the first commenter. I am usually the last, number 295 or something, or 11,169 if it’s PW.
    That hairdo? I wanted it. But after 2 or so years of my hairdresser just not being able to quite get it right, I gave up. I think she secretly hated that hairdo. So now I have Marvin’s mom’s hairdo. Which people either (a) don’t notice or (b) say looks good. So whatever. I too am over the fortune cookie.
    I love your earrings and your vintage tablecloth! Hey, what Rush song did Marvin play? Let me guess, Closer to the Heart? Because there’s acoustic guitar and such.

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  2. I have a question.
    WHY IS MARVIN SO DING and ALSO DANG MEAN?
    Wow. That’s one mean husband you gots.
    Makes the guy who beat and then urinated on his wife (in our local newspaper) look like the Mahatma.
    Maybe Marvin’s parents can help in your quest for bitty puppy?

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  3. Yo totally need that puppy! Two dogs are easier than one, but three is much harder than two. Stick with two. Tell Marvin that this dog is going to love him like Talu loves you! That might work.

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  4. I am loving that tablecloth! I love vintage linens. Bed linens, table linens, whatever. I love them. And I hate all the newer thicker mattresses that old vintage flowery sheets will not fit on. My next mattress will be custom-made and it will be the proper thickness. Hmmpphh!
    More on Marvin and his meanness later. Halftime is over and Argentina needs me!

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  5. Of course you need that puppy. You say yes, he says no, so that means you win because you are so awesome your vote counts twice. Go get that puppy. See how easy that was?

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  6. I am all for you getting a new puppy. I must caution you that it may bond with Marvin instead of you . He will be the puppy’s new momma. Since he will be home with it during the day.
    Wait,maybe that is why Marvin should let you get it.

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  7. Sorry June, but I’m with Marvin on this one. ONLY because it’s an Australian Shepherd though. Those are some insanely high-energy dogs and with your new job it’s the last thing you need. Now if he told you that you couldn’t take home, say, a lab puppy or something I would agree that he is mean and makes Cruella look like Mother Teresa.
    Also, I longed for the fortune cookie haircut but my hair is too wavy so it never worked out for me. I am over it now.

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  8. Now, Kristi, normally I would agree on the energy thing, but that puppy is half sloth or something. It was a LUMP the whole time I held it. A sleeping lump. And it went from person to person dead asleep. The foster mom said it would play for 20 minutes at a time and fall asleep, that it was a mellow puppy. Because I read Dooce. And Coco scares the shit out of me. 

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  9. Kristi just wrote exactly what I was thinking. I think Marvin did you both a favor. Australian Sheppards are working dogs that need exercise all day long. My parents had one and that dog was crazy hyper and tore up the whole house out of boredom. She had to be tied up outside during the day while they were at work and she hung herself trying to jump over the fence while on her lead. It was terrible. My parents tried everything to fulfill that dog’s energy requirements but it wasn’t enough. She needed to be on a farm with a job to do.
    On a brighter note, Marvin is a spitting of his Dad, the resemblance is uncanny.

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  10. I laughed so hard this morning at this post!
    Scott Peterson???hahahahaha!
    Australian Shepherds are very spazzy but oh so cute.
    I have 4 dogs and each time I rescued one, I promised my husband many things that I no longer wish to do.
    I would bring home 10 more if I could though.
    At least Marvin doesn’t say, before he sings, “I am dedicating this song to my wife. On the back row, the one in the Hello Kitty earrings with the vintage tablecloth on her head.”
    Then they would know you were related to Mel Gibson, the wife hater.

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  11. And also, I thought you were talking about the hair on the girl in the sleeveless shirt sitting on the ground texting. But now I get it.

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  12. a) Your mother-in-law it really pretty.
    b) I was considering that haircut, but now that I know June disapproves, I’ll have to reconsider because I’m always seeking June’s approval.
    c) I owned an Aussie for about six months. They are really, really, really high energy and demanding. Smart in a dog sounds great until you’re living with one, and you wake up in the middle of the night and he’s watching Charlie Rose while moving your furniture into a more feng shui pleasing manner, so you trip over the couch and break your leg. Not to mention they’ll herd anything that moves including small children which is why Cosmo had to go live on a farm. A real farm not the quote/unquote farm where one of my childhood dogs ended up.
    d) I guess since I’m so not helping your case here, I won’t be getting the quote of the week prize.

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  13. I’m jumping on the Marvin & Kristi mean wagon. Aussies are smart, high energy balls of fire…even when they start out as slothy pups. They need to work to be happy.
    I do think Talu needs a buddy. What happened to your quest for a great pyrenees? Those dogs are sweet, smart AND lazy. My kind of combo. Boone is Pyrenees, Great Dane & Saint Bernard. His big chore all day is finding the best cold spot on the floor to sleep on.

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  14. I tried the Fortune Cookie Coiffure. My hairs would not cooperate and I ended up looking like a redheaded Emo Phillips which was not quite the look I was going for.
    And I’m with the other mean, mean people who are advising you against adopting that cute, sleeping (for now) Aussie. I don’t think Fran, Winston and Henry would appreciate being herded all day long and an uprising will occur and blood will be shed.
    I love the vintage table cloth and will keep my piehole shut about the Hello Kitty earrings.
    Did Marvin perform an acoustic version of “2112?”
    I had dinner with OJ Simpson back when he was Famous and not Infamous.

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  15. I never heard it called the Fortune Cookie haircut! Everyone in my town seems to have the Kate minus Jon plus Eight old do, long flat bangs in the front and bedhead in the back. Bleh.
    My husband is the same as Marvin with pets. Drives me INSANE. Like I’ve EVER asked him to clean up after any of them or to ever scoop a poop. So why does he even GET a say? Damn democracy.
    Don’t you get the feeling that Coco IS Dooce, in dog form? Crazy on four feet.

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  16. I never heard it called the Fortune Cookie haircut! Everyone in my town seems to have the Kate minus Jon plus Eight old do, long flat bangs in the front and bedhead in the back. Bleh.
    My husband is the same as Marvin with pets. Drives me INSANE. Like I’ve EVER asked him to clean up after any of them or to ever scoop a poop. So why does he even GET a say? Damn democracy.
    Don’t you get the feeling that Coco IS Dooce, in dog form? Crazy on four feet.

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  17. I never heard it called the Fortune Cookie haircut! Everyone in my town seems to have the Kate minus Jon plus Eight old do, long flat bangs in the front and bedhead in the back. Bleh.
    My husband is the same as Marvin with pets. Drives me INSANE. Like I’ve EVER asked him to clean up after any of them or to ever scoop a poop. So why does he even GET a say? Damn democracy.
    Don’t you get the feeling that Coco IS Dooce, in dog form? Crazy on four feet.

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  18. Okay, I am back. I am done with the World Cup. I am depressed and sad.
    I agree with Kristi, Jill Munroe, and Kelly. Those Aussies are beautiful, smart and full of energy. That energy will translate to frustration if they are not engaged in a useful activity. And I would hate to see your pretty sofa and that great green chair shredded and becoming chew toys.
    With a new job, you might want to consider an older low-maintenance dog. Sorry.

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  19. Okay, I am back. I am done with the World Cup. I am depressed and sad.
    I agree with Kristi, Jill Munroe, and Kelly. Those Aussies are beautiful, smart and full of energy. That energy will translate to frustration if they are not engaged in a useful activity. And I would hate to see your pretty sofa and that great green chair shredded and becoming chew toys.
    With a new job, you might want to consider an older low-maintenance dog. Sorry.

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  20. Okay, I am back. I am done with the World Cup. I am depressed and sad.
    I agree with Kristi, Jill Munroe, and Kelly. Those Aussies are beautiful, smart and full of energy. That energy will translate to frustration if they are not engaged in a useful activity. And I would hate to see your pretty sofa and that great green chair shredded and becoming chew toys.
    With a new job, you might want to consider an older low-maintenance dog. Sorry.

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  21. LOL! This is hilarious! A friend from the First Friday Indie Market shared your blog with me… I am the one you got the necklace and earrings from (TBSCreations.etsy.com). I really appreciate it!
    By the way- you need the dog. Since when do our husbands opinions count??

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  22. I have that hairdo and I am not ashamed to say I look fantastic with it. I can wear it sleek and straight, scrunchy wavy, or in 2 teeny little pigtails and it always rocks. I do have side-swept bangs with it, so maybe it’s not a true “fortune coomie.”. Honestly, the lady in the picture looks ok with that style. Where’s the love? You have jumped on the hair-straightenng bandwagon, arguably the yin to the fortune cookie’s yan.

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  23. I am the Furry Godmother and I have an addition to pets. *Hi! Furry!*
    Just had to get the disclaimer out of the way. Prepare for the enabling.
    Don’t get the precious Aussie who will eat your couch when he gets about four months old and his testosterone kicks in and he becomes possessed by Beelzebub. DO RUN to the shelter and adopt another baby. They are all in crisis proportions!
    But I have four dogs, one cat, two budgies, a finch, three frogs, two hamsters and seventeen fish, so what do I know of the pet ownership?

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  24. I am the Furry Godmother and I have an addition to pets. *Hi! Furry!*
    Just had to get the disclaimer out of the way. Prepare for the enabling.
    Don’t get the precious Aussie who will eat your couch when he gets about four months old and his testosterone kicks in and he becomes possessed by Beelzebub. DO RUN to the shelter and adopt another baby. They are all in crisis proportions!
    But I have four dogs, one cat, two budgies, a finch, three frogs, two hamsters and seventeen fish, so what do I know of the pet ownership?

    Like

  25. I am the Furry Godmother and I have an addition to pets. *Hi! Furry!*
    Just had to get the disclaimer out of the way. Prepare for the enabling.
    Don’t get the precious Aussie who will eat your couch when he gets about four months old and his testosterone kicks in and he becomes possessed by Beelzebub. DO RUN to the shelter and adopt another baby. They are all in crisis proportions!
    But I have four dogs, one cat, two budgies, a finch, three frogs, two hamsters and seventeen fish, so what do I know of the pet ownership?

    Like

  26. OK, so I will continue to vote for you and I will also petition to help you get the new puppy and I will even agree that Marvin is meaner than any of the above mentioned meanies (Mr. from Color Purple made me almost spit tea through my nose) EVEN THOUGH I have said hairdo. It is called a reverse or stacked bob and I have never, ever, ever received more compliments regarding my hair than I have since I started wearing it this way. My hair girl rocks and my hair always looks good. If I say so myself. And I do. Every day. I compliment my own hair. The color, the cut, the SWING, I love it all.
    I still love you June. I wish I could quit you. 😉

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  27. I don’t know what is wrong with Marvin. You could be asking for a real live human baby instead, the way I always do, and he could end up with 6 kids to feed, shelter, clothe, and educate, the way my poor husband has. But, no, all you want is a (relatively) inexpensive puppy who will never, ever need to go to college – and he said No!
    Shame on you, Marvin. You don’t even realize how easy you have it.

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  28. I agree, as I also think my husband is also 3 x mean & at least 1 x horrible for not allowing me at least 2 more Siamese kittens (what is 2 more when you already *Have* 5 cats? & a dog?)… AND he has made me go camping this weekend. You totally need the puppy & Talu needs a friend… She is lonely now that you work! 😉

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  29. Just go get the puppy. Marvin will fall in love with him in seconds flat. At least that’s how it works in my house every time my husband brings home a new dog. We have 3 now. He is you, June. Also too, you will be so svelte from keeping up with said puppy, you’ll no longer need Jillian Michaels and her Shred veedeeo. See, you’ll SAVE money on exercise DVDs by getting the puppy. Problem solved.
    Also three, I would love to see a photo of Jill Munroe’s Boone dog.

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  30. Oh I can see it now .. that little Australian shepherd .. named Crickey of course .. or Robbo or Jonno or Stevo .. sitting on your lap loving being a Gardensalad.
    Marvin is mean .. he is the biggest meanie I know. 😦

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  31. Nope. Needs to be named Boomerang – call him Boomer. Makes jokes about him always coming back whenever he runs down the street trying to herd things.
    I wouldn’t have asked Marvin, personally. You must remember – it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. 🙂

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  32. Those of us with stick-straight hair will use any style we can to give us the appearance of body, and that cookie cutter haircut is great for that. My hair never looked so good as when it was cut like that.
    What a nice mother in law you have for letting you choose your own presents. Maybe Marvin could take a lessen from her.
    And speaking of Kindle, Amazon just announced a newer, scaled-down, cheaper version of the Kindle that cost only(!) $389! They said the old Kindle (full featured) cost almost $500. Sigh. I was thinking of trying one until I heard the price. I was thinking they cost around $200.

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  33. Ya know what? I could not figure out which lady you meant at first (there are 2 sleeveless women in your pic). Sadly I’m so out of touch with hair styles even your description didn’t help.
    Then get this! Go look at my FB pic – I have the damn cookie cutter hair cut only it’s CURLY. Sigh. Great, now I’m going to be looking for the friggin cookie every time I look at the back of my hair. Thanks for that.
    P.S. Marvin is HORRIBLY mean.

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  34. Oh, I hope you get the puppy!
    (I have a modified, slightly longer “cookie” haircut. It looks good on people who have really fine, straight hair! Without some sort of style, I would be walking around with hair limp like spaghetti noodles. I guess I would rather look like I have a cookie on my head than spaghetti??) :o)
    Seriously, HOPE YOU GET THE PUPPY!!!! Mean Marvin!

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  35. Amazon offers the Kindle as a free download for computers now. I downloaded it to my laptop and really like it. I realize it is not exactly the same, but better than nothing. Just a little FYI.

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