Family, I am berserk, June's stupid life, Photo essays

In which Marvin has spoken, and I missed Saturn

I will tell you about my 4th, not because it was that scintillating, but because I took a lot of pictures and I hate to waste all the energy it took to press that button on my camera. It was exhausting.

I do have to tell you one thing out of order, because it is deeply important. As you know, because you follow my every move, on Friday evening I saw a puppy I wanted because IT NEEDED A HOME and also it was cute and also Talu needs a friend and also I want all puppies. Unless they’re going to be small dogs. I am just not a small-dog person in general and plus also, Tallulah would eat small dogs as she has an issue.

But this puppy was NOT a small dog, it was an Austalian shepherd, and when stupid Marvin said I could not have it, I did what all women who are two weeks from turning 45 do, I called my mother and told on him.

“Talk to Marvin,” I implored her. “Tell him to let me have that dog.”

“I don’t want to get involved,” said my mother, who has a master’s degree in social work.

Then I put the pictures up of said puppy.

I was on the phone with her when she first saw the pictures. First she made my stepfather come inside to look at the pictures. He had been peacefully smoking a cigar on the patio. Then she said, “Tell Marvin I will give him $750 if he lets you have that puppy.”

I went in and told Marvin, who STILL SAID NO.

“Tell him I will pay ALL its vet bills. For life,” said my mother, who didn’t want to get involved.

Marvin sat up straight and gets that look he gets when he is trying to wear the pants in this family. “I HAVE SPOKEN ON THIS MATTER,” he said, flaring his ridiculous nostrils.

“Did he just say ‘I have spoken?'” asked my mother, who again did not want to get involved. “Who is he, Yul Brynner in The King and I?”

“Perhaps he thinks he’s God,” I offered. “Maybe he thinks every time he talks, it’s in red font, like in the Bible.”

So that went well, and soon after Marvin and I walked over to his parents’ hotel to see fireworks. Following is an unretouched photo of me on the walk over.

Hatemarvin

Who was I pleased with? I mean, now he’s just being a butt. He was going to MAKE MONEY on this deal. And I don’t know how anyone can resist a face like mine.

Anyway, here’s what else we did yesterday.

Marvin’s mom wanted to go to the Bog Gardens. I do not know if you have ever been to Greensboro, but there are eight hundred thousand seven hundred fifty nine point three gardens and parks here. I do not know why. And I know I have seen a sign that reads “Bog Gardens” before, but I’ll be damned if I remember where. 

I wasn’t even gonna go because of work but at the last minute I did, so we all got in the car, and I was in the back seat with Tallulah and my mother-in-law. When I am with my in-laws, I always end up in the back seat, whether my father-in-law is driving or Marvin, which is probably as it should be because I am the kid in this situation, but the problem is? I get carsick in the back.

So it turns out no one really knows where the damn Bog Garden is. And Marvin, being Marvin, says, “I just thought we’d go to the garden near our house.”

“No! I want to go to the actual Bog Garden,” said Marvin’s mom, who had some kind of guide to Greensboro, and who kept saying that according to the guide it was on Benjamin. Or Hobbes. Or Friendly. Or Starmount. Finally Marvin’s dad turned around in his seat and said to her, “You have just said it was on six streets.”

“I know,” said Marvin’s mother, defeated.

So we drove around and around, through windy streets, making U-turns, and it was the heat of the surface of the sun back there, and Tallulah is leaning on me with her 400-degree body and her fur and her pant-pant-panty hot breath and I was so regretting the nine million and forty-two Jelly Bellies I had had before I got in the car.

Bogwithdog

Who even knows how we found it. It is kind of on Friendly and Starmount and Hobbes and Benjamin.

Poop
Fine. But does anyone have to pick up my barf? Because I was feeling decidedly queasy after that pilgrimage.

Ihavetogo
Oh, crap. I’ll…meet you guys back at the car.

Nosewrinkle

After a few minutes outside I felt better, and I took this picture of me being at two with nature. And look! I appear to have a new wrinkle! Look at that line under my nose, like I’m getting oxygen all the time. Yay. Hello, 45.

Ruinseveryshot

I also tried to take a photo of Marin/Yul and me, but he had to ruin it and show you his cavity.

Quitthejibberjabber Cut jibber-jabber. Lu smell geetz. Let’s go.

Geeses

Indeed, there were geetz, and ducks, too. Fortunately, there were no babies this time so Lu did not get hissed at by any mom geese.

Bunny
While I was photographing nature, I saw a bunny! With pink and yellow eyes! I wanted to kiss him up. He was not feeling amenable to that plan.

Lookout 

We stopped here and there was a huge sign about how you should not feed the geese, because they each provide the world with a POUND of feces a day, and minutes later a woman came over with a loaf of generic white bread. The best part of the story is that every time she threw bread in the water, Tallulah got on her hind legs and tried to eat the bread. I am the one who picks up her poop every day (Tallulah’s poop, not the woman’s) and I can guarantee you it is not a pound. The woman gave me bread to illegally feed the geese and I gave some to Talu, then tried very hard to only feed the ducks. Because what’s better for ducks than generic white bread? Mmmm! Stuffing!

So that was that portion of the day, and afterward Marvin’s parents seemed happy to be rid of us till it was time for us to walk over to see the fireworks. 

Snowflake

On the walk over, when I wasn’t glaring at Marvin, I took a photo of Snowflake, the dog I pet every day when I walk Tallulah. She’s about nine months old and lives with three rambunctious little girls and have I mentioned I love Snowflake more than life itself?

Not that the little girls live alone, like Pippy Longstocking.

Anyway. Marvin’s parents’ hotel is a prime spot for watching fireworks, and a lot of people have dinner there outside and watch from their tables. We had dinner and planned to go to their room to watch, but on the way up Marvin’s mom said, “Let’s go to the Bog Gardens” and also “Why don’t we watch from the pool?”

Marvin didn’t like how the pool was fenced in. “It’s like we’re watching from a concentration camp,” he said. You know, Marvin and his parents are Jewish. Do you think concentration camp jokes are really a good idea?

Redbra

Won’t you enjoy my red bra strap and the fireworks?

 

Fireworksatauschwitz

Here are the fireworks and the Auschwitz fence that bothered Mr. “I have spoken.”

Also, I was so busy photographing the fireworks that I missed Saturn. Marvin was sitting on the end of my lounge chair and said, “Ooo! That one was Saturn!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it was perfectly round and had multiple rings. It was cool. Weren’t you looking?”

“No! I was taking pictures! Crap!”

I saw a couple more that had one ring and I’d ask if that was like the Saturn one but Marvin said no, it wasn’t as good.

Saturnwhichimissedcauseisuck

When I got home and put the pictures on my computer, I can see here when I was just missing seeing Saturn because I was so busy photographing my life instead of living it. One wonders why I didn’t see it if I was photographing it, but I can’t see up close, and the flash was going off, and, crap.

Anyway, that was what I did on the 4th of July and by the way, I still have no puppy. Because Marvin has spoken.

61 thoughts on “In which Marvin has spoken, and I missed Saturn”

  1. So I take it Marvin who is God is strictly Old Testiment.
    What a fun 4th.
    I spent mine changing the brake thingys on my car so I wouldn’t break anything when I didn’t stop.
    Did you know that they have to go on a certain way or you won’t stop. Don’t ask me how i found out. 🙂

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  2. Stick to yer guns, Marvin. There’s far, far more cost to a dog than the financials of health care, not the least of which are Time and Sanity. Your future is brighter due to your adamancy, and your wife will one day thank you for your decisiveness.

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  3. Sorry…I’m with Marvin: 1) Both parties must agree on things like having babies and dogs and (2) You already have a dog! (3) The Australian Shepherds & mixes are bloody hyperactive and annoying. Please don’t hate me because I agree with Yul. I did vote for you, June ;^)

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  4. Please tell Marvin I will click on a blog ad here every day (everyday?) if he’ll let you have the puppy. Call it child support.

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  5. Okay, this comment doesn’t really belong with this particular post, but I need to say it. (Delete if it’s not appropriate.) I have read at least one blog from every other blogger in contention for the “funniest” prize–and there is simply no contest. Wish this could be an objective, let’s-analyze-the-content by experts rather than a popularity contest, but you ARE the funniest. Ever. And you make me smile. EVERY DAY. Thank you.

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  6. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has seen way more of her town because of parents. My parents come in to town and want to see everything. I saw more the week they were here than I have in the last four years I’ve lived here.

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  7. Oh Snowflake is every bit as cute as I had imagined!
    You all have me in bits laughing here…great start to the day!

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  8. Oh, also, you didn’t remind us to vote in your post, and I almost forgot to. But I just did. You’re welcome.

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  9. Beth, remind us to WHAT???
    Snowflake is irresistable. Thank you for sharing your 4th with us, June. We spent last night waiting in the car for the rain to stop long enough for fireworks, then the five of us huddled under one umbrella watching said fireworks after they decided to put them on in the rain. Yours sounds much more enjoyable.

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  10. Ha, Erin! I love that. This morning my hubby pulled out, “I’m not putting the toilet seat down! I PAID for this house!!” Umm … I’m not asking that he put down EVERY toilet seat in the house. Just the half bath on the first floor that people SEE when they walk in the front door. HELLO classy people!! Our 5 and 7 year old know to put the seat totally down … my jack ass hubby … not so much. Still not sure how I’m going to be handling this quote but I know he will be hearing that many, many times in the coming years.

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  11. Love this post. I especially love your mom.
    I keep asking Husband for a dog and he keeps saying no. He even went so far to say that he would rather have me cheat on him, get pregnant, divorce him, and force him to raise the baby than get a dog. I told him I’m tempted to test that theory.

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  12. I know! Snowflake is beautiful. I just want to ask them if I can have her. Cant they get another dog? Those little kids will get over it. You know, eventually.

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  13. Snowflake looks like one the dogs on that doggy denture commercial, where all the dogs have human teeth. Look how straight her pearly whites are.

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  14. How on EARTH Marvin could turn down $750 AND free vet care? Does your momma want to adopt our family and retroactively offer to pay our vet bills? Sadie’s was about $4,000 to have her spleen removed! Pleeeeaaase, June’s Momma?
    Also, too? I love how she didn’t want to get involved!
    Lastly? Now I want snowflake. What a face. What a mug. MAN. She’s SOOOOO cute!

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  15. Catching up on your twenty eleven bajillion blog posts in my Reader. Not that you need to know, but I was on vacation buying magnets and coffee cups in various and sundry places. Here is all I would have said had I been here:
    1. Your hair looks ADORABLE.
    2. Congrats on the job.
    3. Marvin IS mean.
    4. Happy belated birthday to your dad.
    5. Would have come to your fears party dressed exactly as you.

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  16. Marvin is so mean.
    I’m in Chicago and I watched the fireworks from my sister’s balcony on the 37th floor overlooking Navy Pier where the fireworks were going off. It was no Auschwitz, that’s for sure. j
    Marvin needs to let you have that pup.
    I’m on vacation this week with my family who are a bunch of energizer bunnies on crack with their go, go, go. I’ll try to come back and visit, but odds are slim because they’re trying to kill me with their tourist crazy.
    Marvin, GIVE IN!

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  17. “I have spoken!”
    hahahahaha….
    men.
    Was there ever a team Marvin? Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had breakfast with Marvin Saturday morning. The photo is on my phone. A dish named “Marvin Gardens”. I was stunned.

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  18. Stuffing. Dying.
    His Majesty BossyPants Horowitz doesn’t want to spend his summer vacation potty training said puppy and picking up 100 pounds of poop while June’s at work getting buzzed on free lattes from the Starbucks machine. Because he’s a buzz kill that way. And I still think he’s a meanie.

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  19. Jan went against her hubby on Friday and pulled on all the pants she could find. He's a little out of sorts with me now. He was more shocked than mad, but I think he has to be mad because he is the MAN says:

    The red font nearly did me in.
    Isn’t it cute when the menfolk get all stern, pull on their big boy pants and decree something? As if we’re not laughing at them, demurely, behind our hands.

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  20. Jan went against her hubby on Friday and pulled on all the pants she could find. He's a little out of sorts with me now. He was more shocked than mad, but I think he has to be mad because he is the MAN says:

    The red font nearly did me in.
    Isn’t it cute when the menfolk get all stern, pull on their big boy pants and decree something? As if we’re not laughing at them, demurely, behind our hands.

    Like

  21. Jan went against her hubby on Friday and pulled on all the pants she could find. He's a little out of sorts with me now. He was more shocked than mad, but I think he has to be mad because he is the MAN says:

    The red font nearly did me in.
    Isn’t it cute when the menfolk get all stern, pull on their big boy pants and decree something? As if we’re not laughing at them, demurely, behind our hands.

    Like

  22. I always thought I really like Marvin… but he is dead to me now. You deserve the puppy and he can’t just lay down the law like that.
    He would be home with the puppy every day and they could bond like you and Lu. I, too, could go on and on about my Aussie, but I am sure it won’t sway old hard headed, being a butthole, Marv.

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  23. Ah busted a gut with the red font. Just wish You should have married him was in red. Just for that, he owes you that puppy. Mean, mean Marvin. Everyone on Team Marvin needs to jump ship till you get that puppy.

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  24. “You should have married him.” That’s it, I am totally dead now. Have totally died. Am off the mortal coil. Ceased to be.
    I make horrible Holocaust references in excrutiating bad taste all the time (most recently over the past few days when the a/c was broken). I have Jewish cousins. Does that count or am I to cease immediately?

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  25. “You should have married him.” That’s it, I am totally dead now. Have totally died. Am off the mortal coil. Ceased to be.
    I make horrible Holocaust references in excrutiating bad taste all the time (most recently over the past few days when the a/c was broken). I have Jewish cousins. Does that count or am I to cease immediately?

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  26. “You should have married him.” That’s it, I am totally dead now. Have totally died. Am off the mortal coil. Ceased to be.
    I make horrible Holocaust references in excrutiating bad taste all the time (most recently over the past few days when the a/c was broken). I have Jewish cousins. Does that count or am I to cease immediately?

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  27. In fact, suburban, somehow at dinner we were discussing how no one is ALL bad and I pointed out even Hitler at least liked dogs. “You should have married him,” Marvin said. And I am very sad there is no way to make that quote red.

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  28. As discussed at my place before, in reference to something you once said about Anne Frank, we Jews are the only ones allowed to make concentration camp jokes. And, yes, they crack us up.
    I agree with Marvin, by the way – it was like watching fireworks from inside Auschwitz. If I had been there, we would have been pretending that it was the Allies coming to rescue us. Because it’s fun being Jewish.

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  29. As discussed at my place before, in reference to something you once said about Anne Frank, we Jews are the only ones allowed to make concentration camp jokes. And, yes, they crack us up.
    I agree with Marvin, by the way – it was like watching fireworks from inside Auschwitz. If I had been there, we would have been pretending that it was the Allies coming to rescue us. Because it’s fun being Jewish.

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  30. As discussed at my place before, in reference to something you once said about Anne Frank, we Jews are the only ones allowed to make concentration camp jokes. And, yes, they crack us up.
    I agree with Marvin, by the way – it was like watching fireworks from inside Auschwitz. If I had been there, we would have been pretending that it was the Allies coming to rescue us. Because it’s fun being Jewish.

    Like

  31. Actually, it’s only Jesus that gets the red font. God’s words are pretty much the whole Bible.
    I photograph my husband competing in mud bog competitions every year (and they don’t have a Fifi category) and between the camera, the video cam and fending off my three children from lunging at the cooler and polishing off the snacks in the first two minutes, I always feel like I have missed the actual event. Though I always come home with the sunburn to show for it.

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  32. Tell Marvin that our Australian shepherd, Honey, is the sweetest dog ever. She is extremely smart. Not that this should be the only way to demonstrate her intelligence, but she never poops in the yard. She travels over to the woods to do her business.

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  33. Totally dying here. “Yul Brynner.” “I have spoken.” “Red font.”
    Seriously. Dying.
    Your hair still looks great!

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  34. Totally dying here. “Yul Brynner.” “I have spoken.” “Red font.”
    Seriously. Dying.
    Your hair still looks great!

    Like

  35. Totally dying here. “Yul Brynner.” “I have spoken.” “Red font.”
    Seriously. Dying.
    Your hair still looks great!

    Like

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