I will tell you about my 4th, not because it was that scintillating, but because I took a lot of pictures and I hate to waste all the energy it took to press that button on my camera. It was exhausting.
I do have to tell you one thing out of order, because it is deeply important. As you know, because you follow my every move, on Friday evening I saw a puppy I wanted because IT NEEDED A HOME and also it was cute and also Talu needs a friend and also I want all puppies. Unless they’re going to be small dogs. I am just not a small-dog person in general and plus also, Tallulah would eat small dogs as she has an issue.
But this puppy was NOT a small dog, it was an Austalian shepherd, and when stupid Marvin said I could not have it, I did what all women who are two weeks from turning 45 do, I called my mother and told on him.
“Talk to Marvin,” I implored her. “Tell him to let me have that dog.”
“I don’t want to get involved,” said my mother, who has a master’s degree in social work.
Then I put the pictures up of said puppy.
I was on the phone with her when she first saw the pictures. First she made my stepfather come inside to look at the pictures. He had been peacefully smoking a cigar on the patio. Then she said, “Tell Marvin I will give him $750 if he lets you have that puppy.”
I went in and told Marvin, who STILL SAID NO.
“Tell him I will pay ALL its vet bills. For life,” said my mother, who didn’t want to get involved.
Marvin sat up straight and gets that look he gets when he is trying to wear the pants in this family. “I HAVE SPOKEN ON THIS MATTER,” he said, flaring his ridiculous nostrils.
“Did he just say ‘I have spoken?'” asked my mother, who again did not want to get involved. “Who is he, Yul Brynner in The King and I?”
“Perhaps he thinks he’s God,” I offered. “Maybe he thinks every time he talks, it’s in red font, like in the Bible.”
So that went well, and soon after Marvin and I walked over to his parents’ hotel to see fireworks. Following is an unretouched photo of me on the walk over.
Who was I pleased with? I mean, now he’s just being a butt. He was going to MAKE MONEY on this deal. And I don’t know how anyone can resist a face like mine.
Anyway, here’s what else we did yesterday.
Marvin’s mom wanted to go to the Bog Gardens. I do not know if you have ever been to Greensboro, but there are eight hundred thousand seven hundred fifty nine point three gardens and parks here. I do not know why. And I know I have seen a sign that reads “Bog Gardens” before, but I’ll be damned if I remember where.
I wasn’t even gonna go because of work but at the last minute I did, so we all got in the car, and I was in the back seat with Tallulah and my mother-in-law. When I am with my in-laws, I always end up in the back seat, whether my father-in-law is driving or Marvin, which is probably as it should be because I am the kid in this situation, but the problem is? I get carsick in the back.
So it turns out no one really knows where the damn Bog Garden is. And Marvin, being Marvin, says, “I just thought we’d go to the garden near our house.”
“No! I want to go to the actual Bog Garden,” said Marvin’s mom, who had some kind of guide to Greensboro, and who kept saying that according to the guide it was on Benjamin. Or Hobbes. Or Friendly. Or Starmount. Finally Marvin’s dad turned around in his seat and said to her, “You have just said it was on six streets.”
“I know,” said Marvin’s mother, defeated.
So we drove around and around, through windy streets, making U-turns, and it was the heat of the surface of the sun back there, and Tallulah is leaning on me with her 400-degree body and her fur and her pant-pant-panty hot breath and I was so regretting the nine million and forty-two Jelly Bellies I had had before I got in the car.
Who even knows how we found it. It is kind of on Friendly and Starmount and Hobbes and Benjamin.
After a few minutes outside I felt better, and I took this picture of me being at two with nature. And look! I appear to have a new wrinkle! Look at that line under my nose, like I’m getting oxygen all the time. Yay. Hello, 45.
I also tried to take a photo of Marin/Yul and me, but he had to ruin it and show you his cavity.
Indeed, there were geetz, and ducks, too. Fortunately, there were no babies this time so Lu did not get hissed at by any mom geese.
We stopped here and there was a huge sign about how you should not feed the geese, because they each provide the world with a POUND of feces a day, and minutes later a woman came over with a loaf of generic white bread. The best part of the story is that every time she threw bread in the water, Tallulah got on her hind legs and tried to eat the bread. I am the one who picks up her poop every day (Tallulah’s poop, not the woman’s) and I can guarantee you it is not a pound. The woman gave me bread to illegally feed the geese and I gave some to Talu, then tried very hard to only feed the ducks. Because what’s better for ducks than generic white bread? Mmmm! Stuffing!
So that was that portion of the day, and afterward Marvin’s parents seemed happy to be rid of us till it was time for us to walk over to see the fireworks.
On the walk over, when I wasn’t glaring at Marvin, I took a photo of Snowflake, the dog I pet every day when I walk Tallulah. She’s about nine months old and lives with three rambunctious little girls and have I mentioned I love Snowflake more than life itself?
Not that the little girls live alone, like Pippy Longstocking.
Anyway. Marvin’s parents’ hotel is a prime spot for watching fireworks, and a lot of people have dinner there outside and watch from their tables. We had dinner and planned to go to their room to watch, but on the way up Marvin’s mom said, “Let’s go to the Bog Gardens” and also “Why don’t we watch from the pool?”
Marvin didn’t like how the pool was fenced in. “It’s like we’re watching from a concentration camp,” he said. You know, Marvin and his parents are Jewish. Do you think concentration camp jokes are really a good idea?
Won’t you enjoy my red bra strap and the fireworks?
Also, I was so busy photographing the fireworks that I missed Saturn. Marvin was sitting on the end of my lounge chair and said, “Ooo! That one was Saturn!”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean it was perfectly round and had multiple rings. It was cool. Weren’t you looking?”
“No! I was taking pictures! Crap!”
I saw a couple more that had one ring and I’d ask if that was like the Saturn one but Marvin said no, it wasn’t as good.
When I got home and put the pictures on my computer, I can see here when I was just missing seeing Saturn because I was so busy photographing my life instead of living it. One wonders why I didn’t see it if I was photographing it, but I can’t see up close, and the flash was going off, and, crap.
Anyway, that was what I did on the 4th of July and by the way, I still have no puppy. Because Marvin has spoken.