If you don’t want me to kill flies with Steely Dan, don’t leave Steely Dan out

Today Marvin and I have been married 12 ridiculous years, which is beside the point because I have a lot to do today.

That book about the nature of light that I have been working on? It's due very soon. Then right behind that is another book due for that same company.

Also, I have been working on a sex book (yes) for somebody else and she has been incredibly patient, but the last time I gave her any new pages was before Marvin's parents were here. She just emailed me to tell me she has MORE pages for me, and who is tired of reading about sex? Is it me?

And of course, both of these clients are getting dumped and they know it, as soon as these jobs are done. I told them I have a full-time job, but I had committed to doing this work already before I got the job.

However, I am keeping the statistics textbook company because they treat me like gold and we have been together since 2002, and guess what? GUESS WHAT? They emailed me Friday that they are FEDEXing me something that's due Tuesday. Oh, and I have to work late at my real job tomorrow.

And did I mention I leave for Colorado later this week?

The good news is, Marvin got me this:

Necklace

I don't know how he guessed I wanted this, seeing as I emailed him the link from Sundance Catalog along with a note of plea, then reminded him of it a few days later. What a surprise! You could have knocked me over with a feather! But isn't it pretty? It reminds me of the ocean.

So I worked a lot yesterday and got up early and worked this morning, but I don't know if it's all the work or those experimental drugs I'm taking for my migraine, but long about noon I got so dang logy. I was outside on the deck, editing, and the breeze was blowing and I could have fallen right over and gone to sleep.

So I stomped in here and said to Marvin, "I'm going to rest my eyes for a minute."

I went to the bed and flopped down. Tallulah came with me, because she always comes with me everywhere I go. Apparently someone told her it was necessary to follow my every move, or else she has an unhealthy obsession with me, I don't know. At any rate, she galumphed onto the bed and put her chin on my legs.

"What are you doing?" asked Marvin, coming into the room.

Marvin always does this. I tell him what I'm doing and then he comes in and asks me what I'm doing. And the part where I am face-down on the bed with my eyes closed, breathing rhythmically, you'd think might have tipped him off.

"I'm conducting an orchestra," I groused. "What does it LOOK like I'm doing?"

"You taking a nap?" He leaped onto the bed. "HELLO TALU!" he said in a squeaky voice. "Who's my girl!? Who's my sleepy girl!"

Tallulah sighed and rolled her eyes at me. When Marvin speaks to the dog or the cats, his voice goes up 70 octaves.

"Tallulah likes you better," he said.

"Honey, I'm really trying to take a nap. I am exhausted and I have to get up and work again."

"Okay," Marvin said.

When he left, Talu and I readjusted and got ready to drift off. "Zzzzt!" we heard. "Zzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzZZZZZZzzzzzt!"

There was a stupid stupid stupid stupid fly in the room. And it kept BUZZING next to my ear. You don't even want to know what swear words I came up with as I swatted at it.

"What are you DOING?" Marvin asked, entering the room.

"Why does everyone in this house concern themselves with my every move!" I yelled, swatting.

"You aren't killing a fly with Steely Dan!" Marvin said. I had his paperback book in my hand.

"If you don't want me to kill flies with Steely Dan, don't leave Steely Dan out," I said sensibly, smashing said fly to bits. God, there's nothing better than murdering a fly that's been bugging you.

No sooner did I flop back down on the bed when another.effing.fly.came into the room. What was this, the Amityville Horror? I grabbed Steely and his Dan again.

"What are you DOING?"

Honest to God. He asked me again. "Well, stop making huge NOISES if you don't want me to wonder what you're doing," he said.

This time I was so mad that I managed to murder the fly in seconds. Tallulah, nervous about me swishing a book everywhere and cursing, cowered out of the room.

I got back in bed just as Marvin came back into the room.

"You ready to get jiggy wid it?" he asked.

What he's got is some TIMING.

"I'm ready to get KNIFEY with it, is what I'm ready for," I said, wishing I had a Marvin-sized Steely Dan paperback. "I have an idea," I said. "Let's pretend it's our wedding day and not see each other till six o'clock."

"Geez. What a crabapple."

So that's been our romantic anniversary thus far. Maybe Marvin could go read my sex book or something.

I'll see you after the chicken dance, Marv.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

23 thoughts on “If you don’t want me to kill flies with Steely Dan, don’t leave Steely Dan out”

  1. That Marvin has impeccable timing, he does!
    Hilarious!
    I am glad you liked your baby pig soaps. I wanted something pink for you (surprise) and I was in that store for about 1/2 an hour trying to find the perfect gift for you! You would love that store, O’Rama’s where I bought them. They have all manner of girly things. I will take you there next time you visit!
    Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Crabapple! : )

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  2. I am all a-giggle from this splendid anniversary tale.
    What is it about men? The second I’m on a bed, my husband thinks this is an open invitation to get jiggy wid it. The same goes for the bath. In fact, now that I think about it, the same goes for everywhere I am or anything I’m doing. Geez.
    I love that necklace. You picked yourself out one fine birthday present, June. It’s always the best way to do things when it comes to a husband. If I don’t tell him exactly what I want, I end up with clothes from Fredericks Of Hollywood. I do not buy my clothes from there, so I don’t understand why my husband thinks I should dress like a cheap hooker. And that is why I pick out my own birthday presents.
    Happy Anniversary. May you find the rest you need

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  3. Speaking of being a knifey wifey…
    Terra gets amorous whenever I am wielding the sharpest butcher knife chopping onions next to the open flame of the gas range. What the heck is wit dat? Did I mention that I don’t have great control of my right hand because of a car accident? Is it the danger that excites him?
    Happy anniversary, Crabella. It might be your last one seeing how you may have to kill him and all.

    Like

  4. Speaking of being a knifey wifey…
    Terra gets amorous whenever I am wielding the sharpest butcher knife chopping onions next to the open flame of the gas range. What the heck is wit dat? Did I mention that I don’t have great control of my right hand because of a car accident? Is it the danger that excites him?
    Happy anniversary, Crabella. It might be your last one seeing how you may have to kill him and all.

    Like

  5. Speaking of being a knifey wifey…
    Terra gets amorous whenever I am wielding the sharpest butcher knife chopping onions next to the open flame of the gas range. What the heck is wit dat? Did I mention that I don’t have great control of my right hand because of a car accident? Is it the danger that excites him?
    Happy anniversary, Crabella. It might be your last one seeing how you may have to kill him and all.

    Like

  6. It took me a minute to realize that Steely Dan was a paperback book. I always heard that the band was named after a giant vibrator. I kept thinking “why is June killing a fly with a giant vibrator and why is she blogging about it?”
    I nearly sliced my thumb off yesterday. I got five stitches and now I have frankenthumb.

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  7. “…wishing I had a Marvin-sized Steely Dan paperback.” Hysterical. I can just picture you chasing him around the house wielding a huge book.
    Happy Anniversary! Hope you two make it through the rest of the day together. And if you can accomplish that, then many more happy years together!

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  8. “…wishing I had a Marvin-sized Steely Dan paperback.” my favorite part too! Hilarious.
    Men aren’t just from another planet, but another universe. I swear my husband gets stupider every ding dang day. And then he wonders why I am so pissy…

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  9. You chose well, it’s very pretty. Always romantic when you have to tell them what to get. Sometimes I will hand him a list at xmas time, pick from this I say. Do I get what’s on the list? No, because he has lost the list. So, I end up returning stuff a lot. And he has the nerve to tell me I’m hard to shop for. I’ll have to pin it to his shirt next time.
    Happy Anniversary!

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  10. Interesting that Steely Dan and sex were in the same post. I am sure Marvin is versed on the name origin. Here is the passage from “Naked Lunch”:
    William S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch:
    Mary is strapping on a rubber penis. “Steely Dan III from Yokohama,” she says, caressing the shaft.
    “What happen to Steely Dan I?”
    “He was torn in two by a bull dyke. She could cave in a lead pipe.”
    “And Steely Dan II?”
    “Chewed to bits by a famished candiru in the Upper Baboonsasshole. And don’t say ‘wheeeeeeee!’ this time.”

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  11. Happy Anniversary! May the celebrations never end in the Gardens household.

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  12. I’ve come to the conclusion that Marvin is the source of your comedic gold. Please remember this when you get all knifey with him and leave the funny parts that leave out his love for Rush. Have a jiggytastic anniversary!

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  13. Whoa! Who needs to read her comment before posting?? Uh huh, ME! What I meant to say was:
    I’ve come to the conclusion that Marvin is the source of your comedic gold. Please remember this when you get all knifey with him and leave the funny parts. Oh and leave out his love for Rush. Have a jiggytastic anniversary!

    Like

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