You know what I bet you wish? Which was a lovely, not-at-all convoluted sentence. I'll bet you wish I'd stop complaining about how much work I have to do. But as Randy on American Idol says every single time I've ever watched that show, which is like five times, check it.
I worked at my regularly scheduled job yesterday, got home at 6:15, and worked till 11:18 on the stupid, stupid, redunkulous freelance stuff I am still trying to get out of here from back when I was a freelancer.
I got up at 6:50 and stampeded back to my work, which I just finished and got on the computer to write this blog. In my email? The sex book lady has MORE PAGES FOR ME. HOW MUCH SEX IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?
At any rate, by the end of August I should be caught up, so I will just be in this living hell of working like one of Thomas Edison's employees for another month.
Did you know Thomas Edison was a crappy employer? Made his people stay for days at work and so on. I know where they all wanted to put that light bulb.
This does not mean that I have forgotten about how I was gonna tell you that Tallulah got a little, you know, chubby. Got a little badonk-a-donk in her withers. Got a little secretary spread in her hind parts.
And you know I kind of noticed? I mean, she's part Pit Bull, right? So she has this big barrel chest which makes it easier to digest toddlers or something, and then she always had this dramatic swoop at the back where her tiny feminine waist was.
I just tried to look for a good example of when she was slim, and instead I found this nice shot of the intimate bond that is my cats. Look how connected they are. Could they be acting more like they've never met each other?
Anyway. Trust me. Girlfriend had a dramatic waist. She was the Scarlet O'Hara of dogs.
But then from November till this month, I have been home with her, which means she wasn't playing 10 hours a day at dog day care, and also too she was catching in her cute snout a scrap from everything I ate. And we all know what a health nut I am. Pop Tarts? Talu was getting a scrap. Fry? Catching it in midair.
I enjoy watching her catch her food when I throw it, and also it's cute when she chews. So it's all my fault.
And she literally ran around the entire.time. she was at day care. The owner there told me that other dogs go on the beds provided and hang out, but that Tallulah is the life of the party, constantly running eagerly from one dog to the next–as long as they're not, you know, small. You know how she gets about the small dog.
I am sorry. I did not raise her to be this way. Have you met my free-to-be-you-and-me childhood? Of course I didn't raise her that way. We are all equal equal equal. That's how I was raised. Everyone is wonderful, except for Republicans.
Well, I'm sorry mom, that WAS how I was raised. I had to work hard to embrace the Republican. And look at me now, embracing Faithful Reader and unbelievably conservative Hulk. Well. Not literally.
Maybe little dogs are all Republican and Tallulah is catching some vibe from her grandma.
Have we already discussed this? Which dogs would be Democrats and which would be Republican? I think we did. I see Golden retrievers as Republican. I see mutts as Democrats.
Pit Bulls? Libertarians.
What say you?
Anyway. I was supposed to tell you other things and clearly I am never gonna get to them because I have to go to work. The POINT is, she looked a little junky in her trunky and sure enough, we took her for her shots this weekend and Talu has gained SIX POUNDS. She is only 20 inches tall, so, you know, six pounds isn't pretty.
And does anyone remember when Talu was thin, and I was so smug, and I lectured my mother about her fat dogs? Her giant Beagle (Republican) and her blue Healer (Independent)? Okay, but they are really fat. My vet said Talu was still acceptable, but last time she was ideal.
Ideal. Did you hear that? My dog was Megan Fox. Scarlet O'Hara and Megan Fox. My dog is a total self-centered bitch. Who marries David Silver, apparently.
So she has to eat two small meals now, in the morning and at night. And yesterday she went back to day care, and I cannot tell you how excited she was to get back there and roll on the floor and pee down her own leg in the lobby and so forth.
I'm talking about Megan Fox now. I have no idea what I'ma do with Tallulah.