Well, that was exciting. We had some fire in the comments yesterday! Okay, it wasn't really all that dramatic. Still.
So let's keep going! What say you? I am just like Dr. Laura or something, with all my controversy.
I wonder if there is anyone on earth who bugs me more than Dr. Laura. She's just so MEAN to her callers. She's always out of patience with everyone. I think she's burned out on her job. Is what I think. No one needs to be that crabby.
Anyway, I have gathered you all here today to talk about kids. I know I said two days ago I was gonna talk about how one of my coworkers has his art in one of those Art-O-Mat machines.
One of my coworkers has his art in one of those Art-O-Mat machines. I mean, what more can I say about it? I can't tell you his name because I am trying to keep my workplace and everything about it on the downlow so I don't become Dooce. So I don't get fired and end up making $40,000 a month at home on my arse parts. That does sound awful, doesn't it?
Katie Couric. She bugs me more than Dr. Laura, I think. Just her whole gummy smile. Get some LIPS. God.
The other day I read an article about Eva Mendes, and she said if you meet women (like me) who say they get along better with men and they don't have a lot of women friends, you should run the other way. Coincidentally, you know who bugs the CRAP out of me? Eva Mendes. She always looks like she needs a shower. And some astringent. She's just so unkempt. And she thinks she's sexy when really? Hello. Please shower. A little cotton ball, a little Sea Breeze. Maybe a brush. Then we can talk.
And stop wearing TANK TOPS all the time. You're a girl. You're not Popeye.
Goodness I wish I'd get to the point. Kids. I was gonna talk about kids.
Do they even make Sea Breeze anymore? What about Ten-O-Six Lotion? Remember that stuff? It was basically brown alcohol.
Okay, KIDS. Honest.
I have said this before, and obviously I have said everything on earth before because look at the 8203842 paragraphs above, but you may have noticed that I am 45 and married and I have no kids.
The reason I am 45 and have no kids is because I have never wanted kids. Not once. Not for a second. There has never been one instance where I have thought, "Oh! Kids! Wish I had some!"
People seem to immediately say, "Well, you know June. She hates kids." And I DON'T! I don't know why people prefer to think that if I don't WANT my OWN kids, I think they should all be eradicated from the planet. Kids are fine. I mean, not on my plane, generally, but you know. At a barbecue. At Gymboree. When you're in line at the grocery store. Etc.
I find kids amusing most times, and some of them are very cute. But as you can see from my tepid description, here, I do not have the Jones. The urge. That primal drive to have kids. Which is what I think you should feel in order to go out and have them.
And here is what I think. I think LOTS of women feel the way I do, but they'd never dream of not having kids because it's what people expect. And it's not always easy to be childless. I mean, it's a hell of a lot easier than having a passel of kids, I'm certain of that. But there are challenges to opting for this rather unusual choice.
I have been called selfish (by a woman who had seven kids, the last two when she knew her husband was having an affair and she got pregnant on purpose to keep him at home for a while longer. Then he did leave and she was back on the prowl when I met her, going out most nights and leaving the kids with her mom) (but I was selfish).
I have been asked who will take care of me when I'm older. I love that one. That's why you have kids? Anyway, for the record, my cousin Katie is 12 years younger than me, and is a nurse, and has told me she'll take care of me when the inevitable dementia and/or cancer sets in that everyone in my family gets.
I have been asked, "What do you DO with your time?" like if you don't have to schlep kids to soccer every Saturday you must be at a total loss for entertainment.
And look, sometimes it's kind of lonely. Almost all my friends popped out the, you know, progeny. So they aren't able to just hang with me at the Peanut Barrel all afternoon anymore, throwing peanut shells on the floor and listening to the juke box.
The Peanut Barrel was a bar in my college town. I wonder if it's still there? You could always get someone to go with you to get a pitcher of beer at the Peanut Barrel.
Nevertheless, I do not regret my decision at all.
And I have some friends who were BORN to be parents. They are all up in the parent thing, making up activities, and telling me the clever thing their kid did. But some people? Seem like they did it because they were supposed to.
So tell me the truth. Did you have kids because you felt the absolute undeniable urge to do so? Or did you just do it by rote? Do you sometimes wish you hadn't? If you do not have kids, do you ever wish you had? When? And do you think I was selfish for not having kids?
And do you think your kids are Tea Partiers?
Okay, that was only funny if you read my controversial comments yesterday. Or, you know, not.