Am.I.black.or.white.am.I.straight.or.gay. Controgersy! “Controgersy.” Nice. What do I do for a living, again?

Well, that was exciting. We had some fire in the comments yesterday! Okay, it wasn't really all that dramatic. Still.

So let's keep going! What say you? I am just like Dr. Laura or something, with all my controversy.

I wonder if there is anyone on earth who bugs me more than Dr. Laura. She's just so MEAN to her callers. She's always out of patience with everyone. I think she's burned out on her job. Is what I think. No one needs to be that crabby.

Anyway, I have gathered you all here today to talk about kids. I know I said two days ago I was gonna talk about how one of my coworkers has his art in one of those Art-O-Mat machines.

One of my coworkers has his art in one of those Art-O-Mat machines. I mean, what more can I say about it? I can't tell you his name because I am trying to keep my workplace and everything about it on the downlow so I don't become Dooce. So I don't get fired and end up making $40,000 a month at home on my arse parts. That does sound awful, doesn't it?

Katie Couric. She bugs me more than Dr. Laura, I think. Just her whole gummy smile. Get some LIPS. God.

The other day I read an article about Eva Mendes, and she said if you meet women (like me) who say they get along better with men and they don't have a lot of women friends, you should run the other way. Coincidentally, you know who bugs the CRAP out of me? Eva Mendes. She always looks like she needs a shower. And some astringent. She's just so unkempt. And she thinks she's sexy when really? Hello. Please shower. A little cotton ball, a little Sea Breeze. Maybe a brush. Then we can talk.

  Eva-mendes-calvin-klein-fall-winter

Why is she with Levi Johnston?
20070518-eva_mendes_047

And stop wearing TANK TOPS all the time. You're a girl. You're not Popeye.

Goodness I wish I'd get to the point. Kids. I was gonna talk about kids.

Do they even make Sea Breeze anymore? What about Ten-O-Six Lotion? Remember that stuff? It was basically brown alcohol.

Okay, KIDS. Honest.

I have said this before, and obviously I have said everything on earth before because look at the 8203842 paragraphs above, but you may have noticed that I am 45 and married and I have no kids.

The reason I am 45 and have no kids is because I have never wanted kids. Not once. Not for a second. There has never been one instance where I have thought, "Oh! Kids! Wish I had some!"

People seem to immediately say, "Well, you know June. She hates kids." And I DON'T! I don't know why people prefer to think that if I don't WANT my OWN kids, I think they should all be eradicated from the planet. Kids are fine. I mean, not on my plane, generally, but you know. At a barbecue. At Gymboree. When you're in line at the grocery store. Etc.

I find kids amusing most times, and some of them are very cute. But as you can see from my tepid description, here, I do not have the Jones. The urge. That primal drive to have kids. Which is what I think you should feel in order to go out and have them.

And here is what I think. I think LOTS of women feel the way I do, but they'd never dream of not having kids because it's what people expect. And it's not always easy to be childless. I mean, it's a hell of a lot easier than having a passel of kids, I'm certain of that. But there are challenges to opting for this rather unusual choice.

I have been called selfish (by a woman who had seven kids, the last two when she knew her husband was having an affair and she got pregnant on purpose to keep him at home for a while longer. Then he did leave and she was back on the prowl when I met her, going out most nights and leaving the kids with her mom) (but I was selfish).

Me
Me as a baby

I have been asked who will take care of me when I'm older. I love that one. That's why you have kids? Anyway, for the record, my cousin Katie is 12 years younger than me, and is a nurse, and has told me she'll take care of me when the inevitable dementia and/or cancer sets in that everyone in my family gets.

I have been asked, "What do you DO with your time?" like if you don't have to schlep kids to soccer every Saturday you must be at a total loss for entertainment.

And look, sometimes it's kind of lonely. Almost all my friends popped out the, you know, progeny. So they aren't able to just hang with me at the Peanut Barrel all afternoon anymore, throwing peanut shells on the floor and listening to the juke box.

The Peanut Barrel was a bar in my college town. I wonder if it's still there? You could always get someone to go with you to get a pitcher of beer at the Peanut Barrel.

Nevertheless, I do not regret my decision at all.

Marv
Marvin as a baby

And I have some friends who were BORN to be parents. They are all up in the parent thing, making up activities, and telling me the clever thing their kid did. But some people? Seem like they did it because they were supposed to.

So tell me the truth. Did you have kids because you felt the absolute undeniable urge to do so? Or did you just do it by rote? Do you sometimes wish you hadn't? If you do not have kids, do you ever wish you had? When? And do you think I was selfish for not having kids?

And do you think your kids are Tea Partiers?

Okay, that was only funny if you read my controversial comments yesterday. Or, you know, not.

180 thoughts on “Am.I.black.or.white.am.I.straight.or.gay. Controgersy! “Controgersy.” Nice. What do I do for a living, again?

  1. Oh I am SEETHING too much right now to comment or even think straight. There is no way anything I say now will be eloquent and not interlaced with hypenated curse words because Not Target Steve’s Beth is a festering syphillitic asshole. How DARE she assume and lump people together, painting all parents with children in day care with the same unfeeling and financially irresponsible paintbrush? Was there a sale on crystal balls at her dollar store so she can see all?
    Not that I feel I have to justify my actions/decisions to such an unmitigated boob, but my husband (of 26 years) and I waited five years to start our family. We had two children and we both had careers. You know what? FUCK IT. I’m NOT going to justify it. My kids are GREAT. You, Not Target Steve’s Beth, need to change more than your name.

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  2. Oh I am SEETHING too much right now to comment or even think straight. There is no way anything I say now will be eloquent and not interlaced with hypenated curse words because Not Target Steve’s Beth is a festering syphillitic asshole. How DARE she assume and lump people together, painting all parents with children in day care with the same unfeeling and financially irresponsible paintbrush? Was there a sale on crystal balls at her dollar store so she can see all?
    Not that I feel I have to justify my actions/decisions to such an unmitigated boob, but my husband (of 26 years) and I waited five years to start our family. We had two children and we both had careers. You know what? FUCK IT. I’m NOT going to justify it. My kids are GREAT. You, Not Target Steve’s Beth, need to change more than your name.

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  3. First, Eva Mendez is NOT cute. And second, I don’t care what you do with your life, but if you do find yourself (and this goes for everyone, not just June) with child, BE NICE to it. I’m so freaking sick of the “children are a huge pain let’s dress them up like a dog so we can fly across the country without paying for their plane ticket” mentality. That commercial BUGS me.
    p.s. I’m thinking of joining the Tea Party, not for the gay sex, but for the tax cuts. Oh oh! And because Eva Mendez probably isn’t a member.

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  4. Wow – I took a couple of days off from the blog world and am trying to catch up. I can’t believe how much I missed!
    Yesterday’s comments were fiery!! (I love June’s mom and I love Furry!!)
    I never had an overwhelming desire to have kids when I was younger, but once I turned 29 it was like a switch was turned on – I had the baby lust bad. Although I didn’t have the “urge”, still I always thought I would be a mom…you know, “someday”. Anyway, I had 2 kids, 2 years apart in my early thirties and I can’t imagine my life without them now. Still, I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that there were times when I wondered if I would have been better off NOT having had kids. I think all moms doubt whether they are doing a good enough job as a mother, and of course I would LOVE to have more time for myself…and more money too!
    I applaud your honesty in knowing that having a child wasn’t the right decision for you. I know several people who made the same decision, and they have never regretted it.
    I love my kids, and my family…but once a woman makes the decision to have a child, she loses a part of her identity. You are still June. I, alas, am just “Mom” now. And yeah, sometimes I miss just being Lisa.

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  5. No kids. No husband or boyfriend. And I’m fine with it. Just before I had my 40th birthday, I DID wonder if I would have regrets. And… here I am today, fast approaching 52 and it’s OK. Life with all its stresses and frustrations is still pretty good!

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  6. I want(ed) to have a family, but not by myself. I do realize how much hard work it is. So since Mr. Wonderful has never come along, no little wonderettes.
    I feel ya Melissa.

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  7. Furry, I felt my heart hurt when you said you hated being a kid.
    I loved being a kid. My childhood was fantastic, EVEN THOUGH BOTH MY PARENTS WORKED!
    But by talking to my own daughter I can understand not loving being a kid. And it always makes me sad to think there are children feeling that way right now.
    For crying out loud June, tomorrow could we please talk about humming birds, rainbows or butterflies? Please?
    There is an upside Furry. I felt all pink puffy heart with glitter when you said you love being an adult.

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  8. Furry, I felt my heart hurt when you said you hated being a kid.
    I loved being a kid. My childhood was fantastic, EVEN THOUGH BOTH MY PARENTS WORKED!
    But by talking to my own daughter I can understand not loving being a kid. And it always makes me sad to think there are children feeling that way right now.
    For crying out loud June, tomorrow could we please talk about humming birds, rainbows or butterflies? Please?
    There is an upside Furry. I felt all pink puffy heart with glitter when you said you love being an adult.

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  9. Furry, I felt my heart hurt when you said you hated being a kid.
    I loved being a kid. My childhood was fantastic, EVEN THOUGH BOTH MY PARENTS WORKED!
    But by talking to my own daughter I can understand not loving being a kid. And it always makes me sad to think there are children feeling that way right now.
    For crying out loud June, tomorrow could we please talk about humming birds, rainbows or butterflies? Please?
    There is an upside Furry. I felt all pink puffy heart with glitter when you said you love being an adult.

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  10. The comment from Jill Munroe about Eva and her B.O. is hilarious. Very well said!
    My husband and I are trying to get pregnant right now, after 8 years of marriage and every one in the family constantly asking, “so when are you going to have a baaaabbyy…”
    I think I have a pretty realistic view of what having a kid is going to be like, not all fun and games; but I am looking forward to feeling unconditional love towards my little offspring when she/he arrives.

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  11. Aw, Furry – thanks!! Sometimes it doesn’t feel like there is much “Lisa” left at the end of the day and sometimes “Mom” isn’t so nice…but you’re right. And, have I mentioned lately that I LOVE you? You are awesome!
    Also, put me on Team Paula too!

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  12. And also, June? You were wise enough to realize what not enough people do…that having a baby is the easy part. Babies are cute and cuddly and relatively simple to take care of. But then they become toddlers, and pre-schoolers, and kids, and (gasp!) teenagers. They get into trouble, they don’t do their homework, they have one million and seventy-three different (expensive) activities, they are messy, they have friends who are messy, and they are a lot of work! Having a child is about a lot more than having someone to take care of you when you get old, or having grandchildren for your parents to spoil. Kids are a LOT of hard work. I think mine are worth if, but kudos to you for being true to yourself!

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  13. When we were watching Beth’s nephew, and he needed his bottom wiped, I refused. Beth told me we could not have kids until I was ready to wipe our child’s bottom. Now, after 13 years of being pooped, peed, and vomited upon; being kicked in the jewels; watching him get stitches; and many more such things; I would not have changed a thing.
    However, I don’t have a dog because I would love it, but not want to walk it in the cold or pick up its poop with a Target bag.
    God knows what is best for us and what we can handle. It all works out. Amen.

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  14. When we’d been married for about 2 seconds, my in-laws kept asking “When are you going to have kids?” Finally I blinked at them, said “Well, we thought about it, but a cat is a lot less work.” They stopped asking.
    But last Sept. I finally felt ready and here I am, 7 months to go.

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  15. I never ever wanted children. Motherhood was never made attractive to me by my mom or grandmother. This was reinforced by friends when my husband and I first married said they never had any problems or disagreements until they had children. Maybe I’m just a coward, but having a child is the easy part, raising a child properly to become a productive member of society is the hard part. The ability to have a child does not quality one as a good parent. I can identify with Furry not enjoying being a child.
    After almost 44 years of a wonderful marriage, I have never regretted not having children. Having children does not guarantee they will take care of you when you are old. When my husband’s mother was in the nursing home there were many ladies there that never had visitors, even though they had children. Sad.
    It always irked me when people wanted to know when we were going to have children. We finally got fed up and would response, “did it ever occur to you we can’t have children?” They shut up. And the people that think you have more time, more money and less responsibility just because you don’t have children.

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  16. Oh for Pete’s sake. Really? Really? You’re gonna knock my kid’s success because you hate Hummers? Do you hate 3 bdrm colonials with 2 1/2 bathrooms too? How about 3 car garages. Oh wait, it’s on a cul de sac. Too cookie cutter?
    Okay, let me revise my comment. My DIL to be drives a sports utility vehicle that my son purchased for her. It is smaller than the new Tahoe my SO just bought and it gets much better gas mileage.
    I’d just like to say…I don’t like unicorns. They’re too horny.
    But Dad of Cosmo, give me a big winged white horse and I’ll be all happy.

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  17. I have to go back and read all these comments more carefully, but for the record — I have played many roles in my life — daughter, sister, wife, friend, boss, employee — nothing has brought me deeper joy and satisfaction than being a mother. You get to watch life unfold all over again through someone else’s eyes — the delight in a balloon, or ice cream, or the ocean — even the grief of a boy dumping you. I have 3 children of my own (now 30, 28 and 26), and 3 stepchildren (23 year old twins, and a 21 year old).
    My husband and I were both widowed so we are The Brady Bunch (we even have 3 boys and 3 girls). I love this noisy, expensive, chaotic life. It is full of tumult and fun. I love when they are home, and now I also love when they are gone. I can’t wait to be a grandma. One is married, the 2nd is engaged. It won’t be long.
    It’s good that some of us love children. It’s good that some of us don’t want them. Just know your own heart.

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  18. I’m 41 and with Susan: no Mr. Wonderful, no little wonderettes. C’est la vie.
    I’m also with Duffy: let’s bring back the puppies and rainbows and butterflies.

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  19. June…why you gotta hate on tank tops? How do you not love a good tank top?
    Hulk…didn’t you ever see the movie Hitch or We Own the Night? Eva Mendes was in those movies. She’s an actress and not a Paris Hilton/Kardashian type actress. Although, I love you for sharing that Kardashian story.

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  20. Ok, so I’m late to the party.
    I was the oldest of 5 and always was bothered byt having to attend to siblings. I assumed I would have them someday but it was “when I had nothing better to do.”
    Hubby and I waited until people stopped asking (about 8 years) before having kids. Had one perfect boy…and then another pan in the butt but equally perfect boy. Then quit. Done. Shop’s closed.

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  21. The party is about over by now, but I’ll still chime in. We had 2 kids when we were young, and love them still. Would we do it over again? Yep, but only if we could know what we know now. I think we would be better parents. The oldest didn’t appreciate it when I quoted Erma Bombeck to him. “Children should be like waffles. You should be able to throw the first one out.”
    My 60 year old hat is off to everyone who works hard to rear their children. There are many ways to do it and NO perfect way. Also, cheers to those who know that being child free is the best choice for them. Hey, I can appreciate you all. Its taken a looooong time for me to learn tolerance. However a soap boxer who doesn’t allow for the fact that others may disagree gets my dander all riled up.
    Hey y’all…Junie, June’s blog is up for the funniest award. These last couple of days should cinch it! What shall we discuss tomorrow, the lighter side of arson?
    ps, the slut in the thin, skin tight tank top looks like a sleazy slut. And sitting there with legs spread wide open. Yeah, that is a real lady. My mama would have had something to say about that. I can’t tell you the words that come to mind, cause Mama had a nasty tasting bar of soap and I can still taste it.
    Looking forward to tomorrow’s fun.

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  22. I’m always late to everything – party, work, dropping kid at daycare (crap, I outed myself as one of those unwholesome working parents, didn’t I?).
    I’ve known since I was a teenager that I did not want to nor would I ever give birth. I’ve also known that I would be a mom come hell or high water but that my kid would be from China. At age 37 my dream came true.
    She is my world, the light of my life, and I would live, die, and kill for her. I love being her mom and know that I could never have created a more majestic and magnificent child (who can still be a great big humungo PITA – she is 3, after all so that’s her job).
    But the ASSumptions I get from people: Don’t you want one of your own? Couldn’t you have children? Etc and so on. ARGH! Makes me want to scream. And then they don’t believe me when I tell them we chose adoption as the way we wanted to build our family – like there has to be a painful backstory or something.
    Sorry – I vented.
    If we hadn’t been able to adopt from China then we would have remained childfree. We would have been a little sad but okay with it – there are perks. For instance, vacations in Paris NOT DIsneyworld (again). I think it’s great that you recognized your feelings, made a choice, and are happy with that. I wish more people would put that much thought into it. There’d be a whole lot less child abuse and neglect in the world, I think.

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  23. I have hated Dr. Laura bitch since I worked w/ Dad about 15 years ago and had to hear her vile from his cubish area… is she still on?? As for kids, that was the question, right, I always thought I’d have lots and wanted them… I ended up with oopsy preg at 26, the father and I tried to make it work, we split when my son was 2 and a half. I ended up raising him alone – and it worked out wonderful. Something to be said for kids raised by a single parent without the conflicts of a relationship – even if a good one – a single parent devotes more time and attention to the kid without any relationship worry, of course there is no sex for a while. My son graduated high school this spring – know any good men?

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  24. I turned 45 this year too, in May. Still haven’t decided if I’m old… but stuff is starting to ache and creak… not sure I like it.

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  25. Soooo with you on the kid front there, June Bug. But here is what is weird: even though 98% of the time I want nothing to do with child bearing or rearing about 2% of the time I have this super strong hormonal, alien like, urge to have some. I get all emotional and shit and fight with my husband about why we aren’t going to have any, then it passes and I’m like “whooo, glad I didn’t actually go and get pregnant!” What is with that?

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  26. I was hoping you would update early today so I could move on from my State of Agitated Annoyance, but it’s really just as well. I have to get going because first I to make bail for my (day-care-raised) daughter who’s in jail for giving blow jobs at the Holland Tunnel to support her meth habit, and then I want to pop in at Riker’s Island to visit my (day-car-raised) son who’s doing time for a crime he didn’t commit, he was totally framed (by a loving raised-at-home God-fearing yet troubled young man), and then, you know, I still have to get to work, which has ALWAYS been more important to me than either of my kids.

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  27. I was hoping you would update early today so I could move on from my State of Agitated Annoyance, but it’s really just as well. I have to get going because first I to make bail for my (day-care-raised) daughter who’s in jail for giving blow jobs at the Holland Tunnel to support her meth habit, and then I want to pop in at Riker’s Island to visit my (day-car-raised) son who’s doing time for a crime he didn’t commit, he was totally framed (by a loving raised-at-home God-fearing yet troubled young man), and then, you know, I still have to get to work, which has ALWAYS been more important to me than either of my kids.

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  28. I was hoping you would update early today so I could move on from my State of Agitated Annoyance, but it’s really just as well. I have to get going because first I to make bail for my (day-care-raised) daughter who’s in jail for giving blow jobs at the Holland Tunnel to support her meth habit, and then I want to pop in at Riker’s Island to visit my (day-car-raised) son who’s doing time for a crime he didn’t commit, he was totally framed (by a loving raised-at-home God-fearing yet troubled young man), and then, you know, I still have to get to work, which has ALWAYS been more important to me than either of my kids.

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  29. I can’t imagine my life without my kids. But, I’m so glad that I waited until my late 20’s to have them because I was too immature to handle them before that. I would be lying if I didn’t sometimes wonder what it would be like to be childless (we had so much more money with two incomes) but I wouldn’t change anything. In fact, I’d LOVE another one. I’m seriously baby horny but Hubby is pretty smug about his big V. I was watching “I didn’t know I was pregnant” and was seriously jealous of all these women with surprise babies. I want one too. Dang smug Hubby and his big old V.

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  30. I wanted to be a Mom before I knew what it meant to be a wife. I love my own kids, other people’s not so much. Your kids are only cute to you. Anyway, I will never regret having children. The marriage is another story.
    June, I am appalled that someone would call you selfish for not having kids. I love how some people give themselves permission to speak into our lives uninvited. I truly believe God calls each of us to different things, so more power to you for being true to who you are instead of fitting some mold…that never works well.

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  31. Yikes, I posted my comment before reading the ones before. I know, I know, live and let live, entitled to her opinion blah blah blah but, can we show her the door? Please?

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  32. I wanted my little boy. I really had to think about whether I definitely wanted kids. I might have assumed them for a while, not really thinking about it, but then a few years after I got married, I was the one in Key West going, “Look! Another stroller! People take children on vacation! Life doesn’t totally end!” My husband of course patiently said, “no, Katie, life continues.” He was sure. I took a while to evaluate the evidence. I never wish I hadn’t had him, because even with the pelvis that will never be the same and the raging post partum depression, I’d knowingly go through it all again. I do–however–wish there was some sort of legal and perfectly safe child sleeping pill. Just so he would sleep later in the day. Perhaps after 6:45 (and that’s late) once in a while.
    Oh, not freaking selfish. No way. The “you’re selfish” people are @ssholes and idiots. How could it be selfish to not have children that you didn’t want in the first place?

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  33. Had to come out of lurking to post a comment to this one! I’m turning 30 next week – NEVER wanted kids, don’t think that will ever change. I feel a TREMENDOUS amount of pressure to have kids from everyone. Luckily, my husband feels even less inclined to have kids than me. I avoid my friends’ babies when there are other people around b/c I inevitably get a thousand comments like “you’re getting some practice!” or “when will you start having kids?” or “so you hate kids, huh?”. It drives me crazy. I’ve also been called selfish for not wanting kids (by a man that was cheating on his wife while she served our country in Iraq!) and had comments about getting old alone. Sadly many of the people that DO have kids are idiots that should not have their genes passed on…

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  34. Did you go to Indiana University? We’re about the same age, and the Peanut Barrel was also a popular bar in Bloomington in the 80’s.

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  35. I never liked kids. Got married. Two years later it hit me like a wall that I NEEDED to have a baby. I became a MOTHER – through and through. Now I’m an empty nester and loving it! We are who we are and no one should judge.

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  36. Didn’t get married until my late 30s and then immediately started trying — we both wanted the experience, I think (and perhaps a shot at being better parents than our own were). My girls are the loves of my life, but very glad I didn’t have more than two… and yes, I do wonder sometimes what my life would have been like without kids (more money, movies and travel, for starters). And yes, I sometimes fantasize about being an empty-nester…

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  37. I have one child. He was born soon after I turned 38. I had been married for 14 years (on and off) by that time. I was pretty sure I wanted kids but not sure I would be a good parent because I am selfish. But time began to run out so I had to make the decision. What helped make the decision, silly as it sounds, was caring for our ten-year old dog through the last few weeks of his life when he went from healthy to ill seemingly overnight. It was exausting and heartbreaking, but it showed me what I could do for love.
    I have never regretted having a child, sometimes wish I had had a second. I often wish I had started earlier.
    I do not think it is a selfish thing to not have a child. I think if you believe for any reason that parenthood is not for you, that is actually unselfish. Selfish is having kids because you can and expecting everyone else’s worlds revolve around YOUR kids.
    Parenthood can be happy and fulfilling, but it is not always that way, and for some, it is never that way. Sad, but true.

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  38. Grrr, typed a whole comment and lost it.
    Short version, I have one child, born when I was 38. I thought for a long time I was too selfish to have children. It is a big decision to have children and there is really no turning back.
    I have never regretted having a child, sometimes regret not having another, often regret waiting so long.
    I think it is not selfish to choose not to have children, no matter the reason. Quite the opposite. It is selfish, imo, to reproduce just because one can, and to expect everyone’s worlds to revolve around said children.

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  39. I’m in the opposite position, as in the majority of my friends say they don’t want children and it’s starting to look like they really mean it. I stand out with my ridiculous maternal urges that have made me want to have a baby since I was barely an adult. My Mum’s been dropping hints though, which I find odd because I know she has no desire to be the free babysitter.

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