Wind Beneath My Grill

In case you were worried sick, I am still on vacation in Colorado. I did not storm home in any sort of family drama huff or anything. In fact, we went to my Aunt Mary's downtown–not that she owns the downtown, and why not? Doesn't it irritate you that none of your relatives are filthy rich?–and did a little (wait for it) shopping yesterday.

As promised, my father checked out the downtown bar. He was back in five minutes, though, as apparently the only other patron in there was some guy with an oxygen tank, drinking coffee, and when my father sat down he nodded hello at Dad. Then a few minutes later he nodded hello again, and then Dad noticed he nodded hello to his invisible friends next to him and was mouthing words but no sounds were coming out. It really wasn't the jovial I'm-drinking-while-the-womenfolk-are-shopping scene he was aiming for.

So he joined us, and ate a lot of the free donuts and suckers offered at various stores. Which is just as good as four beers in a dark bar. Don't you think?

I did not buy anything. Truth be told, Marvin and I are saving up for a screen door. I know. We really know how to live large. But we need a screen back door so bad. I want an old wooden flappy one that I will inevitably purchase off eBay or Craigslist or something. Remember the screen door on The Waltons? It always gave that satisfying smack when Erin or Jim-Bob ran out the door.

From now on I want you to call me June-Bob.

I also want one of those metal screen doors with the initial in the middle. I love those. I don't even care if it's not my initial. Marvin, if you're reading this, go look on Craigslist. How much could those screen doors be? No one wants them but us.

The point of this whole drawn-out tale is that eventually we came back home and were sitting around talking and paging through magazines and such when all of a sudden my Aunt Mary became hysterical. She laughed and she laughed and she laughed, and I noticed she had one of those old lady catalogs, which I have blogged about before, how we enjoy those old lady catalogs my grandmother used to get.

My aunt was in a heap on the couch, so I took the catalog out of her weakened hand and found this:

Butt

These are pieces of charcoal you stick to your underwear. When pesky gas occurs, these absorb any odor.

I am not making this up.

I mean, how bad are things in your rear parts that you need this? And I can't help thinking of when my grandmother got old and ceased to care, and would just lean way over in her chair when flatulence came on.

My father pointed out that a better name for this product would have been Tooty-Fruity.

So that's been our sophisticated weekend. This is probably what the Hemingways did when they got together, too. For Whom the Bell Toots.

Anyway. Today is my aunt's actual birthday, and we are going to the Farmers Market and then my father is making a fancy dinner and I cannot wait for Aunt Mary to open my gift. It's a good one. I forgot to tell you she gave me my birthday present when I got here, and it's a beautiful ruby and diamond necklace! I guess I got a fancy gift cause 45 is one of those milestone birthdays. You know, sort of.

I am off to market farmers or whatever. And to pass wind into a briquette. 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

35 thoughts on “Wind Beneath My Grill”

  1. Oh June-Bob that is hysterical! A filter for your ass. Were there any ass silencers in that catalog by chance? We could use some of those around here.
    I was at a store and an old lady let out a little squeak. I had to go around the corner to keep from laughing and as soon as I did she let it rip. She could have used a filter.

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  2. I agree with Anita, they should make a sound filter. When I was A LOT younger, my parents and I were in CVS. I was walking around and Dad was looking at the magazines. Probably my mother was comparing prices on foot scrapers or something, I don’t know. So I ended up in the same aisle as my dad and I see him nonchalantly look over one shoulder, no one there. Nonchalantly looks over the other shoulder, no one there. BRRRRAAAAPPP.
    BUT, what he hadn’t seen was the small ass-high child that was directly in the line of fire behind him. Oh, did I about die laughing.
    So yeah, anothere clASSy bunch here.

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  3. I agree with Anita, they should make a sound filter. When I was A LOT younger, my parents and I were in CVS. I was walking around and Dad was looking at the magazines. Probably my mother was comparing prices on foot scrapers or something, I don’t know. So I ended up in the same aisle as my dad and I see him nonchalantly look over one shoulder, no one there. Nonchalantly looks over the other shoulder, no one there. BRRRRAAAAPPP.
    BUT, what he hadn’t seen was the small ass-high child that was directly in the line of fire behind him. Oh, did I about die laughing.
    So yeah, anothere clASSy bunch here.

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  4. I agree with Anita, they should make a sound filter. When I was A LOT younger, my parents and I were in CVS. I was walking around and Dad was looking at the magazines. Probably my mother was comparing prices on foot scrapers or something, I don’t know. So I ended up in the same aisle as my dad and I see him nonchalantly look over one shoulder, no one there. Nonchalantly looks over the other shoulder, no one there. BRRRRAAAAPPP.
    BUT, what he hadn’t seen was the small ass-high child that was directly in the line of fire behind him. Oh, did I about die laughing.
    So yeah, anothere clASSy bunch here.

    Like

  5. Linda in CO (non-stalker who was really tempted to wander around Cherry Creek or downtown Denver yesterday in hopes of a sighting) says:

    O.M.G. If this entry doesn’t win you that blog award, nothing will. (Picture Roseanne Roseannadanna here…) “I thought I was gonna DIE!!!” I laughed so hard.

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  6. I want one of those initial doors something fierce. So badly that I’m thinking of stealing the one from my parents’ house – you know, the one that was there when they bought it and therefore isn’t their initial (nor ours) either.
    If you find a stash of them somewhere on the East Coast please let me know.

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  7. I can’t believe your dad didn’t want to hang out with the friendly head-nodder. Clearly there was a man with many interesting stories to tell.
    Paula H&B – hilarious!

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  8. Wow, just wow. Funny!
    I don’t know of this initial screen door of which you speak so that is how I will spend my afternoon… looking.

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  9. June-Bob, next time you’re in Saginaw, you should check my grandmother’s house. I’m pretty sure she has one of those metal initial screen doors on her front porch.
    And the Subtle Butts? Good heavens!

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  10. Rachel Ray had a segment on this last week. Did you know that they have underpants to trap gas, too? Oh my damn I laughed so hard. And she made viewers try them and report about them on the segment. Tears, I tell you. I’m so mature.
    My father used to silently pass in the car. He would wait until my mom, brother and I were squealing and rolling down the windows before he excused himself. He always thought we were never going to know.
    Yeah, we wouldn’t notice a nauseating toxic green cloud filtering through our nostrils as we were trapped in a vehicle with him.

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  11. Rachel Ray had a segment on this last week. Did you know that they have underpants to trap gas, too? Oh my damn I laughed so hard. And she made viewers try them and report about them on the segment. Tears, I tell you. I’m so mature.
    My father used to silently pass in the car. He would wait until my mom, brother and I were squealing and rolling down the windows before he excused himself. He always thought we were never going to know.
    Yeah, we wouldn’t notice a nauseating toxic green cloud filtering through our nostrils as we were trapped in a vehicle with him.

    Like

  12. Rachel Ray had a segment on this last week. Did you know that they have underpants to trap gas, too? Oh my damn I laughed so hard. And she made viewers try them and report about them on the segment. Tears, I tell you. I’m so mature.
    My father used to silently pass in the car. He would wait until my mom, brother and I were squealing and rolling down the windows before he excused himself. He always thought we were never going to know.
    Yeah, we wouldn’t notice a nauseating toxic green cloud filtering through our nostrils as we were trapped in a vehicle with him.

    Like

  13. I grew up in a farmhouse with one of those old wooden screen doors. Loved that sound. Also loved the Waltons, June Bob, though wouldn’t June Boy be closer since John Boy was the writer. Of course there is the “Boy” thing.
    Subtle Butt! OMG. Wouldn’t Toot Sweet be a good name too???

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  14. I grew up in a farmhouse with one of those old wooden screen doors. Loved that sound. Also loved the Waltons, June Bob, though wouldn’t June Boy be closer since John Boy was the writer. Of course there is the “Boy” thing.
    Subtle Butt! OMG. Wouldn’t Toot Sweet be a good name too???

    Like

  15. I grew up in a farmhouse with one of those old wooden screen doors. Loved that sound. Also loved the Waltons, June Bob, though wouldn’t June Boy be closer since John Boy was the writer. Of course there is the “Boy” thing.
    Subtle Butt! OMG. Wouldn’t Toot Sweet be a good name too???

    Like

  16. Not only is your post hilarious, but the comments as well. ROFL!
    I would love to have a screen door. Good night June Bob.

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  17. “For whom the bell toots.” Who cracks herself up 😀 You know when I read about your dad and the guy who talks to himself I thought about the homeless guy we met in Seattle. You know the one I bough food for, including and apple. Yes he had no teeth but it was the thought that counts right? Please tell your Aunt Mary “Hello” for me and “Happy Birthday!” Big smiles to all.

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  18. Ha, ha!!!! HILARIOUS, June-Bob! They would also be great for little kids. I cannot believe that I have a little girl that thinks farting is funny!!! Furry, my dad was also king of the silent but deadly farts. Except he would NEVER admit he did it. Always blamed the dog. Even when we were in the car … and the dog wasn’t. :o)

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  19. Are you kidding? My boys and extended family could use these things like everyday!
    For a good laugh, look up “Toot Tone” on Youtube. It’s totally blogworthy.

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  20. I saw the couple who invented this lifesaver on one of those inventor shows. They were adorable as they shared their story. She was the tooter in the family – had one of those dreaded bowel disorders that will probably strike me any day if I don’t up the fiber. Anyway, they gave the whole pitch with faces straighter than straight and including a mock demo. I think there were special undergarments involved.. They were rejected on the show but took it well. And apparently they made it to market on their own. So good for them.
    My grandpa always used to say “oops! need to put a cork in that” when he would let one fly. This definitely sounds way more comfortable. And grandma would say “excuse me! My pooper has lost its pucker!” So this would work for her too, since no pucker would probably render the cork ineffective anyway.
    Babies and old people really have it made when you think about it.

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  21. AND we used to have a screen door just like that on our side porch, grody old spring, hook and eye closure and all. I got tired of my boys running in and out slamming it so out it went. Not sure if we still have it or not.

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  22. As I read this, trying to think of something….ummmm…Oh no..Thanks Cosmo…you gas bag…. ugghh and its still 94 degrees outside…well I’m opening a window…
    Good night June Bob/bug… thank god its not a stink bug…

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  23. Juney-Bob: ya might want to see if there is a freecycle.org in your area. Seems like people are always giving away doors on it down here.

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  24. I was sitting in a diner with my mother, grandmother, and uncle this weekend, having a fascinating conversation. Then I realized we were in no-veiled-terms discussing my great-grandfather’s grizzly suicide in the middle of a public place. Ahhhh, family.

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