Remember when the Jews wandered the desert for 40 years? That was nothing compared to me trying to get home from effing Colorado last night. Holy Katie H. Crap.
I was in FOUR airports. I traveled for FOURTEEN hours. This would make sense if Aunt Mary lived in, say, Amsterdam, but she's like FOUR STATES AWAY.
Who was cranky when she got home with the chickens at dawn's early light this morning? Who had two plane delays, a breakneck run from one airline to another, an airport train that got STUCK IN THE TUNNEL, rendering me UNABLE TO BREATHE I was so panicky being caught in that concrete tube surrounding the train, and NO FOOD ON ANY PLANE WHATSOEVER?
So it was a good trip home. Happy today. Feeling perky. Looking good.
I woke up spooning Tallulah, my chin on her fairly smelly head. I love her so bad.
Anyway, let me spin you a yarn about my trip photos.
Here is a photo of my aunt and me and our identical ventriloquist chin issue. Also, I like how the rectangle of my camera is shading my face. Is my father a photographer? Had he come with us on our walk this day we would not have had this tragedy.
I admired Aunt Mary's purple toenail polish.
Aunt Mary has a convertible, and 28385038533145 visors to protect her from the sun and/or serve to make her look authentic when she deals at the blackjack table. I have decided I want a convertible now. I never wanted one before. My dream car is a Mini Cooper. Now I want a Mini Cooper convertible. I cannot afford a Mini Cooper, and I really can't afford a Mini Cooper convertible.
I liked my father's silver bracelet. Very Crazy Hearts.
My aunt has two cats, who you know I left alone and didn't poke at or kiss or talk in high squeaky voices to or anything. Her cats are old, like 17 or something, so you can imagine how they were hep to my attentions. This is Alfie. Every time he saw me he left the room. I LOB UUUU ALFEEEEEE! kisskissskissskiss!!!
On my last day there, Leon finally swung at me. So sick of me. Why this small-hair bitch kiss Leon? Leon old man. Leon still kill you with claw, you push Leon.
Oh, and by the way, on last night's hellish airport trip, I had on my Bye Bye Pie tshirt but I forgot, since I was undergoing psychological torture that perhaps Gitmo ought to look into, and anyway some guy at the magazine store said, "You not like pie?" I said "What?" about three times before I figured out he was reading my shirt and wondered why I was saying bye bye to pie. Oh, dear.
We did lots of short day trips, including going to the farmers market in a nearby town. To buy diva-ish peaches with human features.
When I was there, I bought something for my mother-in-law, and remind me, after my mother-in-law's birthday, to tell you how annoying the person was who sold it to me. For those of you selling things at street fairs? Customer service, folks. Customer service.
Dad fell for this magnet bracelet, he was DRAWN to it, even though he already has a bracelet (see above), because this one is supposed to cure all ills.
Apparently it doesn't cure immaturity.
We went to a different town and shopped another day, and I got a necklace that has an Eiffel Tower, a French coin, and a silvery sparkly kind of ball on it. Hello, everything I like. Dad needed a pin cushion and he found this voodoo doll. Hope he doesn't name it June.
Speaking of necklaces, this is the diamond and ruby necklace Aunt Mary got me for my birthday. Are you dying? Are you wondering if I could have more age spots? Do you think I got enough sun in my lifetime? Anyway, love the necklace. Love my aged, leather skin. When I die you can make a couch from me.
Of course, we were there to celebrate Mary's birthday. Here is dad wrapping her gifts in the fish paper he brought. I do not mean it literally wrapped fish first, cause, ew.
My father is always teasing Aunt Mary about her finger injuries. It's true that she seems to frequently cut or break or sprain or catch her fingers in things. On my father's eighth birthday, Aunt Mary stuck her fingers in the lawn mower, which was not one of her more MENSA moves, and his whole birthday was ruined because she got blood everywhere and they had to go to the ER. This is one of the gifts he got her, this glove you wear in the kitchen that you supposedly cannot cut through.
Then Aunt Mary didn't wear it to cut her ice cream cake and almost cut the crap out of her finger.
Here is my Aunt Mary's husband, my nice Uncle Omar, who (a) had to put up with family visiting and (z) gave her the trip to London for her birthday. He is a prince of a man.
Also he likes cats. And he has a rooster on his shoulder, which could be like having a monkey on your back but I'm not sure.
I guess that's all I have to show you. Lucky for you, my father took 11,934 photos that he will send me soon so there COULD BE MORE SHOTS! Tune in tomorrow! I know you'll stampede back for that.