I finished my freelance work!!! Yesterday, I worked from 9:15 a.m. till 7:00. P RIDICULOUS P.M.! Happy Saturday!
Then I had to stampede to Target because I am out of my meds–can you tell?–and guess what closes at 6:00 on weekends? Is it the stupid stupid stupid Target pharmacy? Don't I have an in, what with Target Steve reading this blog and all? Target Steve! Fix the hours at Target! And clear up that whole gay controversy, because I really don't want to have to not go to Target.
I have picked on Target Steve a lot this weekend. Oh, but you all need to go over to his blog, because he has a clip of LUKE AND LUDICROUS LAURA over there. Oh, I got nostalgic. I thought Laura was the bomb, although if I were her I'd have been doing that Robert Scorpio, which is what Luke's next woman, Holly, did. Does anyone remember this or am I being weird elephant memory girl again?
But none of this deep talk is why I dragged you over here today. The REASON you are here is we are going to have an exciting blog today. Which is a first.
I have been at my full-time job since June, and I have been working pretty much 30 hours a week on top of that at my freelance assignments. You can imagine, therefore, how tidy and pretty and not at all Laura-Ingalls-when-she-lived-in-the-house-with-the-literal-dirt-floor my house is.
So I thought I'd take a picture of each room as I clean it today. Because with my new freedom, my first goal is getting a clean house. Not spending time with Marvin (who is going to school today anyway) or going to a movie or romping in the woods with the dog. No. I is gonna clean.
So I'll take a before picture of each room right before I clean it, then come back and show you the after picture. Won't this be exciting? Are you a-tingle? So I'll be updating all day.
Let's clean this stupid computer room first. Shall we? Oh, how I wish you were all here helping. We'd have more fun and I could pretend to be supervising while you all actually did the work.
Hello, espadrilles that I wore five days ago. Hello, bathroom rug that Marvin inexplicably put in here. And hi, clean sanitary floor! And oh, can of cashews. You certainly belong in here. Love lifts us up where we belong.
See you in a while!
Hoorah. I know that floor NEVER LOOKS CLEAN. It is because it is concrete, because this used to be a screened-in porch, and when we moved in it had a 1990s beige carpet that the former-dweller-who-never-paid-her-bills-and-is-still-getting-collection-letters-and-phone-calls-and-repo-men-here-two-and-a-half-years-later-and-if-I-ever-meet her-I have-a-few-choice-words-for-her's little dog peed on.
Was that sentence hard to understand?
At any rate, we RIPPED up the pee carpet and I had the brilliant idea that we'd paint it Willow, which is a fancy word for green, and it is also a fancy word for "scrapes all the time and never looks clean."
But here is the dirt my beloved Shark got up off this floor. Sometimes I understand those people with white couches who make you take your shoes off when you come in, who would never have a pet in a million years.
Oh. And for the people who already commented, yes, that wood chair in the computer room is way uncomfy and I really want kind of a 1940s rolly office wooden chair with arms, that I can put a cushion in. Also too, yes, it does occur to me I am going to get a lot of unsolicited comments/suggestions today.
On to the kitchen! I know it doesn't look that bad, because (a) when you don't cook and just live on peaches and coffee (shut up), how dirty can your kitchen get, and (4) I kind of clean the kitchen as I go, since I am obsessed with food poisoning.
But Marvin cooks, and here is what I have to tell you. Often I hear women talk about their husbands, and I think, geez. I am pretty lucky. Marvin does not do any of the jerky things many of my friends' husbands do. But would it KILL him to be a little tidier?
Okay, be back after the kitchen.
You know what I am getting? Tired. Also? Sweaty. Are you turned on?
You will be when you see my sparkling kitchen.
I even washed Tallulah's little bowls, which happens like once a quarter. Hey, she eats cat barf. You really think she's clamoring for a pristine bowl?
You know what would have gotten this stove even cleaner? The Magic Eraser. Am obsessed with the cleansing power of whatever carcinogenic chemicals are in the Magic Eraser. Love love love it! However, we don't have one. This was the result of Soft Scrub. Go ahead, yell at me about using Soft Scrub here.
Now on to the dining room.
Oh, dining room table. Where little dining is done because we are forever throwing things there, such as that honking box that contains the freelance work I have to mail back. No, I did not copy edit a small child. But I am mailing one back. What?
Oh, and I just noticed this post keeps reposting instead of just getting longer, so I had to delete the last two, thereby deleting the last seven or so comments, but when I'm done EFFING CLEANING I have a way I can put your comments back on. Fret not.
TAA-DAAA! And careful viewers will see a hint of Francis, with his svelte self.
There was a brief, disproportionately exciting moment when I thought I might be out of Pledge and not have to dust, but I found it. Lurking under a rag by the sink pipes.
I took a break to eat a peach, which looks here like some odd shiny other-planet fruit, doesn't it? Like one of those bouffant eyeliner women from another planet has given it to Captain Kirk. Why couldn't they have ever thought, "Gee, it's another planet. Maybe the women here won't dress in their '60s Planet Earth finery" when they were doing the costumes and makeup for those women?
On to the living room! Not that it needs it. You can see it's straight as a pin. Note the orange feather in the bowl. Did we have a burlesque dancer over that I did not know about? Plus also, won't you enjoy my purse, which gets a place of honor between the smushy pillows?
Some nights I like to kick off my heels and do some picking and a-grinning.
Careful viewers will note I have left not one but TWO pairs of silver shoes in the living room, as opposed to the espadrilles I left in the computer room. Am I a centipede?
Have I mentioned I am getting tired? And sweaty?
Clean. I do not even want to DISCUSS the amount of animal fur found in this room. All of our pets are short-haired. Imagine if we had a yak.
Also, no one tell Marvin the part where I dropped his guitar while I was putting it away.
I know I have the bathroom and bedrooms left to do, but you know what? I am tired. And hot. And I kind of want to take a shower and go see Eat/Act a Lot More Smug than You Should Cause You Ain't All That, Horse Face/Love this afternoon. Marvin is still at school and when I suggested it he vomited. So I guess I'll go alone. And enjoy the love-myselfness that is Julia Roberts. Who bugs. In case you hadn't figured it out.
There is just one more thing I'm gonna clean today, and I will spare you the after shot, because you really need scratch and sniff to appreciate it.
Why you look at Lu? This not funny.